CHAPTER 3

"Thanks for coming in for today's session, Matt. I appreciate it," I said, looking over at him. He was seated in the chair next to me in front of Dr. Jenkins' desk. He reached his hand out to mine and squeezed it gently without saying a word. He had a smile on his face that was conciliatory and sad at the same time. My heart ached for what he was going through, for what we were all going through. The door to the office opened and Dr. Jenkins strode past us and stood behind his desk.

"My apologies for being a little late. My last appointment went slightly over the allotted time, but it was necessary."

"No worries, Jack. I'm off shift today and had nothing planned except to hang out with Finn all day. Thank you for allowing me the courtesy of letting me bring him in with me," said Matt, watching Finn, who was sitting silently on the couch next to Wyatt, who was in his infant carrier. They were both being very well mannered at the moment.

"You're welcome. I try to do my best to accommodate everyone involved in therapy," said Dr. Jenkins. "Shall we get started?" he asked as he took his seat. "So, how are the two of you doing?" Matt glanced at me, then over at the boys. He took a deep breath in before answering.

"To be totally honest, Jack...lousy. I hate this. All of this."

"Explain what you mean by 'all of this'."

"This situation," he said, moving his arms around in front of him. "Not living at home with my wife and son. Not being Wyatt's father. Not having both Jackson Walker or Gabby Dawson out of our lives. You name it, none of it's fair and I hate it all."

"You do realize that some of the reasons for this situation sits on your shoulders, don't you, Matt?"

"Of course I do and if I could take it back, I would."

"Even if you could do that, there would still be a situation." Dr. Jenkins looked at both of us. Matt and I knew that both of us were to blame.

"And that lies with me," I said. "If I hadn't slept with Jace, none of this would have happened."

"Don't blame yourself, Maddy. I slept with Gabby first, based on the wrong assumption that you and Walker had already slept together. That didn't happen until after we were separated."

"Yes, but if I had the sense to ask Jace to use a condom, I wouldn't have gotten pregnant. He told me he was sterile, so it didn't even occur to me. I have a Masters Degree, for Christ's sake! Yet I feel like the stupidest person in the world for letting that happen."

"You're not stupid, Maddy. You were guided by your heart and the revelation of his condition. But let me ask you...do you think he lied to you about that?" asked Dr. Jenkins.

"No, absolutely not. Part of the reason he went off the rails back in October was because I told him I was pregnant. He kept saying that felt like less of a man because he couldn't father any more babies. He talked about that a lot during his therapy. He didn't learn that he was no longer sterile until the night before I was due to fly back to Chicago. His therapist in Texas suggested he get himself retested, citing that he had been very sick for many years after he was rescued and suffered the effects of everything his captors had put him through. We didn't plan to sleep together, Matt. It just happened. There was no pretense, no discussion, just a lot of tears and emotions. It was something that came out of a need for both of us to feel like we were enough for someone, to put a period on the end of our unfinished life together. Everything was taken away from us so suddenly and neither of us has ever truly reconciled that." I pulled a tissue out of the box on Dr. Jenkins' desk and blotted the tears that had begun to fall. Matt's eyes were glistening with unshed tears.

"What about you, Matt? What guided you to do what you did?" Matt shifted in his chair and cleared his throat, obviously uncomfortable with the line of questioning Dr. Jenkins had begun.

"Anger, plain and simple. I wish I could say I was a better man than that, but it is what it is. I felt threatened by Jackson Walker from the moment I first saw him at The Roadhouse. Maddy never told me that he was alive, so it came as quite a shock. I was angry at her for that."

"We had an argument when we got home that night. I didn't keep it from you to be devious. When Audra called to tell me, I was shocked, too. If I had had the slightest notion that he would turn up in Chicago, I would have told you, Matt. I swear."

"I know, Maddy, I just wish you'd been honest with me from the moment you found out he was alive."

"I was trying to spare you the stress of knowing that, Matt. Besides that, you didn't exactly react in a good way when I told you I had been married to someone before Stephen Gage and that I had a baby with him. In fact, you walked out on me and moved in with Kelly for several weeks. I was also honest about not having slept with Jackson when you assumed we had and look where that got us."

"You know what, Maddy? I've had enough drama and bullshit in my life already, so when you dropped that little bomb on me about your first marriage, I bolted. I'm not proud of it, but it was the only reaction I could muster after the life I had when you went away to college. I'm allowed that much, for Christ's sake!" Now his anger was palpable.

"Yeah, I guess you are allowed that much, but let's not forget that you are the one that disappeared after I went to school. I had no idea where you were or what had happened. No explanation. Nothing. So, you know what, Matt? After three years of living with the memory of you and not being able to move on without you, I was sure as hell allowed to fall in love with someone else and be happy again! That's exactly what I did and you can't handle that! And for the record, the life you had after I went to school didn't happen because I left Chicago. It happened because your mother put a bullet in your father's chest." The feelings of anger that I had been trying to suppress came bubbling over the surface of my cool exterior. I couldn't hold it back any longer. I hated being upset in front of Finn, but Matt pushed me into a corner by intimating that the series of events that happened in his life after I went away to school was somehow my fault.

"I know it wasn't your fault, Maddy. I'm not saying it was," said Matt, letting out a long sigh and rubbing his hand over his face.

"If you had contacted me and told me where you were and what had happened, I would have never let Jackson Walker into my life."

"I was an eighteen year old kid who had just lost both his parents. I was whisked away to California to live with my Uncle Bill and his wife. I lost my whole life as I knew it in a matter of days, Maddy. My head was reeling from it. I was messed up for a long time after that."

"And none of it was your fault, Matthew. I know that," I said.

"When I finally got my head on straight, I wanted so badly to contact you again, but your mother never liked me to begin with, so I didn't even try. If she hated me then, she'd certainly want nothing to do with me being the son of a wife beater and his murderer."

"She didn't hate you, Matthew. She was afraid that you'd become like your father and eventually start hitting me. She was trying to protect me."

"So, it would seem that both of you have lost a tremendous amount in your lives,"
interjected Dr. Jenkins, who had been listening patiently. Both Matt and I nodded our heads in agreement. "Looking back," continued Dr. Jenkins, "do either of you think that what you felt for each other as teenagers was truly sustainable, given the circumstances?"

"Probably not, at least not at that time," said Matt. "But it didn't stop me from loving her."

"Yeah, you loved me so much that you got engaged to one woman and then married another and never bothered to find out where I was," I said, surprised at myself for my candor.

"Yeah, just like you married two different men before me, so how is that any different?" Matt shot back.

"I never said it was different, Matthew. Our lives have had many parallels, that's all. You don't have to get so defensive."

"I'm sorry I snapped. This is all so difficult for me."

"It's difficult for everyone involved, Matt. Not just you."

"I doubt Walker has shed a tear over any of this," said Matt.

"That's where you're wrong, Matthew. He has shed many tears over this, because I've seen them. Do you honestly think he is gloating about this situation? He's a better man than that, in spite of what you think of him. You don't know him the way I do."

"You're right, I didn't fuck him."

"But you did fuck Gabby Dawson, didn't you?" The urge to slap him across the face gripped me like a vice until I caught a glimpse of Finn. He was watching us and listening intently. Bringing him here wasn't the best idea that Matt had, especially since he was being an arrogant asshole, plain and simple.

"OK, this isn't getting us anywhere," interjected Dr. Jenkins. "We need to move beyond the why's and who's of what happened. The fact is that they happened and you can't change them. So, let's talk about your feelings for each other. I'll start with you, Maddy."

"I don't know where to begin," I said.

"Start with how you felt about Matt when you went away to college."

"He was everything to me. I loved him with my whole heart. He was the man I was planning to marry when I graduated from NYU. We were supposed to have a life together. It was all we talked about."

"And then what happened?"

"Like I said, he was suddenly gone from my life a few months after I left with no explanation."

"And how did that make you feel?"

"Broken, terrified, angry, alone. I lived in the shadow of our relationship for the next three years. I was unable to move on because no one could ever live up to the standard that Matthew had set. In my heart, I felt like I would be cheating on him if I was with someone else."

"So, would you say you had built up a wall around you to protect the memories you had of him?"

"That's exactly what I did. I lived behind that wall for three years."

"Then what happened?"

"In March of my junior year, I went to Cancun for spring break and met Jackson Walker."

"He ended up breaking down that wall, didn't he?" I nodded my head, unable to speak for the tears that were cascading down my cheeks. "Did he make you forget Matthew?"

"No, not exactly. I never forgot Matthew, but Jace brought love into my life again. He opened up my heart and changed everything about me and the life I was living."

"What changed, Maddy?"

"I fell in love with him. He filled up that empty space inside me that Matthew's disappearance left." I felt Matt reach over and take my hand. I turned to look at him. His eyes were shimmering with unshed tears. I knew that this would be difficult for him to hear, but it had to be said.

"Now that Jackson Walker is back in your life, has that changed how you feel about Matt?"

"Absolutely not. Matt is my husband and I love him. Jackson coming back could never change that."

"Has anything changed the way you feel about Matt?"

"Just two things," I said, trying to choke back a sob. "The fact that he slept with Gabby Dawson and that he never told me that they had been married at one time. Sometimes, I can't look at him when I think about that...and I know I am in no position to judge him, but I can't help the way I feel. If it had been someone else...some nameless, faceless woman, it wouldn't be so painful, if that makes sense. Gabby Dawson has had it in for me ever since Matt and I first reunited and started dating. It got worse when Matt and I got married."

"Tell me a little about that," said Dr. Jenkins.

"She would constantly touch him...rub his shoulders, his neck, right in front of me. Things like that...no boundaries. It was like she was challenging me to say something to her about it. When Matt and I were trying to get pregnant, it escalated and turned cruel," I said, wiping away more tears with a crumpled up tissue.

"But I took care of that for you," said Matt, still gripping my hand.

"Yes, you did," I said.

"What did you do?" asked Dr. Jenkins.

"I told Gabby to back off or I would report her to IA. She left us alone after that. She eventually moved to Puerto Rico, so it was no longer an issue."

"Now that we're on the subject, tell me how you felt about Maddy back when you were in high school," said Dr. Jenkins.

"She was the best thing to ever happen to me, Jack. I had such a miserable home life and she brought light and love to me when I needed it most."

"How did you two meet?"

"It was in tenth grade and we were in the library. I rounded a corner and bumped into her, knocking her books out of her arms. I already knew who she was. We shared an English class together. She was the girl who wrote the most beautiful poetry I had ever heard. Anyway, we both bent down to pick up her books and our eyes locked. It was at that moment, looking at her face, that she took my breath away. I remember I kept staring at her and I couldn't speak. It was the strangest thing. It was like I was seeing her for the first time and she was suddenly the most beautiful girl in the world to me."

I pulled another tissue from the box on Dr. Jenkins' desk and wiped my tears away. Finn suddenly jumped down off the couch and crawled up into my lap.

"Momma no cry," he said. He touched my cheek with his little hand. I kissed the side of his head and wrapped my arms around him.

"Momma's okay, Finny," I said, gently bouncing him on my lap. As he laid his head on my chest, Wyatt began to fuss, signaling me that it was time for him to eat. Without a word, Matt got up from his chair and picked Finn up from my lap.

"Momma's okay, big guy. It's time for her to feed your baby brother now, so come sit with Daddy," he said, sitting back down and holding Finn close to him.

"Wyatt's hungry, huh Daddy?"

"Yep, he sure is." I got up from my chair and walked over to the couch. I unbuckled Wyatt, scooped him up in my arms and kissed his head. I sat down on the couch with one foot tucked underneath me. I reached up under my shirt and unsnapped the nursing bra flap on my right breast, positioned Wyatt and he immediately latched on and began to suckle.

"He's got that down pat," said Matt, watching us and smiling.

"He certainly does," I replied, smiling back at him. "We can pick up where we left off, Dr. Jenkins? I can multitask," I said.

"I can vouch for that, Jack. I've seen her nurse him while making meatballs. It's an art form," said Matt. His words touched me in that special place that belonged to only him. In spite of everything we had been through in the last few months, there was no denying that we still loved each other.

"Haha! OK, then...you can continue where you left off, Matt," said Dr. Jenkins. Matt shifted Finn around on his lap so that he was sitting sideways with his head against Matt's chest.

"After that day in the library, Maddy and I were inseparable. We dated for the next two years and I knew then that she would be the girl I would marry. My only concern was that she'd find out about my father's dirty little secret. I knew she'd want nothing to do with me if she did."

"That's not true, Matthew. I was never given that choice because you kept that part of your life hidden from me. I loved you for you, not your parents. You loved me in spite of how my mother treated you. I wouldn't have turned my back on you."

"But your mother…"

"But my mother, nothing. I always did exactly what I wanted in spite of my mother's ridiculous demands. You know that better than anyone, Matt. You should have had more faith in me and how I felt about you."

"I'm sorry, baby. I was just so young and confused. If I could do it all over again, I would have hunted you down to the ends of the earth," he said. He wiped his eyes with his hands and cleared his throat.

"What about now?" interjected Dr. Jenkins. "How do you feel about Maddy now?"

"I love her. Nothing will ever stop me from loving her."

"But has the love you feel for her been altered at all?'

"The fact that she slept with Jackson Walker was a difficult revelation for me, not that it was totally unexpected. It still hurt like hell. When he came back to town and claimed to be Wyatt's father, I thought it was a desperate attempt to get her back, but it wasn't. Finding out that I was not that baby's father was devastating."

"It was devastating to me, too," I said, my voice barely above a whisper. "Once I found out that Jackson was no longer sterile, I prayed every night that the baby was Matt's. I told myself that Jackson was out of my life and I would live every day for the rest of my life believing that Matt was the father. When Jackson showed up at the hospital after Wyatt was born, everything blew up in my face."

"May I ask how Jackson found out that he may have fathered your child?"

"I thought it might have triggered when he got the fertility test results, but it didn't. It wasn't until he was in the coma last October that I confessed to him that he could be the father. I didn't want Jackson to die and I told him that in the hopes that he would hear me and fight to stay alive."

"As I understand it," said Dr. Jenkins, "you also fathered a child with Ms. Dawson. Is that correct, Matt?"

"Yes, a little girl," said Matt in a hushed tone. Finn had since fallen asleep on Matt's lap. I took Wyatt off my right breast and rubbed his back for a couple of minutes, then latched him onto my left breast to finish feeding. I leaned my head back against the couch and wiped my eyes with my sleeve.

"How did that make you feel, Matt?"

"Angry at myself that I could be so careless. Scared that I was going to lose Maddy. A whole host of emotions."

"What about you, Maddy? How did it make you feel?"

"Devastated." There was no other word that described it so succinctly.

"Last I knew, she was on birth control pills. It was my fault for not asking."

"It's interesting to me how there are so many parallels between yours and Maddy's situations."

"Do you think that means something, Jack?" asked Matt.

"I don't know if it means something in particular. It could just be a catalyst for the two of you recognizing that you have each been in similar situations throughout all of this, which may lend itself to a smoother reconciliation."

"It would be a smooth reconciliation if I could move back home," said Matt, looking over at me.

"Matthew, we've discussed this many times," I said, feeling exasperated with him.

"Why don't we leave this until our next session? The hour is just about up. Shall we schedule it for a couple of weeks from today, same time?"

Matt pulled his phone out of his pants pocket and checked his calendar. He told Dr. Jenkins that he was on shift that day, but could get away for an hour or so. He got up from the chair, with a sleeping Finn in his arms, and shook Dr. Jenkins' hand and thanked him. I was changing Wyatt's diaper when Matt came up behind me.

"You wanna grab some lunch? I promised Finn I'd take him to McDonald's if he behaved. I know it's not your favorite place to eat, but I thought it might be nice if we all went out together."

"Yeah, sure...as long as I'm home by three o'clock. That's the time Jace usually comes over to spend some time with the baby."

"OK, I'll meet you at the McDonald's on Martin Luther King. You know it?"

"Yeah, I went there frequently for fries and chocolate shakes while I was pregnant." "I remember," said Matt, smiling softly. "See you there in fifteen."