Chapter 3 – Rivka – November 2018

She watched the man and the four-year-old little girl from behind the curtained window in her postage-stamp sized room. Adam had found the attic room at a hostel on the same block where Tony and Tali went for ice cream every Wednesday afternoon. Ziva was grateful for a safe vantage point to observe her daughter; the child had changed so much in two- and one-half years. No longer the toddler that she had handed over to Adam in the marketplace; Tali was four- and one-half years old going on forty according to her father. The brief irregularly spaced conversations with Tony via the secure communication line had been a lifeline for Ziva.

Ice cream day… Tony's idea so that if Ziva happened to be in or near Paris, she would know that she could observe from afar while father and daughter walked to the small shop to have one of their favorite treats each week. Tali was none the wiser that the weekly outing was for the benefit of her missing Ima.

Ziva had managed to watch the father-daughter pair on their ice cream day about ten times since the first one in September 2017. She'd contacted Tony via the secure line after the stint with the garment factory, to give him a quick update on what she'd learned about the woman who was set on ending Ziva's life. She gave him a very brief executive summary, not going into any detail – not that she had many details yet – and expressed regret at missing milestones in her daughter's life. Tony had suggested that he create a weekly outing for Ziva to observe from afar if she could and ice cream day had been born.

As the pair entered the ice cream shop, Ziva sighed heavily and sat on the bed. She fought the urge to run down the stairs and to the outside of the store where she could watch her family. She knew if she let herself get too close, she would be tempted to move in to where she could hear the two as they ate the ice cream cones. Oddly, she was not afraid that Tali would recognize her mother, but that Tony would sense her presence immediately.

"I have been gone too long for Tali to remember me," she whispered into the silence of the room. She leaned back against the headboard of the bed, willing herself not to cry. Willing herself not to go down that rabbit hole of regret. "I was never meant to be a mother." She stared at the ceiling trying to empty the thoughts that were spinning inside her head. She knew better than to allow the vortex of self-destruction to swallow her mind… She. Knew. Better.

'Ima… I need you Ima… help me Ima,' Ziva had not realized she spoke aloud at first. The room was dark as night had fallen on the City of Lights. Damn, that meant she had missed Tony and Tali's return trip from the ice cream shop.

'You needed the sleep, Zivaleh.' Ziva started at the voice that she had not heard in nearly two decades. 'Do not fight the feelings and do not fight the need to replenish yourself. You cannot fight for your family if you are worn down and tired.'

Ziva sat up and inspected the darkened room using the ambient light from the street below to distinguish among the shadows and objects in the tiny room. 'Ima?'

'Ken, Zivaleh. You cannot see me, but you can hear me with your heart,' Rivka explained to her eldest daughter. 'We are all with you in your heart, yes?'

Ziva nodded to herself as she answered her Ima, 'I am not so sure about Abba. But what is meant to be is as it should be, I guess. Oh, Ima, how did I get so far apart from what I wanted to be?'

'Are you really all that far away from the dreams you had? You have a child, you have the love of a lifetime, you have a family that you have made. That family is so important to you that you are fighting for them, yes?'

'I do not deserve them. I have caused too much pain in my life, Ima. But yet, I have a daughter, and I have Tony…'

'You deserve the love of that man Ziva; he loves you for who you are, not who he thinks you should be or wants you to be. As for your daughter, she is the gift of the love you share with Tony. She is the most precious thing you have for which to fight. She will remember you; he makes certain that you are kept in her thoughts.'

Ziva sighed, 'I do not know that is true. She has not seen me in over two years. That is more than half her lifetime ago. She has changed so much, and I have missed all of that. But I suppose it is only fair since I kept her from her father for most of the first two years of her life. He missed out on all the milestones there…'

She felt a warmth at her side and leaned toward it. Oh, how she longed to feel her Ima's arms comforting her just one more time.

'Nobody is keeping score Zivaleh. You do not deserve to miss out any more than he did. She deserves to have both of her parents in her life as she grows. She deserves the family that neither you nor Tony had as children, yes? I cannot fix the past, but I can encourage you to make the future as bright as you wish it to be. Let that desire be your reason to fight; your reason to eliminate the threats to your family and reunite with them. Zivaleh, you deserve your something permanent; your happily ever after…'

A loud noise from the street below startled Ziva; she sat up quickly on the bed and grabbed her weapons as she inched to the window to determine the source of the sounds. Two vehicles were sitting askew on the street, their front ends crumpled into one another. She let out the breath she had not realized that she had been holding and sat on the bed. She needed to sleep, to rest her body for the next part of her journey. She lay back on the pillows and let her mind drift into oblivion.