CHAPTER 8

"You wanna grab some lunch while it's quiet?" asked Kelly, as he ducked his head inside Matt's quarters.

"Not hungry, but thanks for the offer," said Matt, not looking up from the paperwork on his desk.

"Come on, bro...I know things are fucked up right now, but not eating isn't going to help. Walk away from those reports, even if it's for fifteen minutes to grab a sandwich with me."

"I said I'm not hungry, Severide!" Matt snapped, whipping his head up to look at Kelly.

"Fine, but this kind of attitude isn't helping anyone...least of all, you. Later." Kelly turned around and walked away with a determined stride. Matt didn't care that his friend was annoyed by his attitude. He was annoyed with Kelly for thinking that a goddamn ham sandwich was going to help him feel better about his wife having another man's baby.

"You don't have a fucking clue, Severide. No one does," said Matt, muttering to himself. He pushed his thumb and his middle finger into his eyes, trying to dispel the memory of the results of the paternity test and Maddy asking him to temporarily move out of the house. With that sonofabitch Walker still hanging out in Chicago, Matt could only imagine what he was planning. He made it clear that he still loved Maddy and wanted her back and Matt knew he would do anything to achieve that. With him out of the house, it left it wide open for Walker to take his place, despite Maddy's protests to the contrary. And now, Walker was going to join them for dinner. Matt had wanted to have an intimate dinner with Maddy and Finn, but he managed to worm his way into that, too.

What added fuel to the fire that was burning around them was that Matt had fathered a baby with Gabby Dawson. The severity of that and its effect on the stability of his marriage to Maddy wasn't lost on Matt. He knew just how badly it had hurt Maddy. They were both suffering similar wounds from different guns. He blamed Jackson Walker for all of it. His unexpected presence in Chicago last summer had set off the chain of events that tore his marriage apart. He wanted to call Maddy and beg her to let him come back home so they could work on their problems, but he knew in his heart that every time he looked at Wyatt, he would be reminded of the fact that she had slept with Walker. He had loved that baby since Maddy told him she was pregnant, never doubting that he was the child's father. Even after Maddy had confessed that she and Jace had slept together, he never considered that Jace could be the father because Maddy told him that Jace was sterile. He knew she wouldn't lie about that, but he was sure that Walker would use it as leverage to take Maddy away from him. Matt had never hated anyone in his life before. He made the decision not to hate anyone after what he went through with his parents. Hate drained all of your energy and he wanted nothing to do with such negative feelings, but what he felt for Jackson Walker was dangerously close to hate. He was also regretting having snapped at Kelly, so he got up from his office desk to go find him so he could apologize. He walked through the sleeping quarters and out through the day room until he was in the kitchen. Almost the entire house was there, but Kelly was nowhere to be seen.

"Anyone seen Severide?" he asked.

"He's at the table on the apparatus floor. Said he needed to be alone," said Cap. Matt turned around and walked through the apparatus room doors. He immediately saw Kelly seated at the table. He slowly approached him.

"Hey, I'm sorry about that back there. I was out of line. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that," said Matt, in a conciliatory tone. He was truly sorry for having spoken to his best friend that way, especially when he was only trying to ease his pain.

"I was only trying to help, Matt. I know you're hurting. It's hard for me to know what to say about what you're going through right now."

"I know. It's difficult for everyone...not just me and Maddy, but everyone we're close to."

"I just want you to know that I'm here if you need to talk."

"Thanks, Kelly. I appreciate that. Just so you know, part of the reason I snapped is because I had just gotten off the phone with Maddy. I called her earlier to tell her I was getting off shift early to bring dinner for me, her and Finn. She called me back to tell me that Walker was also going to be there. It's one of his days with Wyatt and she didn't want to interrupt that, so she asked me to include him for dinner."

"Ouch," said Kelly.

"Yeah, ouch," replied Matt. Their conversation was suddenly interrupted by the sound of the tones going off in the firehouse.

"Ambulance 61...Squad 3...Truck 81...Life Alert Activation...8218 W Summerdale...70 year old male with a cardiac history…"

"8218 West Summerdale...Jesus Christ, that's Maddy's father's address," said Mat, rushing off of the apparatus floor and into the firehouse.

"Chief, that's my father-in-law's address they're headed to. I need to call Maddy to let her know so she can meet us at the hospital. I'd like to stay at Lakeshore to be with Maddy, if it's okay with you. I'm going to do it whether or not you approve, but I need to follow protocol. Hermann can fill in while I'm gone."

"No problem," said the Chief. "I'll keep him in my prayers and please give Maddy my love."

"Will do. Thanks, Chief," he said. He turned around and ran back onto the apparatus floor to the passenger side door of Truck 81. He stepped into his bunker pants and put on the rest of his gear. He climbed up into the seat and shut the door as Kidd started to drive the rig out of the firehouse. His heart was beating a mile a minute. He needed to call Maddy and tell her what was going on, but he couldn't bring himself to do it until he had calmed down. He didn't want her hearing fear in his voice.

"The way he's looking at me, it's almost like he knows who I am," said Jace, taking Wyatt from my arms. The loving look on his face as he gazed down at his son filled my heart. He had suffered an inordinate amount of heartache in his life and he deserved to feel happy.

"He does know who you are, Jackson. You tell him every day that you're his Papa. I'm just the lady who sticks her boobs in his mouth twelve times a day," I said, pulling the front of my t-shirt down.

"He knows you're his beautiful, loving Momma, Cook," he said.

"Beautiful? I look like a homeless bag lady with my milk-stained t-shirt, leggings, big fuzzy socks and my hair pulled into a messy lopsided ponytail."

"You're my definition of beautiful no matter how you look, baby. You always have been since the moment I laid my eyes on you for the very first time," he said. I caressed his cheek with my fingers, remembering how his love made me feel beautiful when we first met. He took my hand, brought it to his mouth and kissed the palm of it. I fought back tears and the urge to tell him right then and there that he was the man I wanted to be with. I told myself that I was only feeling weepy and melancholy because my hormones still had their post-partum party hats on. Before I could say anything, my cell phone rang. I picked it up off the coffee table to see that it was Matt. It was unusual for him to call without having texted me first.

"Hi, Matt...what's up? You didn't change your mind about dinner, did you?"

"Hi, baby...no, I didn't, but please listen very carefully to me. Ambo 61 has been called to your Dad's house from his Life Alert for a possible cardiac event. Truck 81 and Squad 3 are on their way too, but I wanted to let you know now so you could meet us at Lakeshore ER."

"Oh my God...Jesus...do you know anything more yet? How is he? Is he conscious?" I said, my voice shaking uncontrollably.

"No baby, I don't know anything yet. We're almost there and I'll let you know as soon as I find out anything. I know you're probably scared as hell right now, so do you think you're okay to drive?"

"No, but Jace is still here. He can drive me. I'll text Em and have her stay with Finn. They're at the park. We'll have to pack the baby up to go with us, but we'll manage. We'll be there as soon as we can."

"Ok, baby...please be careful. I'll call when I know more," he said, before hanging up. I immediately texted Em to let her know what was going on. My hands were shaking so badly, I could barely type the words.

"What's happened, Cook? You're shaking like a leaf and look scared out of your mind."

"That was Matt. My father's Life Alert summoned the firehouse to dispatch Ambo 61. He may have had another heart attack. They aren't there yet, so they don't have any details. Em is going to stay here with Finn, but can you help me get Wyatt packed up and into the car?"

"Sure, baby...I'd do anything for you and you know that."

"I do. Thank you, cowboy."

I rushed through the ER doors and scanned the waiting room until I saw Matt. He saw me at the same time and walked quickly towards me.

"Matt! Thank God! What's going on? Can I see him?"

"Not yet, baby. They're still trying to get him stable." Matt guided me towards the bank of chairs in the waiting room.

"He came to visit me and the boys the other day. I knew there was something off. He looked so tired. He tried to pass it off as nothing as usual, but I knew...I just knew. I should have insisted he go to the doctor right then and there," I said, with soft tears rolling down my cheeks.

"Maddy, you know as well as I do that he would have refused to do that. He would have said he didn't need to go to the doctor and that you were being overprotective," said Matt, who was sitting beside me. He picked up my hand and held it in his.

"What is taking so goddamn long?" I said, beginning to feel impatient for being made to wait outside the triage room.

"He had a major heart attack, Maddy. It's going to take some time."

"I know...and this is his third one, Matt. How much more can he take?"

"He's a tough old sonofabitch, baby. Have faith."

"I do have faith. I've always had faith, but look where it got me." I said, referring to the mess our lives were in.

"Where's Walker? I thought he drove you."

"He did. He dropped me off at the entrance to the ER, then went to park the car. He should be here as soon as he figures out how to get the car seat unbuckled." Matt chuckled softly before taking me in his arms.

"How's Wyatt doing?" His question took me by surprise.

"He's fine. Growing like a weed and eating like an elephant. I can barely keep up."

"I'm glad to hear it. He's a beautiful baby."

"Thank you for saying that, Matt. I know it's not easy for you." The soft sadness of his smile tugged at my heart. "Jesus, what am I going to do if I lose my Dad, Matt?" I leaned my head against his chest, letting more tears escape.

"Shhhhh...don't think that way, Maddy." He kissed the top of my head and stroked my hair. The automatic doors to the ER opened with a loud swoosh. I lifted my head to see Jace walking in with Wyatt in tow.

"How's he doing?" he asked, sounding out of breath.

"He had a heart attack, but we don't know anything more. They're trying to get him stabilized," I replied. Jace sat down in the chair on the other side of me and propped Wyatt's car seat on the chair next to his. Luckily, he was still sound asleep. I covered my face with my hands and placed my elbows on my knees. I could feel Matt's hand on my back, gently rubbing it up and down in an effort to soothe me. It usually did the trick, but not this time. I jumped up from my seat and walked over to the glass wall that looked out on the parking lot. I leaned my head against the glass and closed my eyes, silently praying. I opened my eyes when I heard someone calling my name.

"Madeleine Casey?"

"I'm Madeleine Casey," I said as I walked towards him. He was standing in front of Matt and Jace, who were now also standing.

"I'm Dr. Michael Strickland. I'm the lead triage physician here at Lakeshore. I've been examining your father." He was dressed in green scrubs from head to toe. .

"This is my husband, Matt."

"I met your husband when he came in with the ambulance. He was incredibly helpful to us in there. He gave us the first hand information that we needed before you arrived." I gripped Matt's hand in mine and gently squeezed it.

"How is my father doing, Dr. Strickland?"

"We were finally able to get him somewhat stabilized, but he's in critical condition. There is a lot of damage to his heart muscle, Mrs. Casey."

"What's the prognosis?" asked Matt, still holding my hand.

"It's still too early to tell, but given his cardiac history and the trouble we had trying to get him stabilized, I'm not taking that as a good sign."

"Can I see him?" I asked through a flood of tears.

"Of course. Follow me. I'll take you in."

"Would you like to come in, Jackson?" I asked, turning around and looking up at Jace.

"I'm not sure I should, Cook," he said. I detected some hesitancy in his voice.

"Nonsense. You're family, too." I said, extending my hand to him. He nodded and reached for my hand, but Matt slid his arm around my back and guided me behind Dr. Strickland. Jace followed us, carrying the car seat. This was the hospital I had worked at for several years, but it looked completely different to me now. It appeared sterile and foreboding. Even the normally familiar faces in the emergency room were like strangers to me. We followed Dr. Strickland down the long, white corridor that was lined with gurneys and other various medical equipment. He stopped in front of the last room on the left.

"Here we are. You can all go on in," he said, pushing the button that made the glass door slide open. I stepped inside first, with Jace and Matt following behind me. The sight of my father startled me. He was pale and sweaty and his eyes were closed. He had all types of wires hooked up to him that all led to different monitors...one for his heart rate, another one for his blood pressure and one for his rate of respiration. His face was covered by an oxygen mask. The seriousness of his condition hit me like a runaway train. Matt still had a tight grip on my hand as he led me to the side of the gurney. I gazed down at my father, still silently praying. I slid my hand underneath all the wires and cradled the side of his face. I crouched down next to him and began to talk to him.

"I don't know if you can hear me, Daddy...it's Madeleine. I love you so much. Matt and the boys love you, too. You never failed to tell me everyday of my life just how much you loved me. You are the best Dad a girl could ever hope for and an amazing grandfather to Finn and Wyatt. I know you love them both with all of your heart. You taught me everything I know about unconditional love and that's a lesson I will keep with me forever. It's helped me to be a better daughter, mother and wife, in spite of all of my mistakes. Please don't leave us. I want you to be here to watch your grandsons grow up. There's still so much for me to learn from you."

His eyes suddenly fluttered open and he lifted his hand off the gurney. I let go of Matt's hand and gently took my father's hand.

"I'm tired, baby girl. It's time for me to be with your Momma, now." His voice was raspy and weak, but his grip on my hand was tight.

"But I'm not ready to say goodbye yet."

"God is calling me home, baby girl...and you can't argue with the big boss upstairs.

"Matthew is here too, Daddy," I said, stepping aside slightly so he could see him standing beside me. He let go of my hand and reached out to Matt. Matt moved to the side of the gurney and took Dad's hand.

"You're a good man, Matt," said Dad.

"That's because you were my role model while I was growing up. I learned so much from you, Jim. Thank you for letting me love your daughter. Thank you for everything," said Matt, letting a couple of tears fall. Dad smiled and nodded his head.

"Be sure to tell my two beautiful grandsons that I love them both very much."

"Finn is at home with Em, but Wyatt is here with us, Dad. Jackson brought him in so you could see him." I pointed to the opposite side of the gurney where Jace was standing and holding the baby. Dad turned his head to look. He lifted his hand and Jace squatted down so Dad could touch him. He held Wyatt's foot as he made cooing baby noises. A single tear escaped his right eye and rolled down and onto the gurney. He let go of Wyatt's foot and reached for Jace's hand. Jace positioned Wyatt against his chest and took my father's hand in his.

"Come closer," whispered Dad. Jace nodded and leaned his head down near Dad's, holding tight to Dad's hand and he said something that only Jace could hear.

"Yes, sir...thank you," said Jace.

"Come here, baby girl." His voice was becoming weaker. I took Matt's place beside the gurney and held my father's hand again.

"What am I going to do without you? I need you to help me to know what to do, Daddy," I said, choking on my sobs.

"You already know what to do, baby girl. You've known it in your heart all along."

"I love you so much, Daddy."

"I love you too, baby girl." Then he closed his eyes and his hand went limp in mine. His heart monitor flatlined and a soft, high pitched alarm went off.

"Dad? Dad, can you hear me? Daddy!" I leaned my head down on his chest, still holding his hand in mine, while sobs wracked my body. I felt Matt's hand on my back as the doctor and nurses crowded around us. One of the nurses wheeled the crash cart over to the gurney. Dr. Strickland grabbed the paddles as the nurse turned it on to charge.

"Clear!" yelled Dr. Strickland as he placed the paddles on my father and sent a shock through his body. Dad's body lifted up off the gurney and dropped back down. There was no change to the flat line on the monitor, so the doctor shocked him again. Still, the heart monitor stayed flat.

"Call it," said the doctor, wiping his brow.

"Time of death is 15:25," said one of the nurses. I put my hands over my mouth to stop myself from screaming as I watched them begin to unhook all the leads and wires.

"He's gone, baby." Matt's hand slid around to my waist and helped me to a standing position. He turned me around to face him and pulled me into an embrace.

"Oh, Matt," I sobbed as I put my arms around his neck and held on tight. His arms encircled my waist and pulled me in close to him. He stroked my hair and pressed his lips to my ear.

"I'm so sorry, baby. I'm here...I'm right here," he whispered. The sound of his voice filled me with comfort and his arms around me made me feel safe and protected.

"What am I going to do without him, Matt?" I cried.

"You'll put one foot in front of the other and get on with your life, Maddy. It's what he would want you to do."

"I know, but I'm not sure I can do that. Everything is all messed up. I've never felt more alone in my life."

"I felt the same way when my father died and my mother went to prison. I felt alone and scared, but I'll be here for you, Maddy...I promise. I know I've failed you in so many other ways, but I swear to God that I won't let you feel alone in this."

Jace walked around the gurney and stood next to us. Wyatt had fallen asleep on his chest. "I'll be out in the waiting room," he said, laying a hand on my shoulder. I touched his hand with mine and nodded. "We'll be out soon. I'm sure he'll be waking up to eat any minute." Jace leaned forward and kissed my forehead before leaving the room. I turned my attention back to my father.

"I don't want to leave him, Matt. There's still so much I want to say to him."

"I know, baby. I'll leave you alone with him, if you want. I'm sure they'll give you some time with him." One of the nurses looked over at us and nodded her head.

"Take all the time you need, Mrs. Casey," she said.

"Have one of the nurses come and get me when you're ready, Maddy." I let go of Matt's hand and walked over to the gurney. The nurse brought over a stool for me to sit on, then left the room. There, in the quiet stillness, I took my father's hand one last time and poured my heart out to him.