CHAPTER 2
When I finally see Belle, I realize who she is.
"What? The inventor's daughter?!"
"She's the one!" Gaston vibrates. "The lucky girl I'm going to marry!"
I'm floored. Really — he'd been holding me up by the throat with one arm and he dropped me at this.
I protest. "But, she's — "
"The most beautiful girl in town!" he continues blindly. He swings his gun around for me to carry, but his eyes are glued to her so he just nails me in the nose with the barrel. Still, the guy is radiating so much warm-fuzziness he is going to turn into a basket of kittens if he's not stopped.
"I know!" I said, "But — "
"That makes her the best. And don't I deserve the best?" He snatches me by the collar. I guess my objections were offending him.
I babble some appeasements but suddenly he goes all hearts and flowers again. He begins running off through the streets, chasing her while singing baritenor. I follow him with an armload of furs and weapons.
He hurries after the infamous Belle, through the shops and the crowds, being blocked and hindered at each step. Finally he just barges into some building and goes up to the roof, and he follows her that way. I'll probably get another "message" for him about that, from the tenants.
But seriously, he's in love with Belle? That Belle? I mean, I guess in terms of looks alone she is as good as any — though the Gautier triplets, who he's always trying to avoid, seem just as much so. What is it about Belle especially? Is it just that everyone in town talks about her so much because of all the dirty books she buys? Doesn't seem like his thing at all, and I've known this guy for years. He's actually really squeamish about that stuff. That's why we all just supposed he didn't like women. You get these girls batting their eyes at him in the street, cuddling up to him at the tavern, rubbing their breasts on the windows at the house, and he acts like he can't even stand it. I mean, what else could it be?
And he's giving me the boot from the house for this girl. For Belle! The dirty-nerdy-purdy girl — when he could have had anyone!
By the time I catch up with him, he's got his arm around her and is leading her towards the tavern. Probably wants to show off all his trophies. He's very proud of them, and they really are the only regular public entertainment in this town. But she isn't going for it.
"Please, Gaston. I can't," she protests, pulling away.
You can already see that Gaston is miffed. He's got his hands on his hips as if to say, How could you turn down such a slender pair of hips?
"I have to get home to help my father!" Belle finishes.
"That crazy old loon?" I shout. "He needs all the help he can get!"
Gaston starts laughing, but Belle is offended — as she ought to be, because I wasn't trying to be nice there.
"Don't talk about my father that way!" she snaps.
"Yeah!" he suddenly snaps in turn, like he just recognized his way in with the girl. "Don't talk about her father that way!" He punches me in the head.
She starts saying something about how her father is a genius, but as she's talking, her house blows up behind her. See, this crazy old man is an inventor, and if the guy would design bombs he probably would be a genius. Instead he always wants to make engines, but he doesn't know how to build engines and instead just makes kabooms. Her house blows up every few weeks.
Me and Gaston are back to laughing as she hurries off to save her poor old papa from the latest peril. Once we finally calm down about ten or twenty minutes later, I say, "Well, guess she's as crazy as the old man. Let's get this stuff back home — "
I'm turning when I feel my feet leave the ground. Gaston's got me up in his face like I'm a washcloth.
"Belle is perfect!" he yells. "She's the only one in this town who compares to me! The most gorgeous woman I've ever laid eyes on! She's going to become my wife, just you wait and see!"
He throws me down to the cobbles. This is what I keep saying about my fat — guys like me need it. It's a built in pillow. I come springing back up like a jelly mold. "Gosh, Gaston! I didn't mean to offend you! But you know that she's — "
He hits me again. "Perfect," he repeats.
"Sure! Sure!" I say, trying to be agreeable. "But — you can't say you want that old coot as a father-in-law?"
Gaston seems to need a moment to think that one out. I hold my breath, hoping. I'm turning blue.
Then he puffs up and takes on that magnanimous look he gets when he's being generous with someone. "For Belle, I'll do anything."
"Would you shave your head?"
"LeFou, stop being ridiculous. Why would anyone want that?" He takes a deep breath like he's just been pumped full of flowers and chocolates and wedding cakes. "Let's go to her house and try to look at her. Maybe…" he says too dreamily, forgetting himself, "maybe we can see her!"
I don't have a lot of choice but to go with him, still hauling all the furs and weapons from our earlier hunt. As we approach her cottage, just at the edge of town, we observe her father riding away on that big old horse of theirs, some new contraption being pulled behind in a little wagon. Belle is waving goodbye and wishing him luck.
"Goodbye, Belle! And take care while I'm gone!" her father calls to her.
"Well!" says Gaston. "Do you hear that? Looks like her father's going to be away for a while!" I don't know that saying he is emboldened is right, because that's not a big problem for Gaston. But as he makes this observation he goes strutting on over to her.
Meanwhile she's fussing with the big wooden cellar doors that are open, trying to get them shut.
"I'll take care of that," booms Gaston, approaching her.
Belle is struggling, and she looks agreeable to the help. "Please," she replies, stepping back and giving him a big old smile.
With his eyes glued to her, Gaston shuts the doors for her, then immediately begins flexing his muscles. Her smile seems to shift from a genuine pleasure to a more forced politeness.
"Yep," says Gaston, almost dancing in the way he's trying to show off. "I put in a lot of work to maintain this body. You know how many eggs I eat every morning?"
"I really couldn't say," says Belle. She seems to be hurrying for the front door. "But thanks for your help! I really have to — um — get some stuff done!"
"Slow down there, Belle!" he says, chasing after her and leaping to the top of her L-shaped steps ahead of her. "Look. I know your father is away. You don't want to spend the whole night here alone, do you? Come with me to the tavern!" He's not really asking, I can tell.
She looks embarrassed. "I don't know if the tavern is really the best place for me to spend my evening…"
"You'll be with me, Belle!" says Gaston, clapping an arm around her. "You'll be safe as a kitten! What else are you going to do? Read the same dumb book over and over again? Come on, it'll be a laugh!"
Without actually waiting for her to answer he just lifts her in one arm and carries her away, in the direction of the tavern.
"Gaston, put me down!" she protests.
"Ah, don't worry, I wouldn't make you walk the whole way!" he says.
Belle looks puzzled, like she's not sure what to do in this situation.
And Gaston seems to have totally forgotten about me, which is fine, because I still have to haul all these hunting supplies home.
It seems crazy. Gaston — in love with that girl? And it sure doesn't look like she's very interested in him (which is definitely a sign of how crazy she is.) On the plus side, it looks like my housing situation is safe, because there's no way she'll be falling for him at this rate!
I spend the evening home alone, tidying up. It's not unheard of for me and Gaston to spend an evening apart, but this situation is definitely new. Gaston has never been out with a girl before. I don't think he's even had his first kiss. I'm a little worried that he's going to embarrass himself. But he's Gaston — he can take care of himself for sure! What am I worrying over him for? He'll do fine with her. Why, he'll probably even change her mind, and get her drooling over him in no time…
And I realize that that's what I'm really afraid of.
I don't want Gaston to end up with some loser bookworm lunatic's daughter! I start to see visions of Gaston wearing glasses and reading books at night while sipping tea. Ugh! I don't care if she's the most beautiful girl in town — I don't care if she's the most beautiful girl in the world, there's no way he's going to be happy with that for a wife!
I wonder if there's something I can do to snap him out of it? Maybe I could introduce him to some better girls… but Gaston really doesn't seem to be interested in anyone else. I guess a guy like that has a right to be picky, but a guy who's thirsty has a right to choose a bottle of poison to drink — you still try to stop him, don't you?
It's late when Gaston comes back home. I'm surprised to see, dainty hand seized in his big yellow glove: Belle.
She does not look like she wants to be here. I think it's the way she's got one foot wedged against his hand, like she's trying to pry herself free.
"Please, Gaston!" she pleads. "I really need to get home. I'm tired, and the animals need to be fed!"
"Aw, they can hold off for a little longer. Just take a look around! What do you think?"
He pulls her into our front room. She politely looks around.
"It's very nice, Gaston. But I really have to go home now!"
She's getting smart. She just bolts for the door while calling over her shoulder, "Bonsoir, Gaston! Thanks for the beer!"
And she's already vanished. Gaston looks pleased all the same.
"You see, LeFou? She likes it!" he says to me. "She'll be a great housewife here. All she has to do is keep liking it. Which reminds me, why haven't you started packing?"
"Packing?" I say. "But, Gaston, it's not like she's moving in here tomorrow. You're not even engaged yet."
"That's the beauty of my plan, LeFou," he says, plainly very pleased with himself. He claps an arm around me. "I'm going to skip all of that! No engagement, no wedding planning — just straight to the marriage! I want to have it all ready by tomorrow morning."
Sitting up next to me, you can smell that he's been drinking that mountain hooch they make out of wormwood. He gets kind of wonky when he's on that.
"Uh, Gaston?" I say. "Maybe you should wait until morning, after you've had your eggs…"
"There's no time, LeFou! We have to get started right now if we're to have everything ready tomorrow!" And he starts listing friends I have to go hit up to form a wedding band, and put in an order with the baker for a cake, and get the priest to do the ceremony; and meanwhile he'll assemble the guests, oversee the decorating, arrange his hairdresser, and all that.
Well! Looks like there's a wedding to be planned. I wonder if I still have to buy them a gift?