CHAPTER 12

"I was so sorry to hear about your father, Maddy. He was a good man. He always wanted the best for you when you were hospitalized when you came back from Texas," said Dr. Jenkins. Maddy had to reschedule her and Jace's appointment in order to clean out her father's house and get things packed up. It had been a difficult few days for her, but she didn't want to use that as an excuse to miss any of her sessions. They were too important.

"Thank you. His heart just wasn't strong enough to handle a third attack. It was very quick and he didn't suffer, which I am thankful for," she said, dabbing at her eyes with the back of her hand until Jace gave her a tissue from the box on Dr. Jenkins' desk.

"When is the wake? I'd like to be there," said the psychiatrist as he pulled out his phone.

"It's this Saturday at Lakeview Funeral Home on West Belmont. Do you know it?"

"That's near Wrigley Field, isn't it?"

"Yeah, my Dad loved his Cubs, so it was fitting that he chose that funeral home. Plus it's near the neighborhood I grew up in. There'll be afternoon and evening calling hours. It should be listed in the papers tomorrow."

"I'll be sure to look for it. Now, are you sure you're up to this appointment, Maddy? We could always reschedule. It wouldn't be…"

"No, it's not necessary," she said, interrupting him. "Besides, Jace has to get back to Texas soon to take care of some business. I didn't want to postpone it because of that." She looked over at Jace, who was sitting next to her. He was burping Wyatt, who looked so small in his big hands. She hated the thought of him going back to Texas, mainly because she knew Matt would be relentlessly hounding her to let him move back home in spite of her explanation as to why it wasn't possible.

"OK," said Dr. Jenkins. "Tell me how things have been going between the two of you."

"We're great, doc," said Jace as he laid a sleeping Wyatt in his car seat. "Madeleine and I have always had a great relationship. Nothing will ever change that."

"Not even the fact that she has a husband?"

"That's irrelevant...at least for right now," said Jace, laying his hands in his lap.

"It's not irrelevant, Jackson...even though you'd like it to be. Matt and I are married and share a son. That's pretty relevant," said Maddy.

"You and I share a son, too, and a daughter. I'm just as relevant in your life as he is."

"You're not my husband," said Maddy, flatly. Jace hung his head, letting his long hair fall down around his face as he looked at his lap.

"And that's a wound that will never heal, baby," he said, lifting his head and looking at her. His bright blue eyes were rimmed with red. "Especially since I'm the better man for you."

"What makes you say that?" Dr. Jenkins interjected.

"A lot of reasons."

"Like what?" asked the doctor.

"For one, I never fucked around on Madeleine. Not even in all the years we were apart. I never laid my hands on another woman."

"But admittedly, you were pretty sick for many years after you were found and spent six or seven years in different hospitals and rehabilitation facilities. Am I right?" asked Dr. Jenkins.

"True, but my main focus was on getting better so I could come back to her and our baby. It's what kept me going. I wasn't interested in other women. I'm still not."

"Yes, you've made that abundantly clear," said Dr. Jenkins. "Tell me another reason why you think you're the better man for Maddy."

"Because I can give her the life she wants...the life she deserves."

"Explain that."

"She wants to quit her job and be a full time mother. Now that she and Casey are separated, that may not happen."

"And what if they get back together?"

"That remains to be seen, doesn't it?"

"It does, but so does Madeleine coming back to you...doesn't it?" said Dr. Jenkins.

"I guess we'll see who wins in the long run, won't we?" said Jace, his voice taking on an irritated, sarcastic tone.

"Maddy, what do you make of all of this?"

"What I've been making of it all along...that I'd rather be alone with my children, away from the drama and whatever this bullshit contest is that Jace and Matt have made up in their heads," she said.

"You can't mean that, Cook," said Jace.

"I most certainly do mean it," she replied.

"But you'd have to go back to work and that's not what you wanted."

"I didn't want any of this, Jackson! All my plans...my life the way it was...everything...just unraveled in front of me when you showed up at the hospital after Wyatt was born."

"I had to know if Wyatt was mine, Madeleine. I had that right."

"And I didn't deny you that right, but it sent my entire world spinning off in another direction!"

"When I was laying in that hospital in Houston, I heard everything you said to me. You told me that you loved me more than you love him. You told me you wanted me to live to see our baby born! I heard you, goddammit!"

"That changes nothing, Jackson! It only complicates it more! Don't you see that?"

"And don't you see that by being with me, sharing your life with me, is exactly what you need, baby?"

"I think it's exactly what you need, Jackson." Her anger was rising along with his now. Jace wanted nothing more than for her to drop her life with Chicago and run back to Texas with him, even though he knew that wasn't going to happen. Matt wanted to move back home and pretend like everything was the same before they found out that Jackson was Wyatt's father and that wasn't going to happen either. Her life was officially in limbo and she felt like a pawn between the two players of this game.

"OK, this isn't getting either of you anywhere," interjected Dr. Jenkins. "What is it you want out of all of this, Jackson?"

"A presence in my son's life. Nothing more," he replied.

"Yeah, right," said Maddy.

"What's that supposed to mean, Cook? You don't believe that?"

"It means that you already have a presence in your son's life, yet it's not enough. You're hoping for more. Admit it."

"I've already admitted it, Madeleine, but I know it may never happen, so the least I want out of all of this is that I remain in Wyatt's life."

"I've already promised you that! You need to stop saying that, for Christ's sake, and move on to something else!" Her anger was just as palpable as his had been a few moments ago. She was tired of being stuck between him and Matt.

"Fine. How's this for moving on to something else? I want you, Madeleine. Not just a presence in Wyatt's life. I want you just as much, if not more, than I did sixteen years ago." His chest was heaving and his face was flushed in spite of the calm way he had spoken. Maddy wiped her face with her hands, then laid them in her lap. She lifted her head and looked directly at the man behind the desk.

"You know what? I've changed my mind. I do want to reschedule this session, Dr. Jenkins. There are a few more things that I have to take care of before the funeral." She felt her pent up frustration and anger begin to bubble up inside her. She was tired of feeling this way. She wanted out of this office before she exploded.

"Alright, Maddy. Stop and see the receptionist on your way out," said Dr. Jenkins as he rose up out of his chair. He came around to the front of his desk and gave Maddy a hug. "I'll see you sometime on Saturday." She picked up her purse and the diaper bag and headed out of the office, leaving Jace in his chair, with a dumbfounded look on his face.

"What was that all about?" he asked as he came up behind her at the reception desk, carrying Wyatt in his car seat.

"Is two weeks from Tuesday alright with you, same time?" said Maddy without looking up from her phone.

"Yeah, that's fine. I'll be back from Texas by then," he said. He watched as she thanked the receptionist, then turned on her heels and walked towards the front door.

"Madeleine, wait a minute, goddammit!" She pushed through the front door and turned around in the middle of the sidewalk to face him.

"What is it, Jackson? I'm in a hurry," she said defiantly.

"What's with the attitude change and suddenly ending our session?"

"I have things to take care of, like I said. Matt and I are interviewing babysitters this afternoon."

"Babysitters? For who?"

"For Em, for Christ's sake! Who do you think, Jackson? For Finn, of course. I have to go back to work in a few weeks and now that my father is gone, I need someone to watch him when Matt is on shift."

"Baby, please let me…" She interrupted him before he could finish.

"Please let you what, Jackson...watch Finn? Take care of me? Newsflash...I don't need anyone to take care of me. I'm doing just fine by myself. I always have. The only person I could ever count on in this life to actually take care of me was my father and he's gone. I have no one else, I never have."

"That's not true and you know it, goddammit! Casey may have failed you, Cook, but I never did."

"The hell you didn't," she said, spitting the words out of her mouth like they were snake venom. She turned away and walked towards the office parking lot. He caught up to her again and laid his hand on her shoulder, stopping her from moving.

"I'm not the one that screwed around on you, Madeleine."

"No, but you are the second man in my life that I've loved to leave me, aren't you?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"When you came to the airport in Cancun to take me to Texas, you promised me you would never disappear from my life like Matthew did."

"I was captured by Iraqi soldiers, for Christ's sake! It's not like I ran off with another woman! It was out of my control!"

"Oh, you were in control. Make no mistake about that. I begged you not to go back there, Jackson! I knew something bad would happen, but you didn't listen. You had to be the big man and prove something to your father and because of that, we lost everything."

Jace stood there silent. He was unable to speak. He never knew until now that Madeleine had blamed him for what had happened all those years ago. Her words cut him deeply.

"I wish to God that I could go back and change everything, Madeleine, but I can't. It killed me to go back there, knowing you didn't want me to, but it was my duty. Men were needlessly dying over there and I had to do my part to stop it. It's not like I was at a Club Med resort enjoying a vacation getaway, for Christ's sake!"

"Your duty was to me and our unborn daughter, Jackson, and to the ranch. If you hadn't left me that second time, our baby wouldn't have been ripped away from us and given to someone else and I wouldn't have tried to take my own life! Don't you see that? Everything bad that's happened in my life was a direct result of you choosing to take another tour of duty. It was a succession of one bad decision or circumstance after another when they told me you were dead. Try to deny it."

"My going to Iraq had nothing to do with Casey fucking his ex-wife, Madeleine...or fathering a baby with her.

"Really, Jackson? Seems to me that if you hadn't gone back, I wouldn't have been dragged back to Chicago and I wouldn't have married Matt or Stephen Gage, for that matter! I would still be your wife!" Jace wiped his face with his hand and blew out a long, deep breath. He had to collect himself before he answered her. Otherwise, he might regret it for the rest of his life. He had to choose his words carefully. He didn't want to say anything that could jeopardize him seeing Wyatt, even though he didn't think Madeleine was capable of doing something like that to him. In the current mood she was in, he wasn't so sure.

"OK, baby. I'm gonna buckle Wyatt up and put him in the back of your car, give him a kiss goodbye and do the same to you. You're not in the best state of mind right now to have this conversation. I'll blame that on the grief and stress you've been feeling, because this is not the Madeleine Elizabeth Walker I love."

"It's Madeleine Elizabeth Casey," she replied coolly. With that, he opened the back door of the Cadillac and placed Wyatt and his car seat in the middle of the backseat. He strapped him and tightly secured it before kissing the baby on his head.

"Papa loves you and will see you on Saturday, my boy." He backed out of the car and shut the door, then turned his attention to Madeleine. "I love you too, Cookie." A few tears rolled down her cheeks as she nodded her head. Jace walked towards her with his arms open, hoping to give her a hug before she left, but she backed away from him and slid into the driver's seat. The big man watched her as she pulled out of the parking space and onto the street. He stood there for several minutes until the car drove out of sight, playing back what had just happened over in his head. Until now, he had never thought about what his disappearance had done to Madeleine and how it had affected her life. He had been solely focused on everything he lost during those years, never considering the hell she had gone through after he was reported dead. Even though his ordeal had been a far greater hell than hers, hers was still just as valid and emotionally painful. It was only now that he realized it.

"You're home early, aren't you? How did therapy go?" asked Matt, as he walked down the front steps of the house with Finn in his arms.

"I cut it short and rescheduled. I had things to do," said Maddy, as she closed the driver's side door. The sour look on her face told Matt that she didn't want to talk about it and he wasn't about to push her into telling him. He secretly took it as a good sign that things between her and Jackson Walker weren't as rosy as he thought they were. She grabbed her purse and the diaper bag from the backseat, then unbuckled the car seat and lifted Wyatt out of the car. Matt followed her up the front steps, taking notice of how defeated she appeared and he knew he had something to do with that.

"What time is the first appointment supposed to get here?" she asked, setting the car seat down by the ottoman of her chair. She lifted Wyatt out of the seat and sat down in her chair, putting her feet up and holding the baby against her chest. He was sound asleep and the feel of his weight against her seemed to calm her when she was feeling like things were spinning out of control.

"One thirty, but just say the word and I'll cancel all of them. We don't have to do this," he said.

"Yes we do, Matt. You know that better than anyone," she replied.

"Yeah, Gabby asking for child support was an unexpected blow to our finances, but I can still support us, Maddy."

"I don't see how that's even possible now, Matt. Goddamn her! She knew exactly what this would do to us!"

"Even if we consider the worst case scenario, with our savings, we could manage nicely for the next year at least. Isn't that better than nothing?"

"I suppose, but I get the feeling like God is trying to send me a message. Maybe I don't deserve to be a full-time mother because of the way I've screwed up my life. Maybe the kids being with a babysitter is the smartest option, because I sure as hell don't feel very smart these days," she said, wiping a few tears from her cheeks.

"Don't say that, Maddy! You are an amazing mother and not one thing that you've done in this life will ever take that away from you!"

She reached out and grabbed his hand. He immediately brought it up to his lips and kissed the back of it.

"Let me take care of you for as long as I can, Maddy, please. It's the least I can do," he said, still holding her hand.

"But it wouldn't be fair, Matt. Wyatt is not your son. I can't ask you to support him, given the circumstances. You're not even living with us right now. It's not right."

"This is my family and if I say it's right, then it's right. I want to give you the life you want to the best of my ability. Besides that, Finn is my son and being home with him is part of your dream, Maddy...but if you're concerned about it, you could always ask Jace for child support. It works both ways, you know."

"I know...and I also know that he would be fine with it, but I just need to get through the next few days before I can think about that," she replied. "Arranging this funeral has drained me."

"Why don't you let me call the two appointments we have today and reschedule them until next week. It's the most sensible thing to do given the circumstances." His voice was soft, but strong. She loved him for his level head and his ability to reason through the chaos. It was one of the many reasons he had been promoted to Captain.

"I don't know how you do it," she said.

"Do what?"

"Think so clearly when our world is falling apart."

"It's because I love you, Maddy."

"I don't know how you can still love me, Matt. I've been unfaithful."

"Do you still love me?" She looked up at him with tears streaking her face. The look on his face was tentative, as if he were afraid to hear her answer.

"I honestly do love you, Matt."

"And I've been unfaithful to you, too, yet you still love me. That has to mean something, baby."

"Maybe it does. I just can't see the way forward right now."

"You will. You're my girl. You have been for over twenty years. Nothing will ever change that, Maddy."

She smiled softly as she let go of his hand and tended to the baby on her chest, who was now wide awake. He was beginning to squirm and make the familiar noises of wanting to eat. Matt took him from her arms and changed his diaper on the ottoman. He talked to him in a soothing voice as he cleaned the baby's behind and put a fresh diaper on him. He lifted him up and kissed him on the head before handing him back to Maddy.

"He's fresh as a daisy now, Mommy. I'll go get you something to drink," he said. Watching him, Maddy began to think that maybe this could work after all. He was so sweet and fatherly with Wyatt, just like he was with Finn. Was she finally seeing a light at the end of this long dark tunnel she was in? As she positioned the baby at the breast to nurse, she was thankful for being able to have the next thirty minutes of peace and quiet and the feelings of relaxation that came with it. As the baby suckled contentedly, she felt herself immediately relax at the increase of oxytocin in her blood. She told herself she would talk to Jackson in a few days to ask him about child support, even though she had left him hanging in Dr. Jenkins' parking lot. She pushed the memory of it out of her mind and focused solely on the baby at her breast.

"Here you go, baby. Do you need anything else before I make those phone calls?" said Matt, setting a glass of lemonade on the stand next to Maddy's chair. She shook her head no, so he leaned down and kissed the top of her head. Unexpectedly, she grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him down close to her face. She raised her head slightly and pressed her lips to his. They were warm and wet and hungry for her. His tongue pushed gently, parting her lips. She welcomed him into her mouth, just like she had done so many times in the last six years. Their kiss was soft and gentle and full of the passion they both recognized as being only their lips parted, Matt leaned his forehead against hers and stroked her cheek with his hand.

"I'll go make those calls now," he said, his voice cracking with unspent emotion. She nodded her head. Matt stroked the baby's head and gave her a soft smile before going back into the kitchen.

"Maybe, just maybe," she whispered as she lay her head against the back of the chair. In this moment, she felt more at peace than she ever had in the last year. She was thankful that the universe had opened and shed a small ray of hope to her.