Ferrari had heard about a vampire roaming the streets of South Park at night, looking for prey, but she wasn't afraid of vampires—she was afraid of sons of bitches, who were real and caused real harm. Ever since she started to work at Raisins when she was ten, she had found that their small clothes were often taken as an invitation to do with them what they wanted. The more she aged, the less some dudes seemed to respect a Raisins girl and the more she was prone to having an unpleasant encounter. That was why the girls usually went home all together after work or had a guy from security follow them.
She knew better, but that time she was alone and she was starting to regret her decision. Because the streets seemed empty but it was like that movie, Jaws: the waters were calm but that didn't mean there wasn't some big monster lurking. There was no one to be seen, but she hurried up because she felt someone was following her.
Every time she turned around she found nothing but her own shadow. Still, there was this ominous feeling she couldn't get rid of. There was no one, but she knew she was being watched...
She turned around once again. See? No one.
But when she turned again, she found why she had been feeling like that. Because it was true that someone had been following her steps. A man with long, dark hair stood right in front of her, she almost bumped into him. Ferrari let out a yelp.
When he smiled, he showed pointy canines.
"This is no time to walk around alone. There are things that go bump in the night, per se..." Mike said.
Ferrari wasn't going to hear what this creep wanted to say. She hit the man with her purse and tried to escape, but he grabbed her by the arm.
"You will enjoy it, becoming one..."
"No! Stay away from me! Stop!" Ferrari tried to hit him, but he was too strong for her. She couldn't help having him too close. She could only shiver when she felt the disgusting touch of his tongue on her neck, and the tip of his fangs...
Suddenly, both of them fell to the pavement, and Ferrari saw her hairdo was ruined, just like if a hurricane had passed.
"W-What...?" Mike looked around alarmed.
"That's no way of t-t-treating ladies, p-p-pal!"
"Who said that?!" Mike cried. He still saw no one, no one!
"I'm here." The voice said, and Mike was sent to the ground again by a powerful force, as if an invisible truck had ran over him.
"Or am I over here?" And again, when he was about to stand up, Mike kissed the dust again.
"I guess I am e-everywhere!"
Mike was hit one, two, three times. And he still couldn't figure out by what! There was no way he could face it, so, after snarling, he ran away. Then, only then, Jimmy became visible, in a whirlwind.
"That's right, go home and think of what you've d-d-d-done!"
"Oh, thank you, thank you so much! That horrible thing was going to kill me! Thank you!" Ferrari, with her eyes filling with relief tears, ran to hug her savior.
"N-No problem, miss! Fastpass's always ready to kick a-a-ass!" After a gentle smile, the hero dashed away, Ferrari barely had the time to say:
"Wait! Wait! Please, I need to reward you somehow!"
Jimmy was back to her in a mili-second.
"There's no need for that, miss. A hero does good deeds for the s-sake of it."
"No, please, I need to thank you somehow, really. You just saved my life. Please, come back to Raisins with me, the girls need to know we have a guardian angel taking care of us!"
"Oh, well, I don't wanna be rude." Jimmy said, and to save time, he took Ferrari in his arms and took her back to the restaurant.
"Girls! Girls, oh, my God, you won't believe what happened to me!" Ferrari joined the coworkers who were setting everything up for the night. "I got assaulted on my way to get ice!"
"No way! Oh, dear, are you alright, hun?" Porsche exclaimed, running like the others to surround Ferrari and pat her back.
"Yes, thanks to him!" Ferrari pointed at Jimmy.
"It was nothing. If some mother-hubbard wants to b-bother you again, just call me and I'll be there like a li-lightning!" The hero smiled at the ladies and gave them the military salute.
"Thank you so much! Oh, gosh, you are so brave!" Mercedes hugged him, and she felt his arms too. "And muscled! Did you see that, girls?"
"You are like a dream come true!" Porsche admired him.
"Look at him! Wow!" Lexus exclaimed.
Jimmy was a usual Raisins customer. He used to go there with the old gang, but ever since Token found himself a new girlfriend and Clyde had this crush on the One and Only, he had to go alone. Sometimes it sucked being the only single in the group, but the good thing was that those girls gave all of their praise to him alone. They talked about how cool he was, how brave, how impressively functional...But he had only hoped to get this kind of attention in his dreams! He felt like he had died and gone to heaven!
"You're not as busy as not to accept a free drink, do you?" Mercedes asked, already coming to him with a bottle of whiskey.
"Oh, well...I shouldn't drink at w-work..." Jimmy muttered.
"Come ooon, pretty-please?" Oh, that look on her face was enough to make any straight man have a good boner! How could he resist?
"All right. I don't want to offend you."
So he accepted that drink. It was really good, he finished it in a gulp.
"Have another one, sweetie, you deserve it." Mercedes said, and filled his glass.
"It must be really dangerous to be a superhero!" Porsche looked at him touching her hair in a delicious way.
"Yes, it is. But when lives are in danger, you don't even t-think about it." Jimmy replied.
"Tell us more about the life of the superhero, please. It must be sooo exciting." Mercedes said, and filled his glass once more.
He was living the dream of every male in South Park, having that swarm of gorgeous women around him, listening to him in awe, feeling his muscles, admiring his costume and his feats, filling his glass every time he finished it.
"Who is the man behind the mask?" Lexus mischievously sat on his lap and caressed his helmet, feinting to take it off.
"Why ruining the fun?" Porsche replied, hugging Jimmy from behind. He felt the soft touch of her bosom against the back of his head.
"Yeah, mystery is so sexy..." Mercedes purred, so close to him that Jimmy could see her figure closely and was admired of how nice it looked for having had a kid.
"Girls..." Jimmy slurred, overwhelmed by so much female attention. "I should leave now..."
"Owww...Don't you like us, dearie?" Ferrari asked, her face so close to his.
"Absolutely...I...I like you so much..."
"I know what will make you change your mind." Lexus got up from his lap and made a gesture at the other women to join her. "Let's show him our special dance, girls."
Oh, gosh, the dance...Jimmy had seen it before as a customer, surrounded by a roaring crowd...But this time it was special...He was the only one in the room, they were dancing just for him...Those burning eyes were on him and only him, those butts were shaking just for his delight...And his glass refilled endlessly...
The lights of the local confused him, like a multicolor vortex. He felt like falling...He tasted so many lips, touched so much skin...
He could hold his liquor, that was obvious, because it took the women long to make him pass out.
Porsche gave him a couple soft slaps and Jimmy just reacted groaning. He was K.O, finally. All stupid giggles ceased, they exchanged a serious look.
The PC children walked out from behind a curtain, cell phone in hand.
"Got it?" Lexus asked.
"Yeah." Harper nodded.
"Fine. Your turn, Maserati." Lexus said, turning around.
Another Raisins worker approached to the unconscious man.
Heidi had her hair done, definitely. She even touched it so he noticed it, or that was what he imagined. He guessed she was expecting a nice comment.
"You look gorgeous today."
Heidi giggled.
"You look really nice, too. You look so well in a suit...You should wear it more often..."
"Heh, no. I actually hate it." Kyle smirked, pulling his collar like it was chocking him. He hadn't changed his clothes because he had just come out of work.
Heidi was about to say something when a distant argument interrupted her. "Me suckie-suckie you!", and the manager of the restaurant replying: "Get out of here, you whore!"
Cartman's apparition, with those shorts which somehow made his fat ass look even more gigantic (it was possible and Kyle couldn't believe it!), bare chest and his now usual slutty face, made the customers uncomfortable, but it affected Kyle and Heidi even more. It was like a cloud that ruined their date even long after he was kicked out.
"God knows I am not the one who's going to defend Eric, but I kind of pity him. He had to suffer quite a big brain damage for him to go around acting like that..." Heidi muttered.
"Nah..." Was Kyle's response, along with a shrug, and quickly changed the subject. "But if you want it, I could wear a suit more often."
"Didn't you just say you hate it?" Heidi asked.
"If it pleases you..."
"Oh, no, please. Don't try to change for anyone. I learned that the wrong way..." Heidi sighed, and Kyle was afraid that Cartman was ruining his day even with his brain wrecked.
"I'm free this weekend. Maybe we could go watch a movie, or get the bikes..." He tried to change the subject.
"I would love that; the bikes, I mean. We're having such a nice weather..." Heidi seemed to forget about her bad experience dating Cartman, because she got her smile back.
"And I owe you. I'm such a bad boyfriend..." Kyle smirked, giving his water a sip.
"It's not your fault that you have to work that much." Heidi smiled kindly.
And she reached for his hand, which Kyle caressed tenderly.
Fastpass.
The word made his attention turn to the television hanging on the wall, right behind Heidi.
"So...what do you want to do after this?" Heidi asked Kyle, taking a bite of her salad.
«...The photograph of Fastpass with a minor on his lap has caused a great controversy on social media. Here we can see the girl, aged nine, sitting on Fastpass lap and his hand on her groin. The family of the child has already declared their intention of suing the vigilante. For the moment, the Freedom Pals have not made any statements...»
"Fuck!" Kyle exclaimed.
Heidi went very, very red. She looked around, knowing that the people around them had heard it perfectly.
"Well...I-If you want to..." She said in a much more discreet voice.
"I'm sorry, what?" Kyle blinked and looked at her.
"I said if you want to fuck...I can go to the restroom and you can...you know...follow me..." Heidi told him, approaching to whisper.
Now it was Kyle's turn to blush so much the color of his face matched his hair's.
"Uh...A-Are you sure...Oh!...O-Okay..."
Heidi giggled. "I am in the mood for something naughty, hee hee..."
He would have giggled too if his head wasn't in the news...
"JIMMY, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!"
"Ugh! Don't sh-shout, dammit!" Jimmy held his head like it was going to explode.
"Oh. Sorry, pal. Ssssh, everyone. He's had a hard night, having FUCKING CHILDREN DRY HUMP HIM!" Kyle kept shouting at his face.
"Don't say n-nonsense, Kyle! I would never do such thing, ever!" Jimmy defended himself.
"Then what are these photos?" Token pointed at the horrible pictures on the screen, pictures that he couldn't watch without cringing. "That guy looks just like you!"
"Okay, that's me, alright. The Raisins girls wanted to...to tha-thank me for saving one of them, made me d-drink...But they were all over twenty-one! There were no kids in there!" Jimmy kept saying.
"That's what a guilty guy would say..." Craig said, and Kenny squinted at his words, agreeing with him without opening his mouth to declare it.
"For fuck s-sake, Cr-Cr-Craig, we've been fr-fr-friends since fourth g-grade! How can you think that I'd d-d-d-d-d-do something like that?!" Jimmy stood up and confronted Craig.
"How do we know you haven't been hiding your inclinations?" Craig insisted.
"I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE!" Craig's ability to make everyone lose their temper had an effect on Jimmy, who raised one of his crutches, ready to hit Craig in the head. He would have done it if it wasn't for Stan and Scott holding him.
"Calm down, please, YOU'RE DRIVING ME MAD!" Tweek jumped between both of them. "Sorry, Jimmy, we just don't know what to think...I know! Timmy, check if he's lying to us!"
"Oh, c-come on!" Jimmy protested. He turned to his disabled friend, who was ready to oblige. "Timmy!"
["I believe you, Jimmy, but, please, if you've got nothing to hide, there's nothing to be afraid of."] Timmy said, and placed his index finger on his temple.
"Are we really-?" Jimmy had an spasm when his friend got into his mind and searched. It felt like he had taken a spoon and was mopping his brains up.
Timmy sent the information he was getting to everyone's brains. They saw the girls, the endless shots, the dance, all blurry, like a video tape with too many fancy effects, and then, all black, until next morning, when he found himself in an empty room.
"That wasn't f-f-fair..." Jimmy grunted, holding onto his crutches not to fall from the dizziness.
"All right, so it's true, you didn't do anything." Craig admitted.
"Thank you! G-Good to know I have such nice friends who t-trust me!" Jimmy frowned.
"We still have a problem." Clyde said. "If Jimmy didn't ask that girl to do those things..."
"This seems like blackmail to me..." Stan rubbed his beard.
"More like trying to damage Fastpass' image." Token muttered.
"And you can bet they got what they wanted." Wendy said, her eyes moving frenetically under her eyelids, processing info from the cloud. "The whole Internet is talking about it. It is a trending topic. Sorry, Jimmy, but you are in deep, deep, deep trouble."
"An enemy who wants revenge, perhaps?" Scott crossed his arms. "And somehow got the Raisins to help?"
"We've made lots of enemies these years, we'll spend years trying to figure out who did it!" Tweek said.
"Okay, and what should I d-do now?" Jimmy asked.
"I've been discussing it with Ike via texting a while ago." Wendy said. "We won't make any statements about this, but we'd recommend you to keep a low profile until people—well, not forget it, but at least calm down. No one is going to let you be near a child with these news everywhere."
Jimmy seemed so downhearted it was obvious he hadn't done it, and they felt guilty for having suspected it.
"I'm sorry." Craig apologized, even, patting his back.
"No, it's o-okay...You had to be su-sure...I g-guess I can stick to comedy for a w-while...It's a pity, though...It feels so good to save lives..." Jimmy sighed.
["We will get to the bottom of this."], Timmy showed his support too, giving him a friendly punch on an arm. Jimmy smiled at him and the others.
"Can't you figure out who published the pictures?" Token asked Wendy.
"Apparently it was an anonymous, who sent the images to the news." Wendy said. "I will try to go deeper into that, try to get as much metadata as I can."
"Fuck that guy, w-whoever he is..." Jimmy grunted.