Author's Note: This chapter was exciting to write as I believe there's still a lot of untapped potential in the Total Drama Island cast. I hope that you enjoy the more intimate dialogues this story shares between contestants. Trigger warning: eating disorders and suicidality are alluded to. A big thank you to my beta reader who has their own amazing work on Ao3, check them out miss_heathen!

Once again, I made a playlist for this chapter. Each chapter will include songs I recommend to play in order as they follow the tone of the chapter. Appearances can fool you playlist: 1.) Good to See You Again! by Alexander 23 2.) Total Drama Island Theme Song 3.) Runaway Train by Soul Aslyum 4.) Sin and Bones by Marianas Trench 5.) All Star by Smash Mouth 6.) HUMBLE. by Kendrick Lamar 7.) See I'm Smiling by Anna Kendrick in The Last Five Years 8.) Mad World by Tears For Fears 9.) Day 'N' Nite (nightmare) by Kid Cudi 10.) Been Caught Stealing by Jane's Addiction 11.) American Idiot by Green Day 12.) This is My World by Meddemssiri.

I also made a fanart of a moment in this chapter that can be seen on my tumblr: uncorrelatedideas. I also joined Ao3- RCR9921-and posted this fanfic on there, I would love your support and reviews!

...

She sat with her head between her knees. The boat swayed side-to-side on its journey to Camp Wawanakwa. Bile had made its way up her throat. After trying to keep it down several times, Courtney relented and allowed herself some relief in a nearby bucket. The vomit had nothing to do with seasickness but had everything to do with seeing her ex, her ex's friends, and being on national television 24/7 for the foreseeable future.

This was a mistake. She had no friends here. Hell, most of these people were people she seriously disliked. Why would she go back to this? Was she that unhappy at home? Was she really this desperate to go back to Before?

Apparently, she was. As the dock came into eyesight, she sat up straight and gave herself a firm slap on the cheek. Fortunately, this was the farthest she ventured into self-harm; however, this just meant that the severity was less, the pain still present. The pain was enough to bring herself to the Now. Right, the Now that might literally be her worst nightmare. The campers who had arrived were now clear, and so was Chris. She caught a glimpse of that annoyingly vibrant green hair and knew Duncan had already made it. Figures—there would never be a Total Drama without him.

"Courtney! Our one-and-only CIT," Chris clapped his hands together, announcing her presence. "Welcome back to Camp Wa-wa-na-KWA!"

"Chris, man, are you gonna say that every time someone arrives?" DJ sighed. Beside the muscular teen were Duncan and Geoff. Or Dumb and Dumber, as Courtney liked to put it.

"Yes, yes I am." Chris smiled for the cameras, then turned back to Courtney. "Please join the other campers as we await our final guests!"

She was thankful she hadn't been prompted to say anything. It took all of her energy to muster up a smile, her eyes squinting to hide the wateriness. It felt like she was suffocating, and she couldn't bring herself to move. She just stood there. With her bags. Frozen with a forced smile.

"Uh, Courtney?" Bridgette came to the front of the group. "Are you ok?"

Was she? Obviously not. Her ribs must be shrinking. There was no possible way her lungs weren't being strangled by her ribcage. Black dots started clouding her vision, and she couldn't really determine if this was her dreaming about the show or if she had actually finally arrived. That had become a problem as of late. She wasn't sure what was real sometimes; there were a few times she'd bring up a conversation to her parents and then realize that they had never had it.

"God, could you suck up any more time with your entrance? And I thought Justin was annoying," Heather guffawed.

Annoyance. There was a twinge of annoyance in Courtney, and it was enough to steady her vision. She shook her head and put the smile back on her face. "Yeah, I'm fine! Just a bad case of déjà vu." She let out an awkward laugh and joined the other contestants.

The afternoon sun was horrid. But tolerable enough. She just wasn't used to spending this much time outside, and it was draining her already. All the Total Drama Island contestants had made it to the camp safely.

"God, this is so beautiful. I might just cry." Chris wiped a fake tear as he looked among the returned contestants. "Dare I say this is the greatest reunion of all time!"

"I dare you not to," Gwen muttered.

"Ignoring you!" Chris shouted over her. "Looks like you all are all the same: money-hungry teens!" Courtney wished she was the same. And wondered if the others here had changed at all. They all looked the same. They all acted the same. Was she really the only one who lost something along the way?

"As money-hungry teens, you are my favorite demographic. Because you guys really will do anything! And I mean anything! We've all seen it ha ha, remember that time that—oh, my God—remember that time we shaved Heather's head? Good times. Good times." Chris was doubled over with laughter and was quickly knocked to the ground by a wedge Heather had thrown at his head.

"Mention it, or come near my hair again, and you. Are. Dead," Heather ordered.

"Sheesh! Don't fret, we will make a ton of fond new memories this season! Welcome to… Total. Drama. Rewind! This season we welcome back our original stars from Total Drama Island as we—and by we, I mean me making these losers—travel to secret sites, complete gruesome challenges, and, of course, foster cut-throat competition!" Chris held his arms out as if he was embracing the sun. He seemed to be waiting for applause that would never come.

"Anyone want to applaud?" Chris sneered over at the campers. "Really? No one? I mean, talk about being ungrateful. I give you a chance at not one thousand, but ONE MILLION dollars, and you can't spare me a clap?" Still nothing. "Sigh." Yes, Chris said 'sigh' instead of actually sighing. "Fine, editing: add applause in during production! Moving on. Campers: get changed into your swimsuits and meet me at the cliff. Pronto!"

"Oh, how original." Heather rolled her eyes, making sure to stomp on Chris' foot as she made her way to the campsite.

…

Courtney and the other 20 contestants were lined up on the over-used and arguably boring cliffside at Lake Wawanakwa once again. For as much money as the group had accumulated, one might think they would have updated their wardrobes by now, but they all stood in the same swimwear as usual. Despite this sameness, Courtney had her arms crossed snugly around her waist. Her swimsuit wasn't fitting the same; they were looser on her hips, and she imagined they may fall off if she dives.

Her body language wasn't enough to ward off unwanted stares. Katie and Sadie skipped over in their matching swimsuits, their arms linked together. She almost hoped they'd trip before they got to her as she knew this would be the same conversation she has experienced any time she ventured out of her home.

"Courtney!" Katie and Sadie squealed together. Courtney's shoulders shot up. She rolled her neck trying to ignore the anxiety numbing her body.

"Hi, Katie. Hi, Sadie," she said with her usual formal tone. The same tone that usually disappeared after dealing with any of these people for more than five minutes. She took in the two of them. Their bodies looked the same. They looked healthy. Happy even.

"You look a-maz-ing," Sadie grabbed Courtney's hand, squeezing it. Courtney knew this was an act of kindness. As much as she dreaded the attention, she found the small touch calmed some of her nerves. She tried her best to look past the misguided compliment and find the underlying good intentions.

"I totally agree. You look like… you look like…" Katie tapped her chin trying to think.

"She looks like Gwen!" Sadie finished. Courtney cringed, not bothering to look if her peers had overheard. Her body certainly didn't look like her own anymore. Her skin clung to her like a wet, thin sheet, hiding nothing from the eye. Her ribs were present, luckily not prominent, but present, nonetheless. She had tightened the straps on her top more than she thought she would have to. She had gotten used to not wearing a bra while she was inside her room. When she had to leave the house, she stuck to sports bras. She didn't want another number to tell her that she wasn't as she was before.

"O-M-G. You're totally right!"

"Courtney, you have to tell me how you got this figure. Katie and I are always looking for a new routine to try out!"

Lindsay had made her way over to the three of them, nodding along with Katie and Sadie. With a hair flip, Lindsay drew all eyes to her. "She does look like Gwen, but with boobs!"

"Ah! Yes!" Katie and Sadie grabbed Lindsay and they all started that squealing thing again as if they had just solved a riddle.

"Thank you, I think." Courtney tilted her lips upwards, as much as she could manage. "But let's leave the inappropriate comparisons to toxic men. We're all beautiful in our own ways."

Three sets of eyes blinked towards her. Some moments passed and then the three of them engulfed Courtney into a group hug. A hug accompanied by the squealing, of course. Courtney's jaw clenched but she jumped alongside them. She was sure under normal circumstances she'd have been angered by the comparison of her to Gwen. They may be on friendly terms, but it was inevitable to compare herself to Gwen once she got with Duncan. Thoughts of incompetency had prime real estate in her mind in the aftermath of World Tour. These thoughts of course included criticism of her own body.

Her hips were too wide. Her stomach wasn't flat. Her thighs were too big. She exercised harder, sneaking away from cameras during World Tour any chance she could get. She ate smaller portions. She was ashamed of how far she had gone to change herself. She felt her throat close as she remembered her futile efforts. Ironically, it was when she stopped leaving her room that she began to shed pounds. She hated how she felt in her body; it didn't feel like her own anymore. Unable to recognize her own self, she started rushing her showers, not wanting to prolong contact with her own skin. But, at this moment, with three of the contestants she rarely shared kind words with, she felt like she was where she needed to be. The warmth radiating from Katie, Sadie, and Lindsay overpowered the disgust that always lingers in her body. It felt…well, she isn't too good at describing her feelings. But it felt like a Now she's glad she didn't miss.

"I like, totally needed to hear that." Sadie wiped a fake tear from her eyes. It felt like Courtney needed to say it, too. As they stepped out of the hug, the air of comradery was thick. It was like it went without saying, but this season would be different: it would be a season where they would treat each other like humans, not stepping stones to victory. At least it did at that moment, she was sure the kindness would dissipate the closer the group got to the million dollars.

"Ugh, now I'm jealous because I want to be on your guys' team! We could all do mani-pedis together, and I'd be with Tucker any time I wanted," Lindsay complained.

"It's Tyler," Tyler corrected with only kindness present in his voice. "And we can still see each other any time we want, eh?"

Lindsay's arms wrapped around his neck, and she brought Tyler's head to rest on her chest. Tyler's face turned red, and Courtney could hear the boys sniggering even though she bet most of them wished they were Tyler. "Tristan!" Lindsey sang.

"It's Tyler, babe," Tyler interjected again.

Lindsay let him go and smiled. "Tyler, right! We can so hang out all the time. Even though this place is still, like, the grossest place I've ever been—and I've been in a mall bathroom—I love it so much because we can be together."

Tyler's blush was contained to his cheeks as joy welled in his eyes. "I love this place, too. It's where I met you after all."

"AW!" Katie, Sadie, and Lindsay all shouted. Courtney internally agreed with their adoration. It seemed that at least one relationship that developed from this god-forsaken place had maintained a healthy outlook. A twinge of jealousy formed in her mind, not much of one but it was there. She hadn't been jealous in a while, but she knew this feeling like she knew how to be a counselor; it was unmistakable. How come the two people she had always looked down on—the people she described as "airheads"—were happy and she wasn't? What did they have that she didn't? Was it something they lacked? The questions slowed, eventually coming to a halt as she lacked any energy to pursue them. It didn't matter what the difference was. It wouldn't change her.

Suddenly, the wind picked up. Courtney shielded her eyes as she looked upwards towards an approaching helicopter. Music was faintly playing, the helicopter overpowering most sound. A figure jumped out, doing several flips before pulling their parachute. A not-at-all concealing puff of smoke exploded as the person hit the ground. Beneath the insufficient cloud, Chris McLean crawled in. The jumper unbuckled their parachute and slid it onto Chris, quickly running into the woods just as what little smoke remained faded away.

"WELCOME BACK, CONTESTANTS!" Chris shouted over the now-leaving helicopter. "Don't be alarmed, none of you will have to do anything as dangerous as my entrance…today, that is."

"Wow, you're so brave," Gwen drawled sarcastically. It was the first time Courtney recognized her presence on the cliffside. Just like before, Gwen didn't seem to take up much space. Whenever Gwen spoke, it almost startled Courtney as if Gwen had suddenly appeared. It was probably this very lack of presence that often got Gwen far in the game. Although, it did seem counterintuitive now that Gwen was considered a power player. If Courtney cared enough to analyze gameplay, she imagined Gwen would be the ideal case study.

"Thank you, I know," Chris accepted the fake compliment, flashing his too-white teeth. Courtney was sure that the editors would add a fake glint to them before airing. "Anyway, enough about me—for now—our viewers at home have expressed their love for this group. And me, of course. And I got to thinking. I thought, since all of you are so money-hungry you're willing to endure this another time, I had to make this season special. I thought and thought and thought."

"Probably more thinking than he's ever done," Noah droned.

"Shut up!" Chris shouted before turning back to the camera. "Anyway, after much consideration and review of past seasons, I had an epiphany. A realization so simple that it was in front of me all along. A conclusion so great that it will likely go down in cinematic history. A vision so surreal—"

"Would you just get to the challenge already? God, you white men love to hear yourselves talk too much," LeShawna interjected.

"CAN I NOT HAVE MY MOMENT? My God, you brats get, what? 80% of screen time at least. I am the host of this show, I will take as much time as I'd like!"

An intern nervously tip-toed out of the woods to Chris. He leaned in and whispered something.

"What? What did you say? Speak up!" Chris demanded. Courtney imagined his hearing was giving out from all his yelling. And the hazardous explosions he ordered every season.

The intern cleared his throat, holding his headset while nodding to whoever was speaking to him. "Uh, the producers want you to start the challenge, so they don't have to—uh. So, they don't have to pay the editors more money."

"What do you mean 'more money?' They have a set salary!"

"Yes, yes sir they do. But—uh-huh, yes I'll explain that to him." The intern became growingly frazzled as he had to listen to both his headset and Chris. "They have a set salary but they also, well, they also have an hourly fee now in addition to said salary."

"An hourly fee! How the hell did they get that?"

Sweat had become prominent on the intern. His shirt was already drenched at the pits. "Because of—because of how much you talk."

"I GET PAID TO TALK. I AM THE GOD DAMN HOST OF THIS SHOW."

The intern held both ears while nodding his head. He took off his headset and handed it over to Chris. Chris placed it over his head and opened his mouth to talk but stopped and started nodding instead.

"Uh-huh. Yes. But—Well, that's true. It was only like one contestant that turned into some monster freak. Ok, fine—one from this group." Chris kept responding, evidently, Ezekiel wasn't here because of that. The network had to pay nearly 2 million US dollars after Ezekiel sued for physical and emotional damages. After some futile attempts to get his way, Chris settled on moving on with the challenge. After he handed the headset back to the intern, the intern sprinted away. Probably a good idea considering how many interns Chris' ideas have injured.

"About time someone put Chris in his place," Duncan laughed, Geoff nodding exuberantly. Courtney pursed her lips, trying to ignore his presence. It was as if he filled up the entire room, pushing and smashing through windows. Leaving no room for anyone else at all. At least the cliffside gave her a getaway from this drowning feeling. The one that reminded her there was no escape. No number of pleasant Nows would change her Before.

"Shut up. Don't forget who took pity on you and got you out of prison," Chris quipped. That silenced Duncan, but his piercing gaze kept his presence known. "Back to the epiphany! I spent so much time trying to come up with new challenges. Looking at new real estate for the show. Then, I realized I was trying to reinvent the wheel! There was no reason to fix what isn't broken. And trust me, the ratings from you guys show that this certainly isn't broken. So, this season we will be revisiting fan-favorite challenges. Starting with—drum roll, please—the Deep Dive from the Cliff!"

"Oh, that's why we're up here again! Izzy loves this challenge. Izzy once took a deep dive from a moving car. I guess that isn't a deep dive, but it certainly was a crazy one!" Izzy rambled, jumping up and down on the balls of her feet. Courtney managed to roll her eyes, leave it to Izzy to be the only one who didn't realize why they were up here.

"Thank you for that unnecessary interjection. But yes, that is why we're up here. Each team will have to take a deep dive down this cliff into—yes, still shark-infested—the lake. From there, you will swim to the shore. There you will find crates. You won't know what is in the crate until you drag it back to the cabins. Once you've done all of this, begin working on building what's in the crate. Those who finish first—and successfully—will be saved from elimination!"

Silence ensued.

"Come on, can't you all act at least a tiny bit scared?"

"I didn't jump the first time. And I won't be jumping now." DJ shook his head, backing away from the edge that he was already 30 feet from. "Give me the chicken hat, and I'll be out of the way."

"Oh ho! No, no, no. We made a few tweaks to these challenges. You're always welcome to opt-out from jumping. But if you don't, you'll have to wear 6-week-old stinky cheese from Chef's kitchen. Chef! Bring out the cheese!"

Chef grumbled as he exited the woods with a tray. He had a clothespin on his nose, blocking any of the smell. The contestants began to gag, including DJ. Blocks of cheese were decorating the tray with a makeshift necklace attached to them. The cheeses were adorning the rope as if a jewel.

"Take your pick, DJ." Chris grinned evilly.

DJ eyes darted between the cheese and the cliffside. His head hung. "I can't jump, I swore to my Momma I'd be as careful as possible." With evident dread, DJ trudged to the tray. He gagged but allowed Chef to place a cheese necklace around his neck.

"You're crazy, kid. I wouldn't even touch this shit," Chef chuckled nasally. "Now get back to the shore." He turned DJ and pushed him towards the hill.

"Would anyone like to join DJ on the walk of disgust?" Chris inquired; his eyes sparkled as he was likely hoping to get to torture more of the contestants with this. Silence fell over the crowd. Apparently, man-eating sharks are preferred to the foulness of Chef's kitchen. "No? What a shame. Ok, so who's diving first?"

The contestants started glancing among each other. Courtney didn't care this season. She stepped forward with a raised hand.

"Courtney? Really, you?" Chris' jaw dropped.

"Yeah, I'm not wearing that cheese. I deal with enough gag-worthy food in the mess hall already," Courtney quipped. The contestants were murmuring behind her. Were they talking about her?

"Alrighty then, be my guest." Chris took a step to the side and displayed the edge of the cliff.

She stepped up to the edge. She looked down. The water was a deep blue, she couldn't see the bottom from here. The distance seemed far. It had scared her the first go-around, but now? It wasn't enough. She wanted to jump and that be it. That would be a pleasant last Now she imagined. Falling through the air. What would that feel like? This was her chance to find out.

She turned around, facing all her contestants. The wind chilled her. Her heels were hanging off the edge. Isn't this funny? She kept feeling so separate from everyone, and here was the perfect representation. Here, she was on display for everyone. Her ex. Her family. National television. Does she look as empty as she feels? Maybe she'll find out if she makes it to when this airs.

A bird passed between Courtney and the others. It flew by itself. She wanted to fall by herself. So, she looked up and leaned back allowing gravity to do its job.

Time seemed to stretch. The wind rushed around her body. Her hair whipped against her face. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. She wished this was it. If this was the extent of her existence maybe she would feel capable.

Above her, the cameras caught Duncan rushing forward. The contestants followed him. A drone panned upwards, capturing the dramatic moment. The person falling wasn't Courtney. It was just a body.

…

After some dreaded jumps, every contestant had made it back to shore. The Screaming Gophers and Killer Bass were trudging along with their crates. This go-around no team had any wheelbarrows or anything else to help with their trek. After some deliberation, Heather shut everyone up.

"Don't you guys get it? If we all go back at the same pace, we can go as slow as we want. Chris will have to wait on us."

Albeit this was a good idea, but it came out of Heather's mouth, which meant no one trusted her and everyone continued to push the crates as quickly as they could. DJ, however, had to stay at a 50-foot distance. He was the only one adorning a cheese necklace. The stench was amplified by the scorching sun. Courtney was glad she didn't care about jumping this season.

"Ow!" Courtney cursed under her breath and brought her hand from the crate. She had been pushing alongside Tyler but had to stop because of a piercing pain in her hand.

"Got a splinter, eh? Don't worry I can help," Tyler pulled out a utility tool and whipped out the tweezer extension. She backed up warily. Knowing Tyler's track record, it wasn't a good idea to let him help her. "Don't be afraid, ha ha. I get injuries all the time, so I've gotten really good at fixin' myself up."

With a skeptical look, Courtney took a step forward allowing him to look at her hand.

"Ah, this one is super close to the surface. Shouldn't hurt at all." Tyler took the tweezers and applied gentle pressure to the splinter as he removed the stray wood. She didn't feel a thing. "There. All better!" He looked proud of his handy work. He even had a sanitary wipe for the tweezers.

"Thanks." She gave him a small smile before turning back to the crate. The group had gotten quite a lead from them during this stop. She went to push the crate.

"Uh, wait." Tyler gently placed a hand on her forearm to stop her.

She turned to him with furrowed eyebrows. "We need to get a move-on if we're going to catch up with the team."

"I know. But I wanted to talk to you." He said the words too quickly as if it was a moment of courage instead of a thought-out decision. "Earlier, when you jumped. I noticed that you didn't really have any hesitation."

She put her hands on her hips, not really sure what he was getting at. "Yeah?"

"And well, I usually do some pretty wild stuff, eh? And I get hurt a lot, which I don't mind. But from what I gathered about you before was that you do mind getting hurt."

"Of course I mind, Tyler. Who would want to get injured?" she quipped.

"Exactly! I don't really go into those things hoping to get hurt. But you know, I go into them kinda hoping to feel something. Like… adrenaline, I guess? And you know, it isn't there anymore. And I got so desperate—well, I guess I'm still desperate—to get it back that I went to further extremes. This show was like the jackpot for me! But, I've also realized there are other things that can make me feel something. Like when I just helped you! I may not be good at a lot of things, but I am good at aiding recoveries and healing well. I've even got this homemade remedy for rug burn, road burn, really any kind of burn—"

"Your point is?" she interrupted him, not wanting to continue this conversation as she had no clue where it was going. Still.

"My point! Right. My point being that, uh, well, my point is when people act recklessly, most of the time it's a cry for help. Not that you'd ever need help! But I couldn't help but notice you seem different than before." Of course, she was different—isn't that what everybody on this fucking show wanted? "And I know we've never really talked, but I thought I'd let you know that I am here for you. Ya know, if you ever need it."

What the hell just happened? Tyler from Total Drama could have a conversation like this. She felt seen but wasn't happy about it. She didn't want people to notice. She was supposed to fake it so that she could move on. Give everyone one last show to remember. Despite this discomfort, she maintained her politeness.

"That's very kind of you. Thank you."

Tyler chuckled, scratching the back of his neck. "It's nothing. Just making sure you knew that some teammates here really can be friends."

"Got it, but we're not going to have a team if we don't get to camp already."

"Right! Let's go, eh?"

…

"If I had known you two were incapable of pushing a crate, I would have just carried it myself," Eva yelled as Tyler and Courtney approached the camp.

It seemed that their absence did affect the Killer Bass' progress. The Screaming Gophers already had a frame of something built; meanwhile, their team had nothing but pieces of wood strewn about. Eva stomped over and slammed a crowbar into the edge of their box, ripping it open with one tug. A paper booklet fell slowly through the air. Eva bent down and squinted at it.

"Well, would you look at that? No wonder we couldn't do anything! These two idiots had the instructions." Eva held up the booklet with a scoff. Groans from the rest of the team yielded a deep blush from both Tyler and Courtney. Courtney cursed the world, wanting nothing more than to move on.

Courtney snatched the booklet from Eva. "There's no reason to dawdle on this. We can still beat the other team. Ok, Tyler you…" She began shouting out tasks for everyone. Sure enough, her bossiness was met with a few retorts, but the team was too worried about losing to waste any more time.

Courtney was sliding two pieces together when she was approached by Duncan. He crouched down in front of her. His close presence made her heart beat at an uncomfortable pace. Her stomach clenched. Every physical reaction was telling her to get away ASAP. But she couldn't escape unless she wanted to guarantee her elimination.

"Hey, princess." His voice was even rougher than before. Hearing his voice on top of seeing him in person was enough to make Courtney nauseous. She felt her palms begin to sweat and curled her fingers inwards, relying on the sting from her fingernails to keep her focused on something else.

"Hi," she said flatly. Silence followed as Duncan just stared at her. It was uncomfortable and almost upsetting because she knew that he wasn't even thinking about this. That was something Courtney realized over time. Most things she never stops worrying over are nothing to others. Ironically, when she stopped putting in the effort to care, others started to worry. After a few more beats, she sighed, "What?"

He blinked quickly, shaking his head side-to-side. "Oh, yeah. I had an idea. Let's burn the Gophers' instructions."

Her eyes widened. "Don't you remember what happened last time you burned something on this island? Or do you need me to remind you?"

"Relax. It's a booklet of paper, not a building." He rolled his eyes. "Look, they gave Beth the instructions. I have no clue why. Maybe because she doesn't have the most helpful track record for them. But the papers are in her back pocket. I can swipe 'em no problem and get rid of them."

This was arguably the first moment Courtney realized that she would never be able to act as freely as him. Her life had been monotonous up until the show and will return to its pattern after. Her therapist would tell her Duncan is a poor counter-example. After all, his actions landed him in prison. But what about the others? Bridgette didn't spend the last four years of her life overloading herself hoping to go to a top college. She focused on what she cared about: marine animals. Or Justin who models. Or Trent who plays music.

The point is there will always be one thing that will separate her from her peers. She will always live for an After, never a Now. To her, she's already not living. So what does this matter?

With those draining thoughts, Courtney had nothing left in her to argue. "Whatever, Duncan. Do what you want."

Duncan audibly took in air, even fumbling from his crouching stance. She couldn't blame him, she already ran out of energy acting like her bossy persona. Without another word or reaction, he rose up and left her line of sight. She flipped her hands, letting her fingers uncurl. Crescent moon indentations were present. No blood this time. That was some progress.

…

"You. Lost. The. Instructions!" Heather screamed at Beth. Courtney had dropped the hammer she was working with at the exclamation; luckily, it landed by her foot and not on it. Clearly, Duncan went through with his idiot plan. An idiot plan that may work.

The Killer Bass all turned to face the one-sided screaming match. Heather cowered over Beth's shorter frame. In Heather's raised hand was a hammer, she swung it side to side with every word. Trent rushed over and struggled to get it from her. Heather's strength surpassed him so much that she lifted him from the ground alongside the hammer.

"Somebody help!" Trent yelled, his body slung with the hammer. "Please!"

Owen rushed forward and wrapped his arms around Trent's torso, effectively pulling him and the hammer from Heather's grasp.

"Heather. You need to calm down," Gwen ordered. A murmur of "please" and "yes" followed. Apparently, the group consensus was that the outburst was too much.

Heather spun around on her heel, putting the rest of her team under her intense gaze. "Fine! Let's blame Heather for reacting to the failure of her teammate! Do what you want. But it doesn't change the fact that we are just halfway done building whatever this crap is, and we don't know how to finish."

The crickets became obnoxiously loud as both teams went silent at Heather's harsh truth. Courtney wouldn't put it past the producers to be fabricating the nature sounds with the hidden speakers.

"I didn't mean to lose it!" Beth cried.

"No one means to lose anything. That's stupid," Noah droned.

"This is a shame. What will you guys do without instructions?" Duncan cackled. Courtney stopped herself from sparing a glance. She hated that his plan might actually work. She hated herself more for not ratting him out, but when it came to sparing Duncan or helping the opposing team, she had to choose sparing Duncan.

"We could share our instructions with you." Geoff laid his arm around Duncan's shoulders. "After we're done, of course." The two of them doubled down in laughter. Geoff must've gotten a stitch in his side because he fell on the ground. His cowboy hat tumbled off of his head. The Screaming Gophers were not pleased with the joke. Eventually, after much grumbling, their team started attempting to build it from memory.

"Maybe you two shouldn't waste so much time taunting the other team, and, instead—I don't know—actually complete the challenge," Courtney snapped. This day had dragged on, and she just wanted to lay down.

Heather turned to Beth one last time. "If we lose. You go home."

Both teams struggled to work in the heat, but, to no one's surprise, the Killer Bass completed their build while the Screaming Gophers had made no more progress from before.

"You've got to be kidding me," LeShawna shouted. The Killer Bass worked tirelessly all afternoon to build… their bunk beds. "If we don't finish our building, we don't have a place to sleep!"

Chris cackled, being carted in by some interns. "That is right. Brilliant idea if I do say so myself. I am a genius!"

"Oh, shut up already!" all the campers yelled.

"Uh, how do we get the bunk beds into the cabin?" Cody raised his hand while speaking. "They don't look like they'll—uh—fit through the doorways."

Once again, crickets filled the awkward silence.

"Well, you all should hope it doesn't rain! Screaming Gophers, I'll see you down by the campfire. Take me away, losers!"

Courtney wanted to scream. She wanted nothing more than a few hours of privacy after a day surrounded by cameras. She groaned alongside the rest of the team and decided to head to the one place she knew cameras weren't allowed: the showers.

…

The water finally got warm after five minutes. She let it drench her hair. As she washed her body, she felt as if it wasn't hers. She hated showers. She didn't want to touch herself, and she hated being completely naked. She hadn't told her therapist about this. She learned her lesson with depression: if you don't have a reason to feel that way, don't share. It will always, always, always result in more labels that she didn't have the energy to care about. Here, on this show, it became a worse problem. Her only privacy was in the showers. But she could barely suppress her gag reflex now that she had spent 15 minutes in the shower.

She heard the bathhouse door swing open; until that moment, she had been alone. She waited to hear who came in, the flip-flops eventually coming to a stop.

"You know, if you keep using all of that hot water, I will be pissed," Heather's shrill voice rang out.

Courtney rolled her eyes and reached out to turn the water off. She grabbed her towel and wrapped it around her body, relieved that she had some cover. Heather had her luxurious robe on and her hands on her hips.

"The shower is all yours."

Courtney began to brush out her hair but grew uncomfortable. Heather hadn't moved. She was staring at Courtney.

"Can I help you with something?"

"Actually, you can." Heather strutted over to the mirrors and began to apply eye cream. "Listen." She grabbed Courtney by the shoulders so the two of them could look into each other's eyes. "It's complete and utter bullshit that neither you nor I have ever gotten anything worthwhile from this fucking show. Right?"

Courtney blinked. Heather wasn't wrong. "Your point?"

"Isn't it obvious? After me, you're like the most badass bitch here. We need to band together. Like, form an alliance. To get to the end together! At least then, someone deserving will win. What do you say?"

Heather had extended her hand to Courtney. A surprising gesture, considering Heather had a strict "Don't touch me. Don't look at me. Don't think about me" rule to everyone here. Clearly, Heather saw something in Courtney. Maybe Courtney hadn't changed entirely—maybe there was still some Before left in her.

So, Courtney took Heather's, and maybe made her first friend's, hand. Well, more like a co-conspirator, but close enough.

...

If you or your loved ones are struggling with suicidal thoughts or disorderly eating, please know you are not alone. There are many people out there who work for supportive organizations that offer help. Please see below for the numbers of accessible resources.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255 (24/7 services)

National Eating Disorders Association: 800-931-2237 (Hours are Mon-Thurs 11am-9pm ET, Fri 11am-5pm ET)