Our quiet moment of acknowledgment was peaceful, and it felt damn good. It was the closest thing she had felt to a genuine connection since she found out about the affair a few days ago. I felt a little embarrassed by myself, and my passiveness. I never had any trouble with confrontation in the past, and I was stubborn with my beliefs. I wouldn't be treated as a naïve trophy wife oblivious to my husband's adultery, or worse knowing about it and ignoring it out of fear of loneliness. But I don't know what else I have to say to Maxon, or even what I want to hear from him. I sit here and realize that I still want him.
I think back to the selection, all my time spent with Aspen both publicly and privately, and how little Maxon still knows about today. How after I woke up in bed with my love who was going to propose to me, I was caught by him only a few hours later in Aspen's arms. I purse my lips and cringe. She didn't even really do anything wrong at that moment… she was just doing what should have been done a while ago. She was announcing her loyalty to Maxon, but done too intimately; the act itself an act of betrayal. Her guilt and shame still consumed her for that moment. For now, she would be so close with each of them without the other knowing.
I was shocked by how much this was bothering me right now. It felt so long ago, and it really wasn't that big of a betrayal. I was also shocked at how much worse what Maxon did was, and he didn't seem to have half the amount of guilt that I still have about Aspen. I hated this feeling. I felt empty and dripping in shame at the same time. Shutting myself away from Maxon is painful enough, but dealing with this alone is too much. I want Maxon. I'm done trying to rationalize every little thing he did. I think of everything he has done for me- kept me here to support my family, took beatings for me, picked me out of 35 girls- and I get a reminder of Maxon's love for me… the things that make me love him. Was this what being a wife is? Forgiving someone you love when it breaks your heart because not forgiving them breaks your heart more.
And really, what else could I do? I'm married and pregnant, and I've been the queen of this country for almost two years at this point. I was now much less disposable than I had been during Maxon's selection. Had it only been days ago that I found out the truth, unsure of the fate of my marriage? When Kriss talked about divorced a died a little inside. I knew at that moment if I could choose I would rather Maxon stay with me than ever marry Kriss, no matter the circumstances. Even if Maxon and I separated for a while, I absolutely wouldn't allow them to keep seeing each other.
I regretted going to this in my head, unnecessarily torturing myself. But what else could I do to process this? Silvia never taught us about this, and it was never discussed with Amberly or anyone for that matter. I don't understand it, and I try to blame it on myself and search for the answer. I let out a heavy sigh and licked my lips.
"I wish you could understand how vulnerable I am right now Max," I said, finally looking up at him under my eyelashes. Unintentionally, my inquisitive eyes made it look like I was pleasing. Maxon took hold of both of my hands again and moved back next to me on the seat.
"You know I already forgot you weren't born into this life like I was' ', he started casually, "And whether you believe it or not you do it tremendously. I've always been so proud of your leadership and your heart. I know it's a lot to ask for you for me, but I could not have been blessed with a better queen, wife, partner, everything in America. That's precisely it America, you are my everything".
"That was nice, Maxon. Really, I appreciate it. I know how much you care about your country and I respect you for it. It makes me proud to be your subject. But I'm not talking about that. I know you love me like a Queen, but I want you to love me like a wife. The hardest part of being queen isn't any civil duty but being in the spotlight." I said, pausing to take a deep breath. "I always knew who I was, and who I was not. And I can work my hardest to be the best Queen to you, but I will never have the same appeal as Celeste or Kriss and you know it. And just… it makes me wonder if I looked like them you would have been satisfied with me." Phew. I said what I've been thinking since I got here. Before I got gaslighted again, I quickly added, "and Maxon, I'm god damn pregnant and it feels like I still haven't cherished it with you. We never celebrated it or talked about it or anything. And I feel like if you really loved me, you would treat your pregnant wife differently." There. Finally, everything I need to say. I lean back in the chair and put my hands over my eyes, exhausted from my recent. I was so anxious about what he would say, I felt numb. Like, no matter what his response could be, it wouldn't matter.
"Ames, I don't know what to say to that. Is that what you really think? Is that how you think I see you and this baby? Is this how you think I've looked at you through our marriage?" Maxon rambled, instead of addressing anything I said. I stayed quiet to let him know I didn't have anything to say to that.
"America, I promise you none of that's how I feel. I know I've been neglecting you lately and in the midst of our… fight… I've yet to have the time or access to appreciate our baby. Right now I haven't given you enough reasons to have your trust, and you are unsure about 'us', but I have every intention to raise this baby with you. The right way. We'll need to get some help- nannies, nurses, tutors of course- but I want to be involved and do it all with you and our baby. Not just because it's my heir either, Ames I want to fill these halls with red-headed babies. I'm not like my father. I value my title as a father far more than my title as King". He lamented. I softened a little at this, but it still didn't feel like that in any way implied care for me, beyond for my incubation of the children he wants.
"And I didn't do the best job explaining the Celeste thing in the safe room. I meant everything I said, but I guess I didn't convey why I was with Celeste. I hate speaking of her like this after what happened but she was easy. She wasn't some pent-up ball of lust I finally released. If I wanted something passionate and satisfying like that, I would have gone to you if we weren't fighting. I don't know, I probably should have gone to your room anyways. The same with Kriss. Yes she's attractive and not everything we do is meaningless, I only ever looked at her because you kept denying me. Before I could even see your face or know your name I knew I had fallen in love with you and that you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in America. With everyone else, I had to convince myself of it, but with you, I have to hold myself back from you. Of course, you know how much I bothered you after you said you weren't interested. From the bottom of my heart, I apologize for failing as a husband. I've failed at a lot of things, but I've really failed at showing you how desirable you are. How you and you alone strike a chord in me that no one else can. In every way, you are the most beautiful and sexy woman I've seen".
I didn't say anything after that for a while. Neither did he, the silence was understood to be reflection. That was a lot he just threw at me, after months of him not being honest with his feelings. Or at the very least clear. Maxon had the magical ability to know exactly what to say to make me feel special. Even now, some of his compliments to me make me blush, but the good feeling only lasts until I remember he could be saying the same thing to another woman. I look down at my stomach, at my baby. Our baby. I do believe he loves this baby, and I smirk a little bit thinking about Maxon holding our baby. Would it all be worth it then?