Iyanla, Fix My Life

Her head pounded as she tried her best to hold back last night's drinks. Her throat burned and throbbed like she had given various blow jobs. She sat and looked around, perplexed by her surroundings. She was in a cabin, a cabin she did not recognize. Bitch, was I kidnapped? She started panicking, but as her mind cleared, she remembered she was brought there by two gorgeous men. And she also recalled that they had turned her down. What a waste! She patted her body down and made sure everything was still in place before standing up to peer out the window. She didn't like how quiet it was. There was no loud music playing, cars honking, or even cats fighting. She was a city girl that never strayed too far from it, and now she feared that she was stranded in a boring slow place like the country. No offense.

She sighed a bit as she put on her heels and braced herself for the day. She didn't know what awaited her, but she hoped it was an Uber and perhaps, Starbucks. To her surprise, when she stepped outside, things still looked stuck in 1495. She felt her being burst in dread. She wondered if she had come across an overnight convention that lasted a couple days to a week. Or maybe she had been teleported back into the past. And while she considered herself to be a spiritual person, she had a hard time believing in time travel. So, it must be a long ass convention. She stumbled around, trying not to get stuck in the snow, when she spotted someone, she knew. There he was, blond hair and all, standing proudly tall over a crowd of not-so-clean-looking men. Her hangover magnified once the smell of shit, and masculine BO grazed her nose. I am going to be sick! She pinched her nose shut and braced herself for the unpleasant journey ahead.

Slowly, she made her way inside the crowd of medieval dressed men. Some had on what she believed to be peasant clothes, while others wore very shotty armor. Obviously, whatever army these odd people were cosplaying - was broke. As she carried on in her journey, she could not help but notice the stares she was receiving. Although she understood her attire was not cosplay-appropriate for this time, she was not aware that this type of event was going on. Some men leered, some catcalled, and others, unfortunately, tried to grab her.

"Hey, keep your fucking hands to yourself!" she blurted out, batting away the dusty men groping her in the crowd.

Once she finally reached the front, she could hear what Cullen was saying.

"Yes, we are aware there is a shortage of goods, but you must understand we are doing what we can. I understand you all have families, but we are already stretched so thin," he remarked earnestly.

She was impressed by his ability to control the crowd. He handled the heckling and bickering with ease. He didn't even flinch when someone threatened to beat him. Bitch, I need that kind of self-control, cuz, man! She also could not help but admire his beauty. He looked even better than he did last night. Anger suddenly festered within her when she had realized he had turned her down since now; she had the urge to sit on his face. Yes, the face! She shook herself to starve off the impending arousal. I need to concentrate! Once the crowd died down, she took the chance to approach him herself.

She lightly tapped his broad shoulder, "Commander Gorgeous, can we talk?"

He faced her and gave her a quick look over. She could not help but pose and bask in his attention. When he realized what he and she had been doing, he quickly looked back at her eyes.

He cleared his throat, "Lady, Kiki. Why are you still dressed in such attire?' he slightly looked away as he gestured to her clothing.

She looked down and got a view of herself. While her dress was slightly wrinkled, her curves helped maintain the overall structure of the dress. There were no stains, and she still looked good. If only I felt good too. She pulled down her dress and fixed her breasts before addressing him again.

"Well, gorgeous, y'all didn't give me a change of clothes. Did you expect me to walk out here butt-ass-naked?" she lifted an eyebrow.

She must have offended him or turned him on because his reaction was interesting.

"Wha, wha… Maker?! What is wrong with you? You cannot say things like that in a place such as this! You will likely run into some trouble," he frowned and attempted not to look at her.

She hugged herself, suddenly feeling exposed. She sulked as she mustered one last bit of courage to ask the beautiful but crass man a question. She needed to know where she was and how she could get home.

"Commander," she bit her lips as the chill brushed against her, "is there a phone here by any chance? I need to go home," her teeth began to chatter. She was astounded by her ability to feel the cold since everyone knew hoes don't get cold. And while she wasn't a "hoe" per se, she was still a hot girl.

Cullen took note of her condition and wrapped his mantle over her. She was surprised by his display of kindness. For once in her life, she felt something in her heart. She had gotten so wrapped up in his gesture that she didn't realize he was talking to her.

"Lady Kiki, are you listening?" the man rubbed the back of his neck and blushed.

She snapped out of it as she rubbed the fur she now dawned on her neck. It was soft and smelled absolutely terrific, like man and a hint of flora and oak. She felt herself tingle in excitement.

"Naw, but have I ever told you how gorgeous you are? You look even better in the light," she winked at him.

He turned a deep red as he pinched his nose, "Yes, yes, you have made it abundantly clear. Now, let's get you a change of clothes and perhaps see if we can locate that Phone fellow you have requested," he gestured her to walk with him.

She pulled the mantle taut as she followed his lead; while Kiki was happy, she was finally getting somewhere, she could not help but be bothered by his statement. She understood the need to stay in character at an event such as this, but did he really have to act like a phone was utterly alien to him? Something about all of this did not sit right with her, and she was growing rather impatient trying to solve it. Their trip ended in a church-like structure. The women were fully covered and dressed in nun-like attire. She became more grateful for the commander's mantle; however, she still received curious looks as the women's eyes fluttered between her and the commander. Some even smiled and snickered. While Kiki was not bothered, Cullen seemed somewhat affected by the attention. He quickly ushered her into another room with a big-ass map.

A chair appeared behind her before Cullen positioned himself on the other side of the table. She placed the mantle on the chair's back, then sat down and crossed her legs. She didn't know why but things felt oddly eerie. The room wasn't huge, but it was dimly lit and had no windows. The brickwork was shotty, and the corners, shelves, and floors needed a good dusting. They are really getting into this medieval aesthetic. Silence paced the room as Cullen looked over some papers. She didn't know what they were waiting for, but she seriously wanted to go home. Though she didn't mind being in the presence of such a good-looking man, she preferred her apartment and its utilities. She tapped on the wooden table to get Cullen's attention.

He looked confused, "yes?"

She smiled, "so, about me going home… when is that happening?"

He rubbed the back of his neck, "ah yes, forgive me. We are waiting on the others to see if we can locate the whereabouts of your people," he pursed his lips before returning to his work.

She sighed in disapproval. Great, more waiting. Her patience was running low, and although her headache was gone, it had been replaced with the feeling of annoyance. She was annoyed by the state of things and only wanted to go home. They continued to sit in silence, waiting for the others to arrive – boredom pulled up and sat right next to her. She looked the place over once more before deciding that the seat was uncomfortable so, she opted to stand.

"Is there something wrong with the chair?" Cullen cocked an eyebrow and stared at her.

She nodded, "yes," before pointing to her backside, "my ass was falling asleep. The chair could use some serious cushion.'

He blushed and looked away, "ah, well then. Feel free to stand."

There was something so endearing to her about a grown man blushing. Back home, she would have had no issues with bedding a man such as him, but Cullen remained oddly resistant to all of her womanly charm. She was determined to get to the bottom of it. She wondered if he were gay or maybe already taken. Maybe he was a virgin. But when she looked at him again, I doubted it. Though he did turn her down, his attraction to her was undeniable. He was staring at her chest all last night. Because they are magnificent! With boredom as her motivation, she walked over to Cullen to ask him a few more questions. He was startled by her sudden closeness. He backed away, but she just moved closer.

"Soo, last night, you turned me down. Why?" she cocked an eyebrow.

He stumbled over his words.

He cleared his throat before answering, "ah, you were intoxicated. It would not have been appropriate," he rubbed the back of his neck.

"But if I wasn't drunk?" she smiled.

"Maker…why are you asking such questions?" he had turned an intense shade of red.

Kiki could not help but be amused by the shyness of the commander. He was acting like a blushing bride every time she got near. She walked closer to him, and now they were no more than three inches apart.

"Because I really want to sit on your face," she declared enthusiastically.

He was taken aback by her forwardness. She could sense some unease in his demeanor. She was starting to think that maybe she had come off a little too strong, but she was very adamant about fucking him before she left. She was also not used to rejection.

"I…I," he paused, "Maker," he ran his hand through his hair. He opened his mouth to say something else, but they were interrupted by the arrival of the others.

It was Maxwell, Cassandra, and two other women she didn't recognize. As the four filed around the table, they all eyed them curiously. The woman in yellow seemed to be paying close attention to her dress. While the others were wondering why they were standing so close. The Herald was the first to address the situation.

"Cullen and Lady Kiki, are we interrupting something?" Maxwell jested.

Cullen quickly replied, "no."

But Kiki replied, "yes."

The Herald cocked an eyebrow while the other women chuckled around the table, well, except Cassandra. The latter frowned and made a disgusted noise. The commander shook his head before shifting his attention to the giant map on the table. Abruptly, the mood of the room went from light to undoubtedly serious. She had no idea what they were discussing, but it must have meant a lot to them. She watched as they moved pieces around the map like chess while offering strategy plans and questioning said outcome. They kept mentioning places like the Hinterlands, Ferelden, the Breach, and some areas she could not pronounce. She was left completely in the dark until someone said something she's heard of.

"Herald, while I understand you have a big heart, mages have no business being "free," they are dangerous when under pressure and can turn into abominations at any moment!" Cullen shouted.

"I will have to agree with the Commander," Cassandra added.

The other three shook their head and looked displeased. Kiki, however, was finally coming to understand her current situation and what they were doing. Not only was this a cosplaying convention, but it was also a place where they played Dungeons and Dragons. She felt a sense of relief splash over her now that she was confident, she was still in the year 2021.

"Well, I suppose we can discuss this later, but we will have to come to a decision once more people arrive. We cannot turn them away just because they are mages. And I also do not want to make them feel uncomfortable because they are mages," Maxwell tossed his hair as he looked over the map once more. He looked tired and frustrated.

Kiki could not decide whether she found the Herald or the Commander more attractive. Though Cullen had a classic blond hair rugged masculinity thing go on, the Herald was no slouch. He had pitch-black hair like Uncle Jessie from Full House, piercing blue eyes, fullish lips, and a chiseled face. He was kissed by the sun, slender but muscular built and the same height as Cullen. Both men were incredibly beautiful in their own way, fuck it, I'll fuck 'em both. She rubbed her hands together as she plotted a way to get them in bed.

Maxwell coughed, "Lady Kiki, are you alright?" he smirked.

She looked around the room and realized that everyone was intensely staring at her.

"Yes, I am, thanks for asking," she winked.

Cullen huffed in disapproval. Everyone else let out low chuckles.

"Lady Kiki here has asked for assistance in finding her people. A fellow by the name of Phone," he paused, "…she also requires a change on clothes," Cullen motioned to her outfit.

She smacked her lips, "I don't see what's wrong with what I got on," she puffed her chest out.

Cullen pinched the bridge of his nose, "Must we go over this again? Lady Kiki, you are dressed like a common whore. If your intention is to remain safe, it would be wise to change," he sighed.

She gasped, but the others nodded in agreement.

"Did you just call me a whore, Cullen?"

He rubbed the back of his neck and looked away, "I was only saying that…uhm," he paused.

"No, it's okay," she walked towards him, "I'll be a whore…for you," she winked.

"Maker, I …" Cullen stumbled backward.

The room erupted with laughter.

"Lady Kiki, I will have Leliana, our spymaster, look for this Phone fellow, but in the meantime," he turned to the woman in yellow, "Josephine will take you to find some clothes," Maxwell smiled.

She nodded, "thank you, handsome," she smiled.

He blushed and proceeded to walk towards the door, with everyone following behind him. She stayed behind when she noticed Cullen was lingering. He was still consumed by his paperwork. So not only was he good-looking, but hardworking too! She understood she was being absolutely dehydrated, but as Doja Cat said, I need to know. Once again, she put a sway in her walk and poked out her chest as she leaned seductively over the edge of the table. She knocked on wood again to get his attention. To her surprise, he did not look that uncomfortable.

"So, Cullen, about that facesitting?" she waited for his answer.

He wrote a couple of things down before stacking his paper, "Perhaps, later?" he looked at her intently.

She gasped in surprise and excitement. She could not believe he actually said yes.

"For realz?" her eyes widened as he walked closer to her.

He shook his head, "yes, but I have to finish my paperwork, so if you do not mind," he motioned towards the door. She was blocking the way.

She stood up and allowed him to pass. She walked right behind him. She wanted to ask him more questions, but her attention was stolen by Josephine as she ushered her away from the commander and towards a hallway.

They ended up in a room similar to the one with the big-ass map, but it was cleaner and well put together. Josephine had continuously eyed her and her attire since commuting to the room. She didn't know whether to be freaked out or flattered. Josephine instructed her to take a seat as she disappeared and then reemerged with a change of clothes. She pointed to a divider and told Kiki to change. While Kiki did not feel comfortable changing in the room with an ogling stranger, she could admit that she wanted to change her clothes. But she also wanted to bathe.

"Um, Josephine. Is there somewhere I can wash up?"

Her eyes widened, "Oh, forgive me! Yes, yes, there is." She disappeared from the room again.

Kiki waited for what seemed like an hour for Josephine to return. When she returned, the woman had two towels, soap, and a basin of warmed water. Does she expect me to take a hoe bath? Kiki was disgusted. This medieval thing had gone too far. She was done playing along and wanted to go home. She frowned as Josephine sat the materials next to her. She felt mildly insulted.

"Is there something wrong?" Josephine looked worried.

Kiki sucked in air, "I know ya'll got some weird cosplay real-life situation Dungeon, and Dragons shit going on, but I am ready to go home. Can I please use a phone so I can call an Uber," she held her palm out.

"I am sorry, but I do not know what cosplay and a phone are? But I am sure Leliana is locating your people as we speak," she half-smiled.

Kiki rubbed her temples, "What do you mean you don't know what cosplay is? It's what y'all are doing now. Stop playing with me, girl!" Kiki whined as she sunk to the floor. Josephine rushed to help her up.

"Lady Kiki, I can assure you, we are doing all that we can. In the meantime, you are welcome to stay here with us until your people come looking for you," she patted her on the back.

Kiki began to cry, "I don't understand why you keep saying my people. A phone is not a person, but an object. You know, to communicate with?" she sobbed out.

Josephine ran to her desk and grabbed a cloth.

"Thank you," Kiki blotted her eyes dry but did not get off the floor.

"Do I hear crying?" a baritone voice accompanied the footsteps. It was Maxwell.

Josephine stood to meet him.

"Yes, Lady Kiki here is most upset about being separated from her people."

"A phone is not a person Josephine, why do you keep saying that!?" Kiki fell out on the floor and started to cry. Iyanla, if you can hear me, please fix my life.

Maxwell ran over to her and took a knee, "Lady Kiki, perhaps you can give us more information. We cannot locate anyone by the name of Phone."

"Omg! A phone is not a person. It's a device used to communicate! It's technology!" she blurted out. She placed her palm on her ear and acted like she was calling someone, "See, like this," she acted out dialing.

The pair looked confused by her actions.

"Fine. Does someone have a car here so they can just drop me off?" she whined.

They were still confused and remained silent.

"What The Fuck!" Kiki was three seconds away from having a nervous breakdown.

"Now, Lady Kiki, that's no way to behave. We will find your family; I can assure you that!" Maxwell pulled her up from the ground. Josephine stood back in shock.

"Wait. Wait. What year is it?" her voice was almost a whisper.

"It is the year," Josephine paused and looked up, "9:40 Dragon," she remarked.

"Where are we?"

"Thedas," Maxwell answered quickly as he led her to the divider. "Now, how about you get dressed and get settled in. I must go," he smiled as he handed her clothes and the basin. He bowed away, leaving her alone with Josephine.

After having another mental breakdown and more or less coming to terms with her situation, Kiki found herself freshly bathed and in peasant attire. Though the outfit did not look bad, somehow, it highlighted her curves more than her hottie dress. Josephine had instructed her to help out around the camp. She talked to many people, but most replied that all their positions were full. She was going to give up when she realized the maids needed help with laundry. This should be easy! However, she was quickly corrected once she was met with shit-stained pants, a washboard, and a bucket – she noped out of the position real quick. She would try three more "traditional" feminine jobs before settling on being a bum. She was upset and emotional, everything was too much, and nothing was going her way. By the time she had found a bit of money, it was dark, and she realized she had nowhere to sleep. She sat far from the tents, on a stoop, wondering what she did in her past life to deserve such a dire fate. She sobbed as she prayed to a God that she didn't know still existed.

"Lady Kiki, you should not be out here alone. It is not safe," footsteps carried a voice with it.

She turned around and realized it was Cullen. Must be time for the facesitting!

She hopped up and ran to him, "Hello, gorgeous, ready for the facesitting?" she winked.

"Maker," he rubbed the back of his neck, "I suppose we can. I am just about done with my work, and I could use a break," he motioned her to follow.

She felt heat pull to her center as she prepared for the activities ahead. Although her day had not gone well, at least this could potentially make up for it. She imagined the commander to be very skilled since he quickly said yes. Beyond the facesitting, she'd hope he'd blow her back out as well. She became even more excited when she realized he had brought her to his tent. Oh shit, it's bout to go down! She shuffled in fast and took a seat on his makeshift bed. The tent was a bit dreary, but she was not concerned since she would only be looking at his face and the back of her eyelids. She watched in anticipation as he walked across the room, removed his armor, and sat down at his desk. She took that as her queue and began to remove all her clothes.

"Lady Kiki, what are you doing?!" Cullen blurted out as he covered his eyes.

She flung her dress on the floor and eyed him curiously.

"Preparing to sit on your face?" she was bewildered. She did not understand why he was so surprised by her removing her clothes.

He shook his head and sighed, "I did not realize that it required you to be naked."

She frowned, "um…not fully, but at least my bottom half," she paused, "Cullen, what are we doing here?" she stood up and walked over to him. He was still covering his eyes.

"I thought perhaps "sit on your face" meant something different," he confessed.

"Wha?" she rubbed her temples. She was starting to feel mental.

"Lady Kiki," he paused to wrap his mantle around her, "while I find you to be a beautiful woman," he walked her back to the cot, "I think perhaps."

"Don't say it!" she put her hand out, "don't tell me you want to be "just friends"!" she flopped down on the bed. She could not believe she was being friend-zoned by a dude larping in medieval attire.

"No, no, Lady Kiki. I just think we should take some time to, uhm…know each other," he half-smiled and rubbed his neck.

"Wha…" tears began to roll down her face. She was embarrassed.

He sat beside her and patted her shoulder, "there is no need to cry, Lady Kiki. I only wish to properly court you first," he handed her a cloth from his pocket.

She declined and opted to use her hands instead.

"Now, perhaps it's time I take you back to your tent since things aren't going …as planned," he stood up and held out his hand.

She shook her head no and made herself comfortable in his bed.

"Lady Kiki, it is not appropriate for you to stay here. Now let me escort you to your."

"Cullen, I don't have a tent or anything for that matter! I don't know how I ended up here, but I have nothing. Everything fucking sucks!" she sniffed.

"Lady Kiki, I…"

"You what? All I wanted to do was party, and now I am stuck here! There's no electricity, internet, or running water! And when I thought my day was going to get better," she motioned to him, "I'm left with blue clit!"

"I am sorry if I have added to your distress," he paused, "you may stay here for the night. We shall find you a place in the morning," he smiled. He walked over to his desk and blew out the lamp before grabbing a spare blanket and pillow, placing it on the floor.

She watched in displeasure, "Are you going to sleep on the floor?"

"Ah, yes," he stood still.

She scooted, patting the empty space in front of her, "nonsense, you can sleep with me. It is your bed after all, and I don't mind," she sultry whispered.

"Andraste, preserve me. Lady Kiki, it simply can't."

"Get in the bed, Cullen!" she demanded.

He sighed but ultimately succumbed to her demand. In no time, they were squished together in his less than comfortable bed. He was delightfully warm and smelled remarkably good to be living in the age of no showers. She could not help but sniff the man; he smelled like some type of flower and oak, heavenly. She nudged her face in his neck and inhaled deeply.

He coughed, "Lady Kiki…what are you?"

"You smell terrific. The best thing I smelled all day," she confessed. It was true. Everything smelled like rain and shit. Gross!

"Well," he chuckled, "Good night."

"Good night, gorgeous."