Shouto Todoroki

A week had passed since Todoroki's anathematized, mortifying encounter at the bridge with Bakugou and Kirishima. Both Bakugou and Kirishima had been regularly checking in on Todoroki to ensure that he was all right, and much to Todoroki's stupefaction, Kirishima never brought Bakugou into their conversations. Todoroki still managed to feign being fine for his other classmates, but as his love for Bakugou continued to grow with each endearing interaction between them, so too did the glass barrier of emptiness that sat in his stomach above his feelings. He couldn't deny that the feelings he'd swallowed were viciously and voraciously devouring him from the inside, but he could never seem to spill them out; a thick layer of glass demarcated him from his emotions.

Every time I'm with him, Todoroki reminisced while brushing his teeth at the sink in his bathroom, it cracks open that pocket of emptiness in me. Seeing him makes me want to cry. But I don't want to be overwhelmed by the feelings I have no right to be feeling when I'm in front of him. Not after what happened. But it keeps getting harder and harder to pretend like I'm okay. I can handle this on my own. Right. I don't have any right to be so fucking sad when I live such a perfect life, so I won't feel so sad.

"Hey, Todoroki…" Kirishima greeted Todoroki. "How are you doing? Just wanted to check in."

"Oh. That's kind of you. I'm all right. Thanks. Ah. And you?"

"Uh, I'm doing pretty well. But, well…are you sure you're all right?"

"Yeah. Thanks for saving me. Why did you decide to follow me?"

"Wasn't very manly of me to follow you, but I'm glad I did. I just… Something felt wrong. You also left without an umbrella or anything. I dunno. I felt like something bad was gonna happen. I was worried about you, 'cuz you didn't seem like yourself."

"I still wish you never followed me," Todoroki hissed under his breath. "I'll scrub this disgusting feeling inside of me, but it never comes off. I scrub and scrub, but I just end up breaking because it hurts too much; I've scrubbed myself raw, but I keep scrubbing again and again."

"I love you too, Shouto."

Todoroki winced and washed up while recalling how Bakugou had so seductively uttered that he loved him when Todoroki expatiated that they seemed like friends with benefits. He abhorred Bakugou's response, but he'd held his tongue and allowed the latter to bring their lips together again.

Even though it tortures me, I still want to be with you until the end. I had a feeling that this relationship wouldn't last and would eventually end. I knew… We're still just in high school. But…I got into it anyway, even though I had a feeling it would all just be built up to fall apart. No matter what, I'm going to cling onto this for as long as I can. I want things to go back to the way they were. I want us to be the same forever. But that's just not realistic. Things change and people change. Things come up that no one could've expected.

I'll keep holding on, even though it makes me hate us both. You're my best friend and my lover, and I don't want to lose our friendship, but if we broke up, I don't know if we'd be able to go back. I'm afraid of that. But it's so painful just to see your face. I can't let you go, even if I hate you so much. I don't care if you cheated on me. I want you. I love you. I need you, Katsuki. But this love will always be a reminder of my mistakes, a bullet of self-loathing in my temple, and a knife of regret in my chest.

A shiver ran through Todoroki's core. He recognized that deplorable serpent of desire, but as it continued to coil around his chest until he felt like his skull would combust and fulminate with the urge driving poisoned nails into his thoughts, he was subjugated by its lethal command. It pulsed through his head and wriggled through his hazy vision, but there was no escape.

Todoroki had only dragged a blade across his flesh twice within the week-long timespan, and that had been two relatively deep lacerations around his ankle. He'd promised Bakugou that he would say if he had any self-injurious thoughts or feelings, but he still refused to do so. The withdrawal from cutting caused his head to throb with the impulse to excessively cut to make up for the instances he'd resisted.

I can't help it. I need this. I want to feel something. I need another dose. My body itches for it. I want the adrenaline rush. The sting of my open flesh. The feel of it being ripped open. Something to suppress how I feel right now with the feeling of panic. But… Fuck it.

"Self-restraint," he muttered under his breath with a frigid lour plastered across his countenance. "Just one. No more. Self-restraint. Self-restraint…" Staring down at the jagged fangs of the glass blade he wielded, he pressed the glass to his wrist and exhaled slowly. "Self. Restraint." With a light, swift motion as though checking off something from a list, he scratched an incredibly shallow cut onto his flesh.

Something burned and boiled inside of him. His forehead was seething, and while his insides felt like they were submerged in lava, his skin was cold to the touch. He shook his head and bit his lip, staring directly at the thin creature of blood growing on his wrist.

Not enough, Todoroki belligerently hissed at himself. I didn't make it deep enough. Make a deeper one. One last one. One last chance. Make it worthwhile. Cut. Now. With a rush of brumal numbness seeping through his rising levels of adrenaline, Todoroki tensed his body and slashed into his flesh with precipitous conviction. Shit. That's too deep. I didn't mean to. I wanted to make it deeper, but not like this, and not on my wrist. The blood's already winding down my arm. I didn't want this. I didn't… Pull yourself together. Averting his eyes from the gash in his wrist that was bleeding profusely, he immediately began to compress it, but the bleeding would not stop, and the blood loss and sight of so much blood was beginning to enfeeble his entire body.

It's not going to stop bleeding. It's been a few minutes. Shit. Shit. Okay… Katsuki. I can hardly see anything. It's all a blur. I hate this feeling. I'm so uncomfortable. Get Katsuki. He inhaled deeply, but even his breaths were quivering with adrenaline and fear. I can't think properly. I feel so weak. My chest is tight. I can't breathe. What is this? Get through it. Go. Ignore it and go. It's all blurring. I feel faint. It's fine. Hurry. I've needed stitches before for cutting too deep, but this…is definitely my deepest cut. Katsuki. He'll be so disappointed in me… I can't. I have to. He'll get here faster than an ambulance or something. I'm going to faint. Shit. Not now…

Fumbling with his phone as his breaths accelerated with his heartbeat, Todoroki couldn't remember dialing for Bakugou, but the sound of a familiar voice on the other end of the phone impaled him with a lance of reality. "I need you," Todoroki huffed while grimacing in his bent-over state against his bathroom counter. "M-My dorm… Please…hurry."

"What happened? You safe?" Bakugou's voice was stern yet eerily composed.

Shame perforated Todoroki's stomach with metal nails. "I…" He attempted to clear his mind as he forced himself to stand upright, but he swiftly toppled over to steady his breathing on the floor. "I didn't…mean to. I… I…" He swallowed back his body's push for hyperventilation and shook off the static devouring his vision.

I'm just a disappointment.

"Calm down. I'll be there," Bakugou reassured him, and hearing those words of affirmation was enough for Todoroki to pry himself off of the floor and teeter blindly towards the door to his dorm.

'Cutter.'

As though drunk, Todoroki swerved and swayed while the floor swished and swirled beneath him. He could feel his chest heaving, and it sounded like the air flowing through his body was echoing inside of his temples. His irate heart thrashed around and pulsated excruciatingly from within his wrist. Nausea and shock churned his stomach, and he fought the acerbic bile bubbling up into his throat. Yet, the world and the pain in his wrist all seemed numb and faded. His eyes sank closed, and for a moment, he found himself unable to do anything.

Why am I so afraid? Todoroki cerebrated as his quaking, stiff hands desperately groped around the lock on his door. Why did I call for him? This…could've been it. Why did I… This is going to be my biggest regret, isn't it? Shit. He sank down to his knees on the floor as his body violently trembled. 'Cutter.' It's funny how deep that word cuts into my mind. When Endeavor found out…

"Almost there. Hold on, Shouto," Bakugou once again soothed a fraction of Todoroki's livid inner turmoil by the few reassuring words he spoke.

As the door to his dorm slid open, Todoroki felt a torrent of visceral feelings gouging through his skull like needles. Warmth from his own blood was soaking through the towel he compressed his wound with, and the blood that could not be staunched by compression alone was snaking down his arm and dripping onto the floor and his pants. Relief and regret clashed in his mind at the sight of his boyfriend stepping through the door and kneeling down to lift him up. Nausea and the instinctive defense mechanism of passing out struck his senses into what ultimately became a temporary state of cold stupor; this was swiftly erased by unconsciousness.

Todoroki awoke to acute grogginess trampling his senses. He moved his digits a bit, and as his eyes creaked open, a noxious wave of his roused emotions promptly kicked him awake. Frantically, he glanced around, and while the glaring sight of Bakugou and Recovery Girl was burned into his mind, he soon pointed to the nearby trash bin. With haste, Bakugou handed the bin over to Todoroki, who leaned into it and vomited up his stomach contents.

It hurts, Todoroki realized as the throbbing burn of his wrist seeped back to his senses while his body finished emptying itself out. I'm…alive. He breathed heavily and stared down at his lap while attempting to gather his thoughts and his sangfroid. I feel sick.

Todoroki set the bin aside and hung his head, unable to meet the gazes of the two that were present in the U.A. infirmary. "I didn't…mean to," he panted, still in a daze. "I'm sorry… I just w-wanted one. I didn't…" He blinked back his tears as though they simply did not exist.

I'm sick of crying, wallowing in my own misery, and feeling such pensive sadness at times. I hate feeling so fucking empty, but when I'm sad, it's debilitating. I can't do anything but cry for no reason whatsoever. I'm sick of that. I've gone this long without succumbing. Don't break it in front of other people.

Bakugou slowly crouched down and laid his hand atop Todoroki's hand. He didn't speak, but the tenacity of his warm, familiar hand moderately aided in assuaging Todoroki's worries.

"Todoroki." Recovery Girl's voice lured Todoroki's pupils towards her short stature. "Do you want to talk about what happened? You can rest, though, if you'd like." She placed a styrofoam cup of water beside him.

"I just…want to rest," Todoroki sighed while glancing over at the wrist that he'd slashed open. "Thanks." He sieved the stitches jutting from his flesh and found himself vacantly staring at them.

'Cutter.'

Todoroki regretfully began to recall the day that Endeavor had discovered some of his scars from self-harm. He was ten years old when he started, but after the incident with Endeavor, he had maintained a streak of being clean from cutting for about three years.

"And just what gives you any right to be a good-for-nothing cutter? You don't know what real pain is. Nothing that's happened to you is even comparable to what true pain is! What do you think you're doing? Trying to get attention and sympathy? Enough of this nonsense! All you're doing is mocking the people going through real pain. Get over yourself and pull yourself together. There's nothing that gives you any right to feel like this!"

The one time he ever deliberately hurt me. I don't know if I'd call it abuse, but he did leave a lot of bruises. But he was still right. My pain is insignificant compared to others. It doesn't mean anything. Invalid. 'Cutter.' That's all I am. Weak. Pathetic. Selfish. 'Cutter.' That's all they see me for.

Shifting back to lie down again, Todoroki exhaled slowly and gently grasped for Bakugou's fingertips. "Thanks for picking up…unlike me." He offered a rueful, fractured smile at his own remark as cold sweat scampered across his skin. "So selfish…" His grin faded like a shadow being swallowed up by the encroaching night.

Bakugou rolled his eyes to the side. "You really wanna say that was selfish to me? Try again. Once yer rested up, though, we gotta talk about some stuff, 'kay?"