CHAPTER 3

TEARS

It's been a few weeks since I arrived at school and, believe or not, I can't imagine becoming friends with someone so easily.

Our first bonding experience was playing Resident Evil 2. We bought that game on our first night in the dormitory and it was great how good we became with it. I mean, who could have said that playing a zombie video game could be such a bonding experience?

We spend hours trying to break our runtime hardcore record of 2 hours and 18 minutes. Not to brag but it's pretty good for non professionals considering we do it with no infinite ammo.

And we talk. We talk about our families, our school work, our worries of the future and the crazy things we experience during the day. It's so easy to talk with him for hours.

We have so much in common!

Like our unconventional love for horror movies. We both watch horror films to put everything in our lives else in perspective. I mean our families can't be as bad as the one in Hereditary, right?

And of course we are so Otaku. We can't stop thinking about our "Squid Games" inspired Comic Con outfits or our love for Attack on Titan.

"It's a masterpiece man," he says as he prepares our third cup of instant noodles.

"Yeah, but I didn't like the ending though," I say as I turn off our fifteenth speed run of Resident Evil 2.

"Don't tell me man. I'm anime only"

"How can you watch the anime only! I couldn't wait to see what happened next"

"I like to take things slow, at the right time," he says with a hint of mischief as he lays this instant ramen on the coffee table.

"Is he flirting? What's with the uncertainty with this guy!," I better eat my noodles and get that thought out of my head.

I mean Leon S. Kennedy is hot and all, but Mew is just something else entirely. I mean, his thick eyebrows, that sexy grin, how can I resist?

Of course I can't say anything. I mean, is not like I'm just going to go and say "Hey, I like you man." Gay people don't have the previlege of gran gestures or love or confessions in a romantic setting.

Things don't work like that for us. "I think like him too much to lose him"

"So, are we going to that bar. I mean we did pay a lot for those fake IDs," he says as he checks the time on his phone.

"Sure man. Did you check with the others?"

"Yeah, they are all going, look" he says as he hands me the phone, "That's Eric's cousin she is going to go too. She is hot right?"

And crush literally crushes into the wall, "Sure," that's all I have the courage to say after having my hopes ruined so easily like that.

"Maybe we'll get lucky tonight," he says happily. How cute is he when he frowns his eyebrows like that

"Yeah, sure"

"You, ok?"

"Yeah, I'm just tired," I say, trying to look as unfaced as I can after the current revelation.

"Don't bail on me. You said we were going so we are going. I can't go alone to that place?," he says. How can I resist that face?

"Yeah, yeah, I'll go"

Our friends were waiting for us at the entrance of the bar, trying to look older by smoking one cigarette between five people.

And there she was, in a small black dress, my love nemesis. She was pretty, for straight standards. It was obvious that she wasn't going to stand a chance against Mew's handsome face.

"Let 's go, everybody act cool. It's now or never. Ella you come with me," Eric said as he walked with her cousin to the door.

The bouncer only gave us a glance and I knew there was no way he was going to let us in.

"IDs," said the bouncer with a cold killer look on his face, as if his large size wasn't enough to scare everybody.

"Sure man," Eric said as he handed the documents to the terryfing man.

"Listen little shit, you either leave this place with your pubescent friends or I call your parents. Your choice"

"You… can't call our parents. You.. don't know their numbers" Eric said, trying to look confident.

"Try me," said the bouncer as he pushed the ID's into his chest.

It was clear his plan had failed miserably. I couldn't help but let out a small chuckle with the expression on his face.

"What's so funny?" Eric said in anger.

"Nothing dude. Great plan though," I said with a smirk. I mean it was so easy to bother him

"Yeah, well… if you are so smart why don't you come up with a plan"

"I know of a party downtown. My brother is the organizer, it's actually at our place, so he can let us in easily"

"Really, let's go then," said Mew with a joyful face, looking straight into Ella's direction. It appeared as if he had been eager to meet her for a while. It was painful to look at it.

"If it sucks, it's on you" Eric said as he waved his arm for a cab. We all hopped in the car and squeezed into the back sit. Of course Mew and Ella had to be next to each other, rubbing salt into my already open wound.

10 minutes and a cramped leg later, we arrived at the party. Just so you know, my brother is the most famous teen star in the world. If you had to compare Ryan's fame to anyones it would be BTS's level of fandom.

So of course it wasn't just a party. It was "the party."

"Holy shit, it's that Selena Gomez?," Eric stuttered, taking his phone out and snapping a few pictures.

"This place is amazing. Your brother is a celebrity, I mean, why didn't you tell me?" Mew asked while admiring the apartment.

"When I tell people they become my friends for the wrong reasons. So I like to keep my family all to myself" I said with a smile.

"No way! Is that Kit Harrigton? I love Game of Thrones," Ella said, pulling Mew's hand with a huge smile on her face.

Of course she had to be a nerd too. What else could she be if not perfect for the guy I liked. And of course Mew looked back at her in amazement, as if he just met his equal in life. Didn't he know his equal was already next to him?

I couldn't stay there much longer watching them getting closer by the minute, I had to get some air, I had to leave that place, "Guys I have a headache, I'll be heading back home. But don't worry, you guys enjoy the party"

"You sure?," Mew asked with a concerned look. Maybe I wasn't hiding my emotions that well.

"I'm just not feeling that well. You guys enjoy the party. I'll go say hi to my brother and go home"

"I'll go with you"

"No, man. You really wanted to be here with her so… have fun ok?" I turned around and didn't wait for a response. I just moved through the crowd without looking back.

I couldn't get out of there fast enough because there were so many people. I mean what was I expecting? For him to like me back? How foolish of me.

As I walked into my brother's room, expecting to find him there, I saw a young guy looking into his records.

"You can't be here," I said as I walked in.

"Neither can you, yet you are here" he said, putting down one of the records over the night stand.

"Well this is my brother's room so…"

"You are Ren. I heard a lot about you. Your brother made me listen to one of your songs. You are good, really good"

"Thanks"

"I'm Luka by the way"

"Ren, but you already knew that," I said as I sat on the bed.

"Sorry I barged into the room like this but I just had to get away from all that straight energy"

"Straight energy?"

"The constant touching of straight couples. It's exhausting!" he said as he sat next to me.

"You don't have to tell me," I said as I lay down.

"So… are you a friend of Dorothy?," he asked with a curious grin. For those who are not aware, asking someone if they are a friend of Dorothy is a slang for asking someone if they are gay. It goes all the way back to World War II.

"You could say so," I sighed.

"Bad night huh?"

"Let's just say that my crush is with the girl he likes downstairs"

"Uff, that's rough buddy," he said laying down and moving close to me, "maybe I can make things better?"

As I saw him lying next to me. The imminent knowledge that I could never have a moment like this with Mew striked I could never touch the guy I like as I could touch the boy by my side. My heart felt like it broke in half.

Luka saw the pain and recognized it in my eyes. He put his hand on my face and pulled me close to him, kissing my lips tenderly. As I lost myself in his embrace, trying to forget the love that could never be and those moments that will never arrive, I heard a loud crash.

My heart just dropped. It was like a storm just hit me with all it's power.

Mew was standing at the door with a shocked look on his face and a broken vase lying at his feet.

"I…" I couldn't speak. The words wouldn't come out of my mouth as hard as I tried.

And what was I supposed to say?

Mew just ran out of the room in a hurry and I followed him, leaving poor Luka in the room all alone. But I just couldn't let Mew go without an explanation, I couldn't lose him like this. I couldn't lose the first guy I actually cared about and who I actually felt connected to.

"Wait, just hold on!," I said as I catched his arm, pulling him towards me. Suddenly, I saw a strange expression on his face. Not the expression of hate or disgust I was expecting to see but a look of…. heartbreak? Was… was he about to cry?

He looked away and pulled his arm from my grasp. As we stayed in silence looking away from each other, I thought about all the things I wanted to say, but I couldn't. The only option now was to try to be as honest as I could.

"I'm gay," I whispered, breaking the silence.

"I figured that out," he said in anger.

"It's not like it is the easiest thing to say," I said looking down at my feet. I couldn't look him in the eye. I felt embarrassed for some reason.

"Whatever you do is not my business" he took a deep breath and then said, "But I can't live with someone like you like that. I mean, it's just wrong"

It hit me like a ton of bricks. An already horrid night had become so much worse. I truly had lost him, the first friend I ever had. I couldn't help but let a few tears run down my check. I cleaned them up as fast as I could to avoid Mew from noticing.

But I wasn't crying because I was sad, no. I was angry. To think that he could think that way and that he could be so closed minded to be able to say such a thing. Maybe I had made an idea of him that wasn't real.

Even though he never gave me the impression that he could be like that, he was just like everybody else I had met before. Like my school bullies, like my conservative aunt, like all the haters on the streets. A closed minded person.

"I can't leave," I said in anger, "I need to stay in school until I graduate from Julliard and even if you hate me now, I can't live the room so easily"

"But I…"

"Don't worry. As soon as I get another living arrangement I'll leave… so that you don't have to deal with my kind anymore." As I walked past him, I pushed his shoulder hard. I wanted to make him feel at least a small part of the pain I was feeling.

…..

"Are you crying Ana?," my mom asked as she walked into the room, unannounced as always.

"No, something got into my eye," I said as I put makeup on my face.

"Ok, then get dressed because we have to get to Dante's family dinner. Put on something cheerful and please change that attitude. No one likes a sad person," she said, putting a green dress on my bed for me to wear.

"Yeah, I'll be ready in a minute. Close the door please," I say as I turn off the sad music playing in my speaker and clean the inconspicuous tears that came from my eyes.

Yeah dear readers, that's how I express my pain and my tears. You will never see me cry when I'm sad, never. You will never see me show that I feel depressed or anxious.

Because to cry is to become weak and fragile, and that is something I can't afford to be. I can't be like my mother and cry 15 years for the man I love, begging him to come back, making myself look like a victim.

No, I can't do that.

So I just lock it deep inside and let someone else feel the heartbreak of my loneliness.

That's where my Maladaptive Dream comes to play. It sets me free from the guilt of crying on my own and translates the pain somewhere else. That it's what it's like to disassociate, to let Ren, not me, feel the pain. To make believe that I'm not the one that's hurting but him instead.

Yes, it's messed up. But when you do this for as long as I have, almost 22 years, it truly becomes the only way out. The only outlet for my emotions.

That is why it is so difficult to let go. Because it is the only way I know how to express myself in a "healthy" way. That's why it has become my reality and that's why I can't escape from it. No matter how hard I try.