Dear Britt,
I miss you already. We're leaving for Louisville tomorrow and this summer has gone by way too fast. I know we spent essentially every waking moment together plus all the moments after we fell asleep. I'll call you everyday. I don't know how I'll be able to fall asleep otherwise.
I know we kinda ignored the whole thing this summer, but I really feel everything looming over us now. I need you to know that you're it for me, B. I love you so much, it scares me. I don't want to ruin everything we've worked so hard for. We're doing this for us. We're gonna be okay.
It's like 4am and I really felt the need to write this. In addition, I wrote you another letter for you to read like 20 minutes ago. I see it sitting on your nightstand now. It says all the things you already know. Like how much I love you and how I can't wait for our future.
I might as well just stay awake because you told me to leave before you woke up, but I can't bring myself to get up. You've always been the morning person, so I think I have to go soon.
I love you, Brittany S Pierce.
With love, San
XXX
Dear Britt,
I heard it's Britney Week again. I wish I could be there. I also heard that you beat up JBI with an umbrella? I proud of you for that, plus he probably deserved it. Something else I heard was that Sue kicked you off the Cheerios for like all of 5 hours or something? They couldn't have lasted very long without you.
I know you're probably doing this all for a "major comeback" or something. I'm sorry that you feel the need to do that. I know you're probably feeling isolated and I'm sorry.
In the nicest way because you know I love you, you are such an Aries. I know the stereotype of the gays and astrology, but you really couldn't be anything else besides an Aries. The stars will turn in your favor soon, trust me.
Anyway, college is fine. I think I'm going to major in business or English or music performance or something. Not pre-med. The football team's okay, the cheerleaders are nice enough. I met some other lesbians, you'd be proud that I made some friends. I really miss you though, I promise I'll visit soon.
With love, Tana
XXX
Dear Brittany,
If you love someone, let them go, right?
My dad's walked out on me, my grandmother has disowned me, I've recovered from an eating disorder, I've been bullied, and I've been outed to the entire state of Ohio, and yet, breaking up with you hurt so much more than all of that. I know I said that "this wasn't and official break-up," but you're right, it really feels like one.
I know I said "energy exchange," but that's simply the dumbest thing I've ever said. I'd never cheat on you. But I think I was just looking for an excuse to stop your hurting.
But for as much as it hurts, it hurt so much more to see you struggling and feeling like you were left behind. Britt, if I know anything, I know we're meant to be together. I did this for us.
You really are the best thing that's ever been mine.
I've built my life around you. You've been part of my life for the last 12 years. I didn't know what it was like to live without you, and then I found out. And it really fucking sucks. I need to be a stronger person now, and now that's what I'll work on so I can be the best version of me for you.
If you love someone, let them go. And they'll come back if it was meant to be.
And I love you, Brittany S Pierce. So I let you go. And I hope you'll come back to me.
With love, Santana D Lopez
XXX
Dear Brittany,
So in the three times I've been back to Lima since- since my last visit- I've learned a lot.
I miss you and I miss performing. I still don't know why I- a graduate- would be allowed to be in the school musical as opposed to an actual student. Homophobia? No, wait, I'm gay, too? I don't know, but I am happy that I got to see you. You know, it's really the only reason why I agreed. I owe Finn Hudson no favors.
Thanksgiving always has been a kinda dumb holiday for a multitude of reasons. I only came back because it is my fault that my mom has no one to spend it with. It was nice doing a number with you and Q. And I have to say, Glee club really has gone down since I left and Finn became a teacher. Is that even allowed? Like, doesn't he need to have a degree or approval or something? Whatever, I forgot the world revolves around straight, white men. (Note, of those things, I am none)
I've never belonged in Lima. You know that. You actually knew that before I did. That's why you sent me to Louisville, right? I feel like I'm betraying you by saying I hated it there, but it was better than Ohio. But you're in Ohio. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea or that I could fool you with a bunch of fake cheerleaders and a fake girlfriend. Maybe it was more for myself. Since we've no longer been together, I feel like I'm losing you. Like I lost more than a girlfriend. I lost my best friend, too. I know you're dating Trouty, but I'm never gonna be able to give up on you. If it weren't for you, I would never even consider being the Cheerios coach, but if it weren't for you, I never would have found myself writing this letter on the floor of Berry and Kurt's ratchet apartment in Bushwick, New York.
Even though we don't really talk and we're not dating and we live in two different states, you're still my best friend and I feel like I should still be telling you about my life. So here I am.
With love, San
XXX
Dear Brittany,
I slept with Quinn. I needed to tell you, but I think you already knew. I didn't mean for you to, but you saw me the morning after and you know that look that I was rocking all too well.
I knew nothing good would come out of another trip to Lima, but sleeping with Quinn Fabray never even crossed my mind.
I don't know why I did it. I mean I knew Q was curious and I don't think that that girl is straight, no matter what she says, but I don't know why I decided that I was the person to go on that journey with her.
I don't know, I was alone at a wedding. Again. And you were with a boy. Again. I wished that I could have been the one dancing with you. Again. The only difference is now I know what it's like to be with you. Plus the fact that apparently you're married. Tell me why, I'm hearing about all your relationship milestones with Sam through Tina of all people.
Also, can we just take a step back and talk about that? Um, you got married, and I didn't even get to be a bridesmaid? Or even the Maid of Honor? But ideally, I really thought I'd be the bride. But really, it hurt, hearing that. I'm still not giving up on you, Britt. I know that technically you're not actually married, but the idea that given the opportunity, you'd spend the rest of your life with Sam felt like a punch to the heart.
See, I'm so in love with you, that even after hearing all of that, the thing that I take away is that I still have a chance with you. And as long as that chance exists, I'll fight for you, and even after it doesn't.
With love, San
PS: You are so much better in bed than Quinn. Obviously.
XXX
Dear Britt,
Oh my god. Please tell me you're okay. I really wish I could call you and tell you I love you without it being weird, but it is. So I'll tell you here that I love you and our phone conversation will be awkward and friendly, but still weird.
I really need to stop getting all of my Lima news from Tina, but hearing her tell me that you're safe made me cry.
I can't even imagine what it would have been like to be in your situation. You are the bravest person that I know. No child should have to go through that traumatizing experience. Especially alone in a bathroom. I'm sorry that I wasn't there. If something would have happened to you, I never wold have forgiven myself. I would've hated myself for the rest of my life if you were gone before I could tell you I love you again.
I don't know what you were thinking of during what you through could have been your last moments. I know you've always had theories for the end of the world and told me that all of them had you and me together in in the end. I always thought that, too, and you said that my Mexican Third Eye was never wrong, and I hope you're right.
But, B, more that everything, I'm so fucking thankful that you are safe. I never want to know a world without you in it.
With love, Tana
XXX
Dear Brittany,
I thought you'd like to know I danced today. I remember how happy we'd be while we danced together and I know how much you love dancing.
Kurt had a ballet thing and Rachel, of course, wanted to go, and I guess I did, too. You remember when I started taking ballet lessons. My Abuela wanted my to so I'd be "less boyish." I hated going to those lessons, but I loved to dance. So conflicted from such an early age. Anyway, I hope she's happy with herself. Look where those dance classes got me: head over heels for my dancer girlfriend that I can barely keep up with even after all those years of classes. Shit, ex-girlfriend now.
Dancing always make me think of you. I know that at one point you wanted to dance professionally, but then said that it doesn't make enough money. You said that maybe you'd open a dance studio and teach and I can't think of anything better for you. I have faith that you'll do that one day. You'll have the best dance studio in the state of, well, wherever you end up. Try no to forget about me when you're rich and famous, B.
With love, San
XXX
Dear Britt,
I didn't think I'd have to come back to Lima so soon, especially with the track record of my last few trips, but Trouty called and said your name, and the next thing I knew I was back in Lima in front of a camera in a bedroom that I know just as well as my own.
I'm so proud of you, more than you'll ever know. I always knew you were a genius, and know the rest of the world will know, too. You're gonna do amazing things at MIT and you are gonna change the world. I have no doubts.
But you going to MIT means you'll be in Boston and I'm pretty sure Boston is closer to New York than Lima is. But still, it feels like our paths are really diverging. And that really scares me. I don't want us to leave each other forever. In the choir room before your performance earlier today, I told you that you didn't have to say anything to me. And that's because if you said any one thing, I would start crying and never stop. Hell, I did start crying without you saying anything.
Tell me why this feels like the end. But, god, it can't be. This can't be how our story ends. But if it is, it's been the story of a lifetime.
With love, San x
XXX
Dear Brittany,
I started dating someone. I don't know, I feel like I should at least tell you here. Um, I'm trying to move on, get over you, you know, but I don't think I'll ever stop loving you. I don't think that's possible.
But right now we're just friends, me and you, and friends tell friends about who they're dating, right? So Dani, that's her name, um, she plays the guitar and sings. We work together at a singing diner of all places. She's blonde. Well, right now she is. She's nice. She's short, though. Even shorter than me, and I know how much you make fun of me for being short.
I also want to apologize. I'm not trying to make excuses, even though I'm sure it will sound like it. What I said was biphobic, and knowing Tina and the Lima gossip hotline, I'm sure it will probably get back to you. But even if you never hear it, it was still wrong for me to say. You know how I get when I'm upset or angry or jealous, I tend to say things I don't really mean. But that doesn't excuse it. It's taken me a long time to accept myself, and I'm working on it. I want to be a better person. For me. (And for you).
With love, Santana
XXX
Dear B,
I don't know how to feel. I really have to stop coming back to Lima, or Lima has to stop giving me reasons to come back.
The funeral was a few days ago. You were here, but only for two days, they needed you back in Boston right away, and it was not a good time for us to talk. So we go longer without really talking.
The memorial was today, the Glee Club one. It's never been that quiet in the choir room before. I couldn't even get through the one song I was supposed to sing. I broke down right in the middle of it.
I hated him. I hated him for what he did, for how entitled he thought he was, how everything seemed so easy for him. At times, it felt like the world revolved around him. Even after he's dead, I don't know if I can forgive him for what he did. His death doesn't reverse everything that I went through. It's selfish, I know, I know. I feel guilty for even thinking that, but it's the truth.
But how come even though I hated him, I still cry? He was special, he was, even I can admit that. We had a unique relationship. Hopefully one day I'll be able to fully forgive him, but for now, I'll remember our good memories in fondness.
Rest In Peace, Finn Hudson.
With love, Santana
XXX
Dear Brittany,
We started a band and I don't think we're that bad. I forgot how much I missed performing. The band's not Glee Club, but it's something. I mean, it is all gays, so. It kind of feels homophobic that only like one person showed up to our gig, though.
The band seems to be working out so far. It me and Dani and Kurt and Rachel and Starchild? I don't know what his name actually is and I don't really care to learn. Also, I don't know if Rachel is actually in the band, or if she just says she is because I swear I thought she was on Broadway. My top priority is not keeping track of Berry's life although it seems otherwise.
Living with Berry and Kurt could be a lot worse. Rachel has toned down since high school, but she still is Rachel. I'm trying to be nice to her and maybe actually become somewhat of a friend, but it always seems like she expects the worst of me. But Kurt? I think he and I are actually becoming better friends. As you know, we share the trauma of being gay in high school. Kurt's cool, though. The Vogue thing looks to be really good for him. On his own, Kurt's great, but with Berry, it's a bit much. The dynamic in the loft is wild. With three people, you know, it's always 2-vs-1. So it's either the theater nerds against me or the girls against the white man, or my favorite, the gays against Rachel. Which seems ironic, because I swear Berry is gayer than both me and Kurt.
I'm sure that's enough drama for you to handle at once. How are you, B? How's MIT? I hope they're treating you well and that they appreciate the genius that you are. I would love to hear all about your studies, even through I definitely won't understand a word of it. Is college life everything you hoped it is? In the very back of my mind I was wondering if I should go back to school, but then I remembered I miserable I was at Louisville. It felt like I was trapped there, too. I'm just trying to figure out where I belong now.
With love, Santana
XXX
Dear Brittany,
I knew that being "friends" with Rachel Berry was too good to last. It's outrageous. She's acting like it's all completely my fault that we're in a feud. And then she goes and acts like a victim, moving out of the loft and forcing both of us to leave the band? Yes, I did perform Don't Rain on My Parade, but she doesn't own that song, and I was auditioning to be her UNDERSTUDY. She's still the star of the show. I know the lines well enough anyway with the way she's reading them all the time here, including in her sleep, and everyone in Lima could perform that song with the amount of times she's sang it (barring, of course, the one time she needed to perform it flawlessly and couldn't).
I was never actually expecting to get the part. I just wanted to put myself out there and get my feet wet. I wanted to figure out if this was something I really wanted to do. I don't know if it is, but a star has to start shining somewhere. And I guess that will be easier without Rachel Freaking Berry in the next room over.
Yeah, she went and moved out. She moved in with Elijah? Evan? Ethan? Edward? I don't remember. She moved in with Starchild. And because of that, she ruined the band for both of us. I feel slightly betrayed that Kurt kicked us out, because I was expecting him to fully side with Berry, but I felt more betrayed when Dani agreed. I thought that she would t least pretend to stick up for me, but I thought wrong. She has blue hair now, that's irrelevant to the story, though. It's hot, I guess, I don't know I suggested purple, but I still think blonde is the hottest. Maybe Kurt's right and I do have a type. But I don't know if I would call being in love with my high school sweetheart "a type."
I mean, Berry and I in no way came to an agreement, an understanding, maybe. I might be able to be in a room with her without slapping her, but we are not friends. To be honest, that was much longer than I thought I wold be friends with Rachel Berry for.
Tell me B, am I really that bad of a friend? I'm trying to be better, but will everyone always expect the worst of me? I just want people to like me for me. I know I can be a bitch, but I'm trying to be better. I don't really know what it's like to have friends. I know that sounds awful, but it's true. You're my best friend, Britt, but besides Q, that's it. And Q and I have a complicated relationship. I don't have friends. I never really fit in anywhere. In classes, I was always the "popular kid" in the "smart classes" and with the "popular kids," I was "the nerd;" in Glee, I was "the Cheerleader," and in Cheerios, I was "the Gleek." Not to mention I'm Latina and lesbian. It became easier to ice people out from the beginning than to be rejected. I just want people to accept me. Is that too much to ask?
With love, San
XXX
Dear Britt,
I'm back in Lima, it's just getting repetitive now. Seeing that the Glee club's disbanding for what seems like the hundredth time, maybe I won't have to come back here for a while. Being back in Lima seems a little different this time, though, and it's because you're here. I miss you. I miss seeing you and talking to you and being best friends with you. For the first time, I'm actually excited to go back to Ohio.
See you soon.
With love, San
XXX
Dear Britt,
I hated seeing you like that today. Working too hard over a math problem that has gone unsolved for years for a reason. You're a genius, I know, but I don't think even magic could solve that problem. Don't get me wrong, if anyone could solve it, it'd be you, but that's way too much pressure to put on one person, no matter how much of a genius they are. That Brittany, MIT Brittany, is not the one that I know, though. The one that I know is a dancer.
You can't tell me that doing "Toxic" with me and Quinn didn't feel great. You said that you were off, but you looked just as good as ever to me. And if anyone was off, it was probably Q. In the time we've known her, she's had more personalities and problematic relationships than I have. I thought Yale would be good for her, but she comes back with yet another man? I don't see the appeal, I get he's rich- and that's fair- but he's an asshole.
But back to you, I'm not leaving Lima until you're actually happy, and you know how much I love Lima. But that's what it's always been about: making you happy. I will forever do whatever it takes to make you happy. Pinky promise.
With love, San
XXX
Dear Britt,
That's the Brittany I know. The one that loves dancing and performing. Not the one that's recreating chess games with her phone, although I do like that Brittany, too. I don't think this comparison of Brittanys works for me because I love all of you and all your interests, but I know that Chess Brittany isn't really happy and that Dancing Brittany is. And a Happy Brittany is all I want to see.
With love, San
PS: Do you remember when you said that Valerie would be a good baby name? Because I think that point still stands, especially after that performance.
XXX
Dear Britt,
You still make me speechless. I don't know what to say. I know what I want to say. I want to tell you how much I missed kissing you. I want to tell you I don't feel complete without you. How I don't want to keep living without you. How I hate not waking up and falling asleep next to you. How I don't want you to date anyone else. How I can't get over you no matter how hard I work my ass off to. How I don't think it's possible for me not to love you.
I'm writing this letter after I've hung up the phone with Dani. We had a long conversation. Well, I don't know if "conversation" is the right word. I told her that we kissed and she started freaking out and yelling. I mean, she does have a point. I haven't really talked to her since I got to Ohio, and the opening line of our first conversation was "Brittany and I kissed." It must have been jarring for her, seeing that she didn't even know a Brittany until that moment. Don't get me wrong, she knew who you were, how you were my first girlfriend, my first love, and how we broke each other's hearts. She just didn't know your name, and I tried very hard to make sure she didn't know it. Not at all because I was embarrassed, I just didn't need another reminder of what I lost. I'm surprised that gay and gayer didn't go blabbing about it.
Back to our phone call, after Dani stopped yelling the first time, I told her everything that you are to me, how I never really got over you. And you know what she said? She said "I always knew that I didn't have your whole heart." She was right. The only one that has my heart is you. I think we both knew deep down that she was just a placeholder, no matter how much neither of us wanted that to be true. It would never be fair to either of us. And with that, we broke up.
I never thought I would be the person to break up with my girlfriend over the phone. I know it's an asshole thing to do, but I needed to do it. The longer me and her were together, the worse I would feel about us, B. I don't want for our relationship to be started on cheating. Again. I know technically it did start on cheating and lying, but telling Dani that we only kissed is a lot better than telling her what actually happened after that (which was amazing by the way). I know, I'm a terrible person, but I'm working on it.
You told me that it's my choice now, and I know what I want. I've always known. It's you.
With love, San
XXX
Dear Britt,
God is a woman and her name is Brittany Susan Pierce. Seeing you surrounded by flowers offering to solve my problems must be what heaven is.
I told you, it's crazy, but true. You really are the expert in Santana López. You know me better than I'll ever know myself.
I quit Broadway, because, you're right of course, that that is not actually what I want to do. I don't know yet what I really want to do, but don't have to, right? I mean, I'm only 18 years old. The only thing I actually know is I love you. And because of that, anything is possible.
With love, San
XXX
Dear Britt,
I'm so proud of you. My high school graduate. I know you're an actual genius who can solve all of MIT's dumb math problems, but I know how important it was for you to really let go of high school. Besides, Sue owed me enough to have you graduate with all the shit we went through. And now our lives can actually start. Together.
After our conversation yesterday, I went home and did more research than I did in the entirety of the 3 months that I was in college. So, we'll go to Lesbos and then Hawaii, which in other words is weeks and weeks of you wearing nothing but a bikini and me kissing every freckle on your body. Every single one.
And then we'll move to New York. We can get our own place and maybe I'll go back to college at a school I actually like and with a girl that I love.
I love you, Brittany S Pierce, and I can't wait to start out lives together.
With love, San