"Where's the girl?"

Aleksander cringed at Baghra's voice. He didn't want to remember this.

"Your sun summoner?"

He whimpered. He couldn't say the word. Tears flooded his eyes. "Please …"

"Dead?

A guttural cry escaped him. "She died because I couldn't protect her. I tried. I tried, but she wouldn't let …"

"She died because she rejected who you are. If you weren't so awful, maybe she could have trusted you, maybe she would have stayed."

Aleksander awoke with a gasp. He struggled to catch his breath as he realized he was still lying on Alina's chest. Safe. Her heart was still beating.

She said nothing as she soothingly ran her fingers through his hair to give him time to calm back down from his nightmare. He appreciated it because he needed it. He reminded himself to focus on her breathing. His head throbbed from drinking too much kvas with Fedyor the night before. He couldn't think. How did he find the words to make her trust him again so that his worst nightmares wouldn't come true?

At some point, the quiet just gave him more time to worry, though. Could Alina ever possibly forgive him? Would she turn on him now that she knew the truth? Could she find it in her to love him again? Would she choose the tracker? Would she still help him protect Grisha if she turned on him? How long did he have to still have her in his life? It was almost like wondering how long he would have air, but really, it was sunshine.

He wanted to stay in her arms forever, but he could not remain trapped in his thoughts anymore. "Do you want to go to breakfast together?" His voice was hoarse from sleepiness, at least that's what he told himself. "Or we could have it brought here?"

"Thank you, but I will be spending the day with Mal." Her chin jutted out as if she were daring him to fight that pronouncement.

"I see." He sighed. Was this all he would get? A few hours of sleep with her? He would certainly take it over nothing, but why did she want to go be with the tracker? That idiot had always taken her for granted, done nothing to help with her self-esteem … Aleksander ground his teeth to stop himself from pointing out all of the tracker's flaws.

"Are you good now?" she asked as she rose from the bed and went over to their shared closet.

"Thank you for letting me sleep."

She started to dress and did nothing to hide her beautiful body from his gaze. Perhaps this was payback for his stripping in front of her the night before. Perhaps she wanted him to stare with longing as maybe she had? Or maybe she found the idea of covering up in front of each other just as awkward as he had. Then he saw what she was putting on.

Blue.

It was an arrow straight through his heart, and it hurt every bit as much as one. He knew that pain all too well from experience. "You will not be wearing that today," he commanded.

"I will be wearing whatever I choose." Her eyes stared right into his for a long moment, almost like a staring content, and then she went back to buttoning the blue kefta.

"Why?" He was desperate to understand her reasoning as he tried to hold together his composure.

"I like blue, very me, don't you think?"

"Are you trying to torture me?" He gave up on trying to appear commanding and just let the pain show in his voice. "That outfit has hurt me every time you put it on since I offered you my colors." Rejection, over and over again. It took on a new meaning now that she had already aligned herself with him. Now, it meant she disavowed their bond and that she wanted everyone to know she was no longer his.

She tilted her head and stared at him for a long moment. "Are you going to stop me?"

Finally, he caved and shook his head. "Wear what you want." In the end, it was an outfit, one that hurt him, but an outfit nonetheless. They had more important things to agree on like protecting Grisha and the Fold. If letting her wear blue was what made her more willing to negotiate, he could endure the pain and humiliation as everyone gossiped about her leaving him.

"Has it occurred to you that maybe I'm testing you?"

He glanced up, his eyes wide. He was an expert at analyzing people and situations and reading any room. How did she always manage to surprise him? Why could he not think clearly when it came to her? "Testing me?"

"Baghra said you wanted to make me your slave, to take away my free will. I wanted to see what you would do if I insisted on my way with something I knew you disagreed with."

"Alina …" His mother's words again, tearing them apart. Is that what Alina thought? That he had done things against her will? That he was willing to? "I know you are upset with me for keeping you from your old life and forcing you to focus on your new one, but besides that … did I ever do anything against your will to make you believe her? Did I … not understand your consent? Did I make you think you had to? Did I touch you when you didn't want to or …? " He could not live with himself if any of that was true.

She was quiet for a moment. Her eyes flicked as she seemed to sort through memories or assess their previous interactions. "Never."

"Then, why are you even considering believing her?"

"Because you didn't give me a chance to make those decisions with full knowledge of who you are or the situation with Mal."

The criticism hurt. Was it fair? He was so lost in his head that he wasn't sure anymore. "It started with needing you to trust me, but then I got to know you. Would you understand if I said I was just so excited for someone to actually care about me … even if that required hiding who I was from you so you could." Tears filled his eyes, but he would not let them fall. "Your love was so … addictive. I guess I just wanted to pretend that you could love me. It felt good."

"You assume you had to hide who you were from me, that I couldn't love who you actually are. You don't know that. You didn't give me a chance to even figure that out."

"I'm trying to give you that chance now."

"I know."

"So?"

"So I'm giving you some tests." She shrugged. "I'm trying to figure out what's real. I'm paying attention to if you still lie to me, hide things from me, or if you try to manipulate me."

"If it was a test, then did I pass?"

"You're working on it." She walked over to him and squeezed his arm. "Try not to spend the entire day stressing. Mal and I have a lot to catch up on. I'll see you tonight."

"Wait," he said, rising from the bed and grabbing her arm before she could leave. She paused and looked up at him with curiosity but a bit of apprehension. He hated that she had been convinced to fear him, even a little, again. "I can't let you go without a guard. Don't give me grief about that. The tracker cannot protect you from Fjerdan assassins. Fedyor will still be sleeping off the extreme amount of alcohol we consumed last night. Let's leave Ivan to tend to him. Plus, I'm more comfortable with Ivan guarding you at night." He didn't want to admit out loud that it was so he could know if she slept with the tracker. "Let me take you to Inessa," he started to suggest just as the woman stepped into the doorway of the war room.

"Ivan sent for me. He thought you might need me this morning." Aleksander smiled. That was exactly why Ivan was second-in-command. He always thought things through.