Chapter 4 – Eli – August 2019

"You NEED to sleep," Odette gently guided Ziva back to the bed in the small cabin. "You are no good to anyone if you are on edge and overly tired. Let the medications help you shut down your mind to sleep." She held out the last of the anti-anxiety tablets along with a bottle of water for Ziva to take.

"I… the medications affect my judgement…" Ziva protested. "I cannot take them yet."

Odette placed an arm around Ziva's shoulders as though she were dealing with an obstinate child, "Ziva, I can get more of the pills for you should you need them. In order for you to sleep, your mind needs to stop the whirlwind. You have been through too much in the past weeks to unwind on your own. Take the medication."

Ziva took the pill in her own hand and opened the cap on the bottle of water; she took a sip of water as she contemplated the white tablet in her hand. Anti-anxiety medication, a commonly used med in many countries, easily obtainable by her contacts with 'connections.' She slipped the pill between her lips and swallowed it with a swig of water.

"Satisfied?" she glared at the older woman next to her.

Odette nodded, "For now. On the other side of this, after you are reunited with your daughter and your love, promise me that you will get professional help. Get the correct medications and counseling to live your life to its fullest."

Ziva lay back on the bed, "I will… I promise." She mostly responded to get Odette to leave her alone. She knew she was tired and that she needed to sleep despite her churning thoughts. One thing for certain, Ziva knew she could not sleep with the presence of another in her room. Her instincts to be alert would never shut down enough for her to sleep.

"Sleep, child," the older woman patted her hand on Ziva's. "I will check on you in a few hours." She left the small room, making sure to latch the outer door fully. Her plan was to check on Ziva in about six hours, hoping that the Israeli would still be getting some much-needed sleep.

Inside, Ziva closed her eyes and sank back onto the pillows. So much had happened in the past four months; she and Gibbs had found a woman who claimed to be Sahar. They'd killed most of her cohorts and then the woman had taken her own life. Ziva had an uneasy feeling about the whole thing; it just seemed way too easy. Had they really taken out the head of a large terrorist organization just like that? Her mind swirled with crazy thoughts about the Arab woman, the pursuit and capture, the suicide in the remote sheriff's office.

Moreover, Ziva had admitted her weakness to Gibbs; her anxiety had become one of her demons since the separation from Tali. In typical Gibbs' fashion, the man had grunted a reply… functional mute, that's how Tony had described their former team leader. And then there was Tim, her brother of the heart. The third wheel of the MCRT, but a sibling none-the-less to both her and Tony.

Seeing her adopted family from NCIS had been bittersweet. Some had moved on, some had changed, some had stayed the same. While she missed them, the big hole in her heart was the absence of her real family, her Tali and Tony. The five-year-old daughter who had now spent more time without her Ima than with… Ziva fingered the necklace on its chain. The repetitive motion of rubbing her fingers over the smooth stone had a calming effect on her: perhaps the reminder of her Tali, perhaps the smoothness of the stone. Whatever it was, the motion was comforting in a way that eased her anxiety and allowed her to relax, eventually drifting into the much-needed slumber.

'Et qeren ha'or sheli… you are my sunshine…' the voice of Eli David filled his daughter's head. 'I know you have not heard me sing that to you for many years, my Ziva. Too many years. I think the last time I sang that for you, you may have been around three years old…'

'I remember you sang it as a lullaby, Abba,' Ziva smiled at the memory. 'Yes, it has been a long time since you sang that to me… I do not remember you ever singing to Tali when she was a little girl.'

Eli sighed, 'By the time our little tzipporah was with us, I was too preoccupied with my ambitions. I have so many regrets, Ziva. So many… My thirst for power blinded me to the people I should have put first: your Ima, Ari, Tali, you… I realized too late that it is the people and not the position nor the power that matter the most. I tried to redeem myself with you, since you were the only one still living but I failed.'

Ziva huffed, 'You left me to die in the desert… you left me at the mercy of the monster!' She fought back the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes at the memory of her father's betrayal ten years prior. Many a time since she had considered that her anger at her father had been a factor in her stubborn desire to survive; albeit a smaller factor than the love she carried for Tony even then.

She felt a hand wiping the tears from her cheek. The touch of a father who had forgotten how to be a father so, so long ago; Ziva didn't realize how much she had longed for that touch just one more time until now.

'My Ziva…' Eli's voice hitched with emotion. 'Oh, my Zivaleh…'

'Abba?'

'I failed you Ziva, as a father first, and as your supervisor at Mossad. The greatest sin is that as a father, I put you last as a person. I spent my time making you into my sharp end of the spear, the perfect weapon, and I lost sight of Ziva the person; Ziva, my daughter. I do not blame you for not forgiving me,' Eli sounded distraught and emotional, something Ziva had no memory of ever seeing from her father.

She looked for his face, 'Then I must tell you that you are incorrect in your assumption. I realized after my Tali was born that I could not go on carrying any animosity towards you; that I had to let go of the anger and forgive you, Abba. When I did, it was as though a great weight had been lifted from me. In fact, after that epiphany, I was ready to return to Tony and seek his forgiveness for all that I have done to hurt him. Also, to introduce him to his daughter; then Sahar reared her ugly vengeance on me for killing Ari… My plans had to be changed to protect my family; to allow my Tali to have the life that she deserves.'

Ziva felt her father's presence close by, as if he placed an arm around her shoulders as he spoke, 'Do not lose sight of the final goal, Ziva. Your daughter deserves a life with both of her parents there to witness her milestones and her achievements. Let her grow up with two parents who are physically, emotionally, and mentally present all of her days. You deserve the love of both your daughter and of her father. Tony has loved you for a long time. I saw his love for you before the Somalia mission. He is a good man, Ziva; you deserve his love, and he deserves yours. My only wish for you was always for you to be happy, Zivaleh. Make it happen.'

'I must find Adam; make sure he is safe. He has been my greatest ally in this fight. When I am sure he is safely home, and out of danger, then I will make my way to my family… to Tony… to my Tali. I just hope that I am not too damaged to be all they need. My inner demons torment me with anxiety and fear, Abba.'

'We – your family past – are always within you to give you strength and help you face the fears, Ziva. You will find a way to draw on this to bring your family of the present together and build it stronger than anything you have ever known. Believe in this, my Ziva, believe in the future with Tony and Tali. That will carry you through to your goal. I did not say this often enough, my daughter, but I love you. I will always love you.' Eli's voice faded into the semi-darkness of the new morning.

Ziva sat up on the bed and wiped at her face; it was time to put the past in the past and make the present into a reality for her future. Her determination was stronger than ever to reunite with Tony and Tali. Time to begin the new day.