CHAPTER 13

Jace walked into the cavernous entryway of the house that served as his home in Chicago and tossed his keys on the large circular table with the marble top that sat in the center of it. He purchased it over a year ago with plans to turn it into Rocking Horse North, a Chicago version of the ranch he'd built in Texas. He wanted to have the capabilities to save thoroughbreds in all areas of the country and not just Texas. Of course, he also wanted to have a ranch here that he and Madeleine could share on the off chance that he could convince her to come back to him. After the exchange they had earlier today, he doubted that would ever happen now.

It had been less than an hour ago and he was still reeling from it. He never knew Madeleine had harbored such resentment and anger over what happened. It may have been that she didn't realize she did until that moment when she blurted it out in the parking lot. If she had known it, she would have told him long before now. The abrupt manner in which she walked out of their appointment told him that she was just as surprised at her feelings as he was. The saddest part was that, in his heart, he knew she was right. If he hadn't gone back that second time, they would have still been married and had their life in Texas. It would have been just the way he wanted it.

As equally important, Madeleine would have never had her mental breakdown. Harper would not have been ripped away from her by his controlling family and Madeleine wouldn't have been taken back to Chicago and put in a psychiatric hospital. He found the parallels to both of their stories interesting. He had been reported dead by the Army, which precipitated her breakdown and attempt at suicide. She had told him that they could no longer see each other and he tried to end his life and ended up in a psychiatric hospital. These were the kinds of things that made him certain that he and Madeleine belonged together. He loved her so goddamn much, it hurt at times. He was a better man when he was with her. She was all he ever wanted from the moment he saw her. It had been almost a year since they made love, but when he climbed into his bed at night, he could still feel the way she felt in his arms and how her body wrapped so perfectly around his. He ached for her again the way he had ached for her for the last sixteen years. He hated that he had to remain respectful of the fact that she was Matthew Casey's wife, especially since that sonofabitch hadn't been respectful of it. What kind of man fucks around on his wife and still claims to love her? He had to fight the urge to remind her of that whenever they were together. He also had to suppress the urge to pound Matt Casey into the ground whenever he saw him. How he could be unfaithful to Madeleine was beyond him.

Then there was Madeleine. She had made some strong statements about being Casey's wife, but Jace could tell by her body language whenever he was around her that she was still attracted to him. She had also told him several times that she still loved him. The night that they fell asleep together in her bed after her father passed away was all the definitive proof he needed to continue to hold onto the hope that Madeleine would choose to be with him. She tried to pass it off as a dream, that she didn't mean the things that she said, but in his heart, he knew better than that. He saw right through her charade. She had to keep up appearances for now, but their love was bigger and stronger and not marred by infidelity or mistrust. Surely, Madeleine was aware of that. He had to hold her to the same standards that he held Casey...what kind of woman screws around on her husband and claims to still love him? When she came to Texas last fall, Jace had posed the question of who she loved more. She refused to answer him at the time and ran away in tears, and that told him all he needed to know. She may love Matthew Casey, but the biggest part of her heart belonged to him. He'd bet his family fortune on that.

He would never love any other woman. He had come to that conclusion a long time ago and no amount of therapy would ever change that. The sessions with his psychiatrist in Texas didn't help him to forget her and the abbreviated session they'd had today did nothing to dispel that either. He wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and bring her back to this big house to live with him, to pick up exactly where they left off before he went back to Iraq.

Iraq. The memories of that place would haunt him forever. Just like the memory of his and Madeleine's argument about going back for a second tour would always haunt him. They rarely fought when they were married and this one was significant. Madeleine was seven months pregnant and very emotional. When he told her he was going back, she flew into a rage and begged him not to go. She wanted him home with her to get ready for the birth of their baby. He promised her that he would only be gone for two weeks and that he would be home in plenty of time for their daughter's arrival. If he had only known what Iraq had in store for him, he wouldn't have gone. If he had listened to the one person that mattered to him, the woman that was the love of his life, he would have stayed home and had the life he wanted. Because of his mistake, Matthew Casey was living it instead.

"Stop pouting, Emily. You're acting more childish than Finn ever has," said Maddy. She had invited Em and Kelly over to eat dinner with her, Matt and the boys. They were all seated around the dining room table when Maddy dropped the news that she would be staying home for at least the next year.

"I can't help it, Mads. You know I hate doing your job," said Em.

"And you know that even though you hate it, you're great at it. The job should have been yours to begin with. You have seniority. I was just lucky enough to have the right letters after my name that Addison was looking for."

"That's why you need to come back, Mads. You're the one with the Masters degree. My paltry Bachelor's degree pales in comparison," said Em, pushing her salad around her plate with her fork. She looked sad and utterly defeated.

"That's a load of crap and you know it," said Kelly. "I've known a lot of people with Masters degrees who couldn't find their way out of a paper bag...present company excluded, Madster."

"If you're that worried about it, check with Lakeshore. They may be willing to partly pay for you to get your Masters. It's something to consider, especially if Maddy stays home permanently," said Matt, shoveling in a forkful of romaine lettuce.

"Matt, don't tell her that! Staying home permanently is not possible. We both know that," said Maddy, giving him a reprimanding look.

"Never say never, baby. I'm gonna go get the steaks off the grill. Be back in a minute," he replied, pushing his chair away from the table. He walked through the kitchen and out onto the back porch where the grill was located. Maddy watched him as he left, marveling at just how unselfish his offer to support her and the boys for the next year had been. He was making such an incredible effort, which she appreciated, but she wished he'd take it a little more slowly. Staying home permanently hinged on one thing and she wasn't ready to think about that just yet.

"And before you ask, don't," said Maddy, pointing to Em. She knew her friend would pick up on the hint of her going back with Matt and would be asking the question. She wanted to put a stop to it before she opened her mouth. Em put her hands up, like she was surrendering to the enemy.

"OK, Jesus," said Em. Matt came back into the dining room and placed a large platter of steaks in the middle of the table.

"Just like old times," he said. "The gang's back together, at least for tonight." His smile practically lit up the room as he took his seat next to Maddy. The look of happiness on his face warmed her heart and made her reminisce about when they met and when they were reunited after such a long time. The feelings of love she had for him were in direct contrast to the anger she felt at him for sleeping with Gabby Dawson. How he could act like everything was okay between them was puzzling to her. She felt tremendous guilt for accepting his offer to let her stay home for the next year. She was being selfish, at least in part, and she would be contacting Jace first thing in the morning about child support for Wyatt. She could only hope that he would be cooled off by then. He had been fairly upset by the bomb that she had dropped on him after their last therapy session. It had come out of nowhere without any warning. She had been just as surprised as Jace had been when she blurted it out. It must have been something that she had buried deep in her subconscious. She had gone through a lot of pain after Jace was reported dead and burying her emotions was one of the ways that she had managed to cope.

"Maddy, did we lose you?" The sound of Matt's voice startled her out of her thoughts.

"Sorry. I have a lot on my mind," she said. Matt reached for her hand and squeezed it gently in his.

"I know, baby...and I'll be there for you. We all will," he replied. She looked around the table at the three faces of the people she loved the most. Only two were missing. She would be saying goodbye to one of them on Saturday. The other was probably pacing the floor of his palatial Chicago home, wondering what the hell happened and hoping she would call him and explain it to him. Even if she'd had the inclination, she wasn't entirely sure she could. The words came tumbling out of her mouth like gumballs out of a machine. She felt guilty for hurting him that way, but if she were to make any progress in therapy, she had to let go and speak what was in her head and her heart. It was what was in her heart that scared her more than anything else. But she couldn't allow herself to worry about that right now. There were more important matters to take care of.

Matt laid in his bed, staring up at the ceiling and reflecting on the evening. It felt good to have Kelly and Em in the house again, talking and laughing and eating dinner the way they used to. It was almost as if he had never left. It felt comfortable and familiar, like the home that he and Maddy had created together almost five years ago. It was the life he had always dreamed of having since he and Maddy met at school. It was those dreams that he would rely on whenever his father would go off on one of his drunken rages. When the fighting would begin, Matt would retreat inside his head to think about better days with the girl he planned to marry and start a family with, the girl he loved. She was the only one he had ever truly loved. He had been engaged to Hallie, but that had been a response to losing Maddy and their dreams. Hallie was a sweet woman, but she didn't share his ideals about having a family. She was too focused on her medical career and once she told him that she didn't want kids, it was the beginning of the end of that relationship. He didn't regret his time with Hallie. They had six good years together. He had loved her, but deep down in his heart, he still wanted to be with Maddy.

And then it was Gabby. When Hallie died, he blamed himself. If he had loved her more and hadn't been still pining for Maddy, maybe she wouldn't have succumbed in that fire in the clinic. He had harbored tremendous guilt over her death, sinking into a deep, alcohol fueled depression. He began missing work and when he was on shift, he was not his usual focused self. He was becoming a danger to himself and his fellow firefighters. Gabby had been the one to pull him back from the brink. She saw what was happening to him, stepped in and saved him from ruining his life. He was thankful for her friendship and her help with getting himself back on track. It was what happened after that that he regretted.

Marrying her had been a mistake, but hindsight is always twenty-twenty. Had he known that she would turn into a controlling, manipulative bitch, he would have never gotten involved with her. His feelings for her were based on their blossoming friendship, but quickly developed into a sexual thing. He had been without sex for a long time after Hallie died and Gabby was more than willing to satisfy his needs. Eventually, he developed feelings for her that went beyond the sex that he couldn't deny. He had fallen in love with her and that was something he never expected. After losing Maddy and Hallie, he was through with trying to find love again. Falling in love with Gabby had given him the strength and support he needed to fight back and become the Matt Casey he was before Hallie died. Gabby had done that. They had had a good relationship in the beginning. He had been happy until she suddenly changed. She stopped communicating with him. She made decisions about their life without consulting him. She began controlling him and that's where it all went bad. They stopped being partners and he became her dog on a leash.

Looking back on his life now as he began to fall asleep, he wished to God that he could go back in time and undo all the things that had gone wrong in the last year. He wouldn't have jumped to the wrong conclusion about Maddy and Jackson Walker. He wouldn't have called Gabby to meet for coffee, knowing it would hurt Maddy. He wouldn't have slept with Gabby in the bed that he and Maddy shared. Maddy wouldn't have left and moved in with Walker and they wouldn't have slept together. Wyatt would be his son, not Walker's. One bad decision had snowballed out of control into bigger problems for all of them, but he held strong to the knowledge that Maddy still loved him. He would do everything in his power to prove to her that he was the man she belonged with and not Jackson Walker. If he wanted his life back again, he had to.