CHAPTER 6

The first thing we have to do is get everybody in town up at one in the morning and make them stand around to watch Gaston while he works his plan on Belle. He says this is very important. Has something to do with proving that he actually likes women; which I will admit is always a little dubious with a guy who wants to stare at his own reflection like Necropolis.

So we get everybody. I mean, my mom is there and everyone. The butcher, the baker, the candlestick-maker — we even haul out the pervert who stands in the pillory. People bring their kids, say it's okay if they stay up late just this once because it's a special event. Some guy is selling pretzels and roasted nuts. Everyone is carrying torches for light and warmth.

Everyone's there to see if Gaston can actually pull off a relationship with a woman. The whole town's been whispering about it for a while, you see. The wedding attempt had settled things for a time, but that was three months ago, so he needs to make another show.

Once the stage is set, we send up Monsieur d'Arque to make the first move. We probably should have done that the first time we came here, too, since I never could understand how Gaston was going to make it seem like he was saving Maurice from the asylum if he was going to be the one dragging him out to the wagon. But it's his plan, not mine. I'm just here to make sure he doesn't embarrass himself.

And as if I needed any more encouragement, Uncle Jacques is tapping me on the shoulder and whispering, "LeFou! Make sure he doesn't embarrass himself!"

We LeGumes, we're a tight family. And we've all seen what happens when Gaston gets pouty. "Don't worry," I tell my uncle.

I make my way towards the door for my cue, and Limey Bastard stops me. "LeGume!" he says. "I don't know what Gaston's scheme is tonight, but whatever you do, make sure he doesn't embarrass himself!"

We tavern boys, we're a close group. We've all seen what happens when Gaston's in a snit. "Don't worry," I tell Limey Bastard.

Then when I get near the house, Maurice appears at his bedroom window. "LeGume!" he whispers with all the force of shouting. "I've been lost in the woods for three months, and I still heard about that disastrous wedding Gaston tried to have over here. I actually like him, and I want to encourage Belle to marry him. If he's in this crowd tonight, whatever you do, make sure he doesn't embarrass himself!"

I call back at him, "Aw, quit acting crazy, you freakish old loon!" Then I think better of it. "Actually, keep acting as crazy as you want, you freakish old loon!"

I get to the door behind d'Arque. He is talking to Belle.

"My father's not crazy!" she retorts, defensively.

My cue! Got to make sure Gaston doesn't embarrass himself, so step one is to make sure everything he's saying looks legit. "He was raving like a lunatic!" I yell back at her. "We all heard him, didn't we?" I try to get the crowd to participate. They give us some murmurs of agreement. One lady in the back gives me the finger.

D'Arque has brought some of his liveried orderlies from the asylum and they're all leaping from the wagon in preparation.

Maurice appears at the door now, and I try to get him to act crazy for the crowd. "Maurice! Tell us again, old man! Just how big was the 'beast?'"

Maurice mutters a bunch of things about size and numbers of sizes. No one really cares, all that matters is that he's answering like a wacko, because how else can you answer a question like that? We all start laughing. "You don't get much crazier than that!" I call. "Get him out of here!"

The orderlies grab up Maurice to take him away. Meanwhile I can see Gaston talking to Belle, laying down the charm for sure. He's putting his arm around her… good, good…

Aw, crap. She's pushing him away.

"Have it your way," I hear Gaston say, bitterly. Belle rushes into the house alone.

For a second, I'm stumped for what to do. On the one hand I do not want to deal with Gaston moping about being turned down yet again. On the other hand, I don't exactly want to encourage this union. It's what Gaston wants, but — how does he not see how wrong she is for him? He'll be miserable with her!

But I guess if he does marry her, it's not going to be my problem anymore.

Suddenly Belle comes out of the house, holding a silver hand mirror. "My father's not crazy!" she screams. "And I can prove it!" She looks into the mirror and cries, "Show me the beast!"

This mirror just explodes like a firework. A green one. A big, green firework. I don't know how her hands didn't get blown off by all that green. All of a sudden there's a picture in the mirror of a dog-bear-goat screaming at the top of its lungs. I assume that's the top of his lungs, anyway — I guess he could be one of those opera singers or town criers or babies who get louder. Or maybe it's the green we're hearing. I really am not an expert on mirror-beast noises.

Suddenly Belle's talking up the beast more than she is her father. Even the socially retarded Gaston is picking up on it.

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you had feelings for this monster," he says incredulously.

Oh no oh no oh no oh no — I can see what's about to happen. I hurry to him best I can with my stumpy legs, but she answers too fast:

"He's no monster, Gaston," she says so that everyone in the field hears. "You are!"

Oh, man! He just embarrassed himself! Everyone in the crowd that knows him sinks their face into their hands, 'cause we know he's about to start freaking out, and it's going to end in a corpse pile.

And he does start. He's screaming at the top of his lungs now, and waving around that green mirror like a maddo: "She's as crazy as the old man! The beast will make off with your children! He'll come after them in the night! This town's not safe until his head is mounted on my wall! I say we kill the beast!"

And now he's setting random objects on fire. Yep, he's really outdoing Maurice in the crazy. He starts chasing me around and I'm scared he might actually kill me this time. But strangely, he's getting everyone to go for his ramblings. He's running around like the master of ceremonies at a storytelling session, chilling everyone with stories of beasts, getting them behind his impromptu mission to kill it, and hitting all his full-voice high notes. I guess that's the reason he sounds less crazy than Maurice — he sings it better. That really adds a lot of credibility, much more than if you're standing on a soapbox coughing your way through Frère Jacques. God, I remember Maurice doing that, trying to promote some invention. Could barely even hear him over the machine exploding. Lunatic! But I'm feeling a fresh hope that me and Gaston's work tonight might not lead to total disaster. Ah, that's our Gaston at his best! If anyone could pull this off, it's him!

And as an added bonus, it's looking like he's lost interest in Belle! He has her and Maurice thrown into a cellar so they won't warn the creature, and then he gets all geared up and leads everyone out into the woods. We kind of know where to go — there's only one castle around here, and it looks haunted as hell, so that's got to be where the beast is living, right?

"Boy, Gaston," I say during a long interlude of travel during which we're waiting for the song cues to start up again. "You sure dodged a bullet with Belle! I mean, imagine if you'd really ended up marrying that hot mess? She's into bestiality and everything!"

Gaston shoots me an angry look. "What are you talking about, LeFou? I'm still going to marry her! That's why I have to kill this beast — he's my rival!"

I'm agog. "But — but — "

"Does 'crazy' alter her looks?"

"Well, no," I sputter, "but — "

"Then she's still the best girl in town, LeFou! Get over it!"

The crowd behind us pipes up with a Grab your sword, grab your bow, praise the Lord and here we go! and I have to rush to join in.

"We'll lay siege to the castle and bring back his head!" Gaston screams with all the drama he can, waving the mirror and swinging green all over the place.

I can't believe we're doing all of this for Belle. The crazy — bestiality — witchcraft — book daughter of a madman! Gaston's gone mad to be chasing her like this. We're all mad to be following him. The only one not crazy is Monsieur d'Arque, who is probably back at his asylum now, happily cackling like a madman but who is not actually mad. That's why he's the one who looks after the madmen. The only thing he does that's crazy is he drinks nothing but sherry. I'll bet that's why he's gone green. And I'd still take a glass of sherry over all this mess.