Chapter 16

-WARNING-This chapter contains spoilers for Demon in the Wood-

Finally alone in his chambers with a tub full of water, Aleksander found himself running his hands along Alina's bare body. He could not help admiring her beauty as he ran his palm over the curve of her hip. "I've missed this," he whispered. He kissed down her neck to her collarbone. "Touching, feeling, the way the connection between us flows back and forth when we are both feeling content." He placed a hand on her side and just let himself feel her. Everything they needed to ease the ache in their chests was in their connection.

She leaned toward him and began kissing across his chest. She had always taken pleasure in kissing his scars, but today she paused. Her fingers lingered on the raised round spots that splattered across his chest. "Are these from that night? With Luda?" she asked cautiously.

He could tell from the emotional pull of their bond that she was unsure if it was okay to talk about, but she wanted to know more. Now that she knew of Luda, he was grateful to be able to acknowledge that night. "They are. She healed the internal damage, but they shot me with another round before the outside healed, and then they caught her." He shivered at the memory, but it was good for Alina to know. Maybe it would help her understand what their enemies were capable of and why they could not let compassion influence them to make stupid tacticle mistakes.

"Have you ever thought of letting Genya heal them?"

He shook his head. "I could not find a healer for her that night. They had murdered too many of us. If she could not be made whole again, then neither could I."

"You have the scars whether they show or not. It's how we let them affect us that matters." She leaned down and kissed one and then another.

"They don't bother you?" he checked. He did not wish to have them removed, but he would do anything for her.

She shook her head and kissed another scar. "I've always found your scars quite sexy, actually. They show me how strong you are. Now that I know what all you have endured, they show me your strength in a new way."

He leaned down and kissed her, softly, sweetly. This intimacy was everything that he had missed, and he couldn't get enough of it. "There used to be more." He held up his wrist and ran his fingers along the inside. "It scarred badly from where I had pulled against the bonds with such force. I tried to keep them, but … I could not tolerate it, not on my wrists. Every time they brushed the fabric of my sleeve, it triggered the memories of being helpless. I finally let a tailor fix them, not Genya. It was centuries ago. Some scars can be harmful, and we need to let them go." He touched one of the raised scars near his ribs. "These are the ones I wanted to keep."

Her hand traced along a long scar diagonally from his shoulder. "And this one?"

He had planned a break from figuring out how to share things with her, but this way seemed so natural. With her love flooding over him, it wasn't as hard. "That one was a Fjerdan sword that tried to slice me in half. They had been raiding farther and farther south into Ravka, kidnapping all Grisha to burn on their pyres. They even took children. We decided to be aggressive and defend our country and our people. I led the charge to chase them out myself. We successfully defended some villages and had them retreating, but we followed them into Fjerda to a place they stored and tortured Grisha awaiting trial. We liberated it, but it was not without cost." He gently touched the deep scar tissue. "We were outnumbered. I was able to use my power to keep the Fjerdans from sending in reinforcements. But the children … I had to get them out of there. My second-in-command died for following my command to free the children. I ran in myself after that. I couldn't leave the children, not the children. The sword slashed deep into my chest, and I fell on top of the children that I was rescuing. The Fjerdan who tried to kill me turned and left us for dead to chase the rest of my soldiers. This wound let us escape. That's how Ivan came to the Little Palace. He was one of the children who hid under my bleeding chest. His parents had been burned on the pyre. He had a twin brother who didn't survive the torture they used to determine if the children were Grisha. I'm sorry he seems gruff and demanding of your power. He knows more than anyone what we are up against, and the cost if we don't succeed at protecting our people." He worried that he shouldn't speak of such dark thoughts. It might disrupt the calm contentment that had come over her in the bath, but, then, wasn't trying to shelter her from the truth exactly what he had nearly lost her over? Maybe this was how he learned to be more honest with her, by sharing one painful memory at a time until she knew enough to understand the harder decisions.

"Has there ever been a moment of your life that wasn't filled with horrors?"

"When I'm with you."

She kissed the shoulder and down his arm, then interlaced their fingers. "Perhaps, then, this is a better way to get you to share with me?"

"Promise to just keep kissing me, and I'll tell you anything." Maybe he didn't mean it. Maybe he did. The warmth that radiated from her as she kissed her way back to his chest and down his side kept so many of his worries at bay. Her gentle acceptance as he shared his past pains with her made them less hard to share.

"This one?" she asked about the thick scar that sliced around his thigh.

"That one's from when I was a child," he dismissed with a shrug.

She looked him in the eye. "And?"

Could she understand that one now? Would she see him as a monster if he shared the truth or would she kiss him again as she had for the others? This one was different. He hadn't been saving anyone but himself. "A friend tried to kill me, so I killed her instead."

He waited for the fear and revulsion to move through her to him, but it didn't come. "Your friend tried to kill you? When you were a child? How? Why?"

"She wanted to wear my bones for their power. I didn't want to die."

"Saints! Aleks!" He could feel the pain in her, but it was … sympathy? She was feeling his pain. No one had ever cared about him like that before.

"It's nothing. It was a long time ago."

"Your friend betrayed and tried to kill you as a child to steal your power and wear your bones, and that's nothing?! You don't think that maybe that has something to do with your difficulty trusting? In opening up?"

"I … I suppose? It's just that any time I've let myself be vulnerable, it hasn't ended well."

She leant down and kissed his leg where it came up above the water. "We change that. Starting now. I want to be the one you can share everything with, Aleksander, no matter how horrible it is."

He kissed her desperately, as if it might be his last. He wanted to be able to share everything with her, too, more than anything. He feared it was only a dream that she could know everything and accept him, but for tonight he would let himself believe that dream. "What can I do to give you what you need tonight? Alina, I am yours, for anything you need."

Emotions ebbed back and forth between them as she lay against his chest. She sought his reassurance to speak from her soul. "The truth is that I only feel whole when I'm with you. Take me to bed and make me feel whole again? Please?"

"You're sure?" he asked. "You know who I am, what I'm capable of. I don't want you to regret this tomorrow. I could never do that to you."

"You promised me a night of feeling good, a break from trying to figure everything out. I want to enjoy my night. Whatever we decide about us, I want a night of ecstasy as only you can give me. Please?"

He would not make her beg. With her assurance that she truly wanted him, he lifted her from the tub and carried her to their room.