CHAPTER 5
"Finn, sit up and finish your lunch. Come on, buddy. You can play when we get home," said Matt, picking Finn up and putting him on his lap. He handed him a chicken nugget, which Finn happily munched into. "Looks like I'm feeding your lunch to you," he said.
"I feed Wyatt all of his meals. It's only fair you feed one to Finn," I said. A soft smile broke out across Matt's face. It was nice to see him smile again.
"How have you been feeling, Maddy? You look tired," said Matt, handing another chicken nugget to Finn.
"I am tired, Matt. Having a two month old and a toddler is a lot of work," I said, picking at the rest of my salad while Wyatt nursed at my left breast.
"Isn't Em still helping you?"
"Yeah, but Em can be like a third child at times," I said. Matt chuckled softly.
"That's true, I guess. You know, I could always move back home. That way, you wouldn't have to rely on Em so much," he said, handing Finn a French fry.
"Matthew…we've talked..."
"I know, I know...we've talked about this a hundred times. I'm just hoping one of these times, you'll think it's a good idea."
"It's not just up to me, Matt. You have to decide if you can come back home and accept that Wyatt is not your son," I said in a hushed voice.
"Maddy, I…"
"And before you say another word, I want you to think long and hard about it, because I can tell you that if you ever wanted to bring Isa to our house for any reason, I would have a very difficult time with that. You would have to live every day, watching this baby grow up, being a second father to him and everything that implies. So don't answer so fast and pretend everything is peachy just because you want to come back home," I said in a thin, tight voice.
"Don't you want me to come back?"
"It's not about what you or I want, Matt!hew" I said, my voice getting louder. "It's about what you're willing to do and to accept and I don't think you've worked through that yet! Jesus, how many times do I have to say it?"
"Okay, okay...I hear you," said Matt, holding up one hand with his palm turned towards me. It was his universal sign for me to calm down without him having to say it. I took a deep breath in and let it out, trying to settle myself down.
"Thank you," I said in a more quieted tone.
We finished eating and I tended to Finn and the baby while Matt went to the restroom. I had washed Finn's hands and face and had Wyatt buckled into his car seat by the time Matt came back to the table.
"How about a little ride before we head home? There's something I want to show you." I took my phone out of the diaper bag to look at the time. It was only one thirty. Jace usually came around three o'clock everyday. He would occasionally text me to say when he was going to be late or a little early, so I was confident that we had plenty of time. Matt picked up Finn and I picked up the car seat and the four of us trudged out of the restaurant. We packed the kids in the back seat of the car. Matt climbed into the driver's seat and with me next to him in the passenger seat.
"Where are we going?" I asked as we pulled out onto the road.
"I want to show you the progress that my crew and I have made on the new house," said Matt. My first instinct was to balk at the idea, having just told him that our blissful married life wasn't possible right now. Instead, I bit my tongue.
"I'd like to see that. It's been a while," I said, smiling at him.
"Good. That makes me happy," he said. His smile was so wide, it displayed his cute little dimple on his left cheek perfectly. I felt like I hadn't seen that dimple in forever and seeing it now made me happy.
"Thanks for coming with me today, by the way. It meant a lot to me," I said.
"I'll do whatever it takes, baby. You know that," he said, looking over at me and taking my hand in his. I glanced at the two boys in the backseat. Both of them were sound asleep. We drove for about twenty minutes until Matt pulled the car off the road and into a makeshift driveway made of two by eight pieces of lumber through two rows of oak trees. As we drove in closer, I could see that the basement was in and the outer shell of the house had been erected and covered in Tyvek. The last time I had been here was when it was just a plot of land.
"Oh my God, Matt! It looks amazing! You've done so much!" I exclaimed, trying not to wake the kids.
"Wait til you see the inside, baby," he said, putting the car into park. He turned to look at the kids in the backseat. "Let them sleep.I'll lock the car so we can leave the boys here. We won't be long and we can see the car from the house." We both got out of the car and walked up the front steps, stopping in front of the large ornate oak door that was the entrance to the house.
"Where did you find this?" I said, rubbing my hand over the detailing.
"It was in an antique shop just outside of the city. I saw it in the corner and knew you'd love it. There will be a large wrap around porch here, too. I know you've always wanted one of those." Matt unlocked the door and pushed it in. "Go on in."
I stepped inside the entry hall to see all the interior walls were up, including the sheet rock. Matt stepped inside and took my hand. He led me down the entry hall into a large room with cathedral ceilings and a big field stone fireplace.
"This is the great room," he said, proudly looking around. "Picture wide plank wooden floors in here and into the dining room," he said, pointing to the bank of ceiling to floor windows that were on the other side of the great room.
"Wow, Matt...this is really spectacular. You've outdone yourself."
"If you think this is spectacular, wait until you see your kitchen," he said, leading me down a short hallway just past the dining room. We walked into a large expansive room that was already fitted with oak cabinetry with granite counter tops, two wall ovens and a large island in the middle.
"This is just...I'm speechless," I said, looking around at the grandeur of the room. "I can't believe you did all this."
"I wanted it to be someplace special, Maddy. A place where we can raise the boys and be happy together." I felt a twinge of sadness inside of me. I wanted so much to believe him...to believe in us and that we could be happy together given the difficult circumstances we were currently facing. I covered my mouth with my hands, trying to stop the tears from coming, but it was too late.
"I'm sorry, baby," said Matt, putting his arms around me. "I didn't mean to make you cry."
"I cry at the drop of a hat these days," I said. He pulled me into an embrace. It felt good to feel his arms around me and the warm comfort of my head against his chest.
"That's my fault," he said.
"No, Matt. It's not just your fault. It's my fault, too. I've been thinking about something Dr. Jenkins said today. He was talking about the ideals we had about our relationship when we were kids and how it may not have been sustainable, that maybe we only wanted to think it could work. It made me wonder if maybe you and I are in love with the idea of us, instead of the reality of us."
"That doesn't even make sense, Maddy. I have always loved you, as much as I do now...even more."
"I love you too, Matt...but did you ever stop to think that in the four and a half years that we've been married that we've had our share of troubles, long before Jackson Walker came into our lives. We've separated three times now."
"I blame myself. If I hadn't grown up in a family full of dirty little secrets, I wouldn't have been so afraid to face the truth. Instead, I felt slapped in the face and my first reaction was to run and hide when things got tough."
"I'm as much to blame. I had a past I didn't tell you about."
"But that's because you couldn't remember a lot of it, not because you were hiding it from me."
"But you thought I had hidden it from you, Matt. You moved out because of it. If we honestly loved each other, do you think either of us could walk away so easily or sleep with other people? People who are in love and in a committed relationship don't do that, whether it's out of a sense of anger or revenge or even loss." He rubbed his hand over his face and let out a sigh.
"Maddy, we both need to move forward here. Bringing up the past isn't going to help either of us. I brought you here for a reason. I wanted you to know that I am still thinking about our future. This house is a monument to us and everything we've built together. I love you. I always will." He pulled me back into his arms and tilted my face up towards his. He slowly leaned down and placed his lips on mine, enveloping me in a soft kiss. My body responded to him instantly and I wrapped my arms around his neck, fervently kissing him back. He splayed his hands across my back and pulled me in even closer, pressing our bodies tightly together until I abruptly pulled my mouth away from his and pulled out of his hold.
"I'm sorry, Maddy. Force of habit. I miss you so goddamn much," he said, rubbing his eyes. I stood there for several seconds, unable to speak. I wiped my eyes with the backs of my hands and straightened my clothing..
"It's okay, Matt. I understand more than you might think. I just...I need to get home. Jace will be waiting to see Wyatt," I said. He nodded his head and walked dejectedly towards the front door. I followed behind him. We walked out onto the front steps, pulling the front door shut behind us. As Matt locked up the house, I wondered if we would ever be a family again and be able to live here together.