It was about 8 o'clock on a cold, rainy morning that Harry Potter realized that he was, in fact, gay. This was a result of his waking up with his head resting on Ron Weasley's neck. He had just stifled a blood curdling scream when he felt something moving at the end of the bed.

"Ron, wake up!" whispered Harry urgently, slapping him across the face. He drew up his toes, worried that the movement might be Voldemort, and that dear old Volders might, for some unexplainable reason, try to kill him.

The movement slithered up in between the now shaking Harry and a confused, bleary eyed Ron.

"Hi Harry." Hermione purred.

"Hi?" Harry squeaked.

Ron's face popped up from behind her. "Um?" was his intelligent greeting.

"Does anyone know what's going on here?" demanded Harry, sounding very much like 'The Boy Who Lived' and meaning to.

"For God's sake, was I really that bad?" Hermione exclaimed, pouting.

"Not for me." Grunted Seamus sleepily from under the bed.

At that unexpected greeting, Harry jumped from the bed and began to run downstairs.

However, he felt a slight breeze.

Glancing down, Harry found that he wasn't any clothes. And on discovery of this, the first years who had been sitting around in the common room all began to scream.

"Bugger!" screamed Harry, attempting to ignore the snorts of laughter coming from his bed. He pulled on some black jeans and a robe, ('Who needs a shirt when you're the Boy Who Lived?' thought Harry.) before heading downstairs. Hermione and Ron, of course, followed Harry down the stairs like sheep.

Hermione had donned a lavender baby doll dress, her hair fashioned into a beehive, and Ron had donned a pink boob tube with hot pink pants.

Harry cringed. How many times did he have to tell Ron that people with red hair could NOT wear pink? Honestly, the boy was never going to reach his dream of joining the Moulin Rouge if he couldn't learn to dress himself.

Still shaking his head at Ron's obvious lack of fashion sense, Harry ducked through the portrait hole and set off for breakfast in the main hall, trying not to pay attention to the horrified glares people were assigning him. As he walked through the corridors, it became obvious that everything he passed was covered in glitter. Pink glitter. Why, he never found out, because at that moment, a flying house elf dropped a blender on his head.

The main hall was filled with vociferous voices.

"Ron? Where's Harry?"

"Some new girl."

"Australia."

"Where's Harry?"

"GIVE ME MY TOAST BACK!"

Hermione's voice was now twisted with worry.

"RON!"

"What?" Ron asked innocently, turning away from stabbing a toast-thief to death with his pocket knife.

"Where in the hell is Harry?"

Ron shrugged carelessly, and turned back to his plate, this time attempting the impossible task of cutting his bacon and ignoring the toast-stealer, who was slowly bleeding to death all over Seamus.

Hermione was worried. But then she became distracted. "Who's that?" she asked to no one in particular.

A girl was entering the hall. She was quite short for her age, which appeared to be about 16, with fair blonde hair, brown eyes and a slightly tanned complexion. She was wearing the Slytherin house robes which shined as if they had been dipped into a vat of grease.

Hermione noted, like the rest of the room, that she was quite pretty. She also noted Draco currently resembled a retarded Chihuahua. As she watched him, Crabbe began to choke on a chicken bone he had shoved down his throat in a rush to get the last pumpkin juice. With a dumbfounded look, Goyle fled the scene.

The girl sat down at the table opposite Draco, and, pretending like she knew exactly what she was doing when in fact she wasn't even sure she was wearing the right house robes (they did say Hufflepuff didn't they?), began to pile pancakes onto her plate.

Draco gave Crabbe a death stare. "Die QUIETLY would you?" he snapped, stepping on his stomach and then over him. The chicken bone shot out of his mouth and hit Seamus in the head, who was heading to the toilet. He hit the ground hard, and was promptly run over by a stampede of second year Ravenclaws.

Apologising, Crabbe ran out of the room after Goyle with drool hanging out of his mouth.

With a trenchant look over his shoulder at the retreating Crabbe, Draco sat down next to the new girl. "So." He said with a smirk.

"So what?" asked the girl, using her fork to cram the entire pancake into her mouth.

"You're new here."

She raised an eyebrow. "Mo, mreary?" Maple syrup ran out of the corners of her mouth as she chewed with difficulty.

"Huh?"

She swallowed. "No, really?"

If Draco Thumbelina Malfoy could understand sarcasm, he didn't let on.

"Well, yes… I'm Draco Malfoy." He said, sticking out his hand with a smile.

"I'm Web-"A bell cut off her self-introduction. Giving him an intrigued look, she headed off to where she hoped was the Arithmancy classroom.

Web came across a large blender. As she stared, somebody underneath it groaned and the blender toppled off in a poof of pink glitter.

"Ow." Moaned the boy, rubbing a lump on his head gingerly. He turned to her. "Who the hell are you?"

"Web. Nice to meet you too." After a slight pause, in which she stared conceitedly at the pink glitter strewn through his hair, she asked, "Uh, you don't need any help do ya?"

"You couldn't take me to the hospital wing could you?" Harry was used to people he barely knew carrying him to safety while he was asleep, unconscious and very vulnerable. But he knew no one would ever do anything bad to him, because he was Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived, and everyone was his friend.

"Eh?"

At the very moment Harry was considering telling Web exactly what he thought of her hairstyle, Hermione came running along the corridor heading for Arithmancy which for some reason she was late for. Emitting a loud, surprised shriek of "HHAAAAAAAAAARRRRYYYYYYYYY!" which made her sound like a harpy, she swooped on Harry.

"Are you okay?" she demanded, still in a high pitched voice, and giving Web an astonishingly evil look.

"A blender just fell on my head Hermione. I'm just peachy." Harry said derisively.

Web cut through the ensuing awkward silence with, "Uh… so… what was your name again?"

"I'm Harry and this is Hermione." Harry answered eagerly.

"Oh. Um pause Hermione would you take pause Harry to the hospital wing? Coz I'm kind of new and don't know here anything such as the Arithmancy classroom is…"

"Sure!" Hermione chirped quickly, jumping up. "Come ON Harry." She jerked him up with a crack that sounded like she had just broken his collar bone and dragged him down the corridor, glaring at Web over her shoulder every now and again.