When Athena arrives at the hospital all it takes is a flash of her badge and the charge nurse is ushering her through the doors of the ICU where one Evan Buckley is currently residing. It's only a handful of minutes that she has to herself with the boy she's come to see as a son before a frazzled Henrietta arrives with Chimney in tow. She has a knowing look in her eyes afraid that she had been right in her assumptions.
"It's Buck isn't it?"
Athena managed a jerky nod in response before stepping to the side to allow them a view of their youngest team member swaddled in a half dozen blankets and medical personnel. Anxiety was gnawing at her and it took every bit of her willpower to refrain from busting in there to demand answers.
Chimney leveled them both with a quizzical gaze before shifting his eyes from the mass on the bed and the monitors he was hooked up to.
"This is about Buck? What's he done now?" Both women can hear the exasperation in his voice and neither of them is volunteering to share their theories. Not until the doctor could either confirm or negate their suspicions.
They stood in silence, watching the team in the small hospital room work around Buck's form on the bed. It's much too big a bed to make Buck look so small on it. Hen swallowed hard at the sight and the bounce of light shining off Buck's bald head has her heart sinking low in her stomach. She hadn't wanted to be right.
The three of them stood there, silently taking it in. No one dares to break the silence for fear that it would mean the thought running through everyone's mind was real. That one of their own was really laying there in an ICU bed wasting away in front of their eyes.
Athena finds herself extraordinarily thankful for the charge nurse who must have given out instructions for bobby to suddenly appear beside her. He doesn't ask questions yet; instead, he slides his hand in hers and gives it a squeeze. She glances over to find his eyes entirely trained on their pseudo son's figure. she can't imagine what is going through his mind right now. She had known things had still been tense and strained since the lawsuit, but she had thought that things were patched up enough that Evan wouldn't keep something like this from them. Not something like this.
Eddie is the next to arrive in the crowded hallway. he takes not of the group gathering in front of one room and can't help but take a census of who is present and who could possibly be in the ICU room they're all looking into. He knows in some small part of him just who it is lying in that bed, but he shakes the thought away.
"Cap?" it's barely more than a whisper but it's enough to have everyone but the man in question turn to look at him. He feels nauseous at the look in Athena's eyes, knowing that only a handful of people could make the strong woman look so fragile. That is all the confirmation he needs to come to the awful conclusion that it's Buck everyone is looking at.
Bobby still hadn't looked at him, but he must have been loud enough for the older man to register his presence because he's waving Eddie over to the window. Hen and Chim are kind enough to shuffle out of the way, knowing that Eddie will want to be as close as he could be without pressing himself up against the glass of the window. They wouldn't put it past him though once he sees what they all have been looking at.
Eddie is half tempted to turn around and run but he must do this. He has to see even if it's going to hurt.
When he steps in front of the glass window beside Bobby, he can't help the harsh exhale that falls from his mouth. Whatever he had been thinking in the few steps it took to reach the window it wasn't this. He feels weak in the knees and not in the way he would have liked. Buck looks so different from the tall and broad-shouldered man he'd come to know. In that bed he looked small. His muscles were all but atrophied. The harsh stains of black beneath sunken eyes are haunting. His collar bones look sharp enough to pierce and his wrists look like they're competing for some kind of trophy in the race to see which bone can pop out first. It's the total lack of hair on his head that has Eddie turning abruptly. He'd had no idea that the golden locks of his best friend were missing.
It's gruesome to see. It's worse to know that this couldn't have happened overnight. They'd let him waste away like this and no one had seen anything. They hadn't wanted to.
He looked sick and Eddie needed some answers.
"What's going on?" It's again barely more than a whisper and no one can give him an answer yet.
Almost as if the universe was screaming at him to pay attention now, an alarm trills out sharp and stinging. He can't help but cover his ears, not wanting to hear the sound of one of the many machines attached to Buck. He knows the sound and knows exactly what it means. He knows what follows that sound and he won't, can't hear those words in relation to Buck.
It's Hen who pulls his arms away from his head with a pitying look. She whispers to him to open his eyes. "It's okay Eddie, they got him back."
There's a man in front of them know that Eddie recognizes as the doctor who had been beside Buck in the room. He vaguely notes the name tag on his breast. Dr. Serna. The white coat was telling and so was his expression and the fact that the man had to remove his glasses to wipe at his face before approaching them. It was all too familiar.
"Is there an Eddie Diaz here?" The doctor asks this of the group in front of him, knowing that Alexa wouldn't have let them all back here if they weren't family in some way. He could probably guess which of them was Mr. Diaz but for protocol's sake, he had to ask.
Eddie steps forward his eyes pleading with the older man for some answers. "That's me. What's happening?"
"Why don't we take this somewhere more private?" The doctor is trying to offer them some sort of reprieve, but Eddie can't move. All he can do is shake his head. "No. Tell me what's going on. Please?"
"Very well, Mr. Diaz." Dr. Serna takes a breath before continuing. "Mr. Buckley is in the final stages of his illness now, which means his body will start to fail him."
Eddie feels like the wind has been knocked out of him. He vaguely hears Athena question the doctor, "What do you mean by his illness Dr.? "
"Mr. Buckley's been battling an especially aggressive form of Leukemia for the past 4 months. His prognosis then was not good, and it seems I was correct in the assumed progression of his disease. As I said he is in the final stages now."
If the doctor had said anything else beyond that Eddie couldn't hear it through the rush in his ears. Everything made sense now. Eddie recalls the strange voicemail he had gotten from Buck over 4 months ago and he feels sick with the realization that it must have been the day he found out. He manages a step back and feels the base of his spine make contact with the cold wall. He slides down it to sit with his knees pulled up to his chest. Everyone else is too busy in their own minds to notice.
He feels the doctor pass them to report his findings to the charge nurse of the ICU. He wouldn't have known it, but the man paused briefly to place a comforting hand on the younger man's shoulder as he passed.
Eddie doesn't know how long has passed since then. He can't do anything to fight off the endless stream of thoughts in his mind centered around one Evan Buckley. He had been the worst kind of friend. The worst kind of person. He had pushed Evan so far away that the younger man had thought he couldn't come to him about this. Of all things, this.
"Maddie.." Chimney only manages her name before she's in front of them. No one knows how to tell her the news. Chimney and Hen pull her aside before she can catch a glimpse of her baby brother in the ICU room. Whatever they said is lost to the others' ears but Eddie can guess.
There's a brief moment of silence before Maddie is shrieking in her grief and pounding at Chimney's chest with her fists. It's not hard and lacks any real malice and Chimney just takes it until he's catching her in his arms and sinking to the floor on his knees beside her. He can hear her now whispering in between her broken sobs. "NO! I can't-no-I can't do this again. No!'
When Evan wakes in the middle of the night it's to the entire team, Maddie and Athena piled into the room in various stated of sleep. Maddie is curled up on the couch using Chimneys legs as a pillow while the man in question ha his head thrown bag to rest on the window frame. Buck winces a bit sure that the position is anything but comfortable for the man. He can see the tear tracks racing down her cheeks and his chest pangs from the hurt he's caused her. He hadn't meant for any of this to happen. He was trying to spare her more pain than necessary! He'd messed it up though. Just like everything else.
Hen is passed out in a similar fashion against the wall on the opposite end of the couch. Athena and Bobby are curled up in the recliner to the left of his bed in a tangled mess of limbs that Buck can't quite understand. He can see the creases in Bobby's face making him look much more his age than Buck cared to think about. He's got a furrow to his brow even in his sleep causing a line to form on his forehead that Buck hates.
Finally, his gaze swings right and there's Eddie.
Eddie has his hand gripped tight in his own enough to almost hurt. He looks almost like he'd been praying with both hands clasped around Evan's own with his St. Christopher's pe ant hanging loosely from their entwined hands. He knows he's beyond prayer at this point though, not that he believed in God. Nor did Eddie for that matter. Eddie's got his forehead pressed hard against his arm and Buck is sure he would wake with a crick in his neck to rival Chimney's.
He has enough sense that he doesn't need to wonder how he'd landed himself here. He'd been feeling more than poorly all evening while on shift. He did remember making it home at least and wonders who had the pleasure of finding him. Who had to deal with his issues this time?
He makes to pull his hand from Eddies and push himself up. The movement was enough to jostle Eddie awake and he's up with a start. Buck looks almost mournfully at him, quickly apologizing for waking him up.
"Evan!.." Eddie can't think of what to say other than his friend's name. If he had the right to call him that anymore that is after the way things had been in the past few months.
'Hey, Eds." Buck's voice is scratchy and his throat is sore from disuse. He can't think of the last time he'd said anything. To anyone really. He tries to clear his throat eliciting a few coughs. Eddie is thrusting a cup into his palm, which Evan accepts gratefully tossing a few ice chips into his mouth. He sighs at the cool relief and closes his eyes.
He wants to stay awake. He really does, but he's so tired. He's fighting to keep his eyes open and the coughing had sapped him of any energy reserve he may have had.
"You can go home Eddie. I know you have better things to worry about." Buck means this kindly, sure that Christopher would be wondering where his dad was. He says this while shuffling downward in his bed to settle in for the rest of the evening. He allows his eyes to close as he settles so he doesn't see the utterly shattered look in Eddie's own.
"I absolutely do not! have better things to worry about Evan. I'm worried about you." Evan allows his eyes to crack open again spurred by the gutted tone to Eddie's voice. "Why didn't you tell me? Or anyone else?" Eddie takes on a near-hysterical tone, but Buck is lacking the wherewithal to acknowledge it at this point. He's so tired.
"I didn't think it mattered." The answer was heartbreaking when it met Eddie's ear. He feels the tears sliding down his cheeks begin anew. The harsh reality is that they had made Buck feel so worthless over the last few months that he didn't think anyone would care enough to know about his cancer for fuck's sake.
Buck is already asleep by the time Eddie comes back from the reeling realization that Buck thought they wouldn't want to be bothered with his illness. He sits back in his chair posted at Buck's bedside with a heavy thud. He stays there all night almost unblinkingly. How had they let it come to this?
It's in the early hours of the morning that Eddie is shaken from his stupor by the sudden blaring of one of the many machines currently patched into Buck's frame.
He's barely had time to look up before all in a rush there are scrubbed bodies pulling him from the chair and pushing him out of the room alongside everyone else. They're pulling the blankets from Buck's skeletal form and Eddie thinks he may have said something about it to one of the people pushing at him. He needed those blankets. He was going to get cold without them. That's the last thing he sees before the door is shut on them and the curtain is drawn blocking their view.
Eddie can barely hear the panicked conversation being held by everyone surrounding him as he leans on the wall opposite Evan's room and slides down it to sit on the cool tiled floor of the ICU.
It' Maddie who notices him on the floor this time. She catches sight of the look on his face and crouches beside him with a comforting hand braced on his shoulder. Eddie isn't sure he deserved the offer of comfort from the older Buckley, but he won't say it's unwelcome. He reaches up to lay his hand on Maddie's holding it in place and soaking up the comfort being offered to him. "Eddie? What is it?" Her tone is soft, and Eddie manages to croak out his response through the think mass lodged in his throat.
"He woke up a few hours ago. " Maddie nods at him encouragingly and scoots a few inches closer prompting him to continue.
"He woke up last night and...and he said he didn't tell anyone because-" He chokes on a sob before quickly containing himself, forcing down the emotion. " He didn't think it would matter. He didn't think anyone would care."
Eddie's face crumples at the same time as Bobby overwhelmed by the despair washing through them, knowing that they were the ones who had iced the younger man out so completely.
Maddie fares no better as she lets her knees hit the floor next to Eddie. The team surrounding them slowly come to the same horrible realization Eddie had been mulling over all night. They stand in silence once more awaiting some shred of news from the room holding the young man, they had all failed so badly.
Eddie is unsure of how long it has been since they were unceremoniously removed from the room when the door finally opens again. On any other day, he would be worried about the lost time in his mind but not today. Not with this looming over him like a dark shadow. He scrambles back to his feet when he sees that it's Dr. Serna emerging from the room once more, pulling Maddie up with him.
The doctor holds up a placating hand and is quick to reassure them, "He's stable for now. Why don't we take this into my office?" Dr. Serna hesitates then, rethinking based on the size of the group. "Or maybe a conference room? Mr. Buckley is very lucky to have so many loved ones in his corner. "
They follow behind him as he leads the way, the elderly man entirely unaware of the ice pick he had driven further into their chests with his kind words. He ushers them into a conference room and sits down with a heavy sigh at the head of the table.
"I hate to be the bearer of bad news but as you can see Mr. Buckley is-" Eddie interrupts unable to help himself then. "It's Buck. He goes by Buck."
The doctor is understanding and nods at Eddie kindly before continuing. "Buck is fighting a losing battle at this point I'm afraid. His body isn't responding to the treatments in the way I had hoped. I'm very sorry to tell you all this but it's my belief that he doesn't have much time left if he continues on this path."
It's Chim who speaks then, still holding a tearful Maddie. "What are the options then? You said if he continues on this path, meaning there are other paths, right?"
"There is one other thing we could try; however, Mr.- Buck was reluctant to do so 4 months ago and I'm not sure if he would be willing to reconsider the option now."
"What is it?" The question is desperate, and Eddie isn't sure he'd ever heard that tone from Bobby before.
"We could remove the area where the cancer has originated from. Leukemia is a cancer of blood-forming tissues, including bone marrow. Buck's cancer is originating specifically in the marrow of his leg."
Hen voices the question they are all thinking, "It's his left leg, isn't it?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is. Buck was very adamant that he didn't want to resort to that when we first spoke of his diagnosis and options 4 months ago."
Maddie stifles a cry in her hand. "He's been dealing with this alone for 4 months?" Dr. Serna allows a question to form on his lips before deciding against it. It was none of his business after all.
Hen speaks up again, "H-How much would you need to remove?"
The grim set to his mouth is all the answer anyone in the room needs. Still, though he speaks, "We would need to amputate. The whole leg. Above the knee to be sure and we would need to do it tonight. The sooner the better in cases like this. It will give him a chance, slim as it may be."
Athena breaks then, finally allowing the tears stubbornly gathering in the corner of her eyes all evening to fall. "You want to take that boy's leg after everything he's been through?"
Dr. Serna nods in response, "Unfortunately that is the only option Buck has at this stage. I won't lie to you. The risk is great and there is a chance that it won't make any significant difference in the end. I'll leave you to discuss this amongst yourselves. It is Buck's choice and I'll be discussing this with him in a moment, but I'm sure you will have your own opinions on the matter. If you have any questions regarding the procedure, please have the nurse page me."
Buck's youthful outlook on life never ceases to amaze the elderly doctor. He had taken the news in stride and while he wasn't entirely sold on the idea, he wasn't ready to go out without a little bit more of a fight. If he was going to go down, he wanted to go down swinging.
"Might as well take the damn thing. It's been nothing but trouble lately anyway!"
While the Dr. could appreciate his patients' humor he can't help but remind the younger man of the risk he would be taking. Buck had waved him off with a comment along the lines of risk is my middle name. With Evan Buckley's approval and signatures on all the right forms, they booked the OR for that afternoon.
It was relatively quick, and the team hadn't had a chance to really talk to Buck before they're wheeling him away for this life-altering surgery. They rounded the corner just as the nurse was wheeling his bed down the hall of the ICU. Buck caught sight of them and whispered something to the nurse. She turned and waved them forward with a warning, "Mr. Buckley is expected soon but I can give you a minute or two." With that, she returns to the desk and gathers some paperwork to allow the group a modicum of privacy.
"Hey guys, you don't have to stay for this. I can do this on my own." He offers them a warm smile and reaches out for Maddie's hand giving it a reassuring squeeze when he catches sight of the tears gathering in her eyes. "I'll be fine Mads."
"We aren't going anywhere, Buck." This time it's Bobby who speaks up.
"Oh! Hey, Cap. I don't think I'm gonna make it to my shift on Monday. Sorry about that!" Chim snorts from his position and Hen can't help the smile crawling across her face either. Their Buck, always the joker. Even now he was more concerned about the happiness of others than his own wellbeing.
"That's better. I like the smile a lot more." Buck reaches up to wipe a tear from Maddie's face before gesturing to the nurse.
"You're going to be fine Evan. And when you're back we're gonna talk ok?" It's Maddie who says this but the rest of them are nodding along in agreement, eager to have a chance to reconcile with the young man they had left out in the cold for so long.
"You got it. Love you." He waves and the nurse is pulling him down the rest of the hallway and around the corner towards the OR.
Chimney felt like he could finally take a breather. They had a long way to go to get back to where they were, but he was determined to be here for his pseudo brother now. He remembered the aftermath of the ladder truck explosion and how he hadn't been there enough for Buck. He wouldn't make that mistake again. He wouldn't let him feel like the outcast anymore.
Neither would Henrietta. She had stepped into one of the family lounges at the end of the wing to call Karen and fill her in on everything that had happened, sure that she would want to know and probably swing by with Denny later if Buck was feeling up to it. She wouldn't blindly follow the rest of the crew again. Not when it comes to her family and Buck is her family too.
Bobby and Athena retreated to a family lounge of their own to decompress from the overwhelming reality of everything they had learned. They were already making plans to alter their home in a way that would allow Buck to manage moving bout the property while he recovered. There was no way he would be able to manage his loft apartment without a leg. Not for a while, that is.
Maddie couldn't help the sinking feeling in her gut telling her that this wasn't the end-all of their problems. She had been a nurse for too long and seen to many patients come and go to believe that everything would be peachy perfect after the surgery. Evan would need a lot of care and comfort and if the 118 was unable or unwilling to help provide it then she would take her baby brother and disappear from their lives. Evan shouldn't have faced this solo. While she wasn't entirely innocent herself, she felt some comfort in knowing that while she hadn't been as adamant as she could have, Evan had been dodging her for this reason. She would have been there with him every step of the way if he had let her.
Eddie felt like he could finally breathe a little easier. He was raiding the vending machines to bring snacks back to the room for everyone. Buck had said they could talk and while it was directed primarily towards Maddie, he had made a poignant effort to include Eddie and the others in that promise as well. He'd finally get the chance to apologize for everything that he had put the younger man through. They would reconcile and put it past them, and Eddie would be there for Buck this time.
This time Evan would know he was loved, and he would get better.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He was wrong and the universe was a spiteful bitch.
.
.
.
.
.
He couldn't help but wonder if this was how Buck felt that night 4 months ago when he was leaving that voicemail for Eddie. Had he felt this destitute and bereft? Eddie felt like he was lost at sea and drowning.
The surgery did have risks. They were warned about them. The fever was no great surprise in the aftermath of the surgery. When they had wheeled him in with the blanket draped over nothing where his leg should have been Eddie had vomited. He'd seen men without limbs before. He'd been to war for god's sake. And then it only got worse.
The surgery did have risks. They were warned about them.
No one warned him about how this would feel though. He felt like he was the one missing a limb. He felt like he couldn't breathe.
Dr. Serna could only offer them 'complications' by way of explanation.
Complications.
As if that told them anything.
His best friend was dead, and he felt too much like the one holding the smoking gun.