CHAPTER 9

Jace and I drove home in silence. Wyatt was sleeping peacefully in his car seat in the back seat. I nursed him before we left the hospital to keep him on schedule. I kept dozing off in the front seat, waking only when Jace would hit a bump and my head bounced off the window.

"We're home, baby," said Jace, rousing me from my sleep. "I'll take care of Wyatt. Why don't you draw yourself a bubble bath," said Jace.

"That sounds good. What time is it?," I said weakly. My voice was rough from crying.

"It's just after six," said Jace. I stepped out of the car and headed up the front steps. My body felt as heavy as a lead weight. Jace carried the car seat into the house, with me following behind him. As soon as we were in the entry hall, Finn came running towards us at full throttle.

"Slow down there, pardner," said Jace. He set the car seat on the couch and scooped Finn up in his arms. "Your Momma's tired, buddy. She's going to take a bath, then she'll be ready to tuck you into bed, okay?" Finn stuck his fingers in his mouth and nodded his head. His eyes were wide with uncertainty. Just as I started to walk upstairs, Em came out of the dining room. Her eyes were all red. She started to cry as she reached out for me.

"Oh, Mads...I'm so sorry, babes," she said, hugging me tightly.

"Thanks," was all I could manage to say. "I don't want Finn to see us crying, Em. I need a little time to myself before I can explain everything, okay?"

"Okay. I understand. He's had his dinner and a bath, so he's all ready for bed."

"Thank you, Em. I don't know what I would do without you."

"Do you want me to stay to make you something to eat?"

"No, I think Jace can take it from here, but thanks for the offer. You've done more than enough today. Besides, I'm not really hungry." We hugged again, then she said goodbye to Finn, kissed Wyatt on his head, grabbed her keys from the entry hall table and headed for the front door.

"Good night, Walker," she said, turning around.

"Good night, Morrison," replied Jace. If nothing else, it was a start.

"Did you have anything to do with that?" asked Jace as he unbuckled Wyatt and picked him up out of his car seat.

"I had a little talk with her not too long ago. I told her that I didn't like the way she was treating you. She's trainable that way," I said, smirking at him. "By the way, she told me that Finn has been fed and bathed, so there's nothing more you have to do but tend to the baby until I get out of the tub."

"Go on, Cook. I've got this," he said.

I dragged my body up the stairs, feeling the grief draining what was left of my energy. I walked through the bedroom and into the master bath. I turned the water on in the tub and added some bubble bath. As the tub filled, I brushed my hair and washed my face. Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror reminded me that my father was gone. The overwhelming look of sadness on my face said it all. A few tears rolled down my cheeks as I stared at my reflection. There was so much to do now that Dad was gone...arranging for his funeral, meeting with his attorney about his will, cleaning out his house. It was all too much to think about.

I took my clothes off and left them on the floor. I pinned my hair up, then stepped into the tub full of luxurious jasmine scented bubbles. The water felt warm and soothing as I gradually slipped into it. It enveloped me like a cozy blanket. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the bath pillow, trying to push the memory of the day out of my head for just a few peaceful minutes. This was the first bath I had taken in three or four months. The last one was well before Wyatt was born. I remembered how Matt used to love to wash my swollen tummy when I was pregnant with Finn. He would lovingly help me out of the bath and help me dry off. It was a much simpler time, before paternity tests and psychiatrists and infidelity...and death. As the stress slowly began to drain from my body, I could hear my cell phone ringing. I sat up and leaned over the side of the tub and picked up my sweat pants. I pulled the phone out from the left front pocket and saw that it was Matt calling.

"Hey," I said, as I eased back down into the bath water.

"Hey, baby...just checking on you. How're you doing?"

"I'm about as well as can be expected, I guess. I finally stopped crying. Now, I just feel numb."

"I'm sorry I'm not there with you like we planned, but that warehouse fire had other plans for me. Maybe we can do it another night."

"Yeah, sure. I'll have to let you know. There's so much I have to do over the next few days."

"I'll help you with all of that. I'll be off shift for the next forty-eight hours as of tomorrow morning, so we can do it together."

"Thanks, Matt. I'd really appreciate that."

"Anything for you, Maddy. Did you eat something?"

"Em offered to make something for me, but I told her I wasn't hungry."

"Maddy…" he said, mildly scolding me.

"Jackson is still here. If I want something, he'll get it for me."

"OK. Did you say anything to Finn yet?"

"No, I wanted to wait until you were here so we could do it together. He's still so young. I'm not sure he'll understand."

"Maybe not, but I'll be right by your side for this."

"Thanks, Matt."

"I've got to go, baby. Gotta report to get out. Try to get some rest, but eat something, will you?"

"I'll try, I promise."

"I'll see you tomorrow. Love you."

"Love you, too," I said before ending the call and throwing my phone on top of my crumpled sweatpants. I leaned my head back against the bath pillow and closed my eyes.

"Hey, Cookie?" I had dozed off and Jace's voice startled me. The bath water had cooled down. I didn't know how long I had been asleep, but by the feel of my body, I needed a lot more of it.

"Yeah?" I answered as I got up from the bath and grabbed a towel. I was drying off my arms when Jace opened the door to the bathroom. I stood there, frozen like a mannequin, unable to move except to cover the front of my body with the towel. He stepped inside with Wyatt in his arms, who was beginning to wail.

"Sorry, Cook...I didn't mean to barge in, but I'm pretty sure he's ready to eat. He's sucking on his fingers like mad." He momentarily averted his eyes away from me and I quickly wrapped the towel around my body. I stepped out of the tub and grabbed my robe from the back of the door.

"Give me a couple of minutes and I'll meet you in the boys' room."

"Okay, Cook," he said, leaning in close to my ear. "And I've seen you naked before, baby." His smirk was obvious as he turned to walk out of the bathroom.

"I know that. I'm just trying to be a little modest," I called back to him.

"Then you should have covered up the mirrors in there. I saw your reflection when you got out of the tub." I could almost see the smirk on his face through the door. I opened the bathroom door to see him standing there, still holding Wyatt and smirking, just like I knew he would be. Finn was sitting quietly on my bed.

"Come on, Finny. It's time for brother to eat and it's past your bedtime, mister." He bounded off the bed and jumped into my arms.

"Momma," he said as he wrapped his little arms around my neck.

"Yep. I'm your Momma," I said, kissing the side of his head. He let go of my neck and pointed at Jace who was walking ahead of us.

"Daddy," he said.

"No, that's not Daddy, you silly goose. That's Jace, remember?"

"Yeah, Jay," he said.

"Where is Daddy?"

"He's working, Finn. You'll see Daddy tomorrow." We had this same conversation at least twice a week. He laid his head down on my shoulder and yawned as we walked the rest of the way to their bedroom. I carried him over to his bed and tucked him in with his favorite blanket and stuffed fire truck.

"Good night, Finny. Sweet dreams, my beautiful boy," I said as I leaned down to kiss him on his forehead. I turned around and sat in the rocking chair at the end of Wyatt's crib. Jace handed Wyatt to me. I opened up my robe and positioned Wyatt to nurse. He immediately latched on and began to eat his last meal for the next five hours. He would be awake again at midnight to nurse and again around six o'clock, giving me two long stretches of sleep that I so desperately needed, especially tonight. When Wyatt was finished nursing, I handed him back to Jace who cradled him in his big arms while he rocked him. I told him I was going downstairs to make myself a cup of tea. He nodded to me, but never broke his gaze from his son's face. The only time I had ever seen Jace this happy was when we were married and living in Texas. I suddenly wished I hadn't remembered that.

I tiptoed out of the bedroom and down the stairs. I grabbed a peppermint tea bag from the pantry, filled a mug with water and put both of them into the microwave. As the next two and a half minutes ticked by, I was tempted to curl up on the kitchen counter. I was so tired I could barely move. I decided to bring my tea to bed and catch up on some sleep. I had a lot to do in the upcoming week and I wanted to be as mentally and physically prepared as possible.

"He's sound asleep and all tucked in, Momma." Jace's deep, booming voice filled the silence of the kitchen.

"What about Finn?"

"Out like a light."

"That's gonna be me in about thirty minutes. I'm exhausted," I said as I took the steaming mug out of the microwave.

"Aren't you hungry , Cook? I could make you something."

"No, the tea is enough. My stomach's in knots anyway. I wouldn't be able to eat even if I wanted to. I'm taking this up to bed." I pushed past him and walked through the dining room and into the entry hall. I stopped at the bottom of the stairs with Jace close behind me.

"OK, baby. I'll say goodnight now. I'll lock up when I leave," he said, grabbing his keys from the entry hall table.

"Jace, would you mind staying tonight? I'll make up the living room couch for you. I feel like I need reinforcements when the baby wakes up during the night. I know it's a lot to ask, but I'm just so tired. Matt would have stayed if it hadn't been for that warehouse fire changing his plans."

"Of course. Anything for you, baby. And I'll make up my own bed. Where are the sheets?"

"Follow me," I said, heading up the stairs. When we reached the landing, I pointed to the linen closet at the end of the short hallway between the bedrooms. Jace opened the doors to the closet and pulled out a set of sheets and an extra blanket. "I'll get you the extra pillows from my bed," I said. I walked into the bedroom with Jace following behind. I piled the pillows on top of the linens in his arms.

"I'll take these downstairs, but do you mind if I make myself a little something to eat? I haven't had anything since breakfast and my stomach is touching my backbone" said Jace.

"Of course you can. Help yourself to whatever is in the kitchen. I'm going to take my tea to bed, maybe read a little, then it's night night time for me. It's been one hell of a day," I said, letting a few tears fall. Jace cupped my chin and lifted my face up towards his.

"Sweet dreams, baby," he said, as he kissed me on the forehead. I watched him walk back downstairs, feeling thankful that he was in my life again in spite of the upheaval it had caused for me and Matt.

"Cook?" The sound of Jace's voice and the light tapping on my bedroom door woke me up out of a sound sleep. I didn't remember falling asleep, but my body was stiff from lying in the same position for what felt like several hours. I sat up in bed and grabbed the clock from the night stand. It was just after midnight.

"Come in," I said. The bedroom door slowly opened to reveal Jace with Wyatt in his arms. He was shirtless and was wearing a pair of silky black underwear. I was immediately struck by how fit he looked compared to the last time I had seen him in Texas almost eight months ago. The sight of his prosthetic leg still startled me at times. It was a sad reminder of what he had been through and everything he had lost.

"I think it's time for him to eat," he said as he approached the side of the bed. "His diaper has been changed," he said as he handed me the baby.

"Was he crying?" I asked, as I lowered the strap of my nightgown and latched him onto my right breast.

"Yeah, he was wailing up a storm!"

"I never heard him. That's scary," I said, reaching for the baby monitor on the nightstand. "I must have fallen asleep before I turned this on."

"You were pretty tired, baby," he replied.

"Thank God you heard him."

"I sleep pretty light these days. I have ever since I was in Iraq. Some nights, I think I can hear a pin drop from a mile away." He smiled softly, then turned around to leave.

" I thought you loved to watch him eat, Papa?" I asked.

"I do, baby," he said, turning back around. "But his crying woke Finn up and I promised him I'd be back to tell him a story. I won't be long." I watched him as he disappeared out the door, then turned my attention back to the baby at my breast.

"Your Papa is a good man," I said, gazing down at the baby at my breast. With each passing day, he seemed to look more and more like Jace. His hair was coming in thicker and was dark and wavy, just like Jace's. His eyes were bright blue, too, and I hope they stayed that color. As Wyatt nursed, my stomach began to rumble, sending me the message that I was hungry. I grabbed the mug from the nightstand and downed the rest of the peppermint tea. I switched him to the other breast just as Jace returned to the bedroom.

"That did the trick. He's sound asleep again," he said as he sat at the foot of the bed.

"Thank you for taking care of him like that. I don't know what I would have done without you today." My thoughts went immediately back to my father, suddenly remembering that he was no longer with us. The few hours of sleep had lulled me into a feeling of calm, but being awake again brought it all back to the surface.

"I'm sorry I'm such a mess," I said,wiping my cheeks and looking at him sitting so calmly at the end of the bed. He was so strong and sure of himself compared to the man he was last October.

"Your Daddy just died, baby You're allowed to be a mess," he said. "Besides, you've got me here to help you. You helped me through a very difficult time. It's the least I can do for you."

"Thank you, cowboy," I said. I was grateful to have this remarkable man in my life again. I couldn't deny it even if I wanted to for Matt's sake. I threw back the covers and started to get out of bed.

"Where are you going, Cook?"

"My stomach is grumbling, so I thought I would make myself an English muffin and some more tea. Why?"

"You just get your little hind end back in that bed. I'll get it for you," he said, getting up from the bed and grabbing the empty mug from the nightstand. As he looked down at me, he seemed much bigger than he used to be. Maybe it was just my diminished state that made him appear that way. His arms seemed enormous and his bare back looked like a topographic map. His hair was past his shoulders now, but he kept his beard neatly trimmed. Most importantly, a smile had replaced his scowl and furrowed brow that he had when I saw him in Texas. As I watched him walk out of the bedroom, I could hear my father's words…"Sometimes, the mind needs more time to accept what your heart already knows…"