Shouto Todoroki

I can't believe I lashed out like that, Todoroki growled to himself in self-reproach as he embraced Bakugou. I love this. I love him. Damn. I can't forgive either of us. But who knew that a hug could make me feel so loved but so empty and lonely? I have no right to be feeling like this. I'm so confused. Why do I feel so awful all the time when I should be happy with what I have and where I am?

"I love your hugs," he finally murmured while his words tapered off like the trail of a tear. "So, why…does it feel like this one is breaking me?" He snuggled himself into the faint tinges of warmth inevitably emanating from Bakugou's chest.

In place of a response, Bakugou brought their lips together, but as the grip of their lips grew, the speed of their movements did too. Bakugou kissed his lover again and again with augmented ardor, and as the two gradually shuffled back to the nearest wall, he licked over Todoroki's lower lip. As Todoroki's eyelids fluttered closed, their clothing began to flutter to the floor. Dripping, soaked piles of semi-translucent fabric slid across their flesh and slumped onto the ground.

[There was a smut scene here, but if you'd like to read it, head over to AO3. The text following this message is where the smut would've ended.]

It's like I'm drinking but without the use of alcohol. Swallowing down affection, pleasure, and the feeling of company at my side, but then receiving such heavy side effects from my choices. It hurts inside in a way I can't explain. It hurts but it doesn't. It's like a numb ache that won't go away, and all of this has just exacerbated it in the end. But I'd rather feel this and all the pain it brings than sadness that wrenches my soul apart. And now that the high's worn off, I crave more to fend off the loneliness, the helplessness, the emptiness… This cycle just keeps going on and on. I can't get out.

"I don't know what to do…" Todoroki finally uttered in a dejected growl. "It feels like all of my attempts to feel happy again just hurt me. If I went to bed now, I don't think I'd be able to get up tomorrow. Facing another day… The thought makes me want to cry, but when I want to cry, I'm never able to. I'd rather sleep than feel either pain or emptiness all the time. I don't even know why I'm telling you this. I shouldn't be. I'm sorry…"

Bakugou gently spun Todoroki to face him, and with a soft sigh, he rested Todoroki's chin over his shoulder while holding him fast. "Don't be apologizing for that, dammit," he hissed innocuously. "Babe, you've been keepin' this all to yourself for too long. Bet it's relieving to get it off your chest. Tell me anything, 'kay?" He lifted Todoroki's sticky, damp body off the floor and carried him into the bathroom. "We both need a shower."

Todoroki nodded, and before he knew it, he was carried into the shower. Ribbons of translucent beadlets sprang from above and rained onto the cool, tiled floor. A light, misty steam swirled around their heads as Bakugou lowered his lover down.

"Nn." Todoroki flinched at the scalding needles of water puncturing his wounds through the bandages.

"O—"

Bakugou was promptly interjected by Todoroki. "I know you already told me, but…why did you cheat on me?" Todoroki lathered his hands up with soap and delicately scrubbed around Bakugou's upper half.

I'm only hurting myself more by staying with you, but I don't care. I want to be with you. I want you all to myself. I don't care if it's selfish. I'll never be able to forgive myself for doing this and thinking this way, but the truth still stands. And the fact that he still wants to be with me after everything that's happened… I hate him for that, but I also love him for that.

The crackling splatter of water against the tiles chirped through the room for quite a while before Bakugou finally parted his lips to speak. "I didn't know what you were goin' through," he murmured with a salient undertone of shame caking his voice. "I thought you'd had enough of me and just ignored me. You—"

"Maybe this is selfish of me to say, but more than anyone, you should've known that I wouldn't leave you so abruptly." Todoroki's words were like a glacier of ice. "I didn't leave you completely after that. I don't know exactly when you cheated on me, but you were still with me for a while after I found out. Why? Why didn't…you break up with me when you got together with Kirishima?" Todoroki rubbed away some of the suds dancing over Bakugou's skin while Bakugou daubed his partner's chest with soap.

You don't understand how much you hurt me by choosing to stay with me, Todoroki thought with a slight grimace. I felt so worthless. Do you know how many times I cut myself because I knew I couldn't be enough for you? Because I was jealous and hated myself for that? Because I fucking hate myself for all those reasons and many others? It was like trying to negate pain with pain because the effects were immediate. It worked, but it also didn't, obviously.

Bakugou didn't dare meet Todoroki's lifeless, lachrymose gaze. "I know… I was blinded by frustration and spite. Seeing the situation with your view added in, I… Fucking hell. I did all the wrong things and acted like you were in the wrong and I was in the right. Tch." He paused once his hands reached Todoroki's elbows. "Oi. The bandages. Ain't this gonna hurt like hell?"

Bakugou's remark caused Todoroki to furrow his brows; as far as Bakugou had been informed, there were only old scars beneath the bandages. Despite what Todoroki could infer from the silent yet voiced assumptions, he nonetheless peeled the bandages away and disposed of them in the trash. Silently, he meticulously cleaned around his wounds.

Maybe if he realizes how much I lie about myself and how awful of a person I am, he'll leave me to be with Kirishima, Todoroki internally pondered while feeling hefty eyes of vermillion piercing through his being. I can't bring myself to break up with him. He's mine. I'm his. He's my cheater. I hate myself for being so jealous of his relationship with Kirishima. For being as selfish and possessive as I am. For not being able to let go of an asshole that breaks me more and more with each shard of the truth that I learn from him. We're both very selfish, but clearly, I'm the one that's the most selfish.

"Those don't look like they're old," Bakugou finally muttered in a vexed growl. "They look hella recent. Is everything you say to me just a fucking lie? Fuck. Don't take that the wrong way." He interlaced his hand with Todoroki's hand to examine the latter's wrist. "I figured you were still cutting, but goddammit… Shouto, you seriously need some fucking help for this."

"It's fine."

"What the hell?"

"I just wanted to know what it felt like to be in the shoes of someone who would do this."

"Bullshit. Absolute fucking bullshit. Why do you keep lying to my face?!"

Isn't that funny…coming from the liar that cheated on me, huh? Even so, I lied first. I promised him I was happy, and that I would tell him if I was ever feeling down. I wasn't happy, and I never told him anything. I lied to make him believe I was okay. But that facade is who I am. I'm okay.

While Todoroki rinsed his shampoo-swirled hair, he sighed, "Can you really accuse me of lying when you obviously don't know me as well as you think you do?"

"Tch! Fuck you," Bakugou virulently spat. "Doesn't change the fact that you cut into your wrists. Some of those must've been deep wounds. Shit… You can't keep doin' this to yourself." He released Todoroki's hand and helped him to rinse out his hair. "Oi. I knew something felt different when I was holding you. You've lost weight again. Damn. Now I know why you go through cycles of eating normally and never eating much." His hands caressed Todoroki's sides like a swift breeze.

Thinking about you with Kirishima made me very sad, and whenever I'm sad like that, I never have an appetite. I just remember the good times we've had, feel a little better, and then feel the urge to tear myself apart because I start warping my memories with you to where I'm just a bystander watching your relationship with Kirishima grow. Another blade goes into my wrist for every part of me that never ends up being enough for you. Then, I crawl into my futon, and I can't find a reason to leave other than to repeat yesterday again.

For a few discomfiting minutes, Todoroki was silent. "Why are you still with me?" he finally inquired as the bowstrings of water trickling down was squeezed into a few squeaking droplets. "You were going to break up with me, right? I'd assume that the only reason you're still with me is because of what you now know. That's… That's not…love, Katsuki. That's pity. I don't want that." He sighed and stepped out of the shower to dry off. "I like kissing you, hugging you, and everything we do together, but is it worth it when it's all just a lie? Just…friends with benefits, essentially? Is that what we are? I love you. I do… But—"

Bakugou silenced Todoroki with a kiss that curled their digits into their flesh. Lips perfervidly swerved, flecks of water from their bodies danced through the air, and steaming breaths coalesced with the fading steam from the shower. They desperately clung to each other like magnets, and in their waltz to the wall to rouse the full flower of poisoned passion between them, Todoroki winced and pushed Bakugou against the wall.

Every physical, affectionate interaction with you gives me such a phenomenal high, but that high conceals the damage this is really doing to us both, Todoroki thought while Bakugou finally faltered into his partner's effervescent doting. One that feels too guilty to let go, and one that's too selfish to let go. It hurts. It's tearing me apart. I don't know what to do… The easy solution is to act like nothing happened and reap the rewards of our relationship. But is that the right solution? Please tell me…

A/N:
for those of you wondering why i removed the smut because most people have smut in things rated M like this fic is, check the guidelines for content rating. even if most people post explicit smut regardless, i will never post smut on here or on wattpad—it will only be on ao3. but really, this should only be a slight inconvenience at most when you can read it without even needing an account on ao3.