I coughed violently and shook my head to get rid of the debris and dust that still clung to my hair after the building to our right had just come crashing down on us.
"What the hell was that Barton?!", one of my colleagues shouted over the noise and ducked low behind the turned over jeep.
"How the fuck should I know?!", I shouted back at the man with greying hair. And I really had no idea what was going on. Except for the fact that we were in the middle of the road and keeping our heads low behind turned over cars and buildings were crashing all around us.
"I didn't sign up for this…" I looked to my left at the trainee. He had barely reached the age of twenty and by the look on his face he was ready to bolt any minute.
"Hey, look at me, Walker! None of us signed up for this. But you have to keep your shit together. I will get you out of here but I need time and you to stay calm." I only turned my eyes back on the street in front of us when the kid hesitantly nodded that he would try.
"Are you okay?" I didn't even flinch when my partner slumped down next to me behind our cruiser. I always knew when it was him.
"As good as one can be with freaking aliens suddenly plopping out of the sky, Michael." A short laugh was confirmation enough for me that he was still in one piece.

"Honestly, I have no idea what's going on here. Can't even say how many of us got away from that building before it came down and how many have been shot by those things…" As if on cue two of those things jumped down in front of us and on pure instinct did I fire my gun, taking one down and hitting the other in the shoulder. It let out a high pitched screech that had me covering my ears instead of taking aim again. Just when it was ready to return the fire it got smacked down by a heavy shield coming from somewhere behind us. I didn't have to turn around to know who had come to our aid, the shield indication enough.
"Whose in charge?" I looked up at Captain Rogers and stood up as straight as possible with my back still hurting like hell.
"Since I don't see any of our captains around, that would be me. Deputy Chief Barton, at your service Captain." He gave me a short once over before taking in the few men and women that had made it out of the police station just minutes earlier.
"Get them out of here. You can't do much to help…"
"No! I am not abandoning the people who are still trapped here. With all due respect but I refuse to follow this order. And most of those left will give you the same answer. Captain.", I interrupted America's golden boy. Before he could come back with a reply something heavy hit the street right between my feet.
"Rachel!" Michael had sprung to his feet and shoved me and Captain America off to the side. In horror I saw something huge and partially made from some dark metal come crashing down to where we had been standing and where my partner now had no time to get away in time.
Without thinking my hands shot out towards the falling object. Metal was bending and parts flying off to the side as I ripped the thing apart, something I had never done before. When finally the dust from the impact settled I was aware of the heavy body shielding mine and the shield raised over our heads. I freed myself from the man that had protected me from the large fragments that still rained down on us.
"Michael? Michael, answer me!" Between all the settling dust and falling fragments, I could make out my partner's familiar shadow. I let out a relieved sigh only for the nervous laugh to die on my lips. He stared at me with wide brown eyes.
"I'm sorry, Rachel…"
"Michael? Nooo!" I caught his collapsing body before he hit the pavement. Blood was seeping through his lips, his eyes already fading. Only now did I see the metal shrapnel protruding from his chest. His lips parted in an attempt to say something, his eyes searching for mine in desperation.
"Don't say anything. Stay with me, help is on the way. I'm gonna get you out. I… Michael? Michael!"

"MICHAEL!" I shot up with his name loud on my lips, not realizing where I was for a few seconds.
"Hey, calm down! It's okay, I'm here kiddo." Strong arms wrapped around me and a familiar scent filled my nose. It took me another five seconds to understand that I had been dreaming and the tears started falling down my cheeks and soaked into his black shirt.
"Give us a moment. I'll join you when she calms down." I was barely aware of the short conversation, my mind still trying to shove the memories haunting me into the back of my mind.
"Breathe, Rachel. Just breathe. You're fine…" I concentrated on the voice in my ear until my breathing started to even out and the tears slowly dried on my cheeks.
"I'm okay, Clint. You can let me go now." I was slowly released from the tight hold and pushed back enough so I could look up into my brother's worried face.
"New York?", he asked and all I could do was nod in confirmation, my throat tightening again. A soft noise had me looking towards the door of my room and I gave the woman standing there a soft smile. I hadn't seen her in a while and judging by her attire this was not one of her usual visits to my brother's.
"Laura sent me up with your meds. She's making tea if you want to come down, sweety."
"Thanks, Nat.", my brother answered and took the pills and glass of water from her. "You don't have to come down, Rachel. There are a few people you haven't met. And I can totally understand if that is too much today.", he continued while facing me to make sure I swallowed the pills Natasha had brought.
"No, it's okay. Let me just change into something that doesn't look like I slept in it for a week." Clint nodded and got up from where he was sitting on my bed and walked towards the door.
"You really don't have to push yourself, you know?" I gave him a weak smile and motioned for him to get his ass through the door already.
"See you downstairs.", Natasha said before closing the door and shutting out the comotion downstairs.

The moment I was alone I allowed myself another moment of grief before I slowly got out of bed and dragged myself into my small bathroom. I splashed some water in my face and stared at my reflection with indifference. It was days like this that I didn't recognize myself anymore. There was no spark of life in my bright blue eyes anymore, my dark blonde hair clung to my head in matted strands and the bags under my eyes were indication enough that my sleep had been far from satisfactory. I let out a heavy sigh. At least Natasha had seen me in worse shape than this and about whoever my brother dragged in this time, I didn't really have the energy to care what they thought about my appearance. For my brother's sake I brushed through my hair and threw it into a loose braid and grabbed some clean sweatpants and a loose shirt that had long since lost all colour.
Slowly I made my way out of the small bathroom and opened my door. My room was the last one to the right when you came up the stairs, so I slowly crept through the long hallway. The closer I got to the staircase, I could make out several voices but only the ones from the kitchen were close enough to make out clearly, though they were still hushed.
"Why didn't you tell me she still has those nightmares? I could have…"
"She doesn't want to talk about it, Nat. I tried. I tried absolutely everything! It's been three years and…" I made myself known on the stairs. I couldn't listen to Clint talk about me to anybody. Not even Natasha, who was probably the person who knew most about me and my condition apart from my family.
"I don't want to talk because there is nothing more to talk about.", I hissed when I walked past the two and made my way over to the kitchen where I could hear some more voices. One of them was definitely Clint's wife Laura and then several male voices I couldn't place a face to. Except for one voice that seemed very familiar but I couldn't remember the person behind it.

"Auntie Rachel!" I put on a smile that never reached my eyes as my niece and nephew came running my way as soon as they realised I was awake. I crouched low and caught them both around the waist, pulling them up with me as I got back to my feet. It was those little moments that kept me going most days. The kids's cheerfulness often helped me forget.
"Hey. What have you two been up to?" I had to suppress a short laugh when both Cooper and Lila tried talking at the same time.
"Daddy's home!", Lila chirped in my left ear.
"Captain America is here!", Cooper tried to drown out his little sister. My smile froze on my face for a second. Captain America… I shook my head and forced myself to stay in the here and now. With a little dreaded feeling I made my way over to the open kitchen, taking in the people standing around. Of course I recognized each one of them, their faces had been over the news so many times that I had lost count. My eyes were immediately drawn to one in particular. Steve Rogers, America's golden boy, Captain America. Everyone referred to him with a different name but for me all he was was the reminder that three years ago was reality and not just a nightmare.
"Clint?" Rogers's eyes were fixed on me with surprise and confusion. Clearly he was aware that we had met before even when he couldn't quite decide why I must seem so familiar to him. I was aware that the other two men, being none other than Tony Stark and Dr. Bruce Banner, were now also looking at me with curiosity as to who I was.
I set the two kids back down when my brother came walking in behind me. I felt one of his hands on my right shoulder with a firm grip meant to keep me grounded. He knew what Rogers being here might trigger. So that's why he told me I didn't need to come down…
"This is my baby sister. Rachel. She's police and staying with us." I felt sick to my bones as Clint introduced me to the group.
"Was…", I mumbled. "I need air." I bolted for the front door and almost knocked Banner off his feet on my way out. I couldn't do it. I couldn't be under the same roof as Captain America right now. Not after everything. Not after New York.