The feeling in my body slowly returns and the haze occupying my mind clears out. I still feel like shit though. As if the strength's been completely drained from my body. It's one of those times where I don't want to move a single muscle. I just want to drift back to sleep, the pillow's rather comfortable.
But how long was I out? The last thing I remember was...
Mephisto's trap. Jeanne saving my life after inadvertently putting it in danger. The ambush by Jack the Ripper. And then... I need to check on her.
I will my body to move, my eyes snapping open-
"Jeanne?" I say.
Only for her to instantly greet my vision. She's looking down at me from above with a soft smile on her face once she sees that I'm awake.
"Are you alright?" Jeanne asks.
I release the breath I've been holding. She's still alive. That's all that matters right now.
I try to push myself up. "Yeah, I'm-"
It's no use. I'm too drained. My body's not working like I want it to. Just lifting myself up feels like a herculean task.
"I shall take that as a no," Jeanne says. "You need to rest."
She places her hand on my chest, pushing me to lie down again. I take this moment to look around. It's still dark outside, so only a few hours must have gone by. We're on a couch in the living room where I passed out and my head's resting on a-
Wait a moment. This is her lap.
"We need to talk," Jeanne says.
The way she just said that makes me feel like I'm about to get scolded for something.
Not sure what exactly I did wrong though.
"Not like I'm going anywhere," I say. "So, what's on your mind?"
I'm trying to play it cool, but this position I'm in makes me feel a bit embarrassed.
Isn't this something couples usually do?
"I do not recall what happened after Assassin's ambush, but when I came to, I found myself back here," Jeanne says. "You were on the ground next to me and... For a moment, I thought you died."
It amazes me how she instinctively prioritizes the well-being of others before her own. I'm grateful for that though.
"A part of my armor was missing and the curse underneath gone," Jeanne continues. "You did something back there, did you not?"
"Yes, I have a special technique that I use for emergencies like these," I say. "It just took more out of me than I thought."
A bit vague, but technically the truth.
"From our time together, I know that you are not a mage like the other Masters," Jeanne says. "So, how did you remove a curse on the level of a Noble Phantasm? Please, tell me exactly what you did."
Well, she's not wrong about me not being a first-class mage, but this is unexpected. I'm not sure how to respond to that. She never saw me use my time reversal, did she? I'm fairly certain that time acceleration is the only variant I used in her presence so far.
"Where is this coming from?" I ask. "It's almost like you know the answer already."
There is a brief pause. Her eyes narrow a little.
"Perhaps I do..." Jeanne says. "I must confess, though not my intention, that I have seen your memories in a dream last night."
It feels like a massive breach of privacy, but I know it's not something either of us can control. I'm guilty of seeing her memories too.
"How much did you see?" I ask.
"A lot," she says. "I have witnessed the path you have taken that led you here... and all the pain and suffering you endured along the way."
My past is something I never wanted to share with anyone, much less talk about. The memory is just too painful, but now that she knows, I guess there's no escaping that anymore, is there? She'll ask me question after question. Best to just get it over with.
"Alright, no more beating around the bush then," I say, taking a deep breath. "You're already aware of the time manipulation Magecraft I got through my crest. What I used on you was one of the many variations. Essentially, I turned back time in the area of your body back to before the curse got there."
If only I managed to make it work back then. Instead, I discovered a different use of that ability. It can be used to drain the remaining lifespan out of another to increase my own. Just like a Dead Apostle sucks its victim's blood to increase their number.
"I have seen you use that on yourself throughout the years to come back from otherwise fatal wounds," she says. "But I feel like there is something else you hid from me."
"Heh, nothing gets past you, does it?" I say. "You're right. Time manipulation on that level takes a toll on me. I'll spare you the technicalities, but bluntly put: my lifespan decreases the more I use it."
Jeanne gasps after I finish my sentence. "Why would you do that?"
"I mean, the alternative is death," I say. "It could be worse though. I still have another fifteen years in me, twenty if I'm lucky."
"That is not what I meant!" Jeanne says, her voice rising. "If you knew about this, then why did you continue onward? Why are you throwing your life away like this? How can you be so apathetic about it?"
If I weren't awake before, I sure am now. I've never seen her this agitated. Though that part about apathy towards my own life is a bit ironic coming from her.
"Because it's the only way I know," I say. "I lost the one person I considered family, I was betrayed by someone I thought to be my friend, and all I've done so far is hunt down and kill mages that had it coming. I can't just retire and live out a quiet life like a normal person anymore. I can't just pretend none of that happened and carry on."
"That is-" Jeanne says.
"Let me finish," I say. "After Ryoken-" I paused. "After I killed him, I didn't want to go on any longer. I wanted to just end it all, but I couldn't go through with it. I felt like I didn't deserve to take the easy way out, so I figured the only way to atone was to continue his work. I'd like to believe that it made the world a tiny bit better... And if I burned out in the process? That would have been the perfect punishment, a fitting end for someone like me."
"Life is full of hardships, but that does not make it a tale of suffering and despair," she says. "What happened to you in the past, what may yet come to pass... I beg of you, please do not give up on yourself. That is just too cruel of a fate for you."
Ah, I see it now. This isn't anger, but sadness. Not out of obligation or her duty as a Servant, she's genuinely concerned for me.
"I don't know if I have the strength for that," I mumble.
What's even left for me beyond this war? I honestly don't know what to do with myself. There are no friends or family I can truly rely on. Sure, I have money and connections, but neither of those bring happiness.
Jeanne slowly runs her hand through my hair. "You are afraid, am I wrong? You experienced loss and betrayal. You are afraid that if you stand back up, you will be struck down again."
As much as I want to deny it, I can't. Her words strike me to my core, yet at the same time, they have a soothing effect on me.
Left speechless, I simply give her a nod.
"It may well happen again, but..." Jeanne says. "One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief, that is a fate more terrible than dying."
Never have I felt so exposed in my whole life. She has seen what I've been through and knows my secrets. Information like that can be deadly in the wrong hands, but Jeanne is a different story. She hasn't let me down and I've come to trust her in our short time together. Maybe I'll take some of her advice to heart.
"Maybe you're right," I say. "I'm still not sure about it, but... I'll try."
Jeanne smiles. "That is all I ask."
Silence settles in. I gaze up at her face and her eyes. She really is beautiful now that I look at her more closely. I feel my heart beating slightly faster.
"You know, while we're on the topic of confessions, I have one to make as well," I say. "Last night, I've also seen your past in my dreams."
"Ah... I imagine that was not very pleasant to watch," Jeanne says, looking at anything else but me. "I apologize for making you see that."
"No need. It wasn't something you had control over," I say. "But I admittedly got riled up seeing the events myself."
"What do you mean?" Jeanne asks.
"Seeing all the mistreatment and humiliation you had to endure at the hands of others," I say. "I just... wanted you to be rewarded for everything you've done."
Even after her death, two of her brothers went around the country with a woman they claimed to be Jeanne so they could receive gifts and donations from admirers, believers, and patrons. I don't know if she knows, but I'll keep it to myself. She's had enough grief.
"I am grateful for how you feel," Jeanne says. "But I have no regrets. I was just a peasant girl who was guided by the Lord and received so much support from so many people along the way. That, by itself, is more than enough of a reward for me."
"I know you've accepted it," I say. "But unlike me, you're a true hero, a saint whose actions quite literally changed the course of history."
Years after the war came to an end, she was eventually exonerated and her charges nullified, but that doesn't bring the dead back. The damage was already done.
"Please do not call me that," Jeanne says. "I am not deserving of that title."
"I remember you saying that before, but why is that?" I ask.
"I am no better than those who followed me," Jeanne says. "If I had not burned at the stake, I would have continued to fight in the Lord's name and hurt others in the process. I forfeit the right to a peaceful death the moment I raised my banner and bloodied my hands."
That's... kind of morbid. Then again, I'm in no position to lecture her about that. We're more alike than I thought on some things.
"Well, for what it's worth," I say. "I'm glad that you're here with me."
"Thank you very much," Jeanne says with a tinge of red on her cheeks. "Ah, one more thing."
"Yeah?" I say.
"I want you to use your power from now on sparingly and only when necessary," Jeanne says. "To that end, I will also double my efforts to protect you. Whether we win this war or not, I want you to survive long after that."
Her never-ending kindness never ceases to amaze me. It's one of her most endearing qualities. Even though we have our differences, I feel like what we have is something more than a Master-Servant relationship.
"Alright, I'll be more careful from now on," I say. "I promise."
A smile appears on her face. It's a sight I'll never tire of.
Everything is as it should be.
The cavern underneath Mount Enzo where the Greater Grail resides is still just as he left it. Perhaps coming to check in on it was not necessary after all, but then again, this Holy Grail War has some peculiar participants. Better to be safe than sorry.
Zouken emerges from the entrance. The place where it all began. The place where it may all end.
He ponders on his next course of action as he walks through the woods. Assassin will not be able to win a direct confrontation with any of the other Servants and Katsuki isn't smart enough to play to his Servant's strengths to achieve anything noteworthy.
Considering the circumstances, it would be best to wait until the next war. He has waited for over five centuries, he can wait a little longer. Although...
"You can come out of hiding," Zouken says. "I did not survive this long by being a fool."
"No, I wouldn't expect you to." Nicolas steps forth from the shadow of a nearby tree.
"Coming all the way out here without your Servant in tow," Zouken says. "You are a bold one."
"I'm far from helpless," Nicolas says. "But I'm not interested in a fight. In fact, I'm here to propose a trade."
Zouken eyes Caster's Master for a short while. He can sense that, like him, he's a man of conviction. One who will stop at nothing to achieve his heart's desire. The only question is: what is this man's endgame?
"Heh, interesting," Zouken says. "But what do you have that I would need?"
"One wish upon the Holy Grail," Nicolas says. "Master and Servant receive one each. I can yield the latter one to you when the time comes."
That sounds too good to be true, but Zouken loses nothing by seeing where this will go.
"Against?" Zouken asks.
Nicolas points to the mountain behind the shriveled old man. "Access to that cavern. Call it a contingency plan of mine. One that is becoming an inevitability to win this war. Right now, I need to lay the groundwork for later and bide my time for the right moment."
Granting an outsider access to the place where the Greater Grail resides is a tall order. No one other than him, Justeaze, and Nagato has set foot into the innermost chamber for hundreds of years. It's the place where Zouken has lost what humanity was left in him with Justeaze's sacrifice.
"You plan to cheat the system just as the Einzberns did in the last war," Zouken says. "I hope you have taken precautions to avoid the same fate as them."
"I wouldn't be here otherwise," Nicolas says. "But instead of an Avenger, I will summon something into the container of the Ruler class. That's all the information I'm willing to give up for the moment, you understand."
Zouken weighs his options. He's certain that Hawthorne will betray him eventually.
"You have a deal," Zouken says. "But I will be watching you every step of the way in there, you understand."
The best way to deal with the situation is to extend one helping hand while holding a knife in the other behind his back. Patience is the name of the game. As it has been for the last five hundred years.