Shouto Todoroki

Standing at the edge of what felt like his world, Todoroki stared past his feet to the city below. Twilight steeped the sky in a scintillating deluge of amber. Yet, the world below him seemed to sleep beneath the twilight. There were no people in sight, and upon arriving at that revelation, Todoroki scoured his surroundings for someone—any form of life. But the world seemed to inhabit only him.

'Cutter.'

He could vividly recall Bakugou's accusation, but much to Todoroki's bemused stupefaction, his memory had become a reality; Bakugou approached him from behind. "Cutter," Bakugou hissed into Todoroki's ear.

Stop…

"Weak," whispered Kirishima.

Leave me alone.

"Arrogant," Midoriya muttered.

Please stop.

"Pathetic," Yaoyorozu grumbled.

I know…

"Failure," Aizawa asserted.

Todoroki collapsed to his knees while his peers loomed over him with crossed arms and cold scowls.

"Unbearable," Rei snarled with vehement conviction.

"Mom, I'm sorry. I—"

"Selfish," Fuyumi sibilated.

Make it stop.

"Disappointment," All Might growled.

Jump.

"Wasted potential, wasted space, wasted life," derogated Endeavor, who clasped onto Todoroki's wrist; his nails intentionally bit into Todoroki's flesh like teeth. "Useless cutter. Faking depression and using self-harm for attention… Inconceivable." His invectives were bullets piercing through Todoroki's chest.

"It's not like that," Todoroki pleaded. "Why? I don—"

Before Todoroki could finish, he felt a violent shove against his chest, and with eyes torn wide open, he watched as ash-blonde plumes of hair that were tinged in tangerine soared across his field of vision.

This has to be a dream, Todoroki reasoned with himself while plummeting through the sky. Their disappointed faces… I've had dreams like this before. Stop looking at me like that. I'm sorry…

Just before Todoroki could see his own fatal fall, he jerked forwards in his futon in a cold sweat. Similar to his dream, rays of twilight were pouring through his window and spilling across his floor. He steadied his breathing while descrying Bakugou, who was walking out of the bathroom.

I hate nightmares, Todoroki sighed to himself while Bakugou soon approached him with a bowl of cold soba. Then again, my life is still my own nightmare, despite all the therapy. I don't feel like doing anything. Even though it's been a few months since I opened up to him and started seeing a therapist, I still have weeks like this. I just can't do anything. It's like I'm walking on a tightrope between emptiness and sadness all the time. This sadness impairs my functionality, and the emptiness urges on the desire to cut again. I still can't make streaks of being clean that last more than a week.

"Shouto, c'mon," Bakugou sighed while setting the bowl of soba on Todoroki's lap. "I know you don't feel like it, but you gotta eat. You need to get out of bed today. You keep sleepin' through the night and the majority of the day. I know it's tough, Babe." He knelt down and nuzzled against Todoroki's shoulder.

Tears slinked down to Todoroki's chin. "Why am I still like this?" He rubbed away the initial streams wetting his cheeks, but his tears were ceaseless. "Why do I bother trying to be happy when it all falls back to this stage? I'm trying my best to keep going, but I keep falling apart. I can't…do anything. I can't get out of bed. I can't eat. I can't even think about tomorrow without breaking down into tears again. Why? I have nothing to be depressed over, so why is my depression making it so fucking hard to function every day!? I don't understand! I don't have a reason to be this depressed… I'm sorry you have to listen to me complain about everything." He leaned his head against Bakugou's shoulder.

"But doesn't it feel so fucking great when you start to feel again? When you know you feel better both physically and mentally? When you finally have the strength to get out of bed and interact with others again?" He traced his hands across Todoroki's shoulders from beneath the latter's shirt. "It's okay to have weeks like this. You know what feeling better feels like. Don't you wanna have that be what yer new normal is?"

I don't think that's even possible, but then again, I didn't think I'd ever feel happy again, and I have had some moments of feeling genuinely happy. "I guess… But is it really worth it?" Todoroki allowed his tears to continue falling for a transient moment before drying them with his sleeves.

Bakugou avidly nodded. "Course it is. Otherwise, Shouto, you're just gonna be miserable all the time. Is this the state you wanna live in throughout the rest of your life? Hell no. Instead of only cycling through sadness, emptiness, and numbness, make it like it is now, and over time, the agony's gonna let up. Besides, I get hella happy when I know you're happy. Those moments are so goddamn precious to me." He pecked Todoroki's cheek with a soft kiss and wrapped him into a loving embrace.

It really doesn't feel like it will any time soon, Todoroki thought while returning the embrace around his boyfriend. But I guess he's right. I've gotten this far. I've made it past my lowest point, and this time, I haven't been stopped at the point just above my lowest. Keep fighting for a future worth living… I'm the only one that can decide what that worthwhile future is, and I won't be able to say until I find it. I don't know if I'll find it at all, but I'll choose to believe that I will. Thinking about it now, I'm glad I was stopped when I tried to jump. I would've died with such hatred for Katsuki, even if I still couldn't fully convince myself that I hated him.

I never would've gotten this preview of what happiness looks like. I never would've made up with my little cheater. Yet, I still can't convince myself that this is a genuine relationship, and I want to try and move on. It's hard when I also see Katsuki as my best friend. Maybe we're better off as just friends, but I'd still want to be as affectionate with him as I always have been. I'd long to be in a relationship again. How damn troubling… I just keep clinging to the old ways because those were better, more favorable days. But I can't keep living in the past. I'm just killing myself with soft, gentle memories in doing that.

Cheating in itself might not be a good thing, but I wonder where we'd be if he hadn't cheated on me. I can imagine that I would've kept to myself and ended it all. I still contemplate trying to escape from this hell, but I think it's time that I finally overcome it instead. Turn the tables. Step out of my comfort zone and leave this world of torment I've isolated myself in. I don't want to leave the comfort of my bed, but I can't keep telling myself the lie that I'll get up tomorrow. I need to get up today. I need to leave. I've been here too long. I'm curious.

I want to explore, but I'm afraid to. I don't want to put in the effort. I want to stay in the comfort of the past and pretend like the present can still be the past. It's easier. It feels better that way, but the consequences are going to catch up to me again. I've locked myself in this dark room, but I'll never see the sunlight everyone talks about if I stay here. A place where I can finally breathe again… Where my happiness isn't artificial, and it comes naturally instead of from my medications.

If only my positive thoughts could give me the strength to get out of bed. If only it was that easy. I'll probably keep pushing everything I don't want to do off to tomorrow, and then repeat the same thing the next day. I have a feeling that Katsuki's not going to let me do that today. I know it's for the better, but…it's so much to look at and still too much to think about. I know it's possible, but all the voices in my head beseech me to stay in my futon. Keep living in the past because that's the easy answer.

Just hold on to the lies because they feel all right now, but I know that they're really just alluring poisons. I'll get there. Maybe. Hopefully. Unless I fuck everything up… I already broke my clean streak. I'm such a fucking disappointment. It's already late, but I still need to get up. I don't want to. I really don't… But those thoughts are the ones keeping me trapped in this world of lies and false hope. Damn. I still have a long, long day ahead of me…

A/N:
and that is all. i left this on an odd, bittersweet note intentionally. the road to recovery sometimes feels like a long day that never ends. a slow, mundane day of pain because it all still feels the same, despite the fact that time is still moving and things are still changing. by the time the day is over, you fall back into a familiar state, and when you wake up from that, it's another long day of recovery waiting for you.

originally, bakugou was going to be haunted by the realization of what he'd put todoroki through, and he was going to "make up for it" by killing himself. todoroki was going to be absolutely destroyed by bakugou's death, and i planned for todoroki to kill himself shortly afterward. but before i even finished the first chapter, i decided to have this story end where they both live but both suffer because of their choices but both still get a somewhat happy ending. but that just means i'll have another future fic where this cruel ending does happen for different reasons.

will there be a sequel? i'd love to write one, but unfortunately, i don't think making one will be possible.

anyway, thank you so much for reading. i hope you guys enjoyed, and have a wonderful rest of your day/night.