Note: Big TW for thoughts of self hatred. Maybe it's over the top but... it's what goes through my mind and I told you guys this was a vent!
Why?...That was the question that floated through Sans's head right then, overwhelming him with the variety of why's, why this, why that. WHY WHY WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY...
i don't deserve to know. don't deserve...
He tried to breath in and out steadily, maybe answering some of the why's would help. Why was he here in the lab? Because Papyrus had found his cuts evidently.
failure.
Why was there an IV connected to his soul? His HP must've dropped below 1.
weak.
Why was there a glowing chain around his ankle connected to the cot he had awakened on? That he didn't know yet.
stupid.
Then, he realized...
heh, He thought humorlessly, 'alphys is smart, magic chain to keep me from teleporting away.
He poked at it to test how tight it was, and he knew he could get out if he really wanted to, it'd just take detaching his foot momentarily, and also passing out from the pain probably, which would alert Alphys.
i should hurt though, why do they stop me?...
Heh. Yeah. Best not try anything to worry em further.
too late too late. just a burden.
He continued on to the line of why's. Why did Papyrus find his cuts?... Because, he wasn't careful enough. Because he was stupid, and he had let his guard down.
what guard? too selfish to hide my true self.
He stared numbly at the ground, for all the hate roiling in his head, all pummeling him with sharp jabs, he felt... nothing. Yet again, he was back to, numb. Man, he'd never thought he'd feel numb again.
the thoughts don't hurt as they should.
He wasn't sure which was better anyway, numb, or full of pain. But right now, he would've given anything for the pain, because, he sure deserved to feel it. What was the point of feeling numb if you knew you should be feeling guilty? This wasn't the blissful numb of a drunk stupor, this was...
i don't deserve peace.
He sighed, looking down at his arms with some distaste.
stupid freaking idiot.
Why hadn't he been more careful? ... What did it matter anyway? The kid would probably reset before this got too far. Unless...
what if they got mad at me? what if they kept hurting everyone because of me?
He pressed his hands against his eyesockets. No, he had thought the kid would stop resetting on certain timelines before, and they hadn't, so why would they stop now?
because of me, because of me-
He jolted, the kid. He hadn't been there to greet them like normal, he had just-
"they're never going to quit now," he gasped in numb shock, "they're gonna keep resetting to find every possible scenario from this. what if something else new happens after a while? oh my gosh... oh my gosh, what have i done? what have i done?"
trash is right, i'm trash, he said so, my bud, he said it-
He held his head in his hands, now unsure of what he felt. Fear perhaps. Or guilt. He couldn't breathe.
ruined it, i ruined everything again. stupid useless burden.
What had he done? And where was Papyrus? The kid had probably killed him, he was probably dead again. It was all his fault, why had he done this? What kind of pawn was he in this? Why'd he keep changing the story?
idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot.
"no, no, no, no," he muttered, curling his knees to his chest, "what have i done? what have i done?"
what is wrong with me?
HP: 0.5/ 0.99