CHAPTER 10
He could watch her sleep every night of his life. She was always beautiful to his eyes, but when she slept, she let go of all of the things that were causing her doubt or worry or grief. Her face was calm and unblemished by the stark reality of her father's death. She appeared as though she didn't have a worry in the world once she closed her eyes and drifted off into a peaceful slumber. He wished to God that she could look that way when she was awake, but he knew that his coming back to Chicago to claim his son would never allow that to happen. He hated to be part of the stress she was feeling, but he had to know for certain if the baby was his. Furthermore, the knowledge that her husband had fathered a child with his ex also weighed heavily on her mind. He wanted nothing more than to be able to take all of her pain away. He wanted to give her the happy, carefree life she wanted. Most of all, he wanted to give her the love she deserved.
He wanted to tell her what her father had said to him while he lay dying in the emergency room, but he knew that would only serve to upset her even more. Madeleine had to figure things out for herself. No one else could do it for her. She seemed genuinely happy that he had come back to Chicago and had decided to stay, at least on a temporary basis. Being in his son's life was of the utmost importance to him and he knew Madeleine would do everything she could to make sure that happened. She still loved him, too. She had told him that several times while she was in Texas with him last year. She told him again when he showed up at the hospital after delivering Wyatt. He also knew that she still loved her husband. Even if Madeleine decides she wants to divorce Matt and be with him, Matt would always have a presence in her life because of Finn. If only he had listened to her all those years ago, when she asked him not to take a second tour of Iraq. She was pregnant with Harper and begged him to stay with her, but he felt a duty to go back and fight for his country and the freedom of so many others. He promised that he would be back long before their daughter was born, but the Iraqi soldiers had other plans for him. If he had stayed home and left the reserves, his life would have been exactly what he longed for now. He desperately wanted to live in Texas with her, Harper and Wyatt, the way his life should have been.
He had brought her an English muffin and tea almost two hours ago. She had fallen asleep shortly after she ate while talking to him. He knew how exhausted she was by the slow, hushed way she was speaking to him. His instinct told him to get up from her bed and go back downstairs to the couch, but he couldn't break away from her. Instead of taking the dishes down to the kitchen, he put them on the nightstand and huddled down next to her. He could smell her jasmine scented skin up close to his. He longed to reach out and stroke her hair, to place his hands on her neck and pull her in for a slow, deep kiss and to make love to her again, but he knew that none of those things would ever be possible, at least right now. There was too much going on in Madeleine's life to focus solely on him and what he wanted.
She suddenly shifted her body and snuggled in close to him. She lay in the crook of his shoulder with her body pressed up against his and her left arm across his bare torso. She let her hand gently caress the body hair on his chest and stomach. She began to place soft, sleepy kisses on the upper right side of his chest, near the tattoo of the nickname he had given her. He got that tattoo as her wedding present. His body immediately responded to her touch. That all too familiar ache surged through him like a bolt of lightning. He wanted her so much, his body hurt. He loved her so intensely that his heart was pounding out of his chest, just like it had when they first met. She was another man's wife and making love to her again was out of the question. They had had their one time together and it was beautiful. It had also produced a son. Neither of them regretted it, but this time, he knew he had to put a stop to it before he was no longer able to hold himself back from her.
"Mmmmmmmmm," she said in a hushed whisper. "I love you so much." Her kisses became stronger against his skin and her tongue lashed relentlessly at his left nipple. His body lifted off the bed as she moved it around the delicate flesh.
"I've missed you," she said, breathlessly. Her hand grazed down his torso until it landed on the waistband of his underwear. Her fingers lightly caressed the raging erection underneath the soft, silky material, making him even harder than he already was. It was both tortuous and achingly sensual.
"It's been such a long time. Make love to me...please." His big hand grasped hers and pulled it away from his body, as a few tormented tears escaped down his face.
"Madeleine...baby, I think you're dreaming, Wake up," he said, trying to stop himself from shaking. He needed to regain control of his body before he did something that he knew he shouldn't.
"Don't you know that it's you that I want? It's always been you," she said. Her eyes never opened as she rubbed her knee against his erection.
"Madeleine, wake up...please, baby!" he urged louder this time and pulled her hand away from him with more force. Her eyes fluttered open and she lifted her head and looked around frantically, trying to get her bearings. When she realized where she was, she sat bolt upright in bed. Her breathing was labored. She wiped her face with her hands and smoothed her hair back behind her ears. She swung her feet around and got up from the bed. She was visibly shaken and was trembling, almost as much as she was the night he took her virginity. The memory of that night was still strong in his mind. He stared at her without saying a word, letting his eyes wander over her and noticing how her thin satin nightie clung to her every curve. He pulled the bed covers up to his waist and damned his body for betraying him.
"I'm...I'm sorry," she said, her voice shaking.
"Are you alright, Cook?"
"Yeah, I'm alright," she replied. She turned around and walked into the bathroom and turned on the light. She went to the sink and splashed some cool water on her cheeks, neck and shoulders, trying to cool the fire that was burning inside her. She looked at her reflection before turning out the light.
You weren't dreaming...were you, Maddy? She hadn't heard from her inner voice in quite a while. She wasn't too surprised that she showed up in this situation.
"No," she said, still staring at herself. What she felt for Jace seemed to get stronger every day he was here and it scared her. Their love had always been intense with an urgent kind of passion, which was in stark contrast to the kind of love that she and Matt shared. Their love was comfortable and warm, with a sweet affection that had lingered since high school. Their sex was beautiful, too. She dried off her face, turned out the light and walked back into the bedroom. Jace was standing on the opposite side of the bed. He was visibly shaken. He picked up the dishes on the nightstand and walked around the end of the bed.
"I'm gonna try to get some sleep before the baby wakes up again," he said, while his eyes were burning a hole through her nightie. She crossed her arms across the front of her and nodded. As he reached the door, she spoke.
"Jace?" she said, taking a step towards him.
"Yeah?" he said, turning around. She paused for a moment, trying to think of just the right thing to say to him. She wanted to tell him the one thing that she knew she couldn't.
"Good night and thank you." It was all she could manage to say.
"No thanks necessary. Good night, baby," he said. His body was still aching for her when he turned and pulled the door closed behind him. He leaned his body against the door and closed his eyes, trying to forget the way her hands and lips felt against his skin. But it was useless. If he hadn't been able to forget them for the last sixteen years, he never would.
He hardly slept after he went back down stairs. He couldn't get her or the things she had said and done while dreaming out of his head.
Now, he stood silently behind her, watching her make breakfast. She had been up for about an hour and hadn't said anything more to him than "Good Morning" and to ask him if he wanted coffee. They never had trouble talking to each other, not even when they first met. Their conversation always flowed naturally between them, but there was an awkward silence in the air around them now. He knew he wasn't just imagining it. She was purposely not making eye contact with him either. Maybe she was embarrassed by what had happened last night. That would make the most sense, but there was an underlying sense of fear or uncertainty in her. He couldn't tell which it was, but he knew it was there nonetheless.
She was singing softly as she prepped breakfast, wearing a pair of pink and purple leggings and a pink t-shirt that was vaguely reminiscent of the Harley Davidson t-shirt he had given to her on their first official date. He could still remember how she looked in it. Her hair was pulled up into a messy loose bun and she didn't have any makeup on. He still thought that she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He walked up behind her and could smell the jasmine scented lotion that she favored. It reminded him of when they first fell in love. Wyatt was in his infant seat on the breakfast bar just to her left. Every so often, she would turn around and sing to him. The song was "Baby Love" by the Supremes and it made Wyatt coo and bounce in his little seat. The last time she turned around, she was startled to see him there.
"Jesus, I didn't know you were standing there!"
"Sorry, baby...I was just watching and listening. Can I help?" he asked, trying to push the memories from last night from his head for the time being.
"I think I've got it covered, but thanks," she said. He started to head back into the dining room when she spoke again. "Wait...you know what you could do?
"What's that, Cook?"
"Could you get Finn up? He was still sound asleep when I went in to get Wyatt a little while ago. Matt will be here soon and after we eat, we're going over to my father's house to...to...get things packed up and get some business taken care of," she said, her eyes welling up.
"Would you mind if I went with you? I could help with the kids so you and Matt can get things done."
"Of course you can. I was expecting you to join us anyway. He was your father-in-law once, too," she said. Her soft smile reassured him.
"Thank you, baby," he said, taking her hand in his. "Are you sure you're alright? Tell me the truth because I'll know if you're not."
"I'm okay, but I guess I feel a little guilty for singing. It's almost as if I momentarily forgot that my father died yesterday," she said, wiping her face with the back of her free hand.
"You're allowed to sing to our son, Madeleine. It's not a sin to give a little joy to him and yourself, even when you're grieving." She suddenly wrapped her arms around his waist and leaned her head against his chest.
"Thank you, cowboy," she whispered. He could feel himself responding to the sensation of her body against his, so he quickly kissed the top of her head and pulled away from her.
"I'll go get Finn now."
She watched him as he walked from the kitchen and through the dining room and living room until he disappeared around the corner as he headed up the stairs. She thought about last night and the things she had said to him, convincing herself that she had been dreaming, just like Jace thought she was. That was the only explanation she would accept. She decided not to give it another thought and turned her attention back to cooking breakfast. She grabbed three eggs and the carton of milk from the refrigerator and finished mixing up the pancake batter. She took the large frying pan and griddle out of the one of the lower cupboards and got them ready for the pancakes and sausage she was about ready to make.
"It's too bad you can only have breastmilk, my beautiful little Wyatt, because your Momma makes the best pancakes in the world," she said, tugging on one of his little feet.
"She sure does," said a familiar voice. She whipped her head around to see Matt standing in the kitchen. He had let himself in the back door.
"Oh God, Matthew! I didn't hear you come in! That's twice that I've had the crap scared out of me this morning!" she said, putting her hand on her chest.
"I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to startle you," he said, tossing his keys on the counter and walking towards her. "How are you doing?" He put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her in against his chest. She wrapped her arms around his waist and laid her head against his chest, just like she had done with Jace a few minutes ago.
"I'm okay, Matt."
"Where's Finn? I thought he'd be climbing all over you by now, trying to dip his fingers in the pancake batter." He let go of her and took a mug down from the cupboard and poured himself a cup of coffee.
"He's still asleep. Jace is getting him now. We sort of had a rough night."
"Walker is here? He must have gotten here at the crack of dawn."
"I asked him to stay last night. I was so exhausted by the time we got home that I felt that I would need some help with both Wyatt and Finn. That's not a problem, is it ? I would have asked you to stay if you hadn't been unexpectedly called back to work."
"No...no, it's not a problem," he said, taking a sip from his coffee. The look on his face didn't fully convince her that he didn't think it was an issue, but she decided to let it go. She didn't have the energy and she definitely wasn't in the right state of mind to argue about it.
"Daddy!" squealed Finn, as he suddenly came bounding out into the kitchen. Matt put his coffee down just in time to pick the toddler up in his arms.
"Hey there, big guy," said Matt, giving him a kiss on the side of his head. "How's my best buddy?"
"Good. I miss you, Daddy," he said, laying his head down on Matt's chest and putting his arms around his neck.
"I miss you too, buddy," said Matt, looking directly at Maddy.
"Do I have time to jump in the shower before breakfast is ready?" said Jace as he suddenly appeared in the kitchen. He seemed surprised to see Matt standing there.
"Yeah, go ahead. There are clean towels in the linen closet where I got the sheets for your bed last night."
"OK, I won't be long," he said, starting to back out of the kitchen.
"Wait a minute," said Matt, shifting Finn to his left hip. Jace stopped in his tracks as Matt approached him. Maddy held her breath. Neither of them were sure what Matt had to say.
"I want to thank you for being there for Maddy and the boys last night. I know she appreciates it, but so do I. I thought you should know that," he said, extending his free hand to him. Jace put his hand in his and shook it firmly.
"It was my pleasure," said Jace. He nodded his head, then excused himself to get ready for the day. Matt instructed Finn to go into the living room and play with his firetrucks until breakfast was ready.
"He's eating breakfast with us?" asked Matt, trying to sound casual.
"It's the least I could do for helping me last night," she said, without looking at him. She already didn't like where this line of questioning was going.
"Will he be coming with us to your father's house, too?"
"Yes, Matt," she said, slamming down the spatula and turning around to look at him. "Dad was his family too, you know. It's only right. Are you going to tell me that you have a problem with that, as well?"
"No, Maddy. Jesus, you're defensive for this early in the morning," said Matt as he refilled his coffee mug. She could feel herself becoming emotional at his flip remark. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she flipped the pancakes. She grabbed a napkin from the holder on the counter and wiped her eyes. Matt saw her and immediately put down his coffee and walked up behind her.
"Look at me, Maddy," he said, putting his hands on her shoulders and coaxing her to turn around. She kept her eyes downcast, not wanting to make eye contact with him. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Seeing Walker here put me on the defensive and I had no right to say that to you. I momentarily forgot what you've been going through. Forgive me?"
"That was a really shitty thing for you to say, Matthew."
"I know it was. Look at me, please," he urged. He put his fingers under her chin and lifted her face up. He brushed a couple of stray tears off of her cheeks with his fingers.
"Please say you forgive me," he said softly. She felt her anger rise in spite of his soft spoken plea.
"It's not that simple, Matthew! Besides, it seems to me that there are several things that I'm supposed to forgive you for these days." she said, swiftly turning back around.
"Christ, I just keep fucking things up, don't I? I don't even get points for being honest," he said. She ignored his self-serving remark. She knew deep down that she hadn't scored any points for being honest even though Matt was acting as though everything was fine. She knew otherwise, but she chose to concentrate solely on finishing breakfast. The last thing she wanted was to get embroiled in a fight with him. They had a long day ahead of them and they had to work together to get through it. She put the pancakes and sausages on a large platter, then lifted the infant seat off the counter.
"I'll get these," said Matt, picking up the platter of food. He followed Maddy into the dining room and set the platter in the middle of the table. "Do you need anything else from the kitchen?" he asked.
"Syrup, butter, orange juice and a glass of chocolate milk for Finn," she said, still without looking at him. She put the infant carrier on the dining room table, then arranged the plates, napkins and silverware at four of the six chairs that surrounded it.
"Can I help?" said Jace, as he rounded the corner of the entry hall and in through the living room. He was wearing a pair of heavy gauge denim pants and a tank t-shirt. Maddy had to consciously pull her eyes away from his incredibly chiseled shoulders and arms.
"Nope! Just grab yourself some more coffee and take a seat. It's all ready," she said, taking in a deep breath and trying to slow her breathing. Jace noticed that her eyes looked as though she had been crying in spite of the smile on her face. He wanted to take her in her arms, hold her close and tell her that he could take her pain away and make everything alright. He suspected that she already knew that. She was just afraid to admit it to herself. They ate in relative silence with the exception of an occasional outburst from Finn, asking for another pancake or more chocolate milk. Just as Maddy began to clear the table, Wyatt started to cry, signaling her that it was time for him to eat.
"I'll finish cleaning up while you tend to the baby," said Jace, standing up from the table. She scooped Wyatt up in her arms and took him into the living room. She sat cross legged on the couch and placed one of the small pillows on her lap. She positioned the baby on top of the pillow, with his belly to hers, and he immediately latched on. She leaned her head back against the couch and closed her eyes. She silently thanked God that for the next thirty minutes, she could let go of all the stress and grief and focus solely on the beautiful little baby who was happily suckling at her breast.
"Come on, my big boy. Let's go get cleaned up and dressed," said Matt, picking Finn up from his booster seat. As they walked through the living room, Matt stopped in front of the couch.
"Wyatt eat too," said Finn.
"Yep, Wyatt is eating his breakfast just like you ate yours," said Matt.
"I wanna kiss him," said Finn. Matt looked at Maddy, who nodded her head that it was alright. He held the toddler close to the baby and Finn kissed him on his head. He lifted him back up and headed for the stairs when Maddy touched Matt's arm.
"Thank you," she said, softly. He smiled at her and leaned down to kiss the top of her head. The smell of her hair and jasmine scented skin reminded him of happier days when he was home and he would wake up to her laying on his chest. She favored making love in the early morning when her energy was high and Finn was still asleep. He missed those mornings and every day he was away from his family. It was his fault as much as it was Maddy's that they weren't together right now. He couldn't overlook the big man in the kitchen and the part he played in this, either. As he walked up the stairs carrying his son, he wished to God that Jackson Walker had never existed just as much as Maddy wished Gabby Dawson hadn't existed.
As Maddy switched the baby to her other breast, Jace came out of the kitchen and through the dining room. He took a seat beside her on the couch.
"Kitchen's all cleaned, baby," he said.
"Thank you for all your help, cowboy. I don't know what I would do without you," she said, leaning her head on his shoulder. He took her hand and brought it up to his mouth. He placed a soft kiss on the back of it. The one tacit thought running through his mind was that neither of them would ever have to know what it was like to be without each other ever again. As he gazed at her nursing their infant son, he felt as though they were that much closer to achieving that. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but it was worth holding on to, at least for now. They would always be in each other's lives, but he wanted more. He wanted her to be with him every day for the rest of his life.
"Your turn, Papa," said Maddy, as she took the baby off her breast and handed him to Jace. Jace placed him on his shoulder and gently patted his back until he emitted a large burp, making both of them laugh.
"It's good to hear you laugh, Cook," he said. She smiled softly and touched his cheek with her hand before getting up from the couch.
"I guess I'll go get ready for this horrible day ahead," she said. "Can you get Wyatt ready while I get dressed and make myself beautiful?"
"Yeah, I'll take care of him, don't worry...and you're already beautiful, baby."
She leaned down and placed her lips softly on his, kissing him gently. Her hands cupped his face as she deepened the kiss slightly, making his body respond instantly, until she abruptly pulled away from him. She said nothing as she turned and walked upstairs. His heart was beating wildly and his breathing was slightly ragged. Jace looked down at the baby in his arms.
"I think your Momma is trying to tell me something. At least I hope she is," he said.