Shepard

I was lost in thought as I wandered the common areas of the Normandy. Currently I was dressed in my battle gear, my preferred N7 set that was made with my biotics in mind, moving around as comfortably as I would in sweats and a tee. I wanted to be ready at a moments notice when the call to action came when they finally spotted the elusive foe we've been hunting for weeks. It didn't help we weren't sure who we were looking for. Only bread crumbs pulled us along in the search, but I was patient. Hell, after the face off we had with Sovereign, it nearly felt as relaxing as shore leave.

A few of the passerby saluted me warmly. I smiled back. I had tried many times to make my ship as informal as possible. It was my home, after all, filled with the friends that have become my family, and having them acknowledge the chain of command continuously was against that mental picture. I only let it go because I knew I would act the same way if there was an officer of higher rank than myself onboard, regardless of how I might feel of them. This was a military vessel, and there were rules. It wasn't anyone else fault I enjoyed pushing the regulations to their limits.

One of those examples was walking down the hall in the opposite direction, coming towards me. A warm smile spread across Kaidan's face as he noticed his commander. He was also geared up and battle ready, as was most of my ground crew, I knew, but I never tired of seeing him in his. While my suit was the N7 red and black, he favored the Alliance navy blue and white, which really set off his blue eyes and pale complexion.

"Commander," he said formally, but his eyes were openly exploring. I tilted my head in greeting, amused.

"Lt," I replied. I really doubted that everyone was blind to the relationship that had sprung up between us in the last few months, but we weren't public about it. We were barely physical about it either. Privacy, even with my small captain's quarters, was rare. And I preferred to take it slow; I was never very comfortable with opening myself with romance in mind, so I handled it with caution.

We passed each other without another word, and I let my thoughts continue to roam over the last few months. Kaidan has been with me since the start; he and a few others. My ground team. Human and aliens I trusted with my life, and with the lives of those I wanted to protect. The looming threat of the Reapers weighted heavily on my conscience, but I was forced to play the good little soldier while my reports were digested by the higher ups. As a Spectre, I could continue on my own, try to find additional evidence to back up what I, and my crew, knew was coming, to be more convincing, but I doubt I could offer anything better than the shrapnel left over from the single ship that had nearly destroyed the Citadel.

I sighed. I had nearly convinced myself to head down to the mess hall and distract myself with cooking something, something spicy to match the burn of impatience I was suddenly struggling with, when I was violently tossed to my left. I gasped in surprise as I braced herself against a wall as emergency lighting turned the dull gray light of the hall a striking red. I could feel the ship shutter as explosions vibrated through her hull, originating somewhere near the cockpit, I estimated.

Focused, I brought up my omni-tool to asset the damage report when another violent rocking nearly brought me down to my knees. Many of the metals tiles around me popped loose from their positions, and people were calling out in fear. Acting on instinct now, I ordered in a loud, carrying voice to abandon ship. I could hear the order being echoed even as another explosion, this one nearby, filled the limited space with sound, followed quickly by smoke. A fire had started.

I made my way to a console to bring up a report since I was unable to stay steady on my feet and thus unable to keep my arm still to use my omni-tool. It revealed several hull breaches. I started cursing as I fumbled with removing my helmet from it's secure place on my hip so I could shove it on my head. Air was likely going to be scarce soon. Pipes were bursting left and right, unable to hold together from the vibrations of the destruction happening throughout the ship, forcing more metal tiles to go flying and allowing power cable and other sensitive parts of Normandy to hang exposed. I was just finishing executing a beacon and emergency pods usage when I heard my name being shouted behind her.

"Shepard!"

It was Liara. Even slightly muffed by her helmet and wearing standard Alliance gear, she was unmistakable.

"Distress beacon is ready for launch," I reported as I secured my own helmet in place.

"Will the Alliance get here in time?" Liara asked as she stopped a few feet away, halted by another tremor, which propelled her forward. Reaching out my arms to steady my comrade, we struggled as a pair to retain our balance.

"The Alliance won't abandon us," I said as her commander to reassured her. "We just need to hold on. Get everyone onto the escape shuttle." Finding some fire extinguishers, I toss my asari friend one.

Liara immediately started to clear the hall with the spray, trying to buy us some space in the rapidly spreading fires. "Joker's still in the cockpit. He won't evacuate."

"Damnit,' I moaned while attempting to cut access to any gas lines in an attempt to slow the growing inferno.

"I'm not leaving either."

Cursing again, I spun on my heel to look at her. "I need you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles. I'll take care of Joker." I attempted to move past Liara in the direction of the cockpit, but lost my footing again as another quake shook the ship, sending me into an exposed support beam. This wasn't going to be fun.

"Laryna…"

Knowing her hesitation was only born out of concern, I looked back over my shoulder to the asari standing in the center of what was left of the hall. "Liara," I said firmly, going into commander mode. "Go. Now."

A long moment passed. "Aye, aye."

Stumbling along as best I could, I made my way as quickly to the front of the ship. The fires were worst here, and the double staircase leading to the CIC was completely blocked, and I had to waste precious seconds back tracking around fires to the other side, which was gratefully clear. When I got to the top and hit the door release, I was instantly met with the vacuum of space. I barely engaged the magnets in my boots in time to keep from drifting upwards.

The sight that greeted me sent a chill throughout my entire body. The galaxy map was in pieces, it's light gone. Chairs and a few corpses were drifting about, occasionally changing directions as they bumped into each other or from the force of the muted explosions still coming from the varies consoles and exposed guts of the Normandy. I looked out into the void, but all I could see was debris and the planet they were near; nothing of who had attacked them.

With careful steps, I made her way across the space, making sure I always had one foot firmly grounded before moving the other. I forced myself not to look at any of the faces that floated near by. Joker's life is what mattered now, not those who were already gone.

The cockpit had an energy barrier up, keeping the artificial gravity in place.

"Mayday, mayday, mayday," Joker was saying as she crossed the breach. "This is SSV Normandy. We've suffered heavy damage from an unknown enemy." His hands were flying across the multiple touch controls in front of him. "Come on, baby," he was muttering. "Hold together. Hold together!"

Dashing forward, I nearly fell across Joker's lap as my legs readjusted to the gravity. Breaking his bones would not help.

"Come on, Joker!" I yelled at him. "We have to get out of here!"

"No!" he countered. "I won't abandon the Normandy! I can still save her!"

I leaned over to block his view of the controls. "The Normandy's lost. Going down with the ship won't change that."

Despair crossed his visible features before all the energy seemed to drain from him as those words sank in. "Yeah...okay. Help me up." He started to lean forward so I could safely put a supporting arm around his shoulders, but he slumped back when a flashing red panel distracted him. "They're coming around for another attack!"

Slightly panicked, I straightened up and turned around in time to watch a brilliant yellow beam, at least twice my own thickness, further tear up the CIC. I stood frozen for a moment, knowing that the Normandy was not going to be able to hold together any longer now, and the resulting damage that would erupt from being sewn in two would be fatal if they stayed. I also knew that if the artificial gravity failed before I got Joker to the escape pod, I would not be able to do so without causing him a lot of pain. I leaped back to the chair and roughly grabbed his arm.

"Ah! Watch the arm!" He cursed, but hastily stood as I swung said arm around my shoulders to take on most of his weight so his legs wouldn't have to. The pod's doors opened automatically when we approached, and I eased Joker inside. He was just settling into his seat when I made the mistake of turning back to watch the beam complete it's death path across my home, and before I knew it I was forced away from the escape pod by an explosion. The shielding was down, and I barely managed to grab the wall that separated the emergency pod loading area from the cockpit. I considered seeing if I could launch myself back over, but the energy beam had changed direction while I was distracted, and now was between and a stricken looking Joker.

"Commander!" he called out to me, waiting for me to make my move. I knew he wouldn't leave without me. And I knew with certainty that if I attempted to close the distance, I would be ash. Knowing I would be spaced for doing so, I punched the panel to launch the escape pod just as another explosion forced me to lose my grip with my other hand.

"Laryna!" I head Joker scream as the doors closed him in. Keep him safe, I silently pleaded as I watch the pod race away.

The blast had flung me a distant distance from my ship, and I could see the two halves drifting further and further from each other, each new flash of inferno increasing the distance rapidly. I was also still moving outwards, and I knew if I went to far, any chance of a rescue would be unlikely. Finding something as small as a human in the vastness of space would be a challenge at best, and likely impossible.

Then I heard the faint sound of hissing echoing within my suit, and how I was slowly spinning in a circle, and quickly realized that my oxygen tube must have been sliced open. Within minutes I was having trouble breathing.

I was going to die. My thoughts seemed to speed up inside my mind, and I knew I should have been worried about not being able to stop the Reapers, but instead all I could think about were my friends. I knew I was going to hurt them, more than the pain blooming throughout my body now as I became more and more oxygen deprived. And I selfishly regretted. I was just starting to explore something more with Kaidan. Found a little sister in Tali. A best friend in Garrus… I just… I want…

Joker

I have no idea how long I drifted in my escape pod. It may have been just a few minutes, or hours, or hell, even days. I really have no idea, because I was numb the entire time. Shocked into complete stillness not because of my disease, but because the woman I had served under for the most meaningful journey any single person in the history of forever could ask for just gave up her own chance of survival to make sure my sorry ass got out. She was gone, I could feel it in my brittle bones. I killed her. I killed her.

Shit. Everyone was going to blame me. I blamed me, how could they not? Laryna was our distant star, our rock, our goddess. And she was lost to the cold of space, and there was nothing I could do about it.

When my escape pod finally was docked into an Alliance cruiser, and the doors opened to reveal a lot of desperate faced looking in, I couldn't move. I stayed in my corner, hidden in shadow, wishing I could disappear.

"Joker?" Liara asked. She had the most clear line of sight on me.

"Where is Laryna?" Kaidan demanded.

I couldn't speak as I kept my head lowered, staring intently at the ground, the words I killed her still dancing in my skull.

"Damn it, Joker," Garrus growled, though I couldn't see him. "Where is she?!"

The deep breath I took burned as it filled my lungs. Couldn't I get any fucking relief in having to say this aloud? "She's...gone. Spaced. Saving my worthless ass."

The silence was horrible.

Liara climbed inside the pod. She looked around, almost as if she didn't quite believe the commander really wasn't here, before kneeling down in front of me. One soft blue hand rested on my knee. Was she comforting me? No. No! I didn't deserve that. I brushed it away, sinking back further into my seat.

"Tell us what happened, Jeff. We need to know. We deserve to know."

Now my throat and eyes burned. "I wanted to save the Normandy. Trying to keep her together. She found me, and forced me into a pod. But we were attacked again, and she was sent flying before she could get inside, too. I waited, Liara, I swear I did! I did not close the door on her! She must have hit the override panel, and I was sent off safely while she went down with the ship…"

I could hear some sobs now from outside. Shit, shit shit. I nearly jumped out of my skin when Liara suddenly took my hands into hers. "It's not your fault, Joker. You can't blame yourself. I left her, too. She ordered me to help our crew. She was only following her own example. She loved you. All of us. And maybe it's not to late. The Alliance is still searching for any survivors. Laryna is as tough as they come. I'm sure they'll find her, no worse for wear."

Not once had I considered the possibility that she was still alive, and now I feel guilty about not having more faith in her. But Liara was right. The commander has come out of many impossible situations. Hell, she had most of the Citadel Tower fall on her and she just picked herself up and dusted herself off.

"Yeah," I finally allowed, my voice husky from emotion. "Maybe."

"Let's see if they have any additional shuttles," Garrus said as I finally allowed Liara to lead me out of the pod. "Perhaps we can join in the search."

That sounded good. Saving the commander. It was only when I actually looked the team in the eyes that I saw the truth. Especially in Kaidan's. There was no hope in them. Just the desire to have hope, but it wasn't strong enough to take root.

Shit.