Cold was absolutely delighted with his new body. He hadn't felt so strong and brimming with vitality since the early days of his youth. No, he was even more powerful than he was then. Vastly more. Not only that, but there was more energy brimming within him, the force of a sun churning away within him.
"Come, witness me!" King Cold declared over the ship's speakers. All of his soldiers immediately rushed into their chambers at the King's command. Most of them were seeing King Cold in his true form for the first time, and they were all taken by the unbelievable power that radiated from him.
King Cold tapped into that power, that tumultuous supernova at the core of his being.
The release of energy was awesome, it was truly a regal spectacle, as a wave of golden energy surrounded the King and incinerated all of the soldiers unfortunate enough to be standing near him. The rest of his army was still enraptured by his transformation, but they had the good sense to take a few steps back.
King Cold had finally reached the pinnacle of his evolution. His skin was gilded, and his power was simply immeasurable. He was confident that no mortal being, Super Saiyan or otherwise, could possibly stand against him now.
This called for a celebration. Cold dismissed his soldiers, and then, he depleted the ship's entire stock of alcohol. By the time he was done, he was more inebriated than he had ever been, unable to form a complete thought, much less a coherent sentence.
And he had enough raw power to incinerate a galaxy in an instant.
Everything was perfect.
"Hokay, smurf buddy. Ya know 'bout that lazer plan, right?" King Cold, clearly drunk, was inside his spaceship with a fleet of his remaining soldiers stuffed inside. On his left was Ginyu, behind him was Shisami and on his right was Sorbet. The latter was looking down, figuratively, and literally. "Lil buddy?" The king splashed a little wine from his glass onto Sorbet.
This got the commander to notice his leader. "Oh. Yes. Blast them with my laser when they're off guard." He looked down again, thinking for a moment. "When did you come up with that plan again?"
The king took another swig from his glass. "Fuhive minutes ago."
"Yes." He spectated the drunk drinking even more wine. "I should have known." Sorbet looked at the close approaching Earth and started to shake. What was he thinking, going out to die on this planet of super-warriors? Wait...on the planet. The planet. Yes, that was his ticket out! "Um, my lord," - he strained, struggling to give any sort of accolade - "didn't you say that we should blow the planet up before they tried to kill us?"
The tyrant put his finger on his lip, pouring the rest of his wine onto Ginyu with his other hand. He waved it at his advisor. "Naw. This is a much better idea! Like a candle shinin' while the sun is shinin', it's useless tah have both, but man is it nice to see the candle get put out in person."
At this moment the muppet man knew he could only rely on Shisami to make sure he wouldn't face his end on this planet. He sighed and nodded at his boss' crazy ramblings. "Of course."
The overlord threw his glass at the window displaying Earth and swirled his finger around the planet. "Onwurds, me mateys! Yo ho and away!"
They had landed on an island and the soldiers flew out of the ship, desperate to get fresh air after being crammed into the ship. Then, the tyrant flew up, spinning in circles, with his right-hand men following under him. Ginyu applauded his master's graceful flying. "Bravo, my king! Bravo!"
He bowed. "Thank you! Thank you! Now we wait fer those Alphabet Battlers to come."
"Hey!" The king looked down at the person who shouted at him. It was a young man, with relatively long hair. He wore a shirt with green sleeves, with the rest being white and housing the word "MIR" on it. He wore blue jeans as well. Ginyu found them to be quite stylish. The stranger flew up to Cold's level.
"Who thuh heck are you?"
"17. This is my park. Now, who are you?"
The king buffed his body up, standing proud. "I'm thuh king of thuh universe! And I'm here tah conquer your planet!"
The park ranger glared at him. "Are you going to destroy my park?"
"Uhhh...no, jus takin' thuh planet."
17's eyes lit up a little. "Oh, okay. Then you can do whatever you want. As long as you don't touch my island, you'll be fine." With a hand raised, indicating the end of their pleasantries, he descended back to his island.
Ginyu's mouth was agape. "Hey! You can't speak to the king that wa-"
The emperor clapped. "Alright guys, let's head thuh ship somewhere else. Hooray!" The soldiers reluctantly crammed back into the ship, while his top three soldiers followed him back into the control room (though Sorbet was also quite reluctant). Then off they went to another part of the world.
The ship brought them to a medium-sized island, a perfect environment for combat. King Cold stumbled out of the ship, and his most elite soldiers followed behind. There was no need to go to the Z-Fighters, they would come to him.
King Cold powered up, allowing the newfound energy to run through his body.
The Z-Fighters picked up on his familiar evil presence immediately. Piccolo, Gohan, Master Roshi, Tien, Krillin, Yamcha, and Jaco the Space Patroller all showed up to the landing site. Goku and Vegeta were absent, as they were still training with Whis.
"I-Is that Frieza?" Yamcha staggered back as he asked this to his fellow Z fighters.
"No, that's King Cold. I knew there was something weird going on…" Piccolo replied.
Krillin looked at the king, shaking at his immense energy. "B-But how did he come back? And how did he get so powerful?"
King Cold fell out of his chair, hiccuping. The defenders were now just more confused than anything as the monstrous beast staggered back up. "I'm thuh King of thuh universe and mah little buddies gots some magic balls yo. Liddle buddy got a great body that day, yessiree and he made me feel super strong!" He belched, sending a shockwave throughout the island, destroying some of the land and actually knocking the warriors back.
Bulma struggled to stand up after this shockwave, as did the fighters. "If just a gross burp like that can affect guys like Piccolo and Gohan...then Goku and Vegeta need to get here now!"
"W-what? You mean thuh Saiyans aren't here?" King Cold said. "Well, thatsh fine, I can wait."
King Cold politely sat down in the dirt, as he waited for the Saiyan warriors to arrive. Sorbet winced as he did this.
"Is he...serious?" Tien asked, puzzled at the king's apparent restraint.
"I dunno," Yamcha said. "But if he says he's willing to wait, I'll take his word for it."
The confused Z-Fighters simply stood around, waiting along with King Cold. Bulma hoisted her bowl of parfait into the sky, in hopes of contacting the God of Destruction and his attendant.
"Hey, Whis! Bring Goku and Vegeta back here as soon as you can!"
"Are you sure it can't wait a little longer?" Whis said, tilting his head at the apparently casual Z-Fighters, and King Cold behind them. "It doesn't look like you're in any hurry."
"Trust me, we need them here right now. Otherwise, this'll start melting," she swayed the parfait back and forth in front of him.
Whis swirled his staff around, deep in thought before giving a small smirk. "Fine, I'll have them both back here as soon as I can."
Bulma sighed with relief, while the Z-Fighters awkwardly tried to pass time. Jaco fiddled with his blaster, Gohan wiped his glasses against his tracksuit, and Yamcha attempted to skip rocks over the vast ocean in front of them. Every time he chucked one, it sank straight down, with a disappointing 'sploosh.'
"You know, the Invasion of Xatto will always *hic* stick with me, even in my later years," King Cold said as if telling a story to a child on his lap.
"I lost many good men that day, I'll never forget Pineappel's screams as he charged bravely into that futile fight."
The Z-Fighters mostly ignored his drunken anecdote.
"Are you paying attention? This is important galactic history! Besides, it's not like you have anything better to do!"
The Z-Fighters turned to him, only half paying attention to his rambling war story.
King Cold cleared his throat. "Anyways, as I was saying. It was a long, and costly invasion, but in the end, it was worth it, as it established the Planet Trade Organization's power in the Tuthul system. Xatto was rich in resources, and the Xattoan women were surprisingly grateful towards my troops."
Master Roshi leaned forward, stroking his beard with intrigue.
"As yes, I'll never forget those lovely Xattoan women. Giant sapient sea slugs, 12 feet long. It was like heaven, gazing into their many pairs of vestigial sightless pseudo-eyes. It was a shame that poor Pineappel wasn't there to enjoy the sweetness of their viscous nasal mucus secretions."
Master Roshi was still intrigued.
"Cold, it would be prudent to eliminate these Earthlings before the Saiyans arrive," Sorbet commented.
"I have no problem with these Earthlings. Besides, their power is so insignificant, you could eliminate any one of them with a shot from your Energy Ring. Never declare an attack when it's not necessary, did Pineappel's noble death mean nothing to you?"
Sorbet sighed.
"Hey, Lord Cold, can I fight them?" Ginyu said, eager to test out Tagoma's body in combat.
"Fine," Cold conceded. "But keep some of 'em alive. The Saiyans need somethin' to fight for."
"Right!" Ginyu shouted, yanking several straws out of his pocket.
He walked over to the Earthlings and handed it to them.
"The Ginyu Force, despite currently only having one member, is all about fairness and honor in combat!" he said proudly. "So, whichever one of you pulls the shortest straw will have to fight me!"
The Z-Fighters collectively decided to play along with Ginyu's game.
They each drew a straw and did a quick comparison of length. Yamcha drew the shortest straw of the bunch. As in life, so in the game.
All of the other fighters immediately looked at Yamcha with concern.
"Psh, whatever," Yamcha said snarkily. "I'm a lot stronger than I used to be. Baseball is just as good as any training."
"Wait, baseball?" Ginyu probed. "Is that anything like Smorkball?"
Yamcha shrugged.
"You know, Smorkball. It's the most popular sport in the galaxy! You have a batter, a pitcher, four bases…"
"Yeah, that's like baseball."
"Excellent! Smorkball is my favorite game! I was regional Smorkball champion on my home planet!" Ginyu cried with delight. "I challenge you to a game of Smorkball, instead of traditional combat!"
"I accept," Yamcha announced with a grin. If there was one thing the man was confident in, aside from being able to impress Puar for as little as eating cat food, it was baseball. Ginyu extended his hand for a shake. Yamcha took his hand, and shook it, despite how concerningly sweaty it was.
The captain drew a big rectangle a couple of meters wide on the ground and summoned a ki ball. He placed the ball in the middle of the grid and then placed four other ki balls in a diamond-shaped pattern.
So ki are bases, huh? This is gonna be a piece of cake! Yamcha thought to himself. He wiped his hand to be free of Ginyu's sweat as he pulled his novelty Mr. Satan cap out of his pants with the other. He spun the hat on his fingertip and flung it onto his head, perfectly fitting at the top, rim outward-facing. Krillin and Gohan gave a brief applause; that's when Yamcha thought this was definitely his day. Realizing he didn't have a bat on hand, he assumed that he had to make one for himself, and did just that.
"Hey! No, that's cheating!" Ginyu shouted at Yamcha.
"A-Aren't we supposed to have a bat?" he looked at the Z Fighters confused. Jaco hid further behind his rock; he really wasn't looking to get involved in another Smorkball fiasco. "Wait, aren't we supposed to have a team too?"
The Namekian scowled and turned his back to Yamcha. "Like I'd ever play a ridiculous game like that…"
"Well, you seem to have fun playing with Pan," Gohan teased.
Flustered, Piccolo turned away from all his allies. "T-That's completely different!"
The leader stomped his foot into the dirt. "No, no, no! You don't understand the rules of Smorkball at all! It's a glorious one on one match with no handicaps to start with! You can't use a bat yet!"
Reluctant, Yamcha dissipated his bat with a slight shrug. Ginyu was relieved and grabbed the ki ball in the middle. "Alright! Let's start!" He tossed the ball at the warrior.
Quickly, Yamcha sent out an airwave at the blast sending it flying in the air. He was about to run when Ginyu smacked him into the ground. The Z Fighters quickly turned, surprised. Yamcha slowly got up, staggered. "H-Hey! Foul, foul!"
The Smorkball expert wagged his finger, punctuated with a "tut tut tut". He pulled out a guide from his armor, flipped the pages, and started reading. "It says right here in Article 138, Lines 28 - 33: 'If a Smorkball opponent hits the ball with a gust of wind and hits it to the left of base number two, and they do not bawk like a space chicken, a person can intercept and hit the opponent. If the victim falls over, the person who hit them gets 5 points. If they call foul, the person who hit them, instead, gets 8 points for their opponent not following the rules." He snapped the book shut.
"That's not fair! This game is rigged!"
Ginyu stepped back, appalled by this statement. "Why, I have never met such a rude Smorkball combatant in my entire life! Well, besides the battle in Age 650 against General Guck. He didn't break any rules, but he was a sly little bugger. Using the Turkey Clause? Bah! Everyone should know that rule has been seen as unscrupulous since the Great Rule Purge of Age 635! Without the V Formation in place, the Turkey Clause had no checks against it. Disgusting that play was, yessir it was."
He nodded to himself while Yamcha angrily stomped back to the pitcher's base. "Whatever. This game is totally bogus."
Ginyu smirked, winking and pointing one of his fingers out. "Ah! I see now! You've been using the 'Pity Play' maneuver! Since I'm such a fair team player, I allow this to take effect! You now get 6 points!"
Although immensely confused, Yamcha smirked back. "Thanks...I guess."
"However!" Ginyu interrupted, grabbing the three 'bases' and tossing them into the air as he laughed ecstatically. "I play the 'Floating Cherry Bomb' card!" he proclaimed as he took out a card from his armor and tossed it on the ground.
A Frieza soldier, somehow following the rules of this crazy game, retorted: "The Floating Cherry Bomb card?! I thought those were put out of commission years ago!"
The sportsman chuckled. "While the first edition of the 'Floating Cherry Bomb' card was indeed banned from competitive play...I have the rare second edition 'Floating Cherry Bomb' card!"
His subordinates 'oohed' and 'aahed' and clapped extensively, especially Shisami. The expert Smorkball player pointed at Yamcha. "Such a feeble opponent can't counter something such as the 'Floating Cherry Bomb' card! This game is already finished!"
"What's a 'Floating Cherry Bomb'?" Yamcha shouted.
He chuckled again. "As I am a merciful opponent, I shall tell you! The 'Floating Cherry Bomb' card makes it so that any energy bases left in the air explode, making it so the game automatically ends! Since I already have 8 points and you only have 6, I've already won!" The ki bases in the air were glowing a bright yellow.
Desperately, Yamcha flew up to the bases, in hopes of throwing one of them back down to the ground, to prevent this arbitrary rule from occurring. He grabbed all three of the bases and formed them into one, but he was too late - the blast exploded in his face. The warrior spiraled down to the ground, despite his attempts to slow down, landing directly on the home base. It too then exploded as Yamcha laid, sprawled out on the ground and almost dead, his Mr. Satan memorabilia daintily landing on his left foot.
"Yamcha!" Krillin was about to run out to help out his friend when Ginyu shouted out.
"I can't believe it! You successfully pulled off the 'Quadruple Base Elimination' technique!"
The Z Fighter, almost unconscious, was able to sputter, "W-What's that?"
"The 'Quadruple Base Elimination' technique was a sacred attack, only able to be masterfully pulled off by the greatest of Smorkball players! Spurty! Murhant! Guacano! Only those three masters were able to accomplish such a feat! You automatically win, good sir! Bravo, bravo!"
He started clapping, along with the other Frieza soldiers. Shisami was crying tears of joy, wiping his face with Sorbet's cape, who had his palm firmly planted on his face. Truly, a most historic event. Krillin gave Yamcha a Senzu bean just as he was about to pass out.
"Really, I won?" Yamcha said, as soon as the Senzu entered his system and kept him from falling unconscious. Yamcha's life was nothing but a series of increasingly tragic losses. He was, in the purest sense, a loser, in that he lost at nearly everything. Even the baseball games he won had a sort of cruel emptiness to them, as Yamcha knew how much stronger he was than his ordinary opponents.
But this was real. Despite the absurdity of the game, and the arbitrary nature of its rules, Yamcha had finally won something against someone stronger than him. And nobody could take that away from him.
Except for Ginyu, who could quite literally take it away from him, and was currently in the process of doing so.
"Change now!" he declared heartily. "I must have the body! The greatest Smorkball player in the universe will serve my Lord Cold well!"
"Oh, come on!" Yamcha said. In truth, he should've expected this. Yamcha's life was a pitiful combination of a tragedy and a farce that was funny to everyone but himself.
Yamcha was taken out of his body and forced into Ginyu's. Although, it wasn't technically Ginyu's body either, but that is irrelevant. Someone's body is only theirs by virtue of their occupation of it. We are our consciousness, and nothing else. And yet, our consciousness is also bound to our body, to our brains. Therefore, to love yourself, and your thoughts, and your mind, you must love yourself completely, not only your brain, the origin of yourself, but your skin, and everything beneath it, as they are as much a part of us as the things we once concerned with the human soul.
The shock of entering a new body made Yamcha immediately nauseous. Yamcha was unable to stave off the nausea, and so, he vomited, which was extra gross because it was someone else's vomit that he could taste as it came out of his mouth.
"This may be one of my best bodies ever! It's like every inch was perfectly designed to play Smorkball at peak performance!" Ginyu exclaimed.
There was a cruel irony to this, as this was the first time in years that someone genuinely loved and valued Yamcha's body. Yamcha would've preferred it if it was a woman though. It'd be especially good if she had blue hair, or perhaps violet.
"Ah, wait," Ginyu said. He stopped striking valiant poses in Yamcha's body. "Nevermind, I don't want this one. It's all full of sadness and disease. Change now!"
Ginyu promptly changed back into the body he was previously occupying.
"Wait, what disease?" Yamcha questioned, laying his head down and sighing.
King Cold yawned a kingly yawn and quickly shot a Death Beam through Yamcha, killing him instantly. Everyone on the battlefield was shocked. As everyone ran back once again to their fallen friend, Ginyu turned to his master. "Were you not pleased with our game, King Cold? If so, I humbly apologize for wasting your time. I shall do the dance of disappointment!"
Ginyu then hunched his back down and swayed his arms from side to side, walking in a circle. Occasionally, he did a little butt shake.
The king waved his hand back and forth to his subordinate. "Naw, naw, you were good, Ginyu. I just was just gettin' bored of these guys. Like, they're juss standin' around doin' nothin' and I wanna help them do somethin', ya know? Alphabet guys should at least say their ABC's, ya get me?" He belched multiple times throughout his ramblings, the wafts of air emanating onto poor Yamcha's corpse.