Aleksander was conscious, but he refused to wake up. Alina was flooding him with her light so he could sleep, and he did not want to give it up. They had agreed to a night of heaven without worry of figuring everything out, but where did that leave them today?

He was somewhat reassured by her confession last night that she needed him as he needed her. If she felt the pull between them as well, then surely they could find a path forward. That didn't change the fact that there was so much that he needed to tell her. It didn't make it any easier to explain any of it. He could run through all the scenarios in his head again, but that would result in the same crippling agony he ended up with night after night. Perhaps he should just send her on her own to talk with David. Could she possibly believe he didn't want her as a slave after that? The image of her screaming her hatred at him wouldn't leave his head until he actually thought of something worse. What if what she learned made her run with the tracker? Alina had shared that the tracker already had a plan. The truth could prompt her to follow through with it. What if Zlatan found them? Now it was her head rolling from her body that he saw again.

"Aleksander," she said his name so sweetly as she wrapped her arms tighter around his chest. "I can feel that. Stop." She sent her reassurance through their bond.

"Please don't leave me." The words were barely a whisper, but he could not hold them in. His heart reached out to hers and begged for her to stay. They could solve anything else together if she would just stay.

"Please don't hurt me," was her response, a fair request revealing her deepest fears.

Aleksander met her gaze and nodded. The seriousness of that commitment made his heart ache. He let her feel through the bond how much he meant it. He feared hurting her too, but he would give all of him to prevent that. "I never want to hurt you. I would take any pain on myself, any, if it meant I didn't hurt you."

They stayed that way a long time, just staring into each other's eyes, emotions flowing back and forth between them. She seemed to accept his determination not to hurt her, even if bits of self doubt and fear crept back in occasionally. He tried to reassure himself of her love, but his worry about how to try to explain everything to her still kept creeping in. It was impossible to prevent the panic he felt at the idea of losing her. Her emotions could calm him, but then he would stress again on finding the right words to make her understand everything, and the ache in his heart would reignite again.

"Aleksander? Talk to me. I know it's hard for you to trust and open up. You have been through so much. I understand that now, but you cannot go on with this pain inside you. Please try to tell me what's causing it. The more you actually open up, the more I feel I can trust you."

"It's just that I don't know how to be the man you want, the man you deserve, and I fear I will lose you anyway because I can never possibly share all of the dreadful secrets. Alina, I can't lose you, but I've been thinking of way after way to deal with this, and I can't … I can't." His jaw trembled with the effort of controlling his emotions. Damn it, he did not want to cry in front of her this morning. He was terrified, though, that Alina would leave him for any of the litany of good reasons she had.

"If it helps, I can feel how sincere you are about wanting to give me the honesty I request. I can tell, Aleksander. Are any of the secrets about important things?"

His lip quivering as he tried to control himself, he nodded.

"All right. So we just start with one. Tell me the biggest one. And then once we work through that, the others won't seem all so bad."

Which one even was the biggest one? He couldn't decide. Maybe he should tell her about Marie. He could just blurt that out without a lengthy explanation, but the guilt of that death would destroy her. How could he? How could he possibly do that to her?

"Aleksander!" she gasped. "It's tearing you apart. Guilt, pain, fear-you ache deeper than anything I have ever felt before. Please just tell me. Let's work through it together. However awful it is, it cannot be worth this amount of pain."

"If I tell you, then you will hurt, and I cannot do that to you. If I don't tell you and you find out, then you will leave me for the lie, and I cannot find the strength to bear that pain, Alina."

She took slow, deep breaths and sent reassurance and love through their connection. She waited several moments like that, just breathing and feeling, taking his pain and meeting it with love. "I want you to tell me. We can face the pain stronger together. I promise I will forgive you if you can manage to tell me now. You do not wish to hurt me, but I am strong, and we are together. Tell me."

"Marie is dead." It was barely a whisper, but the look of shock on her face made it clear that she had heard.

"Marie?! How? What happened?" She was processing the grief when she gasped with realization. "The winter fete! The attempt to assasination me … but you said ...Saints, Marie!"

He nodded as he experienced the sorrow anew with her. "She died to protect you. She was a good friend and a beautiful Grisha, strong, brave. The assassin slit her throat."

"That's why you've been having nightmares of my death? Oh, Aleksander, why didn't you tell me?"

"Luda died for me. I know what it is to have someone you care about killed when they were just trying to protect you. She isn't the only one. The guilt of that loss is something I never wanted you to know."

She cuddled into his chest as the emotions of that hit her, and he hugged her tight as he gave her a moment to process her friend's death. How many times had he dealt with those emotions over the centuries? And, yet, he could not think of a single word to say that would actually make that pain any better.

"My sweet, caring, Aleksander," she whispered. "Some moments I'm so afraid of your dark side, but then you say something like that. You kept all the pain inside yourself so I wouldn't feel any. That's not what I want you to do at all, but I can feel you did it out of love. You've been dealing with the trauma of Marie's death, her death disguised as me, on your own this whole time. I don't even think you realize how severely it's been affecting you. You lost one love to the king's army, and now another young Grisha, who looked like me at the time, has been slaughtered by another army general. And you just wanted to keep all of that inside you? You ask too much of yourself. I've been feeling all your pain, but I didn't know why or how to help. You should have told me." Her voice was so soft. It felt less like a reprimand and more a plea for the closeness of sharing. "We could have processed this pain together. You could have helped me. Aleksander, you are not alone. Together, we deal with this loss together."

Tears came to his eyes, and this time he did not bother to blink them away. Marie deserved his tears. Every Grisha who died for the cause did. He told himself the tears had nothing to do with dealing with the abject loneliness he'd felt for over half a millennium. "Her grave is in the Little Palace cemetery. I had a nice headstone made for her. We could go visit it together if you'd like."

She nodded. "Could we invite Nadia? Can I tell Nadia? Does she know? She should know too."

Aleksander squeezed her hand. "I will let you decide what it's best for your friend to know."

"Does it feel better to have that secret out of your chest now? No wonder it was tearing you up to keep that inside."

"I …" He wasn't quite sure. He still did not like that his words had caused Alina pain, but it was nice to not have to hide that from her anymore or continue to work through how to tell her. "At least I can better explain the nightmares now. You know why I have been so protective … and scared." He admitted the emotion he had not even truly let himself acknowledge inside himself. Fear had been making him do a lot of things lately.

She interlaced her fingers in his. "Are the other secrets like this? Things that are just going to make me want to hug you all the more?"

"I suppose some might be." Many things in his past were filled with so much pain. He had done some truly awful things over the years, but maybe she could see his pain through those decisions. "The really big one I fear might make you want to run off with the tracker after all."

"I won't," she reassured him. "I know I can't take that path. Even if I get really angry with you, like I did when Baghra told me you lied about your identity, I'm not picking to run and hide. Suppressing my true self made me sick. I refuse to be weak and ill to hide again."

"I would understand if you pick to cut off my head after all, then."

"That bad?"

He nodded as he tried to contain the emotion that stirred within him as he thought of what her reaction might be. He could not take it if she hated him. His heart could not take any more rejection. "It … I guess it depends. Will you judge me for what's possible that I haven't done? Will you even believe me? Can you possibly trust me? It will certainly reignite your doubts of me, and I don't want … I don't want to go back there." After opening himself to her so thoroughly last night and into the morning, he found that words just came tumbling out on their own without his careful control.

"So … there's something truly awful that's possible that's going to make me want to cut off your head but you haven't done it, and you're going to trust me enough to tell me about it? But you're afraid to? Should we just rip the bandage off this wound now?" she asked. "It's causing you immense pain the longer we let it fester. I will worry until I see how bad it truly is. Let's just cauterize it and start fresh?"

He nodded. She was right. His heart would not stop aching until she knew. She could not love and accept him until she knew what he could do. He just wished he wasn't terrified it would make her forever fear and hate him. "Perhaps you will believe David." It was his only hope.

"David?" Her voice rose in surprise. "The fabrikator? What does he have to do with this?"

He took a deep breath. "Let's go visit him. You'll see."

She kissed him gently before rising to dress. Making no effort to hide his stare, he let himself memorize her curves while she seemed to still appreciate his gaze upon her body. He wasn't sure it would last, but he would take in every moment with her while he had them. He gasped when he saw her kefta. "Black? You would …"

"I would." Half-dressed, she walked over and kissed him more passionately this time. "I told you that I only feel whole when I'm with you. I need you as much as you need me. I thought maybe that was fake and you were deceiving me, but the more I get to know you, I really don't think so, Aleksander. You need me. I don't think either one of us is particularly good about letting ourselves need someone else, but I'm done fighting against myself. It's something I've been pondering as you slept. Maybe it's okay to need each other. We are stronger together. Whatever this is that you're about to tell me, we face it together. "