Hi everyone, hope everyone had a great holiday break! All mistakes are mine, sorry. Please feel free to leave a comment, they really mean a lot. I hope you enjoy
Is it alright if I come over?
She stares as the message on her screen. Her mind is suddenly blank. Her want for him and her desire for some time alone are seemingly cancelling each other out resulting in a momentary trance of nothingness.
I'd really like to talk.
A second message pops up on the screen, bringing her out of this trance. Now her mind is racing. her brain coming up with a million excuses to say no. Noah could be sick. She could've caught a case. Hell, she could've just have gone to bed already.
All of these excuses cross her mind as easy ways to avoid this situation. But a part of her doesn't want to. As angry as she is at Elliot and as vulnerable as she is today, she wants him. She wants him to be here with her. She wants to feel safe and maybe just for a night, they can forget all of their complications.
She picks up her phone to respond, Alright, Noah is away this week so its okay.
Within ten seconds of sending her message, he gets back to her.
I'm downstairs. I will see you soon.
Of course, he is fucking downstairs. She should've expected that one. A part of her is comforted by the fact that he is already there despite his presumptive attitude that she would be willing to speak to him.
Before her mind can hash out this conflict too much, she hears a knock at her door. It's a calm knock, strong but not intimidating. A far cry from the last time he was here, pounding on her door, demanding to be let in.
Taking one last sip of her wine, she gets up off of the couch and walks toward the door. She unlocks several locks before pulling the door open. Elliot is there, standing right in front of her. He is still wearing his three-piece suit from earlier that day, implying he came straight form work which begs the question how long he has been sitting in front of her apartment building.
"Hi" he says, "I'm sorry for coming by this late, I just… needed to see you."
"it's okay, come in" she turns, walking back into her living room. She continues to the kitchen while he stays, awkwardly standing in the middle of her living room.
"Wine?" she asks, already pouring another glass for herself.
He nods. She pours a second glass and returns to the living room. A glass in each hand and the bottle under her arm. She has a feeling that whatever is going to follow, she's going to need a refill or two.
Gesturing to the armchair opposite the couch, she sits back in her spot on the couch while he takes in place across from her. She'd placed the wine on the coffee table and now they are just sitting there, oddly reminiscent of that night a few months ago.
He has so many questions but knows that he doesn't necessarily have a right to ask most of them. He wants to know what has happened to her in these past ten years. He wants to know about the bruise on her face. He wans to know what happened at court today. He wants to know it all but he cant just assume that she wants him to know.
He starts of simple, "How are you?" vague but pointed.
"Elliot" she interjects. "Let's not. Let's not do this. Whatever this is. I'm tired and have had a very bad day. Hell, a very bad week. You came here for a reason. Just ask what you want to ask. I'm not up for small talk". She wipes her hands up and down her face and leans forward, reaching for her wine. Sitting back, waiting for his response, she sips her wines. Examining him.
He seems a little bit shocked at her bluntness. Very few times in their partnership have they been truly explicit about how they were feeling. He doesn't quite know what he expected when her came by tonight, but it wasn't quite this.
"Liv, I don't… I shouldn't have come, I'm sorry. You've had a long day. I should go" he begins to get up when she starts to speak. Yell almost.
"Sit down!" she looks him straight in the eye and he can't help but comply.
"Elliot, we have been dancing around each other since you have come back. I get that you were dealing with a lot, and I'd tried to be there for you but it's exhausting. This is a one-way street, Elliot. You take and take and take but you aren't there when I need you, you weren't there when I needed you." She takes a breath, giving him an opportunity to respond, but he doesn't.
"You came here tonight for a reason. You have questions. You want to know about this" she says, pointing to the bruise on her face.
"Knowing you, your interest is probably more out of curiosity rather than concern" she quips.
That stings. He sits there, absorbing her words. Is that really what she thinks of him. Does she really think that he doesn't care? Well, it's not like he has given her much indication to the contrary. She is right. He hasn't not been there for her at all. Clearly something has happened recently, let alone the past fucking decade.
"Liv, I… that's not true." He stands up from his place in the armchair and moves toward her. He sits on the opposite end of the couch to her. If he reaches him arm out, he could touch her face.
"Yes Liv, I want to know what happened to you, not only the bruise on your face, but everything I have missed in the past ten years, good and bad. I just thought… A part of me just thought that you didn't want me to know, that I didn't deserve to know".
"That's a cop out El, and you know it" she seethes. "You have spent the last nine months running away. You ran away from Kathy, you ran away from me, you ran away from your kids."
She is calmer now "The only thing that running away accomplishes is leaving people behind… and you have left me behind a few too many times, Elliot". Her eyes are now filled with unshed tears, she takes a sip trying, to swallow the lump that has formed in her throat.
"I know, Liv. I'm sorry. I fucked up. I fucked up ten years ago and fucked up pretty much every day for the last nine months. I don't deserve your forgiveness and I completely understanding if you tell me to just fuck off. I just… I don't know, needed… you. I want us to work. I am willing to do whatever I need to do to earn us back Liv but just know that I want this to work." He's pleading with her now.
"What the fuck is 'Us'? What were we? What are we? Fuck knows." She leans back into the cushions behind her, caressing her glass of wine.
"You know the worst part of this, El? I want to be angry at you. I want to be fucking furious at you. I was at a time. But know, I am just so tired. And I want my friend. I today, at the courthouse, I wanted nothing more than for you to follow me. It's irrational and it doesn't make sense but that's what I wanted. That's what I want."
He reaches for her this time, not her face, but he does rest his hand on her knee. "Liv, I did follow you this afternoon. I stopped when I saw Fin was with you, but I will always follow you. I know I have missed a lot and I will do my best to make up for that now but just know that I will always follow you. This friendship of ours is important to me. More than you know, and I want to rebuild it. I want to in my life. I want us in my life."
Her head is still leaning backward but her hand reaches forward to rest on top of his on her knee.
"El, I'm just so tired" and at that, the tears escape. She feels a wave on relief flood her body. They still have a journey to traverse but hearing him and his determination to fix them makes her feel free in some way. Free to finally fall down.
"We're really bad at this aren't we?" he says with a smirk on his face. This illicit a small chuckle from Liv as she lifts her head back up, their hands still intertwined.
They exchange a look which settles both of them. There are no words to articulate where they are but they both know where they are and that's enough for now.
He looks down at their hands, hers resting on top of his. "What happened today, Liv? What happened to your face?"
If he got nothing else out of tonight, he really wanted to know this. He needed to be able to do something for her, now, if he could.
With the last few feet of her walls finally crumbling, she began.
"He hit me" now she is staring blankly at the wall behind Elliot's head, holding his hand a little tighter.
"His name is Burton Lowe. We used to date when I was a teenager. We were going to get married".
"He was older than you, wasn't he?" he says, remembering a specific memory from there second year together.
"You remembered?" she says, looking him in the eye now.
He nods, signalling her to continue.
"I was vulnerable, I wanted to escape my mother and he was so… he was my out. I thought I loved him, but what did I know. He was using me, but of course, I didn't realise this until forty years later after falling back in bed with him." At that, Elliot ground his jaw, trying not to show is growing anger.
"He got caught up in a case we were working and we kind of… anyway, during the case, he was accused of sexual assault by one woman. Soon, more women came forward. Multiple stories of manipulation and exploitation. All eerily familiar to our relationship. It was a slow realisation but fucking painful." She's the one to get up now, breaking their contact, she turns away from him to stare out the window. "I should've fucking known better, El. How could I let this happen?" she tries to choke back a sob.
Now its Elliot's turn to stand, following her to the window. Not wanting to cross any lines, he just places his hand on her shoulder.
"Liv, this is not your fault. He's a fucking son of a bitch and you are the strongest person I know. This is not your fault."
She turns, to face him now, his hand now reaching for her faces, caressing her cheek ever so gently, running his thumb lightly over her bruise. She lets her face rest in the palm of his hand just for a second.
"I confronted him one night, at his hotel. He was drunk. Angry. Blamed me. I got out of there, but he came to my office the next day. He tried to convince me that I was different. That what we had was real. When I denied him this fantasy, he hit me." At that, Elliot's free hand clenched, forming a fist, but remaining at his side.
"My detectives arrested him, and he was arraigned this evening, that's why I was at this courthouse. Pleaded not guilty. He wants a trial. He wants to humiliate me. He's coming for me and I'm just so tired of fighting." She falls forward, resting her forehead on his chest, while his hands come up to wrap around her.
"Liv, I'm not going to let you fight alone. I promise, you. I will be here for you. Whatever you need". He hugs her a little bit tighter and rests his chin on the top of her head. They stand there, fitting into each other's arms perfectly for what may well be forever. Forever for right now, at least.