Hi guys, I hope everyone is enjoying this. I certainly am. I have loved the comments so far. They truly make me smile and improve my day every time. I promise there will be some Stabler in the next Chapter, just needed to get this out for Liv. Again, I'm too tired to proofread so sorry for any mistakes.
As usual, I'd love any reviews or favourites. Hope you enjoy!
Trigger Warnings for panic attacks and grooming.

Chapter 4

"She enjoyed it you know; oh, you should have heard the noises that came out of her pretty little mouth when I…"

She felt her stomach churned. For a second, she genuinely thought she would throw up, she left fin there as she rushed off to the bathroom, hoping nobody would follow her.

It wasn't just the realisation that she had not only had sex with a vile predator but had enjoyed it. She was humiliated. Usually extremely private her friends, especially her subordinate colleagues. Hell, not even Elliot got a good look into her love life and now, not only her love life, but her sex life was on display for all to see. Fuck, she needed to get out of there. The room was spinning, and she forced her way into the bathroom in a grave attempt to avoid any human contact with absolutely anyone.

She locked herself in the bathroom, and sat there, head in hands for what felt like hours. People came in and out of the other cubicles, she could hear the sounds of footsteps, toilets flushing, taps flowing. The fluorescent light above flickering occasionally. Eventually, the only sounds that her brain could register was that of her own breaths, filling and escaping her lungs. The wave of nausea subsided, and she sat up, staring at the inside of the cubicle door.

The door was painted a dark grey and was grossly plain. Absorbing the utter plainness of the door, her mind began to wonder. She thought back to her youth, one memory in particular. She was in a subway bathroom, staring at yet another door. This one, all but plain. This door was covered with usual obscenities, various artworks and dozens of love confessions and promises. So much emotion, she thought, for a public bathroom.

She was sixteen, filled with excitement. Burton was taking her out. She had met him at the Subway, telling her mum that she was going to study at the library. She didn't know what he had planned but it felt good. She was happy and for then, that felt like was enough.

Their night was spent exploring the city, a picnic under the stars in central park and finally ending in his dorm room around 4am in the morning. They had sex that night. She wanted to. The whole night was an escape and she thought she was happy. For one night, she was free from her mother. She would have done anything to feel that again. But… it was all false.

She was vulnerable. She was manipulated. She thought she was respected, and she thought she was happy. But she was used. And he went on to do the same to many other victims.

God, how could she have enjoyed it? How could she have been so blind? Especially now.

She's doubting herself now, about everything. How can her squad even trust her judgement?

Fuck

She is brought out of her spiral, by the sound of the hand dryer being used. She didn't know how much time had passed, but she figured she should probably get out of the bathroom. But she can't face her squad, her precinct.

She quickly exits the bathroom and heads straight for the door. She needs some air.

Lowe left the squad room about 30 minutes ago. Fin is sitting at his desk, following up on some leads for one of their dozen cases.

After the interrogation, Liv had rushed off before Lowe had been pulled out. Throughout the whole thing, he could see her fidgeting from the corner of his eye. She was anxious, angry and embarrassed. He knew that the best thing he could do right then was let her be. He would talk to her later.

Back at his desk, he noticed her leave the bathroom in a hurry, making a beeline for the stairs. He knew where she was going. There was a park three blocks away from the precinct with a really good coffee cart next to it. It was her go to when she needed to think about a case, or anything else for that matter. He gave it a few minutes and started to head towards the park, hoping she had had a bit of time to think things through a little bit.

He found her sitting on a bench under the big tree in the centre of the park. Coffee in hand. Autumn leaves falling around her.

She didn't look at him, but she knew he was there. He sat beside her, leaning back on the bench, sitting in a comfortable silene for a few minutes. Eventually, he knew she needed to talk, just didn't know what to say, so he started.

"It sucks Liv, it really does… It's all just fucked up"

She turns her head, looking up at him, resting her chin on her palm with her elbow on her knee.

"How can I face the squad? It's humiliating, Fin." She whispers, her eyes becoming glassy.

"It okay to feel how you feel right now but know that you have no reason to be ashamed. We all respect the hell out of you Liv. All of us, we got you." It was the second time that day that fin had made that point. Maybe her thought, if he said it enough, she would eventually believe him.

Deep down, she knew he was right. About everything. This might be the only opportunity for Burton's victims to have justice. She could help them. She could heal herself. She had to do this. It wasn't about him anymore. She didn't want it to be about him anymore. She knows she has to testify.

She is still staring at Fin, whilst having this revelation. Sitting up straight, she pats Fins knee and goes to stand up. Fin joins her, recognising her signal that she has made up her mind. He pats her shoulder lightly and they turn toward to the exit to the park.

"They're going to arraign him tonight" Fin says, waiting for a response.

Not getting one, he continues "Do you want to go?"

She stops, mid stride and turning to him slightly. She tilts her head, "You know what, I think I do."

Fin nods and they continue to walk in silence.

Despite her recent level of calm, as they walk and she thinks about seeing him again, seeing the legal process begin, her anxiety begins to return. Her heartrate increases and she can feel the throbbing of bruise on her face which isn't as hidden as she would like it to be. She is beginning to panic. Her breathing has increase and her hands are sweating.

They turn a corner, the courthouse now in view. As they stop at a crosswalk, Fin reaches down, squeezing her forearm, having notice her nervous state. Feeling his touch steadies her a little bit and she hates that she needs help, even though Fin will always offer.

Fuck, she hates feeling this way. A part of her just wants everything to go away; to just go home, hug her son, put on some sweats and curl up on the couch and not leave her house for a week.

She looks up, standing at the base of the courthouse steps. Not even remembering the exactly how she got here. Fin starts to walk up the steps. She calls out to him, yet again having madding a gut decision.

"Go on ahead Fin, I think I'm just going to hang out here. I don't want to go in."

"No problem, I'll let you know how it goes. You good?" he asks, already knowing she's going to lie.

She nods and he turns to continue up the steps.

She hated feeling like this. Burton Lowe was making her anxious, and he doesn't have that right. She's going to do this. She is going to put him away, but not at her own expense. Her decision not to go was an act of self-preservation. She smiles a little, realising she was taking care of herself for a change. A small chuckle escaped her lips at the absurdity of such a realisation.

Her heartbeat had calmed, and she wasn't anxious anymore. Stressed, yes. But not anxious. She began to stroll the length of the courthouse steps to pass the time and keep herself from getting too cold. It was nice to just watch the world go by; to be a part of the crowd, rather than an onlooker. To simply surrender to the ebb and flow even if it was just for 15 minutes.