Dear Britt,
So high school is not that bad, so far. I know we're only a couple months in, but things could be a lot worse. We're in a bunch of classes together and I'm popular and I'm getting good grades. Already me and you and Quinn are making our own reputation.
The Cheerios is great. We're fantastic, even if our football team is not. Coach's diet is making me feel great, and to look even better, I'm even skipping out on some of those meals, if you could even call them that. Don't worry, I'm feeling fine.
One plus to high school is that we have actual Spanish classes. The ones in middle school were barely even basic vocabulary. Seeing that I'm all but fluent, Spanish 1 is a breeze. The only reason I'm in that class is because I know that you have trouble with words, and the words being in a different language does not help at all.
I hear them all talk about you Britt, and I know that you do to. You're not stupid, B. You're a genius. And I'll never let you forget it. They just can't see that, and I'd fight them until they do, but I know you don't believe in violence. If they only knew how smart you are.
With love, San
XXX
Dear Britt,
There was a moment, and I know it sounds dramatic, but I think my life changed. We were in the locker room after Cheerios practice. It was just us. You looked over at me and you just smiled. I couldn't help but smile back.
With love, San
XXX
Dear Britt,
We officially survived our first year of high school. I don't know, I expected it to be different, I guess. I got A's in all my classes and we won the Cheerleading National Championship and I'm popular and people both fear and love me, but it felt like it wasn't real. Do you ever feel that? I know it was me, I did all those things, but I don't really remember all of it, and from what I do remember, it felt like I was just going through the motions. It felt like something was missing, but I have no idea what.
But I'm fine. I compartmentalize and repress all my issues, you could say I'm really good at it. I know it's an issue, but I will continue to ignore that for the moment. I'm more worried about you, Britt, honestly.
You can't listen to them. You say that the shit they all say doesn't bother you, and that may fool everyone else, but I know you better than that. I hate that word. "Stupid." No one's stupid, especially not you. You're a genius, B. You and I are in the top classes and despite what everyone thinks you're not the "dumb blonde" or the "ditzy cheerleader." You're amazing and creative and witty and smart and the best dancer I know and, most importantly, my best friend.
With love, San
XXX
Dear B,
So. Um. Yeah.
Neither of us is gonna die a virgin. Thank god.
Last night with you, um, I don't even know where to begin. Well I guess it started with us practicing kissing again. And then one of pushed further and the other complied. I don't remember which one of us decided to fully cross that line we've been toeing, but I'm glad the other agreed.
I know people say that their first time is awful and that they regret it, but B, it was perfect. I wouldn't change a thing.
I've never felt so loved and so cared for. Being with you felt so right, but my whole life I've been told that it's so wrong. I just find that so hard to believe. If us being together isn't right, then I don't know what could be. The more I think about it, the more I know what the answer is.
Britt, I think I love you.
Not because of last night, although it did help, but because of how you make me a better person and I like being around you and you're always there for me and I'd do anything for you. When I'm around you, my heart can't decide if it wants to stop or beat way too fast. All those sayings about being in love, yeah, they're all true. I think it's something I've always known, but never could trust myself to say.
So, no, Britt, I know I love you.
But I'm not allowed to. I can't let myself love you. Everyone says it's wrong. I can only tell you I love you here, because here, me and this journal-version of you are safe. I'll love you in secret until I can love you in front of the whole world. I want to protect you from everything and the world and what it has to say. You are everything to me and I love you.
I could get used to saying that.
I love you, Britt.
With love, San x
XXX
Dear Britt,
So a lot more has happened than last year, and we're only going into winter break next week. It started out normal, with me and you and Q at the top of the social and Cheerios pyramids. Then she asked us to be spies for the dumb Glee club. I won't admit it out loud, but I love singing, and I'm pretty good at it, too. And fuck, Britt, you're a dancer, no doubt about it. Being in Glee is bad, but it's a lot better than I thought. Plus, winning Sectionals does help.
After that thing that happened this summer, I thought our relationship would be weird. I don't know if it's a direct result, but now I think we both have pretty casual relationships with sex. We also were good cheerleaders who found our football player boyfriends. The weird friends-with-benefits plus having boyfriends thing might not work for a lot of people, but we're making it work. Don't worry, I'm not sleeping with Matt, and I doubt you're sleeping with Mike.
I felt like a normal high schooler in a normal school year, but that changes when you find out one of your best friends is pregnant at 16. Sorry, Q, but pregnant in the Glee club is not a recipe for popularity or success.
I really thought things we're gonna go to hell when you told some of those dweebs that we're sleeping together, no matter how casual it is. But I think they're too scarred of us to say anything about it. Plus, I know that sleeping with you when I love you but calling it casual is a nightmare. I don't need some nerds and a diva and the token gay kid reminding me. Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
With love, San
XXX
Dear Britt,
How does it feel going 2 for 2 in Cheerleading National Championships? Because I'm feeling great. I know we didn't win Regionals for Glee, but you can't win them all, I guess. I'm upset, but not devastated. Glee is fine, but don't tell anyone, because I think I'm liking it more and more. But I don't know if it's because of Glee itself, or spending more time with you.
I've come to realize that I love performing. I really do love singing, and I think that thing that was missing from my life last year was music. So I guess I do have Glee to thank for that.
This year was good overall. I think. I might be repressing a lot of it, but that's not what we're talking about right now. I do think that Coach's diet is really working for me. I love walking down the halls with your pinky in mine and feeling everyone being intimidated by us. That's nice.
I broke up with Matt a few weeks ago. He's leaving Lima anyway. I happened to notice that you and Mike broke up around that time, too. Coincidence?
B, we're halfway done with high school. That's actually crazy. I have no idea what I want to do with my life or anything after graduation. But I do know I want you in my life. I don't care how, you're just really important to me and one day I'll tell you how I really feel, I swear. I promise you, Britt, I'll be brave for you. One day.
With love, San
XXX
Dear Britt,
So like, this summer has also been, um, different.
I slept with Puck. I know. It sounds bad. It kinda was. Definitely not as good as you.
I know we didn't spend a lot of time together this summer. Besides Cheerios camp, I know we didn't really see each other. And I know when you're not around, I tend to do stupid things. Like sleep with Puck.
School's starting soon, and I'm only going to tell you that I'm kind of looking forward to it because of Glee. I feel like this year will be good.
Junior year is a big one. I'm looking forward to getting out of Lima, but I'm scared for college. I'm not too worried about getting into a college, I'm doing really well in my classes.
But you, I see you struggling. You are so stubborn and you let your pride get in your way, but I love you for it anyway. Everyone calls you stupid, and I know you're not. But too many people called you it and I know you're starting to believe it. You're a genius. I'll tell you forever.
With love, San
XXX
Dear Britt,
It's only the first day at school and I've already been assaulted. The audacity. I can't believe Quinn told Coach Sylvester about my summer surgery. I'm in shock. A loss for words. That bitch. She told her for what? And now she's the Captain of the Cheerios? My position? Ridiculous.
Britt, I don't even know why I did it in the first place. The boob job, that is. I know you like it, but, I mean to be fair, that is a fair reason for me to do anything.
This year's not exactly going how I thought it would, but hopefully it only gets better from here.
With love, San
PS: I don't trust Sam. I don't like him. I don't know why.
XXX
Dear Britt,
I have to say, I'm happy I was right. This week has been, um, significantly better than last week. It's Britney Week, Bitch. And you fucking crushed it. Hell, that "Me Against the Music" hallucination? Fucking amazing.
Next time I have an actual normal conversation with my estranged father, I'll be sure to ask for some of that shit. Because before everything, including being my father, that man is a doctor. I'd do most legal things to be able to have another Britney hallucination/dream thing. Especially one with you. And even more especially one with you looking like that.
With love, San
XXX
Dear Britt,
I lied. I was making out with you because I'm in love with you.
With love, San
XXX
Dear Britt,
I can't believe it. Believe what you may ask? Well, a lot of things.
I can't believe we won Sectionals. I was not surprised at all that you, and Boy Chang, too, got the most applause. That was the best performance of "Valerie" that Ohio's ever seen. God damn.
I can't believe you're dating Wheels. I'm jealous, I know, even though I tell you that I'm not. It just hurts a little. Okay, a lot. I'm mad at myself because I'm sorry I'm not brave enough to tell the whole world I love you.
I can't believe that Puck made out with the Hobbit. That hurts less because it's Puck and I'm not really surprised.
I can't believe that I literally was the only single person at Burt and Carole's wedding. That's ridiculous. I'm hot as hell, and even though the person I really wanted to go with is dating someone else, I should have still been able to pick up some arm candy. Right? Anyway, I'm over that.
I can't believe it's almost Christmas. This year is slipping by, and high school is almost done. I just have to hold on a little longer. I'll be okay. I have to be.
With love, San
XXX
Dear Britt,
Glee better be worth it. Because if not, me, you, and Q just quit Cheerios for nothing. But, I mean, Coach wanted to shoot you out of a cannon. Don't worry, if it really came down to it, I would never let her do it. We literally carried the Cheerios (except when I was at the top of the pyramid) because without us, look how they did. Sue Sylvester: Loser of the Year.
I don't know who I am without the Cheerios. I thought it was bad when I was stripped as captain, but not being on the team at all is weird. Now everyone knows me as a Gleek and not as the smokin' hot bitch on the top of the pyramid. Ew.
Listen, I know I shouldn't have given Q and Finnocence mono, but I'm the hottest person in this damn school, and I'm single on Valentine's Day. Again. Bullshit. Am I jealous of you and Wheels? Yes. I just think you can do much better than him. Actually, I know you can because I'm right here. I know I started dating Sam. He's dumb and a dumb boy though. And he's not you.
Do I even have to mention the train wreck of a shit show that is a house party at Rachel Berry's? You were there. I don't need to go into it. You know what happened. I wish it didn't, but it's a bit late for than now. I know how you feel about jealous me.
With love, San
XXX
Dear B,
I love you. I told you I love you. I told you I love you in person. In real life.
You told me you love me back. But you're still dating Wheels. He's just a stupid boy. And I know I'm technically dating Trouty. But he's also just a dumb boy. But you told me you love me.
I love you so much it hurts. It hurts so much.
You know I'm not really mad at you. I'm mad at me. For not being brave enough to tell the whole world I love you, Brittany S Pierce.
I hope you're not mad at me. You know how I get when I'm mad. I ice people out. I just can't really face the fact that you and I aren't together right now.
"Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you"
That's how I feel, Britt. I really do. It's not everything I feel, but for now, it's all I can say.
Britt, you've always held my heart in your hands and I'll always be yours. Proudly so.
With love, San
XXX
Dear Britt,
The last few weeks have been something else. I don't even know what to think anymore. The first couple weeks after singing Landslide were the hardest because you're my best friend and not talking to you sucks. That was hard enough on its own. But knowing that you know that I love you and that you love me and not talking to you is so much harder.
And then Berry has to go and break her nose and then we all have to convince her not to get a nose job? And that leads to Schuester's dumb shirts. You don't know how much I wanted to put that shirt on and dance with you, Britt. You don't know how much I wish that me and Karofsky didn't have to be each other's beards. How we're gonna be prom royalty. I wish it was us.
And I know, I know, I know that you knew what you were doing on Fondue for Two. I also know that you didn't want to out me on that show. But people don't understand you like I do, and that's their fault. I just wish that I could be as brave as you are. You're a genius, Britt.
I heard you dumped Wheels. I heard why, too. I know you're not stupid, B. You have to stop dumbing yourself down just because that's what everyone thinks of you. We both know that you were cheating on him. It's not something I'm proud of, it's not something you're proud of either. But it's still not an excuse. It's also not an excuse for him to call you stupid. You're lucky I wasn't there. He would've needed more than a wheelchair after I was done with him.
I need you to know that I meant every word of that song I sang to you. I love you, I love you, I love you, like never before.
But I couldn't come out to your show. I'm sorry.
With love, San
XXX
Dear Britt,
Things have gotten better between you and me. I know you'll always be on my side, especially after the shit with Prom. I swear to you, one day I'll be able to tell the world that you're all mine and that I am all yours. Soon, B. Just give me time.
And B, I'm not really mad at that anymore. The prom queen thing, that is. Because I am so fucking pissed at the Hobbit and Man Jugs. They had to go and ruin fucking NATIONALS for ALL of us with their heterosexuality. The Straights™ are really something.
I know I shouldn't be mad still. They're mY fAmiLy. I'm still mad. But you're right, this was about more than just winning. This year, I've learned a lot, and I have accepted myself.
My name is Santana Lopez and I'm gay. I'm gay and I am in love with you, Brittany S Pierce.
I've accepted myself, but I don't know if I'm ready to be out to everyone just yet. But I think Quinn knows. I mean, she is our best friend. I don't want to think too hard about how she knows, but years of sleepovers and Cheerios Camp leave little to the imagination.
Anyway, I have a good feeling about this summer and next year, B. And I have a really good feeling about us. Us. I like that.
With love, San
XXX
Dear B,
Thank you. Really. This has been the best summer of my life, and it's all thanks to you. I didn't know it was possible to love someone as much as I love you.
Right now, we are out own little bubble. When I'm with you, I'm so at peace and I've never felt so loved. I love the ways for hold me and touch me and talk to me and keep me safe. It's perfect, and I don't want to let everyone else into the bubble just yet. Soon, I promise, I'll be out and proud and everyone will know that I'm in love with you. Then it'll be you and me against the world. Just like it always has been and just like it always will be. Me and you. Forever.
I'm ready for whatever the world throws at me this year and forever because of you and you being at my side.
With love, San
XXX
Dear Britt,
Today I'm gonna talk about like three things. Me and you and Q.
First, of course, you. I love you. I'll never get tired of saying it. Our summer bubble has floated through the beginning of the school year. I think I was put of this earth to love you. You're everything to me and I'm so fucking proud of you. I wish I could be as brave as you, just being casual about you being bi. Just dropping it in in conversation. B, I know you know that bisexual and bilingual are different things, and just because you're both, does not mean you can interchange them solely to confuse other people. I mean it's funny, don't get me wrong. I think you're hilarious, you know that. I also think you are the most competent person to run for freaking Senior Class President. I could deal with being the First Lady of McKinley. I like that. You are amazing, Britt. You could do literally anything you set your mind to.
And on the other hand, the skank. I know it's partly our fault that Quinn turned into that. I know our summer bubble was perfect, but letting no one in was also keeping everyone else out. Including our best friend. We didn't mean to ignore her, but we did. I did some reading, and I think she might have postpartum depression. My dad's a doctor, remember? I want to help her, I really do. For as much as we hate each other, she's still my best friend and I care about her. But, she did get me kicked out of Glee, so...
Speaking of, that's two years in a row me and Q are starting out strong with an issue. First the summer surgery confrontation, then this? Ridiculous. I like Glee. Kind of an embarrassing amount, and that hurt. But that's on me, I should know better than to get too comfortable with Schuester. I don't know, Wheezy might have the right idea. A different Glee club is kinda looking up. I know I'm technically back in the New Directions, but god, I hate being backup to Berry. Plus, I only care about like 3 people in Glee, the first has pink hair and a Ryan Seacrest tattoo, the other just left the club for a rival one, and I'm in love with the third.
Also, I'm looking forward to West Side Story. I mean, who else was gonna get Anita? I'm gonna crush senior year. We're gonna crush senior year. We got this.
With love, San
XXX
Dear Britt,
You make me so happy. I can't stop smiling. Why? That's easy. You're my girlfriend.
For so long, we've danced around labels and feelings and each other, but now it's all on the table. We're dating. You're my girlfriend and I'm yours. And all it took was that little green leprechaun that's living in your house. Also, for your information, he has a crush on you. But you have a girlfriend!, and she gets jealous easily. She's not proud of it, but there's gonna be a lot of people who wish they were dating you, and your girlfriend! is still in shock that you picked her to date.
And now officially, we've left the New Directions. I mean, we do have Sugar, but with me and you and Mercedes, those nerds don't even have a chance. It's their loss. We took literally all the talent. If we lose, I swear, it's rigged. Troubletones over Nude Erections any day.
I'm sorry that the beached whale named Finn Hudson can't keep his giant mouth shut. No one should ever, ever, call you stupid, but especially not him. Good riddance to him and Berry and Shue and the New fucking Directions.
With love, your girlfriend!, Tana
XXX
Dear Britt,
I can't breathe. I'm shaking. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Ohmygod. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod.
I don't know what do. I'm so scared. I'm so mad. I'm so angry. I'm gonna cry.
Britt, I was so close. You know I was. I was this ready to tell the whole world I'm in love with you. And he took that from me. Because of dumb Finn Hudson, everyone is gonna know that I'm gay and I hate him for that. That is supposed to be mine to tell. And he took that. Now everyone is gonna be able to judge me before I can even introduce myself.
I don't even know what to do. My heart feels like it's falling out of my chest.
Please just tell me that you'll be here when I wake up. I understand if you don't. Because he didn't just out me, he outed you, too, essentially. I get if you want to walk away while you still can. But I can't promise that I'll still be here if you do. This hurts so much and that's the only way for the pain to end.
You are everything to me. Please Britt, just keep holding me a little longer. I'm trying to be brave. I'm trying to be brave like you. I'm trying. But I don't know how much longer I can try.
With love, Santana
XXX
Dear Britt,
I woke up, and you're still holding me. I woke up and there's mascara stains on both of our faces. But you're still here. I woke up and my heart is still beating too fast. But your hand's in mine. I woke up to my worst nightmare. But you're on my side. I woke up to being outed to everyone. But you stayed.
I'm still breathing. I'm still here. I'm still alive. You're worth it all, B. We can do it. I can do it. For you.
I love you.
With love, San
XXX
Dear B,
This sucks. It's hard to be brave when the school treats Finn as the victim and me as the villain. Why does he get credit for singing me a song when I'm gonna be outed to all of Ohio? It's not fair. Why does he think he's the hero for making sure I don't get suspended for slapping him? I will take full responsibility if that means he has to deal with even one consequence for outing me. It's not even like he did it out of the good of his heart, he did it to blackmail me. That's sick and that's cruel. Everyone's so focused on him when I'm the one who's suffering from his actions. The bare fucking minimum is all I'm asking for. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think so.
And this is only at school. Fuck. Britt, it only got worse.
I actually got my father in the same room as me and my mom. That was the only miracle that night. You know my father. You know how he is. I told them everything that happened: the outing, the slap, the commercial. I told them I'm a lesbian. That I like girls, but only in love with one. I told them I'm in love with my best friend, my favorite person, and the love of my life. I told them I'm in love with you, Brittany S Pierce.
And you know what my father said? He was silent for what felt like forever, and he said, "that's it? I thought you were better than that." He looked at me and my mom and then got up and then left. I don't think I will be hearing from him for a really long time. And I don't want to.
But my mom, oh my mom. She said, "I'm sorry, mija." And she came and gave me a hug. We were both crying. We sat on the floor just hugging and crying for so long. Then she said, "I love you Santanita and I'm so proud of you." And I started crying again.
The next thing I remember was waking up in my room, and my mom said that she called my father. All that son of a bitch said was that I'm not his daughter. Not anymore. He couldn't even disown me in person. Am I that much of a disappointment? At least when my parents got divorced, my father couldn't be bothered to take care of me at all, and that means he can't take back the money that he already gave to me.
Britt, would you believe me if I said that it gets even worse from here.
You know how much I love my abuela. But my father is his mother's son. Oh, I wanted her to accept me, or even tolerate me. But I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up too high. I really thought that she would understand love. I told her how much love I feel when I'm with you and how I love you but she wouldn't have any of it. What can you expect from someone who called you "cara de basura" for 5 years and convinced everyone, including yourself, your middle name is "Diabla." After my parents got divorced, you know, I would still see her sometimes. The divorce was messy, but she would still make sure that we all had Christmas dinner, even though my father picked up extra shifts all through the holidays every year.
It hurts so much, Britt. I lost so much. But, I have one thing that outweighs it all. And it's you.
It can only go up from here, right? Right? Please, let me be right, just once.
With love, San
XXX
Dear Britt,
I've been so caught up in my shit and the hell that way "Lady Music Week" or whatever that I haven't even fully congratulated you. So this letter will be fully about you, President Pierce.
Don't worry, I take my position as First Lady very seriously. No one will mess with you because they'll have to go through me first. And with everything I've just been through, I'm not taking shit from anyone.
I'm so proud of you. You don't even know. You are gonna do amazing things for this school. McKinley doesn't deserve you. I feel better now just knowing that you're the most powerful student here.
Now is the part where I just talk about you and how much I love you and thank you for staying with me through what is the worst week of my life.
I'm slowly recovering from everything that just happened. Really, I'm still in shock. But, there's nothing more really I can do. I know my mom was fuming at the ad, as she should be, and her and Sue and Burt tried to get it off the air because it was an awful invasion of privacy of a minor. They did, but it was too late. It was already being shown for a week to all of Ohio. So now whenever people see me, the first thing they will think is "lesbian." It's true, but it's not my choice to be out to all of Ohio.
I've been so focused me and how it has affected me, but this affects you, too. You've always been more open with your sexuality, I've always been jealous of that. But you've never officially come out, right? You told me your parents weren't really surprised, but your sister was so happy. I'm sorry I couldn't have been there with you. We'll have to have dinner together soon with your parents and Ashley and my mom. I think that would be good for all of us.
Things are returning to normal. Well, as normal as they can be. You know, with the Troubletones getting completely robbed at Sectionals. There's no way the judges saw us against the Shue's club and said "wow, the New Directions are a better team." Like there's no way. I'm over it, I guess, because Glee club sectionals seems so menial compared to everything else that happened. But, thank god for Quinn Fabray. At least we can still perform with them. It's better than nothing, but I will stand up for myself because I'm not playing backup to everyone else.
You know, I've decided that all I want for Christmas is one day of peace, with you and the people that love me. That's all I can hope for.
I love you, Britt. So much. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. Please never forget that.
With love, San
XXX
Dear B,
Happy Valentine's Day, my sweet girl. I always hated Valentine's Day because it just reminded me of all the things I couldn't have and all the broken relationships in my life. But, this year, this has been the best day ever. You made me the sweetest playlist ever, and you know I've listened to it so many times already. It's not a forgettable playlist, and I'm gonna listen to it forever.
Britt, we've come so far. It was only a few months ago that I was outed, I know it hasn't been easy, but I feel that I've fully accepted to call you my girlfriend. I get so happy every time I get to call you that. You have no idea. Well, I guess you might have some idea.
I don't think you're reading over my shoulder anymore. Actually, I know you're not because you fell asleep and you're on top of my legs and my legs are definitely falling asleep.
I don't know what people thought we did after Sugar's party, but I don't think you spooning me while we watch the whole Bring it On trilogy was at the top of their lists. Don't get me wrong, we had some awesome VDay lady loving sex first, though.
And I know I'll make fun of you in the morning for falling asleep after all that while we dance around the kitchen making heart-shaped pancakes with me only wearing your too-big sweatshirt that smells like you and you in the duck-decorated underwear I know you love. And you'll say something back like "hey, it's tiring doing all the work while you just lie there" and I'll look scandalized pretending that you're wrong. And you'll come over and kiss me slowly until we remember the pancakes because they'll be burning, but we eat them anyway. And I'll flick whipped cream at you and it'll turn into a full-out war until we're both way too sticky, meaning we'll have to shower. And you'll suggest we do it together "to save water" but end up taking twice the time. And we'll spend the rest of the day together, just being at peace around each other.
I can't wait for tomorrow and every day and every year after that until forever. We're gonna make it. I can see it now.
With love, Tana
XXX
Dear Britt,
I'm never going to be able to forget the look you gave me after the Karofsky news broke. Your usually bright eyes looked so broken and there was so much fear in them. I saw the way you took a breath and braced yourself while you asked me a question you didn't want to know the answer to.
"Did you ever think about it? About doing what Dave tried?"
Oh, Britt. I told you no, but it was a lie, and we both knew I was lying. So here, I'll tell you the truth. I thought about it once and only once.
I was in the bathroom after I ran out of Sue's office after she told me about the ad. I was on the floor, crying. I may not actually keep razor blades in my hair, but I do have them in my backpack. You know how Quinn was the one to find me in there? Well, she found my crying on the floor of the bathroom, alone, with razor blades in my hands and my arms bleeding after just finding out that I was to be outed to the entire state of Ohio and there was nothing I could do about it. I know what you're thinking, and I need you to know that my arms bleeding was an accident. For the most part. The the thing that snapped me out of the state I was in was you.
It took one thought of you, and I no longer wanted to die. It was the thought of someone having to tell you what happened. Or worse, you being the one that found me, not Q. And then the thought that I wouldn't have been able to say goodbye to you. And then the thought of the life that we're supposed to live together. Britt, you saved my life. You've saved my life so many times, you can't even know.
I don't want to live a life without you. And I swear to you, B, you'll never have to live without me if I can help it. That is, if you'll have me and want me in your life. I hope you do, because you can't get rid of me that easily.
That alone is more that enough close calls to deaths of teenagers that this dumb town should have to deal with for a while. But, here we are. Facing death again.
As I write this, you're sitting beside our best friend, who's lying in a hospital bed. Again. I know Q gets on my nerves, but she's my best friend, besides you, of course. I don't want to live without her, like I can't live without you.
I know this is not the place to get mad at Berry and her chosen groom, but when has that ever stopped me. So now I'll be mad at heteronormativity and society and men and straight men and straight white men because it's not fair. None of this is fair.
Quinn's waking up now so I'll wrap this up and blame society later. But when we get married, B, I'll make sure Quinn is nowhere close to a car to text and drive in because there is no way Quinn Fabray will be the one to delay our wedding. And if by some grace of god she does, I swear I will never let her forget it, I don't care how nice her Maid of Honor speech is.
With love, San
XXX
Dear B,
Ok, you made your point. You can drop the act now. I know you didn't actually post our sex tape on the internet. Rationally, I know you would never actually do that, you'd never betray my trust like that. Plus, it technically is child porn. Anyway, I don't know how many people you got in on the ruse, but it worked, ok? I get it.
You know me better than I do. You know that I care what other people think and that I want to be successful for something that I like doing. But all this talk about college has me freaked out.
All my life, I've thought I wanted to be a doctor. You know, I volunteered at the hospital and I do well in school. But recently I've realized that I only wanted to be a doctor because I thought that maybe then my father would like me more or spend more time with me or whatever. I don't know.
I've been spending a lot of time thinking. About the future, about us. I really like performing, I love singing. I like writing. I've learned that through all these damn letters I've written to you. I don't know if I can make a career of any of that, but I think I might want to give it a try. I don't know how, though.
But maybe, you know, my calling will be being a cheerleader in Kentucky. I love you so much for that, for taking care of me. I believe in our future and maybe our future starts in Louisville.
Prom and nationals and graduation are all so soon. I don't know if I'll miss high school, but I know I can't wait for our lives to really start.
With love, San
XXX
Dear Britt,
We've been high school graduates for about five hours. No, I've been a high school graduate for about five hours. Shit, B, I don't know what to say. I'm sorry.
This year that started out good, took a really shitty turn, and then ended great. And it was because of you.
You threw the best prom this school has ever seen. Fucking dinosaurs? Genius. And we got to finally just be us and I got to dance with you in front of the whole school. We should have been Prom King and Queen, but you can blame Quinn for that one.
And then Nationals? We won. I can't believe it. It felt so great.
But Britt, you can't tell me you're not graduating in the days leading up to graduation while we're at dinner with my mother. I don't want to leave if you're not coming with me. I'm sorry that this dumb school failed you, that our teachers and coaches failed you, I'm sorry that I failed you. I feel like I was so focused on myself this year and you were, too, but that left no one to take care of you.
I don't want to go to college and start our lives if you're not there with me. We both know Kentucky is not my dream and I don't think I want to be in school anymore right now, but I think I have to go. Just until you graduate.
I know my mom gave me that New York money, but I don't feel right using it yet. I guess I'll give college a try. I can always drop out, right? Can you tell I'm freaking out inside?
We won't be apart for too long. I talked to Sue and Figgins and Ms. Pillsbury. They told me you did actually have a 0.0 GPA. They all but accused you of not trying at all. But here's the thing, to get a 0.0, you have to actively try to get every answer wrong. An I know that is exactly something you would do because I know you and I know you are scared and stubborn and I convinced them that you only have to retake your credit classes next year. I know that can't solve all the problems, but it's the least I can do after everything you did for me this year.
I'm not looking forward to being away from you, but we can do it.
I love you so much, and because of that, I know anything is possible.
With love, San x