Thank you all so much for the kind comments & kudos they mean the world!
And my name isn't AngstyQueen for nothing so grab your tissues!
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Olivia drove around the city for what seemed like forever before she went home. There was no small apartment to return to, she had upgraded to a townhouse with four bedrooms right after Noah was adopted. She had cried all the tears her eyes would let her at the moment. She hated herself for crying over him, no she hated him for making her cry. Nobody ever got to see her cry, especially not over Elliot fucking Stabler.
She closed the front door quietly so she would not wake the kids. The flickering light of the television came from the living room, Calvin must still be awake. Olivia didn't want to face her son, she knew if she saw him Calvin would immediately sense something was wrong. It was times like these that she wished she hadn't taught her children to be so observant.
The only problem was, to get to her bedroom she had to go through the living room.
Maybe, if she was really quiet and snuck behind the couch he wouldn't see her. Why was she acting like a child who had something to hide? That was because she did.
"Mom?" Calvin's voice pulled her from her thoughts and he emerged from the shadows.
"Hi" Olivia said trying to sound like she had not spent the last hour with tears running down her face "Did they behave for you?"
"Noah thought he could get away with not eating his vegetables but I made sure that didn't happen."
It amazed her how grown up he was now. It seemed like just yesterday she had met him for the first time and he was that confused little boy. But he was a man now, taking classes at Hudson, he wanted to become a lawyer and she could not have been more proud.
"Did you bribe him with video games again?"
"No Mom. I learned my lesson about that the last time."
Olivia gave him a small smile. Calvin had a history of bribing Noah with all sorts of things when he babysat, from candy to baseball games. Olivia thought it was cute at first but then she had to remind her son that he needed to set a good example for his little brother. The bribing stopped and Calvin now explained to Noah why he needed to eat the broccoli on his place and go to bed early. Her boys often did many things together despite their age gap. This gave Olivia time to spend with Lexi who didn't have much in common with her brothers.
Alexandra was her own person. She loved unicorns, ballet and the color pink. Everything in her closet was full of sparkles and ruffles, she had even asked for makeup the last time Olivia took her to the store. "Maybe for your Birthday" Olivia had laughed.
Calvin had often told Olivia that she spoiled the little girl too much, and they both knew why. She had inherited her fathers temper and her mother's passion which was a recipe for distaste at times. But despite all that, Lexi was sweet and kept to herself a lot of the time.
In the dim flickering television light Calvin could see something was not right.
"Are you okay? You were gone an awfully long time just dropping cookies."
Olivia felt her heart begin to race and that uneasy feeling in her stomach she had spent the last hour trying to get rid of return. "Yeah I'm good. Just tired." She lied. "What about Lexi? Did she behave?"
"Yeah. She has an entire notebook of ideas for her 10th Birthday party did you know that?"
"I did. Hey listen I need to get to bed and you should probably head back to the dorms." She was trying to get him out of her house before he could ask her anymore questions. Olivia began to slowly make her way across the living room, her bedroom door was so close but so far away.
"Mom, did something happen at Uncle Fin's?"
His question shocked her. He knew that's where she was going but how did he know the incident in question happened at Fin's.
"No. Why?"
""Just because it's dark in here doesn't mean I can't tell how hoarse your voice is and how puffy your eyes are. You were crying."
"No I wasn't. Nothing happened I swear."
"Mom."
"Calvin."
"Then you won't mind if I call Fin and ask him if everything is okay between the two of you?"
Damn him. Why did she have to raise such intelligent children? She didn't want to talk about it just yet, she wasn't ready, but Calvin wasn't giving her much of a choice.
"Sit down." She said in her Captain tone, the one she only used at home when one of the kids were in real trouble.
Calvin took a seat on the couch and waited for his mother to sit next to him. Olivia flipped on a lamp in the corner of the room and sat opposite her son on the couch.
"I did go to Fin's tonight . . . and when I got there . . ." This was even harder to say than she had imagined.
"What? What happened?" Calvin tried to hide the panic in his voice.
""It was like a dream. He was just sitting there staring at me."
"Who Mom?"
"Elliot." His name fell so effortlessly from her lips that it scared her.
Calvin's blood ran cold. Elliot Stabler had been a man he once had looked up to. He admired everything about him, his pride, his strength, the way he was with Olivia. Elliot had treated his mother like a woman should be treated, until he didn't. Calvin had spent the last decade trying to forget the man existed. It was a good thing Alexandra looked just like their mother.
After Elliot had disappeared on both of them Calvin made a promise to himself that he would protect Olivia no matter what. It was time to really fulfill that promise.
"What was he doing there?" He finally asked.
"I don't know. I didn't have time to find out."
"Does he know about-"
"I hope to God not. I'm just gonna hope he goes back to wherever he was and forgets he ever saw me."
"If he's anything like the old Stabler you know he won't do that."
"The old Stabler died with that girl in the squad room."
"Just like the old Benson when he left you."
"That's enough." Olivia said, standing up and running a hand through her hair.
Calvin's words had cut deep. Not because they hurt her but because they were true. She was cold and heartless for most of her pregnancy with Alexandra. He had heard her cry at night but he never let her know that. It was a long nine months of pain and suffering for the both of them until the baby was born.
"Mom-"
"No" she said, raising a hand, "I need you to go, please."
"Mama"
Olivia nearly jumped at the sound of her daughter's voice at the bottom of the stairs. Alexandra stood there in her unicorn pajamas with her brown hair a tangled mess.
"Lexi, what are you doing up?" Calvin asked, standing from the couch and walking over to his sister.
"Is Mama okay?" Lexi ignored her brother's question and kept her eyes on Olivia.
"Yeah honey I'm fine" Olivia replied forcing a smile.
"I . . . I had a bad dream." The little girl said and rushed across the room to her mother.
Olivia bent down and hugged her daughter in her arms. She prayed Lexi would not ask her why she was holding her so tight.
"Me too . . ." Olivia whispered to herself.
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That same night Elliot was still at Fin's place. After Olivia had rushed out he fought with himself to go after her. Fin told him not to, now wasn't the time. He needed to explain himself, to tell her everything about why he left the way he did.
"If now isn't the time then when is?" Elliot asked Fin.
"When Liv says it is."
"I'll just go to her apartment tomorrow. I need to see her. I need to tell her I'm sorry."
"Stabler, you left that woman for a decade and you think a simple 'I'm sorry' is going to make up for it?"
"No. If I have to get down on my knees and apologize until my throat is raw, I will. I will do anything to take her pain away."
He meant it. The way he left was wrong and he hated himself for it. But he couldn't have stayed. After Jenna, he became withdrawn and isolated himself. That night in the squad room played over and over in his head. He wasn't sleeping, he wasn't eating, nothing was helping. He even quit answering calls and texts from his kids,
Kathleen had been the one to finally reach him. She had gone to his apartment after three weeks of radio silence. She told her father that he needed to get help. Elliot knew she was right but given his feelings towards therapists he didn't know if he could do it. But he did.
"Seriously man, where have you even been?" Fin asked.
"Florida" Elliot replied "I moved there after I resigned. Kathleen helped me find a good therapist and, I swear this is the only time you'll ever here me say this, but it helped."
"Elliot Stabler living in the sunshine state and going to therapy . . .damn I must be dreaming." Fin chuckled.
"I did it for her, for Liv. I knew that back then I couldn't be what she needed."
"You didn't even tell her goodbye."
"I know and that has haunted me every fucking day since. But you don't know what it's like looking into her eyes. To see her beautiful face, I couldn't bear to see the heartbreak in her eyes if I told her."
"That's on you."
"I know. I wanna make it right, Fin."
"Ten years is a long time."
"I got caught up down there. I'm working for the Miami PD and I wanted to be sure I was ready to see her."
"Couldn't take the job out of you could they?"
"No I just needed to fix myself."
"Listen, I'm proud of you I am. But if you thought going to therapy was hard, talking to Liv is going yo be much harder."
"I know and I'm ready to face what I've done."
Elliot's eyes flickered to the bag of Girl Scout cookies on the coffee table where Olivia had dropped them.
"What's with the cookies anyway?"
"I'm gonna let you ask her about that when you see her. Just so you know she's not in her apartment anymore and if you hurt her again, I've got your number Stabler."