NEVER LEAVE TOWN ON YOUR BIRTHDAY

by Mary Pribble and Lady Aeolusia

Chapter I

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"OOOOOHHH!" stormed Aphrodite, stomping up and down in her temple in a perfect rage. Her billowing blonde curls bounced and whirled right along with the filmy, revealing pink gown she sort of wore. "How DARE he! She mocked a kingly voice while wiggling her fingers--"'If you try that ploy again of keeping provinces under my rule at war with each other just to have twice as many temples built in your honor, I'll personally see to it that they ALL are torn down!' How DARE he! I will have my way, I WILL! I always get what I want! I'll--I'll--"

She was incoherent, jibbering to herself about what mischief she would do to the miscreant. Suddenly, "Ah!" and she snapped her well-manicured fingers. Giggling, she disappeared in a spinning shower of pink rose petals.

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Head swathed in a towel, Princess Zara strolled down the hall of the Amazon castle, humming quietly to herself, smiling a mysterious smile. A nice, long bubble bath had been just the perfect start to what she hoped would be a fantastic birthday. She had had such a wonderful time last year and she was looking forward to a long dance with her escorts that evening.

"And a great day of fun." She chuckled to herself, thinking of what varieties of "fun" she could have with the escorts who she trusted were looking forward to her special day as much as she was. Her mind was lost in daydreams but not so far gone that she wasn't aware of something amiss. "Okay, what's this, I know I shut that door?" At the same time she muttered this to herself, she unwrapped the towel from her head and brunette waves of hair fell to brush her shoulders.

Through her open chamber door, she spotted a figure frantically pursuing something. Zara entered and saw a familiar face.

"Twanky, is that you?" she inquired, puzzled. "What in Tartarus are you doing in my chamber?" The little, older woman, the famed Widow Twanky, was in an unusually flustered state. She stopped her frantic pursuit of the unseen object, raised wide blue eyes to regard Zara with a degree of embarrassment, then, ever the proud, self-contained and dignified matron, lifted her hands to straighten her coiffed hair and her stylish dress. She was about to speak when Zara asked, "And what are you chasing?"

Then Zara saw it; her green eyes widened. "Oh my!"

At that moment a small creature leaped through the air, directly at Zara's face. Using her lightning-quick Amazon reflexes, Zara snatched it, and was about to throw it against the nearest wall in disgust, when Twanky screamed.

"By the gods, don't kill it! Girl, that's King Iphicles. He got oot of me 'andbag! Oh, it's 'orrible, just 'orrible, so it is. Not the creatur' but what happened to make it a creatur'."

Zara opened her palm gingerly. There, sitting in her hand was a tiny much-put-upon-looking frog. He croaked weakly, as if to say "Thanks for the favor of NOT killing me."

She regarded Twanky in dismay. "THIS is King Iphicles? No way. You've got to be kidding. What happened and how did you get him?" She peered again at the unhappy frog, trying to believe that the respected Widow had not suddenly lost her mind and this truly was the beloved King of Corinth.

"Well, y'see, I was going to visit the King to discuss plans for the dance troupe's performance this week at the castle of Corinth."

"Tonight, I believe is the date?" prompted Zara with a smile that was just short of a smirk.

"Mmm, indeed! I had just been shown into the chamber where we would visit, when what do you think? Aphrodite 'erself comes flashing in, and she was mad as a mischief, so she was. If looks could kill! She sashayed right up to the King saucy as you please--you should have seen the looks on the servants' faces!--stood nose to nose with him, going on about something to do with temples and wars...then she said she was going to teach him a lesson he wouldn't soon forget." Twanky's small hands were waving in excitement at what she had witnessed. "She zapped him, just like that...and next thing anyone knew, the King was--like this! Underneath of his crown, which was sittin' down on the floor. I picked him up and put him in me 'andbag to protect him from Aphrodite, but she soon disappeared. Not sure just wot I thought I could do for him, maybe go and see her brother Ares, who might be able to reverse the spell. Or maybe talk to that looverly 'Ercules about it. P'r'aps he could discuss the situation with Zeus." This was the first time Zara remembered ever seeing Twanky at an obvious loss. "I decided to nip in here at the Amazon castle to try and find him...'Ercules I mean." The worthy Widow couldn't help glancing hopefully around the room.

"Uh, he and Iolaus are out of town, at present."

"Tsk," the Widow shook her blonde curly head. "Shame, that. Would've been delightful to see Hunk and Jr. Hunk again, it's been a wee while."

Zara needed to draw the Widow's attention back to the problem at hand...in hand, to be precise. "Now then, I could try the usual option, which is this." And doing her best to avoid grimacing in revulsion, Zara lifted the frog to her lips and kissed it. It croaked a bit louder and looked somewhat happier, but it was still very much a frog, as green and slippery as before. "Okay, we'll try again." And the girl kissed the frog a second time. Nothing happened. After several kisses, the frog wore a decidedly pleased aspect, even for an amphibian. But the traditional approach was doing nothing to transform it back to King Iphicles.

"Maybe you're not trying hard enough," suggested Twanky. "Really 'give it a go.' I know it's tough, but after all…"

"Don't say it! Twanky," Zara snapped, "I'm not in the mood."

"Erhm," and the Widow's expression registered a slight 'I beg your pardon' affront. She vainly touched her coiffed blonde curls. "I was about to say I would try meself, but although I am a fine handsome woman for me age," and here she had to swallow her pride, "'tis best in these circumstances to be a nubile yoong female such as yerself."

Zara set her jaw. "Okay, this time, with my eyes closed for 'all the marbles.'" And she made a face in concentration. "Please, merciful gods, let this work, I think I'm getting a wart!"

As Zara was an Amazon, who always "keeps her word," no matter how revolting the task before her, she dutifully squeezed her eyes shut and kissed that unfortunate frog with as much gusto as possible. A voice echoed in her chamber. But it was NOT the voice she had expected to hear.

"You'll forgive me if I forgo the 'traditional Birthday Kiss,'" rumbled a deep voice from behind her. "Although you have picked something very interesting to 'practice on.'"

Zara winced in dismay, and shot Twanky a "couldn't you TELL me that Herk came back and was standing behind me?" look. "He's YOUR Big Brother, and your sister did this, so don't--"

With that, she whirled about to give the newcomer a further earful. Seeing that it wasn't Hercules but Kull, she gasped, mouth agape. "Oh, forgive me, Your Majesty, apparently none of my staff knows how to ANNOUNCE anyone anymore!"

Kull, dressed in regal purple, looking a little confused, solemnly regarded Zara. He held a bouquet of pink roses, as well as a box of her favorite candy. He remarked, "As the King of Valusia, I am well versed in royal protocol, but your staff seems to be, ehr, missing something. They all are running around, looking under tables and into vases, urns and pots. Good thing I'm friendly, or…" He trailed off, as at that moment a young female servant appeared to set the box of candy on the nearest table and place the roses into a glass vase. Then he asked brightly, even while casting a glance of distaste toward the frog, "Would you like me to dispose of that, or is it a new pet, a birthday present, perhaps? Although I personally would have gone for something warm and furry."

At this, the frog wiggled its back legs as if, were it back to its normal state as a human, it would have liked to deliver a kick to the speaker...not that such behavior was within royal character...but even a frog could have the wayward daydream.

Zara sighed. "No, but let me introduce you." She inclined her head towards Kull.

"Kull, King of Valusia," she then nodded towards her palm, "meet Iphicles, King of Corinth." She nodded again towards her friend Twanky, who was now clearly in a state of fluttery infatuation, blushing like a woman half her age, bosom heaving and trembling over her entire compact frame. "And Madam Twanky, Official King Rescuer."

The Widow composed herself adequately to enable her to drop a dramatic curtsey. "Your Majesty, 'tis an honor."

Kull observed what Zara held in her palm with approximately the same incredulous expression her own face had held earlier upon entering the chamber. "Heard of him, but I thought he was taller," he answered. "And less...green." Then he graciously offered his hand to Twanky. "Charmed, madam."

"Oh! But the pleasure is all mine, to be sure, Sire," and the Widow openly ogled the King, even walked slowly around him to appreciate the tall supremely handsome gentleman from every angle. "I'm certain you are an excellent dancer," she remarked.

"Uhm, Twanky," Zara spoke up, "er, would you kindly step out and inform the servants that the missing frog has been found?"

Despite being all atwitter over the the gorgeous King, Twanky was wise enough to instantly take Zara's hint, bobbed her head and bustled out of the room.

Zara smiled at her visitor. "I have to try to fix this, you know."

"So, I take it, this isn't his normal form?" Kull jested. The frog gave a large "croak" of indignation. "No sense of humor, either, I see. SO, how long has he been like this?"

Quickly Zara told the story, eliciting responses of, "Oh, you're jesting!" and "Oh, now that's a little harsh," and "O-HH, and THAT'S when I came in," interspersed with chuckles of laughter, and increasingly irritated "croaking" noises from the topic of conversation.

"So, how do I help in this dilemma?" inquired a still laughing Kull. "Oh, lighten up, will you, Iphicles," he told the protesting frog. "You would think this was funny, if it was happening to someone else. Besides, you got plenty of kisses out of the deal so far; so the morning hasn't been a total disaster."

"And, considering what YOU had to kiss, to save YOUR kingdom, I had it easy!" Zara laughed. "Oh, I can't believe I said that, but it feels good to laugh. I thought I'd cry when the kiss didn't 'do' anything. I'm not really sure what to do now."

"Well, I can do this!" Kull leaned over and planted a kiss on Zara. It was a long, passionate, soul-searing kiss. Zara felt her knees buckle, and almost dropped Iphicles.

"URemph," Twanky's voice interrupted, quietly.

"Knocking and ANNOUNCING...this whole next week, we can GOING TO PRACTICE knocking and announcing!" Zara growled into Kull's chest. "Yes, Twanky?"

"I'd not have interrupted, but it seems the longer we leave the King 'in his condition,' the more we risk a PERMANENT change," Twanky said irritably. "Your herbalist thinks she has a possible cure." She gestured to the older lady, who quickly curtseyed. "Liza, I believe she said her name was."

Zara smiled, "I was hoping someone knew something. Liza's great, she's cured many ailments around here. So, what do we do, and how long do we have before the change is permanent?"

Liza looked at Zara, her black earrings catching the sunlight. "There is an herb on Mt Eton; the herb is called 'Morning Heather.' It's a blue flower with gold leaves. If you make a weak tea with it and give him a bath, it should work. BUT, it withers at noon, and then it doesn't re-sprout until the next morn."

"So, if she doesn't make it there by noon?" Kull asked carefully, already anticipating the dreadful answer.

"At sunset, the curse is usually permanent. So, in that case, you won't be able to reverse it." Liza bit her lip, in an attitude of reluctance to act as the 'bearer of bad news.' "I'm sorry, ma'am, but you need to hurry."

Zara inquired about exact growing conditions and probable locations to find the herb, then looked up at Kull. "Got to go, King to save!"

"Oh, and Ma'am, King Iphicles is late for his usual 'monthly Grievance Day,'" Liza added. "Should we help 'stall' the petitioners?"

Zara winced. "I'd forgotten, I was supposed to be done with our day, BY noon," she explained to Kull, "and come by and 'rescue' him," she added with a small chuckle for the frog's benefit. "Birthday people CAN interrupt 'Grievance Day,' but now..."

"People state their problems, and the King resolves the dispute?" Kull surmised. "I can handle that, since I have the same thing in Valusia." He frowned. "Left the axe at home, though."

"What?" Zara exclaimed, her mouth forming a round "O."

"Your Majesty, really!" chided Twanky.

A loud "RIBBET" issued from the tiny amphibian.

Liza just hid her smile behind her hand.

"Hey, sometimes, you need to make a point!" Kull protested, with a wink. "I don't do it often; dulls the axe," and his tone was suddenly sheepish. "And dents the floor, too." He then smiled and brightened, "Okay, Mt Eton, then."

"No," Zara shook her head, "You're royalty, do 'grievances,' I'll get the herb."

"WE will get the 'herb,'" interrupted Twanky, saying the word with the "h" sounded, as it was pronounced in her native Britannia. "You're NOT going alone, yoong lass, too many ruffians about." She straightened her dress in determination and now assumed that familiar imperious manner, complete with hands clapped above her head. "Let's go, we burn daylight standing about!" She looked down with a sigh, "Oh, blimey, I wish I 'adn't worn these shoes, they are perfect for dancing but not made for hiking. But still. Let's push on! Our legs aren't painted on, you know," dramatically waving an arm in the style of an army general.

She made for the door, and favored the herbalist with a nod. "Liza, do be a dear and have lunch for us when we get back."

Zara started after her, but hesitated. "And, Liza, get the Royal Vermin Killer, please..."

"ROYAL vermin killer?" Kull interrupted, incredulously, "You HAVE one of those! You're an AMAZON, for gods' sake; can't you kill your own Vermin?"

Zara put her hands on her hips. "CASTLE RULES--I have to be 'fully staffed.' Anyway, we have a cricket in here; I saw it this morning before my bath, have him find it and kill it."

"Er, Your Highness," stammered Twanky, her cheeks reddening in embarrassment. "That won't be necessary. The king was feeling a little peckish, so to speak, and…" she trailed off. "Well, he fixed the problem, and almost choked too! The bloody bug was 'alf as big as him." More laughter. "Well, it WAS!"

"Okay," Zara said, "We get the 'erb; and Liza, can you take Kull to the King's castle for me, please?'

"Yes, Ma'am," she said meekly, "I'll just be getting my shawl, it's a little nippy out."

Liza left quickly, and shut the door. Zara looked at Kull sadly. "This isn't the birthday I had planned. Are you okay with this?"

He kissed her lightly. "It will be fine, you'll see." He gestured towards the waiting Twanky, who now wore a look of impatience. "Go and save the king, but be careful."

In the hall, "Liza" had changed into a grinning Discord. "Great. She saw a cricket and the King's a frog. PERFECT! Picking 'morning heather' on your birthday turns you into whatever insect you saw first. That bothersome King will eat her and I'll be rid of them both. HAHAHA!" She disappeared at the last HA.