What I Am

Heero pushed himself up quickly as soon as Sally had pulled the last stitch, and drew the scrub pants back up to his waist as he shifted to sit on the edge of the bed. He didn't bother retying them, just rested his elbows on his knees as Sally began cleaning up the sutures and bandages. He could feel Relena's eyes on him from the other side of the bed, where she still knelt behind him.

He was positive she was either staring at his right shoulder blade, or down near his waist. Heero had seen her eyes flickering away from his face several times while Sally worked, and he hadn't been quite sure what to make of her expression.

Nothing could make him forget the looks in the eyes he'd seen from the men from OZ who had dealt directly with him. Some of his earliest recollections were of those faces. Either cold calculation as they judged their property and its skills, or disgust and fear, the latter something he'd witnessed from the men sent to train him. When Heero had managed to catch sight of any faces of the men who had created him, and that was a rare occurrence, he'd only ever seen himself as an object in their eyes.

Heero shivered at the memories, his left hand clenching into a tight fist before his eyes. He hadn't seen those looks from either Relena or Sally, but did that mean they weren't going to come? They still didn't know everything. Heero's left hand clenched tighter until his knuckles went white.

"How's your hip?" Sally asked suddenly, and Heero could see her feet come into his line of sight as she stepped in front of him. Heero glanced up, only to see Sally check her wrist for a watch that wasn't there. "I don't think it's quite been twenty-four hours yet, but should I remove the stitches there?"

Forcing his hand to relax, Heero sat a little straighter. "It's fine," he said in a low voice.

Sally regarded him for a minute, her expression difficult for Heero to read. She was considering, but also clearly seeing him. Finally she gave her head a slight shake and glanced behind him to Relena. "I want you both to stay in this room," she ordered firmly. "Wufei and I will see if we can find something less noticeable for you to wear, Heero, and we'll get some breakfast too."

Heero wanted to protest that they might not have time for such concerns, but even after only a short acquaintance with Sally, he knew it was better to hold his tongue. It would be easier to leave once Sally had left. It would be easier to tell Relena. Heero pushed aside the feeling of his heart constricting at the thought of leaving Relena. He couldn't afford such attachments, especially when they made no logical sense.

The doctor gave each of them one last pointed look, before placing her medical bag on the small table near the end of the bed and leaving the motel room. Relena immediately moved from the bed to the door, locking and bolting it as it had been during the night. Heero watched, with his head still tilted slightly down, as Relena turned and placed her back against the door. She was studying him intently. "Are you still feeling cold?" she asked him, and he glanced over briefly only to see a slight blush enter Relena's cheeks.

He blinked, pushing himself a little straighter and glanced down at his body, only to see the skin of his arms and chest pebbled with gooseflesh. Without thinking, Heero twisted where he sat, and would have been grateful for the absence of pain, if it wasn't just another reminder that he was not normal, not quite human. Taking hold of the shirt he'd discarded, Heero worked it over his head, before glancing down at the floor for his socks and shoes. "I need to get moving," he said, not looking in Relena's direction as he spoke.

"We will," she said immediately, and it sounded to Heero's ears as though she were trying to reassure him. "But Sally's right, you need something to wear that wouldn't stand out so much," Relena said, her voice coming towards him.

Heero glanced up from pulling on his socks, and saw Relena standing in front of him, but he didn't look up at her face. He didn't want to risk what he might see in those captivating eyes. "It's better if I go alone," he said, voice gruff sounding to his own ears.

"Why?" Relena demanded immediately, as she entered his personal space, and crouched in front of him. Her arms reached behind him on either side, and before he knew what was happening, Relena had pulled the blankets tightly around his shoulders.

He stared at her, at first only letting himself look at her lips, they weren't smiling, but neither were they curled in disgust. Drawing a slight breath, Heero forced himself to look at her face in full, and was surprised to not see horror or disgust. Rather, she was looking at him, meeting his eyes without any hesitation. If anything, she might have looked slightly worried.

"I'm a danger to you," he told her. He wanted to shrug out from under the blankets she held around him, wanted to put distance between himself and the feelings she stirred in him. But at the exact same time, Heero didn't want to push her away.

"Why?" she asked again. "Because they're not going to stop hunting for you?" she pressed, eyebrows pulling together as she looked at him with determination.

Heero tore his eyes away from hers. "Because of what I am," he said, voice bitter.

Relena's hand reached out to the far side of Heero's face, trying to draw his eyes back towards her. He wanted to resist, knew he needed to just stand up and be gone from here, and yet, his eyes found hers again. "What you are," Relena said slowly her mouth shifting into another sad looking smile, "is what you've always been." Her thumb stroked the skin beneath his eye. "I'm not afraid of you." It sounded a promise, and the sad cast to her smile lifted.

"Perhaps you should be..." he said flatly, his eyes dropping from hers again. Heero opened his left hand where it rested on his knee, and faced his palm towards the nightstand. Reaching out with his mind, Heero felt the lamp where it sat upon the fake wood, and took hold of it. The lamp rose from the nightstand, its glow shimmering brighter about the room. Heero lifted the lamp as far as the cord would allow.

Heero felt more than saw Relena shift beside him, and he quickly returned the lamp to the surface of the nightstand. He released it from his hold abruptly, leaving it wobbling in a slight circle, before it came to rest just off centre on the table. Heero stared at the lamp, unwilling to look at Relena. He didn't want to see the horror on her face now.

Horror was the natural reaction to what Heero could do. Despite knowing he was the culmination of OZ's research, Heero had witnessed more than enough horror from the people who had trained him. What had been worse to Heero was the greedy lust for more; they had always wanted more from him. They'd demanded it, struck at him from every angle to get it, and the one time he'd managed to give it...

Heero blinked as gentle fingers touched the side of his face, coaxing him to look back at Relena. Reluctantly Heero allowed his head to be turned and found himself looking into Relena's wide amazed eyes. "Incredible," she all but whispered. The fingers of her left hand were still touching his face, and Heero was struck that she hadn't pulled away.

She looked intently at him, her eyes darting across his face, and Heero saw nothing of what he'd feared would be there. Her eyes were bright as they watched him, and her lips still smiled, opening slightly as if she were about to speak. Relena's eyes dropped from his for a moment then. "The bomb," Relena said, her expression thoughtful, as she looked back up to his face, "did you protect us from that, with this?"

He looked at her in surprise, and slowly nodded his head. It was the truth of that day, he'd tried to shield them from the worst of the explosion, but what had made Relena think of that? Her lips turned up in a radiant smile that made her eyes glitter, and Heero was captivated by them. She didn't fear him, the realization dawned on Heero, and he shivered despite the blankets still wrapped about his shoulders.

Relena's face lit up further as she watched him. "That's exactly what a hero would do," she told him softly. Her thumb brushed beneath his right eye, and Heero was shocked to notice a wetness there that she spread across his skin.

Clearing his throat sharply, Heero tried to dislodge the sudden tightness there. "I'm meant to be a weapon," he said, feeling a little stunned at Relena's reaction. He knew what he was, and thought it should have been clear to Relena.

"But you chose not to be," she said with such surety, her hand not leaving his face.

"I can't change what I am," he countered, breaking eye contact with her again. These feelings she stirred in him, he didn't have names for them. They weren't familiar, and he wasn't convinced this was safe.

Relena trapped his head between both her hands, forcing him to look into her eyes as she ducked into his line of sight. "You can change what you do with these gifts," she told him.

'Gifts?' Heero thought with disbelief, but couldn't bring himself to break eye contact with Relena again. He gave his head a slight shake, "I was only taught to destroy..."

"You protected me," she reminded him firmly, and her eyes appeared glassy for some reason.

'It was a fluke,' a part of Heero wanted to say immediately. Just a freak combination of circumstances that led to only one possible outcome. But his throat betrayed him with those words waiting on the tip of his tongue. He stared at this woman who looked at him, and truly saw him, as more than just a means to an end, or simply property.

Relena continued to smile at him, patiently waiting for him to speak, with an open and honest expression. Heero simply didn't know what to make of her, he sensed no ulterior motives from her, but was still stunned to not see a hint of fear or disgust on her face. It didn't make sense to Heero that she wasn't afraid, but the look on her face made his heart beat a little faster in his chest.

That physical reaction was so bewildering to Heero that his eyes darted for the door over Relena's right shoulder. Heero knew he shouldn't be sitting here staring into this woman's eyes. He needed to be away from this place and back on his own. The fact that his heart constricted at the very thought felt like a betrayal.

His training had made him better than this, it had taught him to be cold, he'd needed not to feel. Heero couldn't suppress a shudder at the memory of what he'd been forced to feel, and his eyes immediately sought out Relena's face again. He saw hope there, and Heero knew he just couldn't bring himself to shut the door on that.

"I promise to protect you, Relena," Heero heard himself saying with determination. He couldn't bring himself to look away from her, and felt his body warm suddenly at the smile she gave him.

They stared at each other in silence for a few minutes, and Heero could see Relena's smile turn slightly mischievous, and her eyes widened as though she'd suddenly thought of something. "Can you lift more than just the lamp?" she asked him curiously.

Heero felt himself gape slightly at her, as once again Relena showed him that she wasn't afraid of him. It wasn't just a show, she clearly saw nothing to fear in what he was capable of. Certainly he hadn't shown her the worst of what he could do. Heero shuddered at the mere thought of it, and Relena pulled the blankets tighter around him, obviously mistaking his reaction for still feeling cold.

He didn't want to give her cause to look at him with fear, or disgust, but he was what he was, and he couldn't change that. But maybe Relena was right, and he could change what he chose to do with it. Heero looked more fully at Relena's face, and felt his lips hesitantly tip upwards. Opening his left hand—it wasn't necessary to do so, but it was how he'd learned, and had become a habit—Heero reached for Relena with his mind.

It was different, grasping hold of a human, rather than an inanimate object. While he felt both in a new and difficult to explain way, there was simply more to discover when touching a human with this part of his mind. He felt Relena, the softness of her skin, the excited beat of her heart, and he knew in a different way, she too could feel him.

Relena's face lit up at the sensation of his touch, a slight gasp of surprise escaping her lips, that Heero felt both with his mind, and lightly brush across his face. With as delicate a touch as he had ever attempted, Heero slowly lifted Relena from the floor she knelt on. He supported her, letting his mind wrap about her fragile body as he raised her slowly, cautiously off the floor.

He realized only after he'd begun that he had taken a great risk in demonstrating on her. She might not have meant for this to be his proof, and that to see what he could do was one thing, but to experience it first hand could be too much. But as Heero looked at Relena's face, he only saw wonder and delight.

Heero could feel her pulse race, but sensed no fear from her, only excitement and... joy? He wasn't positive of that last, aware of the emotion by definition, but Heero certainly didn't think he'd ever experienced it himself. He tossed back the blankets covering him, suddenly too warm as he stared at Relena, seeing her with his eyes, and feeling her with his mind.

She giggled, smiling widely at him. Heero felt her body trying to shift within his hold, not struggling—Heero knew what that felt like—just seeing what she was able to do while held aloft. Heero reached out his right hand towards her, and they intwined their fingers together. Her pulse raced, but no faster than his own, as he slowly stretched himself out on the bed, and brought Relena above him.

With a delicate touch, he hadn't known he was capable of, Heero lowered Relena until she was laying on top of him. Relena's right hand came to rest on his chest, just above his quickly beating heart, as Heero finally released his hold of her. He was breathing a little quicker now — not from strain, to lift Relena felt like lifting nothing at all — but from sensations he didn't know how to identify as he stared into her eyes.

"I could feel you," she said after a moment, her voice breathless with amazement, and she drew their still joined hands to her own chest. Heero could feel her own heart beating wildly against his hand, but he could also still feel an echo of it within his mind. "As I'm sure you could feel me," a blush rose in Relena's cheeks as she squeezed his hand tighter to her breast.

Heero had never handled anything as carefully as he'd lifted Relena. His stomach twisted with the knowledge of just how fragile human bodies were, and how easily they could be destroyed. Heero swallowed reflexively at the unwanted thoughts, forever etched into his memories, and forced himself to look more closely at Relena's face.

He reached his left hand towards her cheek, and was amazed when she didn't pull away, but rather tipped her head into his hand. Heero felt the echo of her in his mind, her emotions a bundle of sensations he couldn't pick apart. But one thing was for certain, there wasn't a negative feeling among them.

…

Dorothy slammed both hands down on the conference table as she stood sharply from her seat, sending her chair rolling back. "I refuse to wear this," she fumed angrily, "it isn't my fault he found the bloody tracking device! Why didn't you implant a second in case of this?!"

"What good would a second have done?" Alex demanded, also angry that they were taking the blame for Yuy's escape. But he also seemed clearly more willing to accept the chastisement than Dorothy was. "If he found one, he'd have found another too."

Pushing herself straight from the table, Dorothy tossed long blond hair back over her shoulder before tightly folding arms beneath her breasts. "We taught him how to be a virtual ghost, how exactly do you propose finding him now?" she demanded, shooting the man at the head of the table a heated look.

Dermail Catalonia might have been her grandfather, but Dorothy felt none of the familial affection for the man that one might expect. He was the head of OZ and therefore first and foremost her boss, and that was an aspect Dermail didn't appreciate any of his subordinates forgetting. His blue eyes narrowed dangerously beneath thick grey eyebrows, but he didn't immediately respond to her outburst.

"Nichol, how close are we to receiving access to the satellite array?" Dermail asked the man seated to his right.

"I'm still struggling to cut through the bureaucracy," Nichol admitted with a frown. He lifted a tablet from the table in front of him and swiped across the screen. "I placed a rush order on the request, but I'm still waiting to hear back."

Dermail's hand clenched into a fist before him, his only outwards sign of frustration at those words. "Press them harder," he said, pulling his other hand down his full beard. "I didn't supply the funding for this array for nothing."

Dorothy flipped an unimpressed hand towards the head of the table. "Care to share with the rest of us?" she demanded, not breaking eye contact with Dermail, whose mouth compressed with his displeasure.

"01's extraordinary abilities," Nichol began, after receiving a glance and slight nod from Dermail, "as you know, are generated by the abnormally strong electrical impulses in his brain. We estimate he's using a further ten percent extra of his brain capacity than we can access. This electrical activity has a very distinctive signature, which can be traced."

Nichol pulled himself a little straighter in his chair, and that was saying something, as Dorothy had never seen a man with better posture. "This signature is more easily detected when 01 is currently using that part of his brain. But even when he isn't actively using those powers, his brainwaves are still distinctly different from that of humans."

"So you're saying you've had a way to track him this entire time?" Dorothy demanded with shock and more than a little frustration. "Then why bother with implanting the tracking device at all?"

It was Dermail who cleared his throat sharply, his blue eyes narrowing dangerously. "If it wasn't obvious," he growled, "tracking our property through these abilities isn't online yet."

"I will get that sorted," Nichol promised immediately, his attention returning to his tablet.

"Return to your duties," Dermail said, dismissing them without a second thought as he pushed his chair back from the table. "Nichol, with me," he ordered before striding away.

Dorothy watched her grandfather leave the conference room with a deep scowl, before turning her attention to Alex, who was just getting to his feet. "You're okay with this?" she demanded, a sceptical eyebrow raised, as her eyes bore into Alex's face.

He gave her a sharp look in return. "I'm not about to criticize the boss," his words were as pointed as his expression.

"Hmph..." Dorothy huffed, with a slight shake of her head. "I don't like being kept in the dark." How was she supposed to complete her job, when they chose to keep critical information from her? And for what possible reason? Dorothy suspected it was Dermail's need to be in control at all times.

"At least 01 doesn't know," Alex said, digging hands deeply into the pockets of his coat.

Dorothy looked at the dark haired man with a raised eyebrow. "Have you had any dealings with 01?" she demanded, not bothering to keep the incredulity from her voice.

Alex shook his head, his brows coming together in anger. "I've read all the reports on him," he contended quickly.

"I guess none of them expressed how reluctant 01 is to use those abilities," she told him bluntly. Her dealings with 01, while not face to face, had been more direct than most of the staff working for OZ. Perhaps that was one benefit of being the granddaughter of the head of the organization.

Dorothy kept herself still, even as she felt a shiver run down her spine. OZ had invested a great deal of time and resources into 01's creation, and she could well remember that first day where they'd had an inkling of success. Dermail had insisted that 01 be at all times handled firmly; they were after all creating a weapon, one that could easily turn on them if they weren't careful.

Shivering visibly then, Dorothy rubbed her left hand up and down the outside of her right arm, feeling suddenly chilled. The scientists who had crafted 01 had from the beginning trained failsafes into him. Given no freedom, and regimenting his life had gone a long way to keeping a firm grasp over their property. Dorothy may not have liked some of their methods, but she appreciated the necessity of them, having witnessed firsthand what 01 could do if given the chance.

…

Relena smiled down at Heero's astonished face through glassy eyes. He had looked so completely unsure, convinced that he was something to be feared. Relena didn't understand how any of this was possible, what had they done to Heero to give him these powers? There was one thing Relena knew for certain, they'd hurt him to achieve these ends. Even now, looking at his surprised face, Relena could see the shadows of pain that he held deep inside.

She'd choked back tears as she watched his expression while reaching for her face. After seeing the shock in him as she'd tipped her cheek into his touch, Relena knew she wanted to show this incredible, vulnerable man that he wasn't a monster. Her left hand still held his right tightly against her chest, and she felt her heart pick up speed as she looked down at Heero.

His lips turned up in a hesitant ghost of a smile, as his eyes flickered from her face to his hand, to their joined hands between them. On impulse, Relena dipped her lips down to Heero's, lightly kissing him, and she immediately felt him respond to her touch. Pulling back slightly to look back into those still wide eyes, she told him gently, "you don't have to hide from me."

"You really aren't afraid?" he asked, unsure eyes darting about her face, as though searching for the fear he thought should be there.

Relena shook her head as she smiled down at his face, her hair spilled over her shoulders to curtain them from the rest of the room. "No, Heero," she told him firmly, and brushed her lips against his, hoping to prove the truth of her words. Beneath her right hand, Relena could feel Heero's heart quicken as she deepened the kiss.

She pulled back after a moment, breathing harder herself, and thought she saw a flash of disappointment cross Heero's face. "The only thing I fear," she told him slowly, "is you going back to OZ." Relena shivered at the thought of that secret organization.

Heero's eyes dropped from hers for a moment. "They won't give up," he said in soft, bitter tones.

"We'll find a way to stop them," Relena wanted to encourage him.

"You have experience with this?" Heero asked sceptically, though the right side of his mouth quirked up in a slight smile.

Relena's cheeks heated in a slight blush, but she continued to smile down at Heero's face. "I know what they're doing can't be sanctioned or legal," she told him seriously. "People who do secret illegal things don't often want attention drawn to them." She nodded her head once, wanting it to be that simple.

She wanted to believe the threat to expose OZ would force them to leave Heero alone. But Relena also couldn't allow herself to be so naive, not when she still knew so little of the situation. Reluctantly, Relena rolled off of Heero and back onto the mattress before pushing herself up and looking back at him.

Heero raised himself up on his elbows, and he looked at her, again there was that flash of disappointment in his eyes. Relena studied him, watching the strong rise and fall of his chest, and felt for a moment as if she could hear an echo of his heart beating in the back of her mind. Her left hand moved of its own accord, to press against his chest, and the beat she felt matched perfectly to the one she thought she heard.

Relena's eyes looked up from her hand to meet Heero's gaze, and his head tipped slightly as he watched her. She wanted to ask him about the steady heartbeat she felt more and more sure she could hear in the back of her mind. Her own quickened as she looked at him, and she reached out with her free hand to brush aside his thick bangs, before trailing her fingers through his hair. "You're incredible," she whispered, brushing the outside of her fingers down the side of his still rather warm face.

She felt through her fingers, and somehow heard through her mind, as his heart beat faster at her words. Heero's eyes widened in surprise as he looked from her face, down to the hand against his chest, before returning to her eyes. Relena saw his expression shutter slightly, and that echoing beat vanished from her mind.

Heero sat up fully, and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, knocking Relena's hand aside with his sudden movements. "I'm meant to be a weapon," he all but whispered as he dropped his elbows onto knees, hunching himself away from her.

Relena felt herself shiver as she looked at his back, the tense set of his shoulders, and couldn't understand what had happened. Had she imagined the connection she'd felt with Heero? Just imagined the sound of his heart beating inside her head? That sense of feeling him as she had when he'd lifted her onto him?

"I don't understand..." she said, drawing her hands into her lap.