"I didn't know." I ignored the voice and kept staring out onto the lake and the trees on the other shore.
"Three years ago, in New York. I…"
"Don't. And for all it's worth, nobody knew. Except for Natasha.", I cut Rogers off before he could do even more damage. I was barely able to stay calm, to not break and shatter into the billion pieces I had partially put back together over the last three years.
"You hate me." I closed my eyes and let my head hang low.
"No. I don't hate you, Rogers. I hate what you bring back. I hate that I remember every second of that day. But I don't hate you." I turned to face him. "I just don't know how to look at you and not think about what happened that day." I didn't give him time to respond or to wrap his head around what I just said. All I knew was that I couldn't have him around me. Not today, not tomorrow. Walking back towards the two storey house I saw that Stark had found the stack of firewood and decided to be useful and cut up some more logs.
"Funny. You have the same don't-talk-to-me-face as your brother." I scoffed at Stark's comment. I had almost made it into the house.
"Funny. The axe seems to be broken." Tony was about to deny that the tool in his hands wasn't in perfect condition when it suddenly just crumbled.
"Rachel!" I looked to the front porch and rolled my eyes at Clint's concerned look. My eyes flitted back to the handle still in Tony's hand and piece by piece the axeblade was pieced back together. I knew that hadn't been necessary. But I was on edge and I didn't have the patience to deal with anybody's stupid comments today.
"Did your sister just…?"
"Leave it alone, Tony.", I heard Clint before I closed the front door a little too forcefully behind me. I walked back towards the kitchen where I could hear my sister in law and the kids.
"No way you are the Hulk! You are too small and not green." I couldn't help the small smile creep onto my face at my nephew's antics. He was standing in front of Banner and gave him a scrutinizing look.
"Auntie Nat, tell him he is not Hulk.", my niece chimed in which made the redhead laugh and shake her head.
"He really is Hulk. Just not all the time. Like daddy isn't always fighting the bad guys.", she tried to explain to the kids. I watched them silently while leaning against the wall next to the stairs. The kids really loved Natasha. And why wouldn't they? They had known her all their life since she was my brother's best friend. Actually one of the few he had and the even fewer he trusted enough to be around his family. Why he lets me stay here I still can't understand.
Sure we were family but with how unstable I still was up to this day I couldn't wrap my head around why Clint let me stay with him even after the appropriate time of mourning had passed and he could as well have sent me back to my place.

"Where's your head at, kid?" Clint had come up behind me and loosely threw his arms around my torso while resting his head on mine. It was something he always did since we were kids when he sensed that I was becoming unstable. While I couldn't tolerate most physical contact anymore this still brought me some comfort. Maybe because this was my older brother who had always kept me safe and sane.
"I still don't get it. Why you haven't kicked me out. Why you told me to pack up my shit and move in with you guys.", I whispered, not wanting to disturb the peaceful banter in the kitchen.
"Shut up, silly. You are my baby sister. You know I will always take care of you. Especially when you can't do it yourself." I jabbed my elbow back into his ribs and he let out a low grunt but still held on to me.
"I'm not safe to be around Laura and the kids. What if I lose control like with Mich… like three years ago? I saw your face when I shut Stark up with the axe. You can't tell me you don't worry about me losing my shit…" My voice turned bitter. I knew how much of a risk Clint had taken by letting me stay. Not only was I mentally unstable but I also barely had any control over my abilities when my mind was in dark places like today.
"Stop it Rachel. We're not having this conversation again. You won't hurt them because you love them. I wouldn't have brought you here if I didn't trust you to be in control.", he replied and pressed an affectionate kiss against the back of my head before letting me go.
"Okay you little demons! Leave auntie Nat alone, she had a rough day at work and needs to take a shower." Clint walked into the kitchen and scooped Cooper and Lila up into his arms, leaving me standing in the hallway. With a sigh I pushed off the wall and followed him to get some tea in order to calm my nerves. I loved HIM and lost control… I knew it was no use to argue with my brother and maybe deep down I hoped that he was right about this.

"You can use my bathroom. Still have a set of your emergency clothes on the bottom shelf under the sink." Natasha smiled at me and left for the stairs after Clint and the kids retreated to the living room.
"Want some tea?", I asked Banner while filling my own cup. He nodded and happily took the steaming cup from me.
"So, uhm, you're Clint's sister?", he asked and I just hummed to that.
"How is it that nobody knows that he has a sister? I mean if you are a cop you're not invisible to what used to be S.H.I.E.L.D." I looked out of the window and watched Stark and Rogers work on the pile of firewood.
"My brother had an agreement with director Fury, to keep Laura, the kids and me off the records. He didn't want to put us in harm's way if anything ever went sideways. You can't imagine the fight I put up when he told me about that. I mean, as you said, I was a cop. Sooner or later harm had to find me. It took me years to understand that he didn't want anybody to find out what I could do. To give me the chance at a normal life…" I trailed off and my voice was laced with regret.
"What can you do?" Banner gave me a confused look and I realised I made the second mistake today, the first being that I messed with Stark and unintentionally revealed my powers to him.
"Never mind. I'm not to be taken seriously today…" Sensing that I didn't want to go into more detail than I already had Banner excused himself to the bathroom as well. I kept looking out of the window to the front yard, ignoring everything around me and tried not to think. Curious, I watched Laura leave the house and talk to Stark who then left for the barn. The only explanation I had for that was that he maybe took a look at the old tractor that Clint and I hadn't been able to fix.
"Thought your therapist told you to put some of the old photos back up." I turned around to face Natasha and crossed my arms in front of my chest.
"You know it's not polite to snoop around someone's room after being offered their shower, Romanoff." She gave me a sheepish smile and shrugged her shoulders.
"Old habits die hard. But seriously, Cooper told you that it might be good to pull some good memories from that crate under your bed."
"And that's why I left everything as it was. My room empty and the pictures in the crate. There are no happy memories attached to them, only pain and guilt." Nat's face softened a bit as she took a hold of my right hand despite me trying to pull away on instinct.
"Tell me you at least keep practicing to get more control over the other stuff." She squeezed my hand before letting go and I looked at it as if it didn't belong to me.
"I try to. It's not that easy when I am afraid to use it even for small things. My concentration falters for one second and I lose control. Either something happens or it just disappears. I am so afraid of losing control around the kids. I know Clint is convinced that I would never harm his family but what if I do? I'd lose my brother. Everything I have left."
"Honey, don't take this the wrong way. I trust you like no other woman and I have known you almost as long as I have known Clint. But you have to move on. You can't keep feeling guilty about something you had no control over and that would have happened anyways, even if you didn't act, for the rest of your life. Do you think this is what Michael would have wanted for you? You think this is what he gave his life for?" I shook my head and felt hot tears burn in the corner of my eyes.
"I love you like a sister, Natasha. But don't you dare tell me what he would have wanted. He is DEAD! And that is on me. Because I have no control over those abilities I never asked for in the first place! I killed HIM! I destroyed everything I had!" I didn't even realise I was yelling at the redhead until someone grabbed my left arm. My eyes snapped up at Rogers and with a loud thud and a lot of clattering several metal objects and some that contained metal crashed back onto the floor.
"Don't touch me.", I breathed and bolted for the stairs and my room to lock myself in. For their safety.

"I love you like a sister, Natasha. But don't you dare tell me what he would have wanted. He is DEAD! And that is on me. Because I have no control over those abilities I never asked for in the first place! I killed HIM! I destroyed everything I had!" The former spy could do nothing but watch her best friend's sister crumble right before her eyes. Tears were streaming down her face which showed the pain her mind was in. She could do nothing to stop her from breaking and she knew she had taken it just a tiny step too far by telling Rachel to move on today of all days.
Rogers had been alerted by the yelling inside the house and had run inside to make sure everything was alright. Natasha and Rachel had been standing in the kitchen, Nat completely motionless and Clint's sister obviously having some kind of mental breakdown. Tears were streaming down her face, her eyes clouded over with pain and guilt. Without noticing herself some form of energy started prickling around her fingertips and one by one objects around her began lifting off the ground. He had seen this happening before. Three years ago in New York when Loki had unleashed the Chitauri into their world.
"What are you doing?" With a few large steps Steve was next to the women and grabbed Rachel's arm. Obviously that snapped her out of whatever she was going through. The moment her blue eyes met his, all objects she had unintentionally lifted clattered back to their place.
"Don't touch me.", she whispered and pulled away from him to flee from the room.
"Don't. If you go after her right now you will only make it worse." Natasha had grabbed his hand before he could follow the young woman up the stairs.
"What happened?", Rogers asked the former spy.
"I crossed a line. Remember today three years ago?", the redhead asked with a guiltstriken face, something quite unusual for the woman who seldomly showed any signs of remorse.
"Yeah. We were fighting the Chitauri in New York. I remember Rachel, I just didn't know she was Clint's sister back then. One of their ships came crashing down on us and someone from her squad pushed us out of the way. She tore that thing apart just like she lifted all the stuff just now. Her colleague got pierced by one of the fragments. I lost sight of her afterwards and honestly didn't think about it with all that has been happening afterwards. Not until today. I remembered her the second she stepped into the room." Natasha nodded and let out a heavy sigh.
"I maybe shouldn't tell you this. But the guy that pushed the two of you out of the way wasn't just a colleague of hers. Michael was her fiance and they were supposed to get married a month later."