Shouto Todoroki

"Oi." Bakugou's gruff voice splintered the web of thought that Todoroki had spun around himself. "Oi. You done zoning out?" Todoroki nodded. "Then when was the last time you cut?"

This morning. "About a month ago," Todoroki muttered with his typical insouciance. "I just get self-conscious about the scars. The bandages don't do much when you think about it, but knowing the scars are covered puts me more at ease, I guess. But I'm not taking them off. It would be like rubbing salt into the wound." He rested his head against Bakugou's chest to listen to the cadence of the ash-blonde's heartbeat.

Bakugou cautiously massaged around Todoroki's neck and shoulders. "'Kay… Fair enough. But why didn't you tell me? I had no fucking idea that you had all this going on… You seemed like you were fine, but obviously, you weren't. Didn't you say I could tell you anything, so I told you that you could tell me anything?"

"How was I supposed to bring it up?" Todoroki sibilated in a splenetic growl. "What, bluntly tell you, 'Katsuki, I want to fucking die.' 'Katsuki, I have depression, and the way I deal with that is by slitting my wrists.' Would you tell that to my face? I didn't think so. Wouldn't you rather have to not deal with someone else's problems? I hate talking about it, and I didn't want to drag you into something I did to myself that therefore makes it my problem alone. I don't want anyone to look at me or treat me differently because of the connotations of those fucking epithets. 'Cutter.' I hate that…no matter how true it is. I just want to be seen as and treated as a person, even if it means throwing away my veracity. Now that you know the truth, what do you think of me? How do I make you feel?"

Ensnared in a dither, Bakugou bit his lower lip. "Tch. No matter what you supposedly do to yerself, that doesn't mean you have to live with the burden alone and bottle everything up. But I feel fucking ashamed. All this time, I thought you were happy. I thought I knew you. I feel awful for everything. I feel terrible for you. But have you ever considered gettin' some help?" He held Todoroki a bit tighter.

"A prime example of what I didn't want," Todoroki murmured while intertwining his hand with Bakugou's. "You shouldn't have to feel like that because of me. I don't want to be someone you treat well…just because I'm just that worthless. I don't want the awkward sympathy. I don't want you to pity me when you think of me or when you see me. Now, when you think of me, you probably feel bad and think about the depressing things I told you. I just wanted you to keep treating me like you used to. But I'm fine, Katsuki. I don't need help. I feel fine now, but I wasn't fine before. I really wanted to die… But I'm past that. I'm not at my lowest point anymore. I'm okay now. So…tell me why you cheated on me." He gently kissed Bakugou's warm, bare chest.

Every time I think about trying to leave this relationship, I remember how he makes me feel. How his touch feels. How he feels. But I just want him to be mine, like that's how it was all supposed to go. My cheater and my mistakes.

Bakugou ran his hands from Todoroki's shoulders to his waist while contemplating on how to respond. "Look… At first, I was pissed, and I just needed to talk to someone. I really fucking needed someone to talk to, or else I would've exploded. I didn't know what the hell to do when I got the news about my parents, so I talked to Shitty Hair, and he was so fucking understanding and kind. You wouldn't talk to me, so I talked to him…and then, things escalated over time. I just felt so betrayed and hurt by how you didn't pick up that night after all the times I called you and texted you. I shouldn't have let my kiss with him escalate. After all he'd fucking done for me, I couldn't say no. The relationship just grew from there. I loved him. I was getting ready to break up with you, and I was gonna do it today, but… After hearing your side of the story, I realize how fucking blind I was. I love you, Shouto…"

I hate you, Katsuki, Todoroki impetuously thought to himself while curling his hands into fists. I fucking hate you! You don't love me. You hated me. You wanted me out of your life. You can't just fall back in love with me because I told you the hideous truth. Bullshit. Don't lie to yourself. You don't love me at all. You're just pitying me. I hate you. Why? For lying to yourself on my behalf. For cheating on me in the first place when you could've just broken up with me. For putting yourself through all this shit because of me. I hate you… But I'll always hate myself more than I could ever hate you.

Feigning a smile to counterpoise his desire to scowl, Todoroki whispered in a light chuckle, "I love you more." A twinge of pain tore through his heart; he and Bakugou had quite the propensity to engage in innocuous, playful arguments about who loved the other more.

"Shut up…"

"No."

"I hate you."

"I hate you more."

Snickering, Bakugou morphed his smirk into an exultant smile before fastening their lips together again. "I missed this," he sighed once their lips had unraveled. "I fucking missed this…" He gently rubbed his knuckles against Todoroki's slick, sweaty back. "Heh. When the clothes came off, ya made me feel like shit for not giving you a chance to be my dom. I know you made it shitty and hell for me on purpose, and hot damn, you took a piece of my pride with you. But, oi." He slowly exhaled as his breath blanketed Todoroki's flesh. "Probably hella selfish, but…can I just cuddle you like this? I fucking miss the feel of just yer body in my arms." His hands stroked down Todoroki's vertebrae.

I missed this too, but I wish that I didn't. "All you had to do was give me a chance…" Todoroki murmured, seemingly as an insinuation. "You couldn't have given me one chance to be the one on top?" He'd felt how Bakugou's heartbeat exponentially hastened at what seemed like a point-blank jab at the intractable ash-blonde's unwillingness to understand or even listen to Todoroki's side of the story. "Now, you're mine."

For a moment that felt like a minute, Bakugou was silent. "Oi. This ain't relevant whatsoever, but…Shouto, are you okay?" He shifted his position ever so slightly.

You couldn't have asked me that when I felt like no one really cared about me? Todoroki cogitated while his wroth thoughts beleaguered his deteriorating mind. Then again, I've always been okay. It just feels like the world doesn't want me to be happy. I can be okay without being happy, and I can be happy without being okay. Cuddling like this is pleasant, but it feels like the more the good feeling grows, the more empty I feel afterward. Like it's draining me just to feel something again. An eye for an eye. When I start to feel a pleasant feeling, it feels like the emptiness becomes a rusted spoon; it scrapes me out from the inside and grinds my feelings between its teeth as though grinding rocks. Creaking, scratching, grating… I want to shred my abdomen into a gaping wound so I can dig my nails into my stomach to rip, tear, and wrench out the emptiness digesting me from the inside.

"I'm better now, but thanks," Todoroki dejectedly sighed while his mind pulsed with the thoughts boiling through him. "It's behind me. I'm past it. It's just difficult to know what 'moving forward' really is, where I'm going, how I'll get there, and how far along I am. I never know, but I keep going. It feels endless. Ah. Can I be selfish and ask for another ki—"

Before Todoroki could finish, Bakugou impaled Todoroki's heart once more with the blade of the kiss they shared. Whetted by desperation and polished by passion, the blade without a heart felt like it had pierced through Todoroki's being. Yet, Todoroki wanted more. He didn't care if each kiss was another laceration tearing through his psyche, so he shrugged off the pain and embraced his beloved weapon again. With the warmth of Bakugou's body curled around him, the scent and memories of their time together sifting across his skin, and the taste of their exuberant kiss intoxicating him with the desire to keep holding on, Todoroki had finalized his thoughts.

I think it's time, Todoroki ruminated while Bakugou gradually sank from his reverie into a soft, saccharine repose. This way, you can be happy with Kirishima, and I can escape from my thoughts. I wake up, and every morning, I wonder: 'why am I still here?' I don't have an answer. All I know is that I don't want to do anything. Why bother getting up? What does it matter? I lie in my futon until my alarm goes off. Huh. How did time pass so fast when I wasn't doing anything? I don't know. But I always have to tell myself: 'it'll be worth it today. It'll be better today. Today isn't yesterday. Today will be better than yesterday. Fresh start. Be positive. Today will be a good day.' But 'today' always ends up as another 'yesterday.' So… 'Tomorrow will be better than today. Get through today to have a different tomorrow.' But 'tomorrow' becomes 'today' and 'today' becomes 'yesterday.' It's all the same. Tomorrow, today, yesterday… I hate them all. They all repeat. It's stultifying.

I don't want to wake up to tomorrow; the cycle starts with 'tomorrow.' I don't want to get through today. I don't want to remember yesterday. Dragging my feet day after day just makes my skin feel numb. It's old. It's tiring. I hate it. But there's bound to be a patch of that sunlight everyone talks about just around that corner since I've come this far for it, right? No. Corner after corner, hope after hope… I turn the same corner every single day, and I go around in a circle, thinking I'm getting somewhere. But if I keep walking, surely…it'll be there soon. It all just feels numb. I forget why I'm walking at all, but I know I have to keep walking to break free. Well, I'm tired of walking the same loop just to end up in the same place as yesterday, but even more exhausted with each completed loop. The loop ends if there's no more 'tomorrow' to start it again. Goodbye, Tomorrow. Goodbye, Katsuki.