Chapter 5

Aleksander found himself staring at the ceiling above the bed. Every evening went the same. He made love to Alina and she showed him heaven. And then they fell asleep and he managed that for a bit, but then he was in hell. Sometimes it was Luda he saw murdered, sometimes it was Marie, sometimes he saw Nina burning on a pyre in the ice court, but the worst ones were when it was Alina he saw them kill. He never made it more than a couple of hours before he was gasping for air and awake, left with nothing but time and his fears.

He never managed to fall back asleep, and it was taking a toll on him. Alina hadn't said anything, but he knew it was starting to show. He tried to just be happy to feel her warmth as she slept and to relax knowing she was safe for now, but every moment of bliss they spent together made him more and more afraid of what he had to lose. He could not imagine going on if her warmth was extinguished.

He got up to pull a book on the Stag. He had sent a search party to follow the tracker's directions, but he worried they would need more. He had been trying to calibrate Alina's dreams and the tracker's information with the text. Maybe if he just looked at that book in Fjerdan again; it had more details on topography near sightings of 'the witch's magical spy'. He hated reading that one, but maybe that was exactly why he might have missed something. He didn't dare leave her to go to the war room to read as he normally might, but if he just grabbed the book and brought it back to bed … He stood. He could sense no one else around the room, and he could keep her in eyesight the entire time. He reached the desk in the war room and moved a few books to find the Fjerdan one.

"Aleksander?" Her voice was soft, sleepy, but it was enough to make him drop the book he had been holding, race back to the bed chamber, and scan the room for threats. Nothing.

"Sorry, I was just … looking for a book." He wanted her to know he would never leave her alone and vulnerable like that.

"Come back to bed," she commanded.

She was the only person who could tell him what to do. With a command like that, how could he possibly not adore that about her? He obeyed, sliding under the blankets and sheets with her for warmth. He tried to pull her into his arms to get her back to sleep, but she was sitting up and staring into his eyes.

"You're hardly getting any sleep," she pointed out with concern. All he could do was nod. It was true. "Is it me? Do you not really want me here? You put me in here for security, but if you don't want to be sleeping next to me …"

"Alina, no!" How could she think that? He leaned his forehead against hers and held her. "I would very much like to kill every person who made you think that you are not worthy of being loved." He probably shouldn't have admitted that; she probably should not know his taste for vengeance, but perhaps she needed to know how strongly he felt about her worth. "That made you think that you are a bother, in the way, somewhere you don't belong. It's not like that with me. Alina, you are everything. Everything. There is nowhere I'd rather be than by your side."

"Then, why? Do I move too much? Keep waking you up? Am I kicking you in my sleep?"

"As you might recall, you had concerns about my lack of sleep before you entered my bed."

"Yes, but it's gotten worse." She couldn't possibly know exactly how much, but she knew enough. She could likely feel the exhaustion in him. Her hand reached up and caressed his cheek.

"Yes."

"So, what is it? Tell me."

"Alina, it's fine. I don't really want to bother you with my … darkness."

Her eyes narrowed. "I don't think that's really how this is supposed to work." Perhaps she had a point. "You so easily notice in me how my past has affected me, scarred me, so that I always think I don't deserve to be cared for, but you don't notice it in yourself. You think the burdens are all yours to bear, that no one would notice or care how those burdens are affecting you. Why is that?"

He took a deep breath. She had seen right through to the truth. She didn't have to know all the details; she still saw it. He realized that he had to not only give himself permission to love after all of these years-that his heart had taken off with immediately despite his head advising caution-he also had to give himself permission to trust, to share. It was new. He had never really had anyone, not even as a child. They had moved too often to let him bond with anyone. Baghra had forbidden him to confide in any of the other Grisha children, and he knew he couldn't trust them. Even when he tried to share his feelings with his mother, she had gotten angry and punished him or lectured him and called him a fool. Luda had come close, but he had never really let those walls down all the way, even with her. He knew she would die some day and then there would be the pain, but he had regretted not living in the moment with her when he had the chance, before … And Alina was different. She could be the true partner he'd waited all his life for. That meant he had to learn to act like the one she deserved. "Sharing is hard for me," he admitted. "I've never really been able to."

"Aleksander, you can trust me."

He could try to share, as best he could, so she wouldn't worry it was her. "It is my problem, not yours. It's just, since the assasination attempt … knowing Zlatan means to kill you … I could not survive, Alina. Now that I've had you, I could not take …" She would not understand the depth of the pain, but it was the best explanation he could give. "When I fall asleep, I have nightmares of your death, so forgive me for preferring to stay awake."

She took a shaky breath as she processed all that. "Okay … okay, then we deal with the nightmares together."

"Alina …"

"Does having me here make it better at all? Or is it worse?"

"I am doing immensely better being able to see for myself that you are alright when I awake from those nightmares. Much better than pacing my chambers worrying until I can see you again."

"Have you noticed anything else that makes it better?"

A smile played across his face as he thought of his answer. "You are going to think that I am only trying to get more sex."

"Sex makes it better?" She laughed softly. "Were you actually about to say that to me? Sex makes it better. Maybe I do think you just want that more, but I'm not complaining."

"It's … feeling the connection to you, your warmth radiating through me. It keeps the darkness at bay for a short while."

"Actually, that gives me an idea. Will you trust me to try it?"

He nodded.

"Lie down. Close your eyes."

He wanted to argue, but she had asked him to trust her, so he complied and tried to will the grim images from appearing in his head. She placed her hand on his chest, and then he felt it, her light, her warmth, surrounding him, enveloping him. His eyes flew open to stare at her in appreciation. It did feel so different.

"Better?"

He nodded. It did help.

"Then we take shifts. You guard over me for a while. I know that makes you feel safer. And then when it is your turn to sleep, I will keep you warm and protected. I need to practice my power more anyway, and you need sleep if you are to properly protect me. It benefits us both."

He smiled at her concern. It was that genuine care for him, so different from the eagerness of others to benefit from his power, that was making him truly fall in love with her. He leaned in and kissed her. "Okay, let's try."