Dominick Carisi heard the lock click and took a step back from the door.
Her apartment was dark, but he could still tell she'd been crying.
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Amanda opened the door wide enough for him to enter, looking down at the ground. She was trying to avoid eye contact so he wouldn't see how red her eyes were. It was bad enough he drove all the way here, to make sure she was okay before heading off to see her.
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Dominick slid past Amanda, into the living room of her small apartment. Frannie wagged her tail, oblivious to the tension between her owner and the familiar face coming in. He gave her some quick pats on the head before turning around to see if Amanda would sit down or remain there at the door.
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"You know, you didn't need to drive all the way out here Dominick. I'm...I'm fine." She put her hand up to her forehead, again shielding her eyes from him a little. She tried to act like she was just brushing it off. No big deal. Just losing the only man she'd ever allowed herself to feel this much for...
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"Manda, come sit down". He tried to take her hand to lead her to the sofa, but she sidestepped out of his reach and sat in the other chair pulling one knee up to her chest, the one she could manage to do that with. Rested her chin there, trying to hide her face as best she could.
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"I really need to explain the whole story here", he started. Dominick sat on the sofa, closest to her. She stared at the coffee table.
"If that's what you want". Amanda brushed her hair across her forehead. She would let him explain, then he could leave with a clear conscience and she could work on how she was going to get over him.
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"Okay". He took a deep breath.
"I started seeing Nicole not that long ago. Just before your dad"...he trailed off, her dad was doing better now and didn't want to bring up a bad memory.
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"Had his stroke"? Amanda asked, still not looking at him.
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"Yea, but honestly, it was after New Years I decided I needed a life outside of work"...he paused, remembering how he'd hoped New Years Eve might've been a turning point for them, but he'd been wrong...again.
"I thought...I felt like...you and I were kinda building toward somethin the past year, and New Years I hoped maybe something might happen...but when they didn't...I just...I thought I need to try and have something...someone...else. I thought maybe if I had that...then the feelings I had for you...they'd change. I could be friends, still hang out with you and the girls...and not constantly think about how I wanted more with you".
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Dammit Carisi, Amanda thought to herself. Couldn't you just say there was no chance. This is just confirming her worst fears. If she'd only shared her feelings earlier their whole world would be different. She fought the tears again, eyes welling up, but she kept it under control by staring at the floor.
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She didn't say anything, she didn't even look up, but Dominick saw the tears threatening so he knew she was listening. He kept going.
"I met Nicole on a case, she was helping this trafficked girl who'd been charged with prostitution. Once the case was done we had drinks, and it just was easy from there". He wasn't trying to hurt Amanda, but he wanted her to know everything.
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"Honestly, it was easy, because neither of us was really all that invested". Dominick saw Amanda shift a little in the chair. "And when you left for Atlanta...I stayed busy with the girls, my choice, I was happy to do that, and didn't see much of her during that time".
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"Then her sister was kidnapped, and the squad helped her out, that kinda brought us closer"...
Amanda blinked hard at that. One tear fell, but she quickly swept that away hoping he didn't see it.
"As soon as you got back, I found myself breaking dates with Nicole so I could be with you"...
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Amanda started to interrupt him "I never asked you"...
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But Carisi stopped her. "I know, I know, that was my choice. Amanda, there was nowhere I wanted to be more than right there... with you". He stopped a minute to let that sink in.
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Amanda felt a tiny flicker of hope start to burn.
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"When you forced Finn to ask me to officiate for him", he started, but Amanda interrupted him.
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"I don't know what he was thinking...you know"? She said. "What? They'd just call someone that day and ask them to stop by the courthouse or somewhere". She sat up a bit straighter, making fun of Finn calmed some of her nerves.
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"Yea, well, when you did that, I was busy writing and rewriting that speech for days"...The speech that was still in his pocket, he thought.
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"I asked Nicole to come to the ceremony, it was kinda soon to ask her to go to a wedding but I was really hoping for some support...and she told me she thought marriage was an antiquated patriarchal ceremony and she had no interest in it". Carisi paused "And that was kinda just the start, it went on from there. She didn't think she wanted kids, she was pretty happy with her life staying just like it was".
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The flicker of hope burned a bit brighter for Amanda Rollins. She had built up enough courage to meet his eyes. When she looked up, he was watching.
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"I thought I'd convinced her to come anyway, just for me, but she called yesterday to say she couldn't do it, a case had come up that she really needed to work on...and that's when I just knew". His eyes never left Amanda's.
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Amanda's heart was racing, he knew. Knew what? That this Nicole wasn't right for him?
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He continued.
"Last night I was up all night completely rewriting what I'd say...I had 2 speeches ready. Depending on how it was going...it wasn't until I started reading one of them to you, that I realized I wasn't writing it for Finn and Phoebe...I was writing it all about you".
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The flames sparked a wildfire in her soul, she swore she could feel it burning.
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"When you ran away, I knew I had to break things off with Nicole, if they weren't already...So...I called her...turned out she was planning to do the same tomorrow".
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A sob escaped Amanda's throat, she hadn't realized she was holding her breath, she had goosebumps and butterflies were back in her belly. He wasn't going home to this other woman. He came here...for her.
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"You only heard part of it...I want you to hear the rest". Carisi pulled the speech out from his pocket, raising his eyebrows and looked back at her. He was nervous. If this was too much for her to hear, he might scare her away, he searched her eyes for a sign if he should continue or not.
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Amanda put her hand up over her mouth, tears in her eyes again, but he saw her lip curve up in a smile behind her hand. She nodded her approval for him to continue.
He looked down at the crumpled speech.
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"And a bond like that...that neva goes away"...
"And the day you realize that bond is even greater than even a partnership...that it's more than taking a bullet for each other... You've realized...when she walks into a room, she stops your heart...every time...and if she's with someone else, that pain is almost too much to bear"...
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Amanda got up from the chair, and sat next to him on the sofa as he continued reading.
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"Don't get me wrong, she can still drive you absolutely insane"...He smiled and Amanda laughed. "But she can also make you laugh like you neva have".
His tone more serious..."And yea, she has the power to hurt you like no one else ever could"...he looked up from the paper into her eyes, now filled with tears again.
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"Because she owns your heart, and has for a long time now. You don't ever want to be apart from her again...You realize you can't live without her even one more day".
Amanda reaches out to hold onto his hand, as he finishes. He doesn't need to look down, he has this part memorized so he meets her eyes, and brushes her hair behind her ear.
"That's when you know it's real. That's when you know you want her to be your partner for the rest of your life".
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The last time someone asked Amanda to be with them for the rest of their lives, it absolutely terrified her. That choice was about whether she wanted to settle for living with Al just so she didn't have to be alone...Not that Carisi was asking her, but still.
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This time was completely different. She thought she'd lost him, and finding out it was the complete opposite...she wasn't throwing this chance away.
Amanda closed the gap between them, throwing her arms completely around him. He'd opened his arms to her, holding on to her as tight as she was him. Her could feel her heart beating wildly against his chest. After a moment, she relaxed, pulling away to rest her forehead against his, holding her hands gently around the back of his neck. Both their eyes closed, just breathing.
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Dominick wrapped his arms around her waist and whispered "It's always been you 'Manda, since pretty much the day I met you".
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Amanda bent her head down so she could crush her lips to his, happy tears streaming down her face now. They held each other that way, Dominick could feel her crying, but this time it was a combination of relief and joy.
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Finally she breaks the kiss, still holding on to him. They just look at each other, both smiling.
"So what now, Counselor"? She asks him, and his smile turns into that Carisi smirk she's come to love.