Chapter 11
The creak of the door opening pulled Aleksander's attention from the maps in front of him. His men were following the Stag where the tracker had spotted it, in Fjerda, and there was no way there that wouldn't endanger them. He trusted his power to protect them when he joined them, but they needed a sure plan to minimize any risk of running into the Fjerdans. The situation was stressful enough without worrying if Alina would cooperate willingly. He refused to let his mind go over the possibilities if she wouldn't. He had to remain focused on the priority, which was assuring her safety. He had learned that lesson well. Amplifier first, details later. He was so distracted that he didn't really look at who was at the door until they entered. He had expected Ivan with an update, but to his surprise, it was Alina. Perhaps she had come to her senses and had come to apologize.
"Were you ever going to tell me?" she snarled.
For a moment, he thought she meant about destroying the Fold, but something had dramatically changed in her from even earlier. The hatred in her eyes left no question as to what she meant. He stared in disbelief a moment, but he was sure. She knew his true identity. He wondered how she had found out, but it was a fleeting thought. To see her give him that look he'd seen so many times before, disgust mixed with hatred and fear … it stopped his heart. The entire world seemed to shatter around him as he realized all he was losing in that instant-Alina, not just her powers, no he would find a way to control those, but her partnership. The girl who always managed to surprise him and make him smile, she was gone, as was the girl who had dared to ever try to comfort him. Instead, she was replaced with someone possessed by the disgust and fear of so many who had come before her.
"So you could look at me like that?" he asked. "No."
"Black Heretic! What? You said I could say it!"
What did she want him to say? Perhaps she was just so full of anger that she couldn't resist screaming at him until she could not speak anymore. He shrugged. He did not feel like having this fight. He just wanted to close his eyes and realize that this was another nightmare.
"Was it all a lie then? An act for me? To manipulate me? The scared little boy who was overwhelmed with the ancestral guilt and shame of a mistake that happened hundreds of years before? You created the Fold. You isolated and nearly destroyed Ravka. You didn't care about the people in the way you hurt because you wanted power. You've killed thousands with the Fold. You killed my parents!"
He wanted to scream back at her, to remind her who she was talking to. He never let anyone speak to him without reverence, but she had always been different. He couldn't stand to let her think that. "It wasn't all a lie. It was … as close to the truth as I could explain. If I had told you, would you have trusted me to protect you? To get you help with your power? To work together? I never meant … I didn't want people like your parents to get hurt …"
"More lies! You wanted to make the Fold! You wanted to show how very powerful you are. You only cared about proving how strong you were, how much better than everyone else you were. Tell me, did you enjoy making people so scared? Did you cheer when you turned men into Volcra?"
"Who have you been talking to?" he hissed through gritted teeth.
"Baghra. You know, your mother. Left that bit out too, didn't you?"
So that is what his own mother thought of him, that he'd plotted the whole thing and enjoyed the pain he caused. That rejection stung like a hornet, but he'd accepted his mother's disapproval some time ago. It was the hatred in Alina's eyes that tore him to the core.
"So you talked to Baghra and you know everything now, is that it?" he raged. "You know everything about that day? How it all happened? You've got it all figured out, have you? You. Know. Nothing!"
"Then tell me!" she screamed back, not backing down at his anger. She had never been intimidated by his authority. "If you wanted me to know your side then why didn't you ever tell me?! We have been sleeping together for months, Aleksander. You had every opportunity to tell me! So let's hear it. Tell me what it is you'd have me know!"
He raised his hands to cast darkness around her face. A small shot in her direction would be enough to temporarily deprive her of oxygen and knock her out. Ivan could resuscitate her. They'd keep her captive until they had the Stag, and then they'd use the amplifier to control her power. It would be simple, really. He didn't need to have this conversation, but when he tried to pull his power to send her direction, he just couldn't rid himself of the image of her comforting him through his nightmares. She was always so gentle with him. She never mentioned it again when he was out of one of his spells. She never looked at him with anything but love. Until now. He couldn't bear the thought of losing all of that forever. But what choice did he have? What path didn't lead to more pain? She would never forgive him. The hate and disgust would never leave her. His head couldn't shake those brief moments of heaven she'd given him in her arms. He couldn't harm her, not even if he wanted to. There were no words to make her understand, and yet, somehow, he had to try. Slowly, he lowered his hands. Now they seemed more like they were begging her to stop her verbal attack than they were yielding what had almost been his physical one.
She seemed to realize what had almost happened, what he had stopped himself from doing for her, because she seemed softer now. "Just tell me?" she begged.
"Alina, have you never made a mistake? Thought you were doing the right thing to protect people, and then suddenly, everything was all wrong? You said you feared you would be the new heretic if you messed up. Well what do you think happened to me?! You listened to the accusations of an angry old woman who has always wanted me to be alone. Don't believe her."
"So tell me. If it was a mistake, then tell me. What happened?"
He swallowed. He'd never tried to talk to anyone about that day. How did he even start? "I didn't create the Fold on purpose. To understand what happened, you have to understand what led to it. I was in so much pain …" No, he realized. He couldn't just start with the mistake and say he had been hurting when he had a lapse in judgement. No, he had to go back, so she could truly understand, but that meant going back to Luda. "They …" The word 'killed' wouldn't cross his lips. He couldn't get the image of Luda, helpless, her arms tied behind her back, begging him for help as they … "She …" he tried again, but no more words would come. He saw them stab the sword through her heart. He yanked to free his wrists of the bar that rendered him helpless to use his power to save her. Oh how he had loved her. He'd tried to protect himself because she was bound to die sometime, but he hadn't been successful. There was nothing he could do to save her. As many times as he saw this nightmare over and over again, nothing in it ever changed. He was helpless. And she died. Because of him.
A single tear slipped down his cheek. He tried to blink back the rest. He couldn't let Alina see him like this, not now, not while she hated him. He had to pull himself back together, but he found that without the anger, he was left with only pain that he could not control. Without the monster he unleashed to send darkness to protect him, he was vulnerable and hurt … and he couldn't let her see …
More tears were falling. He could not erase the image of Luda's anguished face … until it became Alina's that they were about to murder in his nightmare.
Alina reached out and caught his arm. It was only in that moment that he realized that he was hyperventilating the way he did when he awoke from his nightmares. He couldn't catch his breath. His throat was swelling shut. He would lose control of the shadows next if he didn't get himself under control.
"Aleksander?" Her voice was suddenly full of concern.
She'd used his real name. Not the Black Heretic, not you, not even Kirigan. Aleksander. He dared glance up and saw her eyes had changed. She was worried. About him.
He opened his mouth to speak, but he found himself frozen staring into her eyes. What could he possibly say to stop the hatred from coming back? He wanted to stay just trapped in this moment where her eyes actually cared again. But how? He was so petrified at the idea of losing … her … in any sense he was facing losing her, and he could not survive it.
"You're trembling," she whispered. She fully wrapped her arms around him. "Let's just go sit down on the chaise. Okay?"
He was confused why she would show him kindness now, but as he couldn't manage to get his emotions under control, at least not without unleashing darkness so strong it might kill half the creatures in the woods, he found he could do little more than nod. He would have done anything she asked in that moment, to keep her gentle touch on him. She led him through the war room to his bedchamber. Sitting on the chaise, he simply stared into her eyes. He wanted to memorize every detail of this look, so he could hold onto it forever after she hated him again. He found himself matching his breathing to hers as she often had him do after a nightmare. And then she released her light, her warmth to envelop them. After some time, seconds, minutes, an hour, he wasn't sure, he found he could swallow again. "Thank you," he finally managed to whisper while hopelessly praying that wouldn't mean the moment was over.
"Let's try again," she commanded. "To be clear, I'm still really pissed at you, but I do want to hear what you have to say. Perhaps with a bit of the truth this time?"
He nodded, but he wasn't sure he was any more able to fulfil her request than he had been before. "I've never talked about it with anyone," he confided. "It's never not been with me, every waking nightmare, but I've never tried to put it into words. Without the monster that growls at anyone who gets close and uses the dark to protect himself … I'm not sure the man who is left can talk about it." He wasn't making much sense, he realized, but he hoped she understood.
"Let's try," she insisted. "Aleksander, you've lied to me about who you are from the beginning. How can you expect me not to believe Baghra's version if you won't tell me yours? I want to know if you've just been manipulating me this whole time or if … if …"
"No!" he gasped. How could she think that? "What I felt for you was always real!"
"I cannot truthfully return it if you are hiding who you are from me. So tell me. What drove you to create the Fold? If it wasn't for power and control, then … what?"
He took a deep, shaky breath as he tried to think of where to begin to help her truly understand. "They were hunting Grisha, burning us on the pyres. Nowhere was safe. Ravka, Fjerda, Shu Han, they were all the same. Grisha were tortured and killed everywhere. We fled from one location to the next. My entire childhood. Once, they burnt … he was … I thought we could be friends if we stayed-he was just a child like me … right in front of me. I can still hear his screams. And the cheers of the otkazat'sya as he burned. Baghra said we couldn't flee until it was over or they would suspect us. And then when it was clear, we would move on. But the king … when he discovered my powers, he thought I could have a use. Win his war. And I thought … I thought if I could show him that Grisha could be useful, could be allies, then he would stop the killing of Grisha. That I could help keep Grisha safe."
"But that didn't happen."
"I won his war, but then they came for us to kill all known Grisha. All, Alina. They wiped out entire villages. Women. Children. It was my fault. I know now. All of their deaths are on me. I brought more attention on us. I should have known the king would never trust Grisha even though I was loyal to him. Luda … she was … my … lover? That word doesn't seem to cover it. I loved her. I tried not to, but I did. They came for us. Shot me full of arrows over and over again. And then again. They think that Grisha cannot feel pain, but mortal wounds still hurt the same even if they do not kill you. Those scars, I still feel them. She … she … she …" He took a breath and focused on Alina. He had to stay focused on the now and not get lost in the nightmare again. She grew the warmth of her power to calm him so he could continue. Her sun could always soothe his darkness. "They killed her right in front of me. To punish me for being what I am. Hands bound behind my back, I was powerless to protect her. She was a healer. She was good and caring. She never harmed anyone. And they slaughtered her. Because of my stupid mistake of believing that people might accept us if we helped them. Because of me. Her death is on me."
"And that's the nightmares?"
He nodded his confirmation. "Sometimes the nightmares are of her death. It's worse when they are of yours. I created the Fold because of the pain I was in for what they did to her. They would have kept coming until we were all dead. It was going to be genocide of our entire people. I needed something to defend us. I had never imagined the Fold. It wasn't what I wanted, not what I was trying to make. I wanted an army to defend us, to protect Grisha so no one else would have to feel what I felt! What Luda felt when they ran a sword through her just for being Grisha. But the Fold came out. It was a mistake. Baghra warned me that Merzost is unpredictable, but I had no other choice! I couldn't stand by and watch all Grisha die as she wanted me to. I didn't know … I didn't know any of it. But that doesn't mean that I can't still use it to protect us! It has protected us. How do you think I gained control of the Little Palace? We have a sanctuary for all Grisha! A terrible thing can still be used for our benefit."
"Kirigan," she said firmly. "We are destroying the Fold. That is my goal. A united Ravka. No more suffering."
"Don't you see, Alina? Don't you get it yet? I created the Fold when they destroyed Luda. What will I do when they kill you? Because they already are trying. They attacked … Marie …" He still couldn't bring himself to tell her the truth about Marie's death. Surely just the attempt alone would help her understand. "Your power is more than anything they have ever seen. They won't let you simply be with that power! Without the Fold to protect us, what will stop them? Zlatan will not stop until he has your power or you are dead. If I kill him, then the Fjerdans will come for your power and kill you. And then what monstrous thing will I do? Will anyone survive my reaction to that pain? Because I love you a hell of a lot more than I ever loved her, and …"
And there it was. Out in the open. Of course, she knew he loved her. He delighted in making her feel loved and special after so many years alone. Still, he hadn't meant for her to know how very deeply she owned his heart. There was no taking back the words now. "I'm scared of what I will do if I lose you," he admitted. In any form, her death or her abandoning him. He'd grown too close, let his heart get too attached. He knew better! Love only ever resulted in pain. "It could be the end of Ravka."
She stared at him a long while, not responding, simply … scrutinizing him. He held his breath, hoping he hadn't frightened her with his revelation. It hung heavily in the air as he waited for her reaction. "I just don't know how I can trust you. Are you manipulating me just now? It seems real, but … after talking to Baghra …"
He grabbed her hand and pressed it to his chest so she could truly feel him. He called to her power, but she tried to stop her power from responding to him. "I love you! You can feel that, Alina."
"I don't trust myself to be able to tell with you anymore."
"You're angry that I lied," he whispered. He understood that. "So punish me, Alina. Punish me however you deem fit, but don't leave me for being afraid you'd run from the truth. Please. Please don't leave me."
"Baghra told me to, you know. To run, to never look back. She had a way out for me."
"But you didn't," he whispered, realizing she had chosen to come back to him. Ivan hadn't hauled her in for running. She hadn't even tried. "Why?"
She was quiet for a long moment. "I am Grisha. You've taught me that I can't hide who I am. If I ran, went into hiding, concealed my power … no, I couldn't go back to that, to not sleeping, not eating, not being myself."
"I see." He chastised himself for hoping he might have been a part of that reason. "And us?"
She opened her mouth to speak several times before she finally sighed in frustration. "I'm sorry. I'm just really struggling to deal with knowing that the man I fell in love with isn't even real. The love for that man is still there, but he doesn't exist."
"Is who I am so vile that you can no longer see the man you love now that he has a name? A past?" His face contorted in anguish at her rejection. His eyes filled with tears again; his muscles quivered with the effort of trying to blink them back.
"I just don't know what, if any of that, is real!"
"I'm real. We are real. I never faked any emotion with you. I just … if I tried to tell you a story about my past, I had to alter it so it would make sense with what you knew, but … I wasn't manipulating you, Alina. I … this, us, happened so much faster than I expected. I was enjoying letting you in." It had been stupid, but he had let it happen.
She shook her head. "I don't want to hurt you, Aleksander. I want to trust you. Trust must be earned, especially after all you have hid from me."
"We have eternity for me to earn it back," he whispered. "If you will give me the chance. I will try, every day, forever, to show you that I am worthy of your trust if you will just give me that day with you."
"Eternity?" she gasped, shaking her head. "You, but me?"
He tilted his head and looked at her with curiosity. "Had you not realized? Power is what determines a Grisha's lifespan. I told you that. Your power rivals mine." And the amplifier would get her there.
She shook her head. "I don't … I'm not …"
He squeezed her hand. "You are so much more than you realize you are."
She looked into his eyes and stared there a long time. She seemed almost lost in the blackness there, but finally she nodded. "I will give you the chance to prove to me that I can trust you. I do understand why you wouldn't introduce yourself to me as the Black Heretic from moment one. You're hurt, and ashamed, and broken, even all these years later. Don't try to deny that," she quickly stopped him from speaking. "I've seen the real you, Aleksander. But that's just it. If we continue this relationship, it's with Aleksander. No more lies. No more manipulations. You let me see the real you. I get to know you again, the real you. And, together, we decide on the best course of action. Together we fight the darkness that I can feel tries to overwhelm you. Together we fight to protect Grisha and Ravka. But as partners. I will not be your pawn."
He nodded. What choice did he have? It was terrifying to let her in like this, but she had seen glimpses of who he was inside, when he let his guard down. If he refused, he would lose her for certain, and that was the most terrifying option of all.
"We're agreed then? No more secrets? No more manipulation? Because if I catch you trying to manipulate me again, we are done."
"I'm not very good at that, Alina," he admitted. "I've never … there's never been anyone I could be fully honest with. Not ever. I've been taught to lie since the moment I could talk."
"You'll try," she said firmly.
"I'll try," he agreed, "for you." He would do anything for her. "Please be patient with me, Alina. Hundreds of years, I've always lied to everyone."
He began to think through what it might be like to share everything with her. It would be nice to be able to tell her the truth about his past, in his stories, to better explain his emotions, but he would struggle to not keep things from her, particularly when she wouldn't like the truth. How many truths had he kept from her to protect her? Where should he even try to start to fill her in on the truth? Then he remembered what would probably irritate her worst of all. He closed his eyes and cringed. No, there was no way she could ever forgive him, so he couldn't possibly tell her the truth about … But if she was giving him a chance to prove his trustworthiness and he continued to hide this ...
"Oh, I think you'd better tell me what that's all about."
"Alina …"
"Right now," she insisted.
He moved his hand to his head and massaged his temple. Trying to figure out how to stay on her good side was going to be the end of him. And yet, he could not bear the alternative. No matter how he tried to manipulate things, if she could read his emotions so easily, she would eventually find out the truth. She was directly telling him she would not forgive further deceit. He had to tell her. "Very well," he finally agreed. "As long as you are forgiving mistakes of the past."
He strode to his desk, opened a lower drawer, and pulled out a large black box. He carried it back to the chaise in his bedchamber and sat it in front of her before opening the lid to reveal the letters from the tracker and her letters to him. They were rumpled from being read many times; the ink bled in a few places.
Alina gasped when she saw the handwriting, but then the anger clouded her eyes as she saw how many of them there were.
"How could you?!" she yelled.
"Alina …"
"You knew how much he meant to me! How it hurt me that he wouldn't write back! I poured my heart out ... You let me think that he had abandoned me … so that I'd have no one to turn to but you," she realized, her eyes turning on him with accusation.
"So that you would have nowhere to go but forward," he clarified.
The sting of her hand slapping his face for the second time that day was enough to make him wince. "Alina, I really do not like being hit." It made him feel like a child. He wouldn't stop her, though. He knew he deserved much worse.
"How could you? How could you? You knew what that did to me. Didn't you care about me at all? About my feelings?"
"I didn't kill him out of respect for you," he said coldly. "It would have been simple. Army accident, my army. But I couldn't do that to you."
"Am I supposed to thank you for that?" The anger was fully back, as he expected. But any forgiveness until he admitted this would have been false. He was stupid enough to want her to actually fully accept him, even when he knew that couldn't be.
"You could thank me or you could just read your letters, Alina. Be glad I decided to give them to you. From the first one that I read it was obvious to me that he was holding you back. You would never let yourself move on as Grisha with him. I did what you needed."
"You don't get to decide that!" She shook her head with anger and opened her mouth to retaliate, but then instead started scanning the first letter.
"Keep them," he whispered. "I'll give you some space to read them if you wish."
Her eyes met his. "You will fetch him for me at once."
Of all her reactions, he had not expected that one. He stared at her dumbfounded.
"Mal," she clarified. "Don't tell me you don't know where he is. I know better now. You will fetch him at once."
"And you think that's a good idea? Putting me, you know what I'm capable of, in the same place as your, what? You think that's going to go well?"
"Aleksander, if you want a relationship, it must be a partnership. I am allowed to have friends. I won't be involved with you trying to seclude me anymore. You feel very alone, but that does not give you the right to make me feel alone."
"I let you have friends," he stubbornly insisted. "Friends who lift you up-Nadia, Marie, Genya." Okay, one of them was dead and one was his spy. It seemed an inappropriate moment to bring that up, and she was continuing her tirade anyway.
"If we are going to make this work, then you will find a way to control your anger and those impulses to manipulate. You will let me talk to Mal, uninterrupted. And if you don't agree with that, then let's see how your shadow magic matches against my sun as I try to leave!"
She was calling his bluff. He couldn't do that to her and she knew it. "And what happens when he makes you realize you truly have been sleeping with a monster?"
"Then I tell him to shut up because he doesn't know what he's talking about. You have to trust me enough to handle that."
He stared into her eyes and wondered if this would be the last time she'd talk to him civilly. Mal would tell her that he'd tried to get to her, and he'd stopped him. Mal would make her fear his dark "shadow magic." Mal would tell her to get away from him, but she had already directly told him that if he opposed this, he would lose her. Oh, he would win the power test. Her natural talent was strong but he had the experience. Having control of her power would not change her heart. Ever. If he let her have as she requested, was it possible it wouldn't go the way he imagined? It was worth the risk. "As you wish, but remember who you are. You are Grisha, and he is nothing."
Author's Notes: I do hope you enjoyed this chapter. This is actually the very first chapter of the entire story that I wrote many months ago and that inspired the whole thing. What if Alina had bonded enough to Aleksander that she confronted him when she learned the truth? What if Aleksander had bonded enough to Alina that he actually let her behind his walls and was willing to open up to her with the truth? How would they get there? Where would they go from there? It's my favorite scene, and I hope you enjoyed it too.
I'm sure people will ask if she's actually going to meet with Mal. The answer is yes, but don't worry. There will be no lusting after Mal here. It's Aleksander's POV. Mal isn't even on screen. Aleksander has no desire to see that crap, I don't want to write it, and you (probably) don't want to read it. It seemed important for me to let Alina realize for herself that Mal is bad for her (and she will). This Alina has had a bit more time to develop her self-esteem and she doesn't feel as tricked by Aleksander and shamed by Baghra's words. She's seen enough to realize there's more to the story. The next chapter is sad-puppy-eyed Aleksander angsting over Alina. You will definitely want to cuddle him.