CHAPTER 7

"Have you made a decision about the date you'll be coming back to work, Mads?" asked Em. We had this same discussion about once a week since I had given birth to Wyatt. My answer was always the same.

"I don't know if I'm coming back, Em. You already know that," I replied. "Why do you keep asking me?"

"Because one of these times, I'm hoping you'll give me an actual date that you'll be returning," she said, looking every bit like the petulant child that she was.

"Jesus, you're beginning to sound like Matt. My life is completely different right now than I expected it would be, so I can't give you an honest answer. My plan was to resign, but now that Matt and I are separated, everything is up in the air. I still have another month to figure it out before my twelve weeks are up. If push comes to shove, I'll have to bring Wyatt into the office with me, I guess."
"Does that mean that you and Casey aren't getting back together?"

"No, it means that Wyatt is breastfed and I'm not ready to give that up or start pumping. Jesus, Em."

"How are the two of you doing?"

"It's hard to say. One minute, he's the man I know and love, but the next minute, he's saying nasty things to me in therapy. It's doing my head in."

"Are you making any headway at all?"

"We're both saying things to each other that need to be said...and I'll leave it at that."

"What about you and Walker?"

"Jace hasn't been to therapy with me yet," I said, intentionally skirting the issue that I know she was most interested in.

"That's not what I meant, Mads."

"Then what do you mean?"

"How are you and Walker getting along?"

"Fine."

"Are you being vague on purpose?"

"Yes, Em...because I know how you are. You're being your usual nosey self."

"I'm your best friend, Mads. You're supposed to be able to tell me everything."

"But, I can't...at least not since you went running to Matt with things that you suspected were happening between Jace and me. You could have done a lot of damage by doing that, yet that seems lost on you."

"I've apologized for that over and over again," she said, looking reticent.

"Not enough for my satisfaction," I said, still feeling some anger and resentment over her actions back then. "And for the record, there is nothing going on between me and Jackson, so stop speculating that there is once and for all."

"OK, Mads. Look, I think it's best that I get out of your hair for a little while, so I'm gonna take Finster to the park. I'll pack up a quick picnic lunch for us. Is that okay with you?"

"Of course it is. Just make sure you have extra Pull-Ups with you. We're still trying to master the potty-training thing. He's got the pooping down, just not the peeing."

"Oh God, the things parents have to deal with. No thank you," she said, wrinkling up her nose and waving her hands in an exaggerated way. I briefly wondered if Kelly knew how vehemently she constantly railed against having children of her own. She was great with Finn, but that was probably a direct result of her knowing she could hand him back to either Matt or myself at the end of the day and that's where her responsibility ended. She packed up some food and gathered Finn up and headed out the back door, the both of them singing that annoying baby shark song. Wyatt was still asleep, so I made myself a cup of herbal tea and headed back into the living room to put my feet up. I took a sip of tea, closed my eyes and rested my head against the back of the chair just in time to hear my cell phone ring. I answered it, keeping my eyes closed and trying not to disturb my peaceful vibe.

"Maddy Casey," I said.

"Hello, Maddy Casey. This is Matt Casey...your husband. You remember me, don't you?" His voice always calmed me, even in these tumultuous times.

"Ummm...let me think...sandy colored hair, blue green eyes, cute little dimple in your left cheek...that's you, isn't it?" I found myself smiling in spite of everything.

"You got it, baby!"

"What's up, Matt?"

"Well, I was just wondering if you'd like to have dinner with me tonight. I can get off shift early, say around six o'clock and can meet you at the house. What do you say to that?"

"I don't know, Matt. I really don't feel like going out anywhere. I'm way too tired these days," I said, yawning.

"How about I bring dinner to you? You, me and Finn around the dining room table. I'll even clean up and do the dishes. How does that sound?" I knew exactly what he was trying to do, but it was something I needed and so did Finn. He knew that things were not as they usually were and he often asked for Matt, especially at bedtime.

"That sounds great, Matt."

"Good. I'll see you tonight, baby. I love you."

"Love you too," I said. I did love him. If only he hadn't slept with Gabby and fathered a child, he would probably still be living at home. But then again, I was sure that he felt the same way about me having a baby with Jace. Then there was Jace and my feelings for him. I was in love with two men and had no idea which way to turn. It was all too overwhelming to think about. I put my elbows on my knees and held my head in my hands. I closed my eyes in spite of the tears that were flowing out of them. I silently wept for several minutes, feeling the weight of my world laying directly on my shoulders.

"Jesus, Cookie... are you okay?" said Jace, his voice suddenly cutting through the quiet of the room. He had let himself through the back door, which is why I didn't hear him come in. He was kneeling down next to the chair. His face was the picture of concern.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, lifting my head and wiping my face with the palms of my hands.

"You don't cry like that when you're fine."

"It's the postpartum hormones. I cry at band aid commercials these days," I said, standing up and straightening out my clothes. Jace stood up, towering over me as he placed two fingers under my chin and lifted my face up to his.

"I hate seeing you cry, baby," he said. He leaned down and kissed my forehead, then pulled me into a warm, secure embrace. One hand splayed across my lower back while the other hand gently stroked my hair. He always made me feel so safe and secure, like he would always be there to protect me from any harm.

"This feels nice," I said, pushing the side of my face into his chest. The natural scent of his body mixed with his cologne filled my head. I had to fight against the urge to kiss his chest hair, so I quickly pulled out of his hold.

"Wyatt will be waking up soon," I said as I picked up my cup and slowly walked towards the kitchen. Jace's hand held my arm to stop me.

"Are you sure you're alright, baby? I never could stand to see you cry."

"I'm okay, really. Seems like I cry all the time lately."

"That's my fault," he said, his look crestfallen.

"No, Jackson. Don't do that. It's not your fault, at least not entirely. It's your fault, it's my fault, it's Matt's fault and it's Gabby Dawson's fault. We're all in this nightmare together," I said, wiping the tears off my cheeks for what seemed like the hundredth time in the last couple of months.

"I can make this nightmare end, baby. You know I can." The look on his face now was confident and determined.

"I know and that's what scares me," I said, gently pulling away from him.

"Is a life with me that goddamn scary to you? You had it once before." He put his hands on his hips and let out a deep sigh.

"Scary only in the sense that it's everything I need right now."

"You can have it, Cook...just say the word."

"It's not that simple, cowboy."

"It can be that simple if you'd just accept it."

"No, it can't," I said sternly, feeling my anger start to rise.

"Give me one good reason why not."

"Jesus, Jackson! I just got done with the Spanish Inquisition with my own personal Torquemada, for Christ's sake! I don't need an interrogation from you, too!" I stalked into the kitchen and put my tea cup into the dishwasher, slamming the door closed in anger. I turned around and leaned back against the counter with my arms folded across my chest. Within seconds, Jace appeared in the kitchen. He walked towards me in slow measured steps, like he was afraid of waking a sleeping lioness.

"Oh, come on Jackson...I'm not that much of a threat," I said, rubbing my forehead. A faint smile appeared on his face.

"The hell you're not! I learned very early in our relationship not to poke the beast inside my feisty little filly. She turned into a fucking dragon." And then it happened...I laughed. It was the first time in a while that I laughed out loud.

"I don't know if I'm crying laughing or just plain crying, but it feels good," I said, wiping my cheeks. Jace came closer and wrapped his arms around me again. He pulled me in close to him. I laid my head against his chest and put my arms around his waist. He slowly ran his hands up and down my back.

"Let it out, baby. You'll feel better," he said. His voice was soft and reassuring. I tightened my arms around him and quietly wept against his chest. After a few minutes, I tried to pull myself together, but the feeling of being wrapped up in Jace's arms was too good to let go. After another few minutes, he spoke.

"All better now?" he said.

"For the moment. I wish I could say everything was all better, but I doubt it will ever be that way," I said, pulling out of Jace's arms and walking back into the living room with him following me. I grabbed a tissue from the stand next to my chair. As I dabbed my eyes, the unmistakable sound of Wyatt's cry crackled over the baby monitor.

"You're on, Papa," I said. A broad smile suddenly appeared on his face. He turned and practically ran up the stairs. How could giving one man such incredible happiness be so wrong? How could it bring another man such anguish? These are the things that I have struggled with on a daily basis since we found out that Wyatt was Jace's son and not Matthew's. My sadness lifted at the sound of Jace talking to Wyatt over the baby monitor. It made me giggle because Jace was such a big, imposing man with a booming voice, but every time he talked to Wyatt, it was in a goofy little voice. After a few minutes, he came back down into the living room and handed the baby to me. I positioned him at the breast and he quickly latched on and began to nurse. He watched us with great interest and the sense of wonder that he always did.

"Can I get something started for dinner tonight? Just tell me what you want me to do, baby, and I'm on it."

"I'm not cooking tonight. Matt is getting off shift early and bringing dinner with him. He called just before you got here." Immediately, the look on Jace's face went from one of happiness to one of complete disappointment. "I'm sorry, Jace." I could see his anger bubbling just under the surface and I knew he was about to blow.

"Goddamn him! Goddamn him! He knows full well that I come here on the nights he's on shift! I shouldn't be surprised. He's a sneaky sonofabitch. I should be used to this kind of shit by now."

"Jackson, please…"

"Don't 'Jackson please' me, Madeleine! I get little enough time with Wyatt as it is and now he's cutting into what time I do get with him. It's just not fair, baby."

"Jace, I know Matt. He wouldn't do this on purpose. He only wants…"

"The hell he's not and I don't care what he wants, Madeleine! I'm done caring about anything Matt Casey wants, except for you. That's exactly why he's doing this, baby. You can be sure of that!" Wyatt suddenly pulled off of my breast and started to cry. I picked him up and put him on my shoulder. I rubbed his back and talked to him to try to soothe him. After a few minutes, he was calm enough to latch on to the other breast.

"I'm doing the best I can, Jace. I am constantly reminded everyday of the situation and how it's affecting everyone. I let you see Wyatt any time you want and I have to let Matt see Finn just as much. I doubt Matt even realizes that today is one of your days with Wyatt. He's not that kind of man, in spite of what you think of him."

"Is that what you thought of him when you found him pumping his ex-wife in the bed you shared together?"

"You know what, Jackson? I think I want you to leave."

"But baby, I…"

"Just go. Now, please. Just to be clear, this is my decision, so you can blame me for this and not Matt." He leaned down and kissed Wyatt on the top of his head, then slowly retreated towards the front door. He grabbed the door knob, then stopped and turned around to look at me.

"I love you, little man...and I love you too, Cookie," he said, his voice cracking. I shook my head in acknowledgement, but could not look at him. I knew that my telling him to leave was killing him inside and in truth, my heart was aching for him. But I would not allow him to talk to me that way or talk about Matt that way. Neither would I let Matt talk about Jace that way. It was self-serving and benefited only themselves and there were more people to consider in this mess. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the padding of the chair while Wyatt continued to nurse. I was suddenly overwhelmed by a feeling of guilt for asking Jace to leave. I carefully stood up, cradling Wyatt close as I walked to the front door.

"Jackson, wait!" I shouted through the screen door. He was just getting into his Hummer. He turned and looked at me, his face the picture of sadness. "Wait a minute, please. Come back here," I said. He slid out of the front seat, shut the driver's side door and walked back up on the front porch. He stood there silent with his arms folded across his chest.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you to leave. Please come back inside." I pushed the screen door open and he stepped inside.

"He's my son, Madeleine. I need to be with him as much as I can," he said, his eyes were cast downward.

"I know and that's why I asked you to come back in. I shouldn't have punished you for something you said by taking away from your time with Wyatt," I said.

"No, you shouldn't have," he replied.

"Having said that, you shouldn't have made that comment about Matt. I'll be damned before I'd let him talk about you that way, so I won't allow you to talk about him that way either. There has to be a truce about that or none of this is going to work...not now, not in the future and definitely not in therapy. You understand that, don't you Jackson?"

"I do, Cookie...but…"

"There are no 'buts' here, Jackson. We have to put aside our anger and frustration about all of this, at least outside of Dr. Jenkins' office."

"OK, baby. I'll do anything for you," he said.

"OK, good. Now, I'm going to call Matt and tell him that you'll be joining us for dinner. He needs to know that this is your day with Wyatt and that his plans for dinner are not going to alter that."

"Thank you, baby. That means a lot to me. Can I take him from you now?" he said, holding out his hands. Wyatt had pulled off my breast and had fallen asleep in my arms. I carefully handed him to Jace who cradled him in his big arms. The look on his face as he gazed down at his son was one of complete joy and for the first time in the last couple of months, I felt as though I was a little more in control than I felt when Wyatt was first born. Maybe there was a light at the end of this tunnel after all.