Pacing in the cafe pantry made me really second guess my decision to leave the dive bar I used to work at. I would have risked it all for a long deep chug of whatever-the-hell that was over 80 proof they kept in the walk-ins for the bartenders. My hands couldn't decide what to do with all the jitters. One second they were in my hair, the next they were covering my mouth, and the next they were rubbing my tired eyes.

Quick, light footsteps were fast making their way towards the pantry room. Turning quickly and grabbing some french bread I began to pretend that I was very meticulously stocking loaves from newest expiration date to oldest. The door crashed open.

"Is that man the reason why you've you been so distracted lately?"

Yes.

"No," I retorted.

"I mean," Harumi's eyes shifted towards the door and the dreamy look on her face made me want to smack her with the oldest hardest loaf of bread I could get my hands on. "I could understand why. If it was the reason, of course," she smiled coyly as if we were both in on some kind of scheme. "But, since it's definitely not, it must be something else," she said winking at me.

Shoving my face in my hands I let out a groan, "shut up."

Harumi's face lit up and she started bouncing on the tips of her toes, "oh my gosh! It totally is the reason! Are you dating him? How did you meet him? Does he have a friend that looks like, um, well, him?"

The stream of questions only stopped once I took a quick step towards her and roughly covered her babbling mouth with my hands. Her eyebrows shot up and I closed my eyes before hanging my head in defeat.

"Harumi," I began, "I can't answer your questions because I don't know anything about him."

And it was killing me that I didn't.

I continued. My tone becoming increasingly exasperated, "truly, I don't. I just happened to run into him one time before this. But, what I do know is that today has been awful and I have a massive headache. So, I need you to do me a solid and give me 3 minutes to pull myself back together so I can finish my shift, okay?"

The "okay" didn't come out as question but more of a woman-on-the-edge sort of demand. Apparently Harumi had caught onto that. She gave me a slow nod and hustled back to the front leaving me with my thoughts.

What am I going to do!?

I have to know what's going on.

Why was that man here?

Was he looking for me?

It'd be better to just move on.

How am I supposed to move on when I want answers?

You wanted to forget this didn't you? Play dumb.

On second thought, maybe having Harumi around wasn't so bad. Because these thoughts were using my brain like a punching bag.

Can you honestly go the rest of your life wondering about this? If you can, then put up or shut up.

That punch was a mean K.O.

Everything after that felt like a blur. In what felt like mere seconds I had ripped off my apron, grabbed my purse and jacket , and was rushing through the front of the cafe. Apologizing over my shoulder to Harumi as she called after me I charged through the door and onto the sidewalk, avoiding the cafe table umbrellas we put out over the outdoor tables on overcast days.

It couldn't have been more than 10 minutes since he entered the cafe not including the time it took for Harumi to make his drink. Scanning both sides of the street across from the cafe I didn't see any sign of him. A snaking feeling of desperation swirled in my stomach. I took a hasty 50-50 chance and went left searching for him. Speed-walking a few blocks while I looked quickly and carefully at the face of any tall man that caught my eye.

Nothing.

Skidding to a stop and turning quickly I marched back toward the cafe to go in the opposite direction. I had to find him. I had to find him. I had to find him.

I had doubled back to outside my part-time job and was about to continue my search down the right side of the block when a pair of long legs at one of the outdoor cafe tables caught my eye. The man was lounging in a way that looked far too comfortable for the hard metal chairs that we offered to our customers. He was tapping his left foot on the ground and simultaneously tapping the corresponding hand's index finger on the table. His eyes were closed and he was wearing a relaxed smile but the way his jaw muscle jumped when he heard me approach made me assume he was aware of his surroundings. I stopped a few feet away from him.

He was sitting here the whole time!? He had to have noticed me frantically (and embarrassingly) searching for him.

Now that I was here, now that I was standing in front of him, I had no idea what to say. So, I didn't say anything.

His eyes finally opened and they met mine. I'm not sure what it was about his gaze that made me feel like I was being physically pinned in place, but it was becoming increasingly uncomfortable.

"I was looking for you," I blurted.

God, why was I so awkward!?

"I know," he countered.

Why was he so…..weird?

I waited for him to say anything else but he didn't. He readjusted so his elbow was resting on the table and his hand was supporting his head with an index finger covering his lips. His eyes remained unreadable, focused, and almost predatory. He was going to make me say it. He was going to make me be the one to come to him.

"That's not fair, you know," it barely came out above a whisper but he caught it.

"How so?"

He talked like someone who had never been caught in a lie in his life. Calm. Careful. Calculated.

"You're making me ask the obvious question. But, you're the one," I hissed pointing at him before turning my finger back on myself, "that came looking for me!"

His eyes narrowed and he tipped his head back slightly, "you're assuming I was looking for you."

I could feel the bewildered look growing on my face and the annoyance inside me increasing with every tense second passing between us. Or maybe it was only tense on my end. Because he looked about as calm as someone could possibly look. The only way he could have looked more at ease is if he were taking a cat nap.

"Why did you come here then?"

Gojo lifted his paper coffee cup as if he was raising a toast to me before taking a deep sip.

My brain is melting. I'm fading into the black. Someone, anyone, put me out of my misery.

My brain pulsed so hard that I saw a flash of stars for a split second. The unasked question continued to hang in the air: at anytime one of us could have asked, and either one of us would have answered. This was like playing the most uneven and stacked game of chicken in the world. He was a giant and I was an ant.

I had to use my thumb to crack each individual knuckle on my right hand while breathing in and out to keep it from trying to drift towards my hip. My body was screaming for something my brain (or maybe it was my control issues) refused to give it. If I didn't get answers, if I allowed this situation to continue to consume me as it had for the past few weeks, I know I'd do it again. It was a lousy way to distract myself. It offered minimal comfort when my world was in chaos but sometimes minimal is all you really need. And my world had been nothing if not chaotic.

But, if it continued to be chaotic, it would only be due to my own stubbornness.

When I glanced up his gaze was fixed on the hand that had been the victim of my nervous tick. Shoving my hands into my jacket pockets I rolled my shoulders back before instantly wilting against what felt like the weight of the world.

So much for the confident stance approach.

"Listen," I started through gritted teeth. "I..well, it's.. I need to-um," listening to myself stammer made me want to slap myself and yell 'out with it!'.

"Fine, fine, fine," Gojo interrupted. He was holding his palms up in the air as if indicating for me to slow down while shaking his head. "I won't make you say it. So my answer is, yes. I will be your first lover," he said placing a hand over his heart.

My face must have looked mortified because his eyes twinkled as he continued, "be gentle with me though. Because…..you'll be my first lover too." At that he covered his mouth coyly with one hand while looking down at the ground, feigning bashful.

Oh my god, no!

"Oh my god, no!" I yelped. The hot feeling behind my cheeks was at an all time high.

Gojo didn't laugh audibly at his own joke but his eyes sure did.

"Well, if you don't tell me what it is that you want you're leaving me to fill in the blanks," he ran a hand through his already messy pile of white blonde hair leaving it positively ravaged. Flashing a quick smile at me and leaning forward resting his elbows on his knees, "I'm great at weaving together a tale."

"I don't doubt it," a half formed laugh escaping me before I could stop it. This was hilarious in a tragic sort of way. Like watching one of those sitcoms where you wanted to root for the main character but every decision they made caused you to cringe. And with every cringey moment it also caused you to like that character just a little bit less.

I was being bested by the antagonist before the story had even started.

"Okay, I give," I said with a single sided shoulder shrug. "Can we talk? Please?"

Half expecting him to refuse after this game of cat and mouse, I was beyond relieved when he gave me a very enthusiastic nod that caused his floppy white hair to fall into his sunglasses.

Reaching his leg out, he hooked the toe of his shoe around the leg of a metal chair across from him and drug it closer to the table. It made a horrendous scraping noise that caused passersby's to look our way.

Attention was something he didn't seem particularly phased by. My eyes passed over him again and instantly decided attention was probably something he had been used to for years. He was probably one of those people that had never had an awkward phase in their entire life. He had this boyish charm about him and I'm sure the puberty stick had hit him like a train. And, unlike the majority of people, puberty had most likely done nothing but favors for him. My mind couldn't even imagine him with oily hair and pimples like I had dealt with when high school rolled around.

Gesturing towards the chair he had wrangled with a sweeping motion of his hand, I couldn't stop myself from noticing how large and calloused it was. How even though he was wearing a jacket I could tell that hand led to a defined and muscular arm...

Get a grip.

Feeling someone else's eyes on me, I looked beyond Gojo and caught the glare of Harumi through the cafe window. She was sequestered behind the counter with a large line of "lovely" patrons. I was going to pay quite dearly for this rendezvous.

"Actually, could we do this somewhere else?" Shifting from foot to foot nervously I threw in, "I'll treat."

At that Gojo jumped up and tore down the street. I did a double take at how fast he moved and rushed after him. Struggling to keep up I huffed, "seems like you have somewhere in mind?"

Glancing down at me like he had forgotten I was supposed to be there, "the only American-style restaurant I know that serves porterhouse steaks and pasta is past downtown. I hate taking cars if I don't have to, so we gotta get moving!"

What the fu-!?

I snatched his arm and yanked him to a stop.

"What exactly about me screams that I'm dripping in cash? The part time cafe job where I take verbal abuse with a smile or the clearly thrift shopped clothing that I'm wearing?"

"I would assume someone with your stunning way of striking up conversations and charming disposition, people would pay you simply for the pleasure of being in your presence."

I actually laughed out loud.

"You're right," I played along with the joke. "Unfortunately, a lot of the people that pay for my lavish way of living," I said while gesturing to my faded navy jacket and a size-too-big black jeans. "They tend to hang around such establishments, like American steakhouses. I would hate to make any of them jealous by watching me spend their hard earned money on a pretty boy, such as yourself."

One corner of his mouth curved up slightly and his eyes danced with amusement, "well, I would hate to cause contention among the masses…"

"Oh, me either," I feigned sincerity with a smile growing on my own face.

There was a brief pause as we stared at each other grinning.

Get a grip.

Tearing my eyes away from his deep blue eyes I tilted my head in the direction of the opposite side of the street and began walking that way. His footsteps followed and we caught a stride.

We didn't say another word to each other as we headed to the only food place I was confident I could afford.