A Chipmunk in the Birdfeeder

by Moira Colleen

A parody of songs from A Fiddler on the Roof, for the animals in my yard. I saw a chipmunk climb the pole into one of our birdfeeders yesterday, and this just sort of happened. Our current chipmunks don't have names, so we'll just call our narrator "Tevye" and be done with it, but Davey and Dizzy were two real chipmunks who lived here years ago.

2. If I Were a Blue Jay

[SPARROW]

Oh, Lord, you made so many little sparrows! I realize, of course, that it's no shame to be a sparrow, but it's no great honor, either! So, what would have been so terrible if I had been a blue jay?

If I were a blue jay

[WHISTLING MELODY]

All day long, I'd chatter in the trees

if I were a blue jay

Fill my beak with peanuts

[WHISTLING MELODY]

If I were an iridescent bitch

shiny, crested, corvid kind of bird

I'd build a great big nest

with room for a dozen

up in the neighbors' apple tree

sturdy twigs and soft hair from humans' dogs

I'd build a little annex

just for my mate

and one slightly larger just for me

and one more for the babies

should they fight

If I were a blue jay

[WHISTLING MELODY]

All day long, I'd chatter in the trees

if I were a blue jay

Fill my beak with peanuts

[WHISTLING MELODY]

If I were an iridescent bitch

shiny, crested, corvid kind of bird

I'd fill my gizzard with seeds and beetles and nuts and berries

to feed my little ones

growing bigger as quickly as they can

and every 'chirp' and 'squawk' and 'twitter' and 'squeak'

would give my family away

as if to say, 'here live the blue jays!'

I'd see my chicks, my fledglings

looking like a blue jay's chicks

with their pretty striped wings

eating nuts and bugs to their hearts' delight

I'd see them squawking at titmice

and strutting 'round like pigeons

oh, what a happy mother's sight

screeching at the squirrels day and night

The pileated woodpeckers would come to visit me

they would ask me to advise them

like the great horned owl

'If you please, mistress blue jay'

'Pardon me, mistress blue jay'

Asking questions that would make an eagle fall

[WHISTLING MELODY]

And it won't make one bit of difference

if I answer 'yes' or 'no'

When you're a jay

they respect you either way

If I were a jay, I'd have the authority I lack to eat at the feeders every day

and maybe have a perch on the retaining wall

and I'd discuss child-rearing with the ravens, but in the special corvid way

and that would be the biggest thrill of all

If I were a blue jay

[WHISTLING MELODY]

All day long, I'd chatter in the trees

if I were a blue jay

Eat up all the peanuts

[WHISTLING MELODY]

God, who made the nighttime and the day

You decreed that colors have I nay

Don't you think I would have had a better day

if I were a blue jay?