A/N: Always a pleasure to hear from you, Nastja. You've been a consistent cheerleader for this story, and I appreciate you. Since you don't have an account, I can't message you a response. If you'd like to have a conversation about this story, though, you're always welcome to hit me up on tumblr, if you're there. That goes for anyone reading this here.
You see it your way. And I see it mine. But we both see it slippin' away.
Eagles, "Best of My Love"
14
"That's a really tall mountain," Natsu commented, hands on hips.
Gray looked at him. "You scared?"
He hadn't meant to say it. Not really. It just came out reflexively and Natsu rounded on him immediately.
"Scared? Scared of what? Scared of whom? Scared of a piece of rock and snow?" He scoffed. "I'll climb it right now, I don't care."
And he did just that. With his bare hands and no safety equipment at all, Natsu began his ascent up the sheer vertical wall of rock. Gray watched him go, taking a bite out of his morning protein bar. There were very few things as satisfying as winding Natsu up and letting him loose. Especially if they ended in epic fails. Or falls, in this case. Either worked.
"Gray, why is Natsu climbing the mountain?" Erza asked from behind him, and he turned around to face her.
"I dunno. Since when did anything he do ever make sense?"
Disregarding his logic, Erza stormed past him and went up to the mountain herself. "Natsu! Natsu, get down here right now!"
"You can't tell me what to do!" Natsu called back, a bit too loudly, and Gray frowned.
"Avalanches," he reminded Erza. "But I say let him go. We can learn from his mistakes." He looked up at Natsu's rapid progress. "You go, you... spider monkey, you."
After a night of rest, the team had left at daybreak for the mountains across the frozen lake. It wasn't a huge journey – nothing when compared to the south pole – and set up a base camp. Luca had been in charge of its construction, with Lucy and Wendy to give him instructions and specifications. While all that was happening, Gray and Natsu had wandered away to gaze up at the mountains. Now, Gray was left looking at Erza trying to bat Natsu off the rock face with an oversized halberd. It reminded him of how people went after house lizards during cleaning.
Ahh, yes. This feels normal.
"Let him do it," he repeated to Erza, half meaning it. "If he falls, we'll know what route to avoid. Let him do one useful thing in his life."
"Just 'cause I'm up a mountain doesn't mean I can't fireball you."
"Shut up and concentrate on handholds."
Despite his calm demeanour, watching Natsu climb filled him with a dizzying cocktail of dread and anxiety.
These mountains were untouched by and unused to human hands. The only contact they had had was the wind and snow for thousands of years. Winds that had eroded the rock, polished it smooth almost. Flat. Free of any imperfections. In a sense, it was beautiful. But climbing it was a nightmare.
It was difficult to climb anything that was totally flat. Thankfully, the winds hadn't eroded all the handholds. Just most of them. Natsu had to be holding on to something, after all.
The main problem would be the winds themselves, however.
Natsu, being only ten feet off the ground, didn't feel them. Luckily, there weren't any around. But any climbing attempt would immediately come to a close as soon as the katabatics showed up.
Like their name suggested, these winds fell. From the sky down, they would fall, gathering up force the more they fell. And they just happened to fall vertically down mountains. The same mountains he and Erza were supposed to climb.
Gray let out a gentle sigh and watched Natsu's descent. Erza had to bring out her floating blades of doom to force him down, but it was for the best. With a baby on the way, it was wise to avoid any injuries.
Once he was certain that Natsu would come down without issue, Gray turned and started walking back to base. Luca had made a simple A-frame by the lakefront, which the team had decided to call Support Station. Personally, he preferred Mountainside Manor, but that was just him.
Inside, it was rather spacious. Lucy, due to her condition, would be calling the Support Station home for the next few days. Wendy had to be at her side, along with Natsu. Luca would be staying back because they would need a cryomancer. That left him and Erza to scale the mountains. And unlike their straight and simple run to the South Pole, mountaineering came with a lot of gear.
A lot of gear.
"I've been checking your pack, Gray," Lucy called out to him as soon as he entered, and he walked over to her. "You sure you don't want any of this stuff?"
By this stuff, she meant ice axes and ice screws. Gray nodded. "Anything I can make, we don't need to carry. The lighter the load, the better."
It was the truth. Mountain climbing was not only a test of endurance, but also a test of smarts. Of knowing what you needed the most and carrying only that.
Mountains were like that. One climb taught you more about the things that mattered better than a couple decades worth of life experience.
"It'll probably be a two-day ascent, so we're packing enough water and food for four days," he went on. "That, along with the tent, ropes, and sleeping bags, is going to push the limits a lot."
"I know, I know." She sighed. "Just double-checking everything."
"Thanks, Luce. What's next on the agenda for you?"
"Next is triple-checking," Lucy replied with a chuckle. "Go, do your pre-climb rituals. I'll call you both when I'm done."
"Thanks, Luce."
Gray didn't subscribe to any pre-climb rituals as such. Not really. There was no point to such things. But... there was something he wanted to do. Add a safety net to the whole enterprise.
He wandered through the A-frame, trying to find a suitable spot. The dining room was out. So were the bedrooms. Too many small things that could be destroyed. Cutlery, bedding. No, he would need a wider berth for this. Some empty space. However, he realised that the Support Station was much too utilitarian to serve his purposes. It wasn't made with extra space in mind. Which was good. Just not for what he had in mind.
So, Gray walked back out. Instinctually, he glanced up at the mountain. Natsu had made it down. Erza was making him hold his ears and do squats. A good team-building exercise, to be sure.
Instead of lingering on them, his eyes wandered up the mountain, trying to gauge the distance from their camp to the peak.
The mountain range seemed to form a ring of sorts. Peak 1, the one they were set to climb, was an outlier. The outermost layer of the wall. Behind it rose taller mountains. What they formed a ring around was a mystery.
Don't be a thousand-year-old sleeping dragon, please. I've had enough of not letting sleeping dragons lie.
After some puttering around, he found a spot a few feet from the front door that suited his purpose. Wide, open space. No breakables in sight. Not too far away from the A-frame that they couldn't make it inside within ten seconds. It was as close to perfect as he could find.
Gray went down on a knee and placed his palm on the icy ground. He splayed his fingers and let a breath of magic slip through. A gentle spark of white light escaped from within the gaps of his fingers, and he knew his work was done. Gray raised his hand and saw, there on the ice, a little glyph resembling a snowflake. Three prongs. Delicate. And yet, it could save their lives.
I hope it doesn't come to that, he thought as he stood up. But fuck knows I'll sleep better knowing it's there.
Having nothing better to do, Gray stumbled back into the A-frame. Lucy had finished triple-checking their gear and gave them the green signal to go ahead and begin their ascent. It was as good a time as any, and since both he and Erza had finished breakfast beforehand, all that was left to do was climb.
"Bring me a rock from the tippy-top, yeah?" Luca asked as Gray shouldered his pack. "I got some ice from the South Pole, and this'll round out my trophy case."
"Uh-huh. What else ya want? A panoramic view from the top?"
"No, I just want you and Auntie Erza to make out a lot."
Because he was making sure his pack was on all right, Gray couldn't shush Luca on time. His open palm smothered the boy's face only when the words had already flown. Thankfully, he'd said it in Isvali.
"The fuck're you doin'?" Gray asked in an urgent whisper, looking over his shoulder to make sure nobody had caught it. "Ya wanna get me fuckin' killed?"
In response, Luca licked his palm and Gray was forced to free the boy's mouth.
"Nah, I just think it's about time, ya know?" he continued, thankfully still in Isvali. Gray thanked his lucky stars that Luca at least had the presence of mind to do that. "You've been cosying up to her, spendin' lotsa time in close proximity."
Here, Luca brought his palms uncomfortably close together, without touching, in an effort to demonstrate. Gray looked on, unamused.
"Everything went according to my evil plan. Now, since I ain't gonna be up there to kick you into takin' action, you gotta do the rest yourself." Nodding solemnly, Luca smooshed his palms together before placing a hand on Gray's shoulder. "I believe in you. Don't let me down, yeah? Thousands of lives are at stake."
The gall of this little fucker.
With experienced stoicism, Gray pinched Luca's cheeks and pulled them apart. There was a point when discipline had to be administered to children. Otherwise, there was very little separating them from monkeys. Luca especially.
"You take care around the others while I'm gone, y'hear?" Gray told Luca whilst tugging his cheeks one way and then another. "Don't do anything so stupid it makes Lucy's water break. Mix with them as much or as little as you want, and if they want anything ice-related done, do it. That's all. Got it?"
Only after posing his question did Gray relieve the boy's cheeks. Luca, for his part, frowned enthusiastically as he rubbed his cheeks.
"This shit gets real old, real fast, y'know?"
"Then quit being a dumbass."
"Yeah, yeah." Luca fell in step behind Gray as he started walking out. "Don't let anything down here distract you. Climb safe, and come down fast."
Gray snorted a laugh out of his nose. "You sound like a parent."
"You rubbed off on me."
Instead of replying, Gray smiled to himself. It was the most grown-up thing Luca had ever told him. Now that the words had been uttered, Gray felt easier in his mind. He hadn't even realised that he needed to hear it. Luca had.
As soon as he stepped out of the cabin, he was met with a series of hugs from Lucy and Wendy, who wished him luck and safety. Natsu offered him his hand, and Gray clasped it, allowing himself to be pulled a bit closer.
"It's real hairy up there," Natsu told him seriously. "It's almost fully clean shaven. The wind did a number on the rock face. Oh, and it gets slipperier the higher you go."
"Thanks, man." Gray nodded. "And thanks for the recon. Much appreciated."
Natsu shook his head. "Just make sure she doesn't do anything crazy, yeah?"
He didn't need to be told who he meant. Gray smiled slightly. "And you hold the fort here. We'll be back in no time."
"Then don't waste it and get going."
"Yeah, yeah."
Turning away from Natsu, he faced the mountain once more. He gave it a once-over, and as his eyes travelled down the slope, they ultimately landed on her.
In contrast to his midnight blue, she had chosen a red down jacket. Her posture seemed more relaxed today. Calmer. Finding the pole seemed to have beaten back her frustration, and Gray was glad.
Climbing a mountain was all about being light. A chip on your shoulder was just extra weight.
"Done with the farewells?" Gray asked aloud when he got close to her. All he got in response was an affirmative hum.
"Ready to climb?" she asked back, and he hummed this time.
"Rope up," Gray told her. There was no reason to stand on ceremony. He would be going first, hammering screws into the rock and ice, attaching rope to them. It would be their anchor.
Erza and he would be linked with the same rope. A security measure in case one of them slipped. It was called a belay system. Every mountaineer had a device to feed the rope through and lock it in. This stopped them from falling to their deaths if they lost their grip.
"Done already," Erza answered, pointing to the belay device. She smiled. "Let's get started."
"As the lady wishes."
With a muttered prayer to ward them against the winds, Gray started the ascent. It was early yet, with enough light. Low light was one of the factors that could force them to stop, but Gray ignored them all for now. He fell into a steady rhythm soon enough, focusing all his attention on creating ice screws and ensuring they were securely anchored in the rock. The rope was good. Nice and elastic. It would avoid a sudden jerk to the body should anyone fall.
Stop thinking about that.
So, he did. Gray and Erza climbed in silence, but always in step, always in sync. He knew that they were the only ones they could count on up here. Not the first time that's been the case. First time in a while, though, definitely. The last time had been years ago. And he did not want to think about that instance, either.
Instead, Gray cast his mind back further to the past. Back to simpler times. Back to when it was him and her against Hades. Or when they had both appeared in Edolas to help Lucy together. There were many times they'd had to work in unison, and, frankly, he was always amazed at how well they could do that. It was curious. They had never trained for it. It had just... happened. Seamlessly. As if there was a reason behind why the universe kept pushing them together... only to forget about them.
Sighing, he glanced down at her. He did that every few minutes, just to check up on her. And every time, she gave him a thumbs up. She had no way of knowing when he'd look down. Was she just waiting for it? How did she know? Telepathy?
She can only look up, doofus. Right at your ass. So, keep it moving.
Still, he liked knowing she was there. That she was safe. Her calm composure from the morning had persisted, it would seem, and she looked about ready to take on life by the horns. It was exactly what he needed from her. Volatile emotions were a bad, bad thing on a mountain.
But the winds were worse.
They were always present, bringing with them lashings of snow. The weather changed every time the winds came, and they came often. Sun, snow. Sun, snow. There was no pattern to it. Not really. The whimsical contrast between sun and shade continued, and he called for a stop every time the winds acted up. Thankfully, the lashings were benign. For most of the climbing day, the dreaded katabatics remained absent. Only with two hours of sunlight left did they show up.
Gray hugged the ropes and kept himself squeezed to the rock. Directly beneath him, Erza would have it a little better. A bit. Gray was fine with it, but every time the winds almost knocked him down, every time he felt the elasticity of the rope, he couldn't help but wonder whether it would break. Whether he would fall.
And he looked down at Erza, who gave him a thumbs up.
He snorted at that. There was no power on Earthland that could dim the light Titania carried within her bosom. It was a gentle light. A pure one. All those who were within her aura were lifted up. No matter how hard the bludgeoning Fate had in store for them, Erza would never let anyone under her protection lose faith. Not in her. Not in themselves. Not as long as she drew breath.
As soon as the winds dissipated, Gray called for camp. Erza pitched their portaledge against the rock face immediately. It was a small tent that hung off the side of a mountain. Their equipment – packs and rope – were also hung out beside the tent, each getting its own ice screw courtesy of Gray. All they carried inside their tent was food and sleeping bags.
"We made it close to halfway," Erza announced as she settled for the rest of the day. "All things considered, we made good progress."
"Uh-huh," Gray replied as he himself squeezed into his sleeping bag. "If we start real early tomorrow, we'll make it to the top and back down here."
They had planned a two-day ascent, and it seemed like they would be on schedule. But that was far from Gray's mind right now. Instead, he was concerned more about how closely packed he and Erza were going to be for the next few hours. Their two sleeping bags took up all the floorspace, and were squeezed tightly together. She'd have her feet by his head and vice versa.
"Your side of the bed," Gray told her with a sly smile as he zipped himself up, gesturing to her sleeping bag. Then he pointed at his own. "My side of the bed."
"Picking sides already?" Erza chuckled. She sat with her back against the tent, leaning against the fabric. "It feels as if we are adventurers on a shoestring budget who must share a room with one bed."
"The ol', 'And there was only one bed!' trope, huh?"
"Exactly."
"You don't find it overused?"
"It is a trope precisely because it works, Gray."
"If you say so."
It was not an exaggeration to assume that Erza had read all the bad romance novels. If anybody knew enough about them to write a doctoral thesis, it would be her. She said it worked, so Gray did not question it.
However, being cooped up inside the tent did not leave them with much to do other than eat, sleep, or talk. He was not ready to sleep just yet and, from the looks of it, neither was she. Erza looked about their little tent, as if acclimatising. Their world had been distilled into just the contents of the tent for the next few hours, so he understood. He liked that. A world where it was just him and her... he would stay there forever.
"Erza?" he asked after some time. If not sleeping or eating, talking was the only thing they could do.
"Hmm?"
"So, you're called Titania."
"Some people call me that, yes."
"What're your thoughts on the Titania of myth and legend?"
She raised a contemplative eyebrow at that. "The Queen of the Summer Court?"
"That's the one."
Leaning her head back against the canvas, Erza closed her eyes. Her brows furrowed in thought while Gray kept his silence. He put his little packet of food on his lap and pulled out a bottle of mead. The only thing he'd brought from Isvan for personal consumption. He uncorked it as Erza opened her eyes and took a sip.
"I like her," she said. "The stories about Titania are few and far in between, but she strokes me as a very intriguing figure. Powerful, competent." A pause. "Frightening."
"Why frightening?"
"Because that's the nature of Fae beings, isn't it? They live in a world apart from our own, and have their own society, beliefs and cultures." She smiled. "They are an alien people. As functionally immortal beings, of course they are different from us."
"Makes sense."
"And as Queen, Titania has to embody the very best and worst of her people. She is truly unknowable. She has her own code, her own rules, her own intentions for doing things a certain way." A pause. "And above all, she is free. Not even her husband has a say in what she does."
"That's Oberon, right?" Gray asked. The mead, though mild, warmed him up as soon as he drank it. Sitting up straight, he held the bottle out to Erza.
"Mhmm. There are no strings on her..." she trailed off, staring up at the roof of their little tent. Gray shook the bottle before her face to regain her attention.
"You were miles away," he told her when she looked at him. "You wanna take a sip? Might help with the cold."
Erza raised both eyebrows this time. "Are you sure it is wise to offer me alcohol, Gray?"
"It's mead, Erza. Honey."
That was all he had to say. Erza, without another word, took the bottle from him rather enthusiastically and chugged down almost half of it in one go .
"Ahhhh! This is good," she said while wiping her mouth with her glove. "I wish we had more of these things in Fiore. I'll tell Mira to get this on the tap as soon as we're back."
Gray smiled and leaned his head back against the fabric of the tent. Ezra and her team had been away from home for a very long time. Of course she was thinking about what she would do when she went back. Making plans. He wondered what he would do when he got back.
Hmm. Clean up, that's for sure. What else? Luca will probably have an internship in Fiore soon, so I don't have to worry about that anymore.
With the kid gone, half his day would be freed up. He'd have time to do all the things he'd wanted. Finally.
What do I want to do?
His mind drew a complete blank. Gray found that rather annoying. Surely, there were things he was looking forward to doing back home? Things he was holding off on for Luca's sake. Was he really so busy in training the boy that he hadn't had the time to come up with a bucket list?
"What else do you wanna do?" Gray asked Erza to put an end to his thoughts. "Once you're back, I mean. Got any plans?"
"I plan on taking a vacation for myself," she replied between sips of mead. "Decompress, you know?"
"I know. By yourself?"
"Mmhmm. I love them, but I've spent too much time with them here. I need to…" Erza trailed off mid-sentence as a gust of wind buffeted the tent. "Ah yes. We have that to look forward to all night."
"Where do you wanna go?" Gray asked further, bringing her attention back to the topic at hand. He wanted to know. "Thought about any of that?"
"Hmm? Oh! The vacation. Not really. I just want to not be in Fiore for a while, though. The media attention will be too… intrusive, I guess."
Gray hummed and shrank back into silence. She had no immediate goals, either. Secretly, he had been wanting her to have a more concrete vision of what she wanted to do. He would have something to steal, then. It's always been that way, hasn't it? Every time any of them felt like a rudderless mess, Erza was there to give them direction. A little part of him still shamefully clung to that. Hoped for a sense of security from her.
It was strange. He had come to save her, and yet, spent most of his time fantasising being saved in turn. But from what? His lonely mountain? If Erza had told him that she was off somewhere in particular, would he have wanted to join her? Gray shook his head. It was an absurd question. He would have. Why, though? Was the life he had built not good enough for him to go back to?
Or was the possibility of life with her just that overpowering?
A wind blew then, jerking the tent to and fro, and Gray snapped out of his thoughts. Straightening up, he found Erza tipping the bottle back and draining it dry. It was a rather startling sight, and Gray wondered whether handing her a bottle was a good idea. He had been thinking that they would share, but evidently, she had other ideas.
"This coat is making me sweat," she told him and started unzipping out of her sleeping bag. "This mead is really good. Do you have more, Gray?"
"No, I don't," he began, but then his brain caught up to him. "Wait. The fuck're you doing?! Don't take off your clothes!"
"Oh, stop worrying," Erza scoffed as she shrugged out of the first layer of her insulated clothing. "I'm not comin' after your job."
"I'll have you know I haven't stripped in years." There was no need to tell her that he'd done it aboard the Dreadnought. It was for a good cause, but still. "You're at the South Pole, Erza, you'll freeze to death! Put your clothes back on!"
"Oh, pshaw! This isn't even cold! Jellal is cold. This doesn't even hold a candle."
Oh no. Gray gulped. Erza was drunk. This high up, even a bottle of mead could have an effect. Especially on Erza, who had been eating less than usual. This was his fault, and halfway up a mountain, he was ill-equipped to handle a drunk Erza all by himself.
"Erza," he tried again, feebly. "Please put your-"
"Seriously, who does he think he is?" Erza cut him off, oblivious of his attempts aimed at keeping her safe. Sliding out of her down jacket, she bundled it up and flung it at the opposite end of the tent, a few inches to the right of Gray's face. Though it lacked the force to punch a hole through the tent's fabric, the soft impact still shut Gray up. "Who makes someone wait for months on end without a single message? Do you know how much I spent on hair oils during those months after defeating Acnologia?! And for what?"
Her words were coming quicker now. Accompanying them came the famous Fiorian hand gestures. As she posed her last question, Erza punctuated it with the dreaded pinecone hand – she stretched out her fingers but gathered the tips together, waggling her wrist. It was then that Gray knew that Jellal had really fucked up.
"And when you do show up, you expect me to drop everything and give you all the attention you didn't think you needed for a decade? Which I was happy to give, don't get me wrong, but would it hurt for you to have learnt some household skills in the seven years you spent moping around with your pretend fiancée? I can forgive burning the pasta, or random midnight meals, but when you eat my food, I expect you to get refills!"
Weathering the tempest of words not aimed at him, Gray leant back against the tent for support. As she spoke, she discarded another layer of clothing. This was not good. Gray picked up Erza's spurned down jacket and folded it up. She would be needing it as soon as the mead wore off, and he wanted to be ready.
"You say you can last for an hour, but you can't handle nine minutes of criticism? I was twenty-five, Gray. Twenty-five! I'm twenty-eight now! I did not have the time to potty train a man seven years older than me! I wanted to settle down and start a family! How can I do that when I have to raise my partner?! Grand Chariots won't help you do dishes and clean the house, Jellal! Gods, I feel so hot!"
Despite himself, Gray felt somewhat bad for Jellal. He had known that he and Erza had been on and off for a few years after he left Fiore, but he'd never pried. Or asked her about anything. Cana had always given him the gossip. Rumours. Things like that. But this was the first time he was hearing anything from the horse's mouth.
Though not one for gossip, Gray was gravely interested in this particular matter. He was about to ask for more details but stopped when Erza started looking hither and thither inside the tent. She was searching. Her piercing gaze was burning in its intensity. Immediately, Gray felt bad for whatever she was looking for. That look never bode well for-
"Gray, take your clothes off."
Huh?
"Wh-wha-what?" he stammered out somehow, eyes wide. What le fucketh? "Wh-why?"
"Because you're always disgustingly cold." Wow. Excuse you. "And I could use that right now."
His mind searched for an answer, but Erza gave him no time to think. She shed her bedroll and crawled the negligible distance separating them towards him. Even in the relative darkness of the tent, he could make out her smile. That was not good. For him.
"Erza," he began his protest. "I-"
"Do you even need warm clothes? You're an ice mage."
Irrefutable logic. Gray shut his mouth. It was one thing to debate a drunk Erza on firm ground, surrounded by friends. Halfway up a mountain while being slapped around by winds? Not so much.
With a sigh, Gray took off his own down jacket and unzipped his bedroll. "I shoulda taken your advice and not given you the mead."
"Whatever does that have to do with anything?"
He had an answer. It was right on the tip of his tongue, ready to fly, but the instant Erza slid into his bedroll, Gray lost his command over his senses. She was in her thermals, and he was wearing a t-shirt. Too few layers of clothing between them. Besides, Erza had not simply laid down beside him, but partly on top of his chest. He could feel her hair tickling his chin. How could that not affect him?
"Mmmm," she hummed, snuggling into him. "This is much better."
Gray did not understand what cold comfort she was receiving from him. He himself felt like he was morphing into a burning candle with every single exhalation of hers he felt on his chest. At this rate, he would be a puddle by daybreak. No doubt.
Once she was settled in, Erza patted his chest and said, "I miss you."
In the middle of zipping up his sleeping bag, Gray's fingers stilled. He opened his mouth to say something he knew he'd regret in the morning, but she cut him off. Again.
"I miss you," Erza repeated, her voice like a beautiful, yet fading dream.
"I'm right here," he whispered into her hair and got a hum in response. Then a light snore. Erza was gone. The mead had finally done its job.
Out of disappointment, or maybe desperation, Gray sighed. A quick exhalation of breath, followed by leaning his head back against the tent. With Erza asleep on his chest, his range of motion was now extremely limited. Which was a good thing. He did not have the energy for much movement.
In a deep corner of his heart, he had been hoping for more. Hoping, perhaps, that after letting Jellal have it, Erza would accept him. Gods, that's stupid. He sighed again. And yet… and yet…
Was it stupid? Was it stupid to hope? Perhaps not. But halfway up a mountain at the end of the world? What was he hoping to get from her? An affirmation of affectation? A kiss? Sex? Gray shook his head in disgust. A part of him hoped. Had hoped. Still did. A part of him wanted to leave his mountain and come back to Fiore, just for her. Leave the endless snow and cold behind.
The truth was that there was nothing for him there. Not one. Nothing but the past. Nothing but staring at what never was in the face. Day in and day out. He would never step into the future so long as he held on to the past so tightly.
But what was the alternative? Where would he go? Back to Magnolia? Join up with the guild after… after everything? No. No, that would not do. It was just as much in his past as Old Bergstad was.
And the thing about the past was that it was dead. Frozen stiff. Cold.
Erza stirred. A hum escaped her, followed by a smacking of the lips. She never woke. Not once for the next six hours. Enough time for Gray to get used to the rhythm of her heart. He wondered whether there was a place for him between those beats, but every time he dared to hope, the winds came and batted such thoughts away.
All through the night, the katabatic winds battered their little tent. Every few minutes, Gray felt the tent swing wildly to the left, and then to the right. Sometimes it swung a little away from the rock wall. Others, it was pushed down the mountain. Or so it seemed. It was like being in a lift that could not decide whether it wanted to go up or down and so decided to go in every direction at once.
Through all that, Gray held Erza in his arms and tried to sleep. Sometimes, he would manage to doze off. Half an hour here. Three minutes there. He did not know how much sleep he got. Or how much time had passed. But by the time Erza woke up, he had her arms around her for a long enough time to have a fair idea of just how thin she had become.
Without the first two layers of clothes, there was no way of disguising it. Erza's body felt like it had been hit by a famine. Gray felt bone wherever his palms strayed throughout the night. It was alarming. Normal, but alarming nonetheless. Gray never mentioned it once she was up, but he made sure to give her more food than she was having for breakfast.
"Sorry for sleeping on you last night," Erza had offered sheepishly once she was up. She had woken up while he was asleep and gotten dressed. Had not woken him up. "This is why you should not give me anything to drink."
"My bad," he had told her. Said nothing of anything she had brought up last night. He did not want her distracted for the climb. Especially because it was a rather windy day.
Unlike the day before, the katabatics had really brought it. The safe option was to stay inside the tent and wait it out, but Gray could not bring himself to. Not after spending all of last night cradling Erza. He needed some space to himself. To decompress. To get unnecessary thoughts out of his head.
Hanging from non-existent handholds and hammering in ice screws into the rock as rabid winds threatened to wring him off violently was the best way he could think of to cleanse his mind. So, he did just that. Erza did not complain. She wanted to reach the summit more than he did, and she followed him without question.
Two hours into their climb, Gray set his sights on a finger of rock sticking out of the vertical rockface. It was wide enough for him to lie on his back, and long enough to fit him. It would make for a good place to take a break and recommence. He communicated his plans to Erza through signs and she nodded her assent. Every break, every base helped. Not only was he reaching the summit, Gray was also pioneering a route for future climbers to follow. That ledge would become a necessary stopping point for many adventurers to come.
I wonder what we'll end up calling this route, Gray found himself thinking. Once he got into a groove, his mind sometimes shut down. Other times, it wandered. Hopped around among relevant things but stayed rooted in the task at hand. Windrunner? No, too badass. Something a bit weirder. The Hand, maybe. Why? Because you use your hands to climb. The mountain gives you a hand. He shook his hand. No.
For that matter, he thought, what would they end up naming the mountain? Or the range? Was it even up to them? Would they have to request permission from Hisui or someone else? He did not know. Probably not his business, anyway. What the name of a random route on a random mountain in the south pole ended up being was really none of his business.
Gray put an end to that line of thought once he reached the finger of rock. He hauled himself up onto it and set his backpack down. Crouching down on it, he manifested an ice screw and a hammer in his hands, the ice sparkling against the faint noonday sun. They were near the summit now, and the view from that high up was nothing short of breathtaking.
Immediately before him lay a fall of several thousand metres. But beyond that, spread out as far as he could see – and he could see very far – was white. Pure white. It was almost blinding in the sunlight, just how white everything was. He could make out Mavis Camp sticking out like a sore thumb amidst all the natural splendour, though he had to squint. To his right, from the direction he had come from the Dreadnought, was a high wall of ice that blocked his view. To the left, however, he got lucky. To the left, he found the ocean.
Lowering his tools, Gray sighed. It was almost magical, the patches of deep, dark blue cluttered with icebergs and floes. Once winter hit properly, a lot of the water would freeze up as well. Their way of escape would get even more arduous. Once he got off the mountain, he would spend all his energy in getting the others to the ocean.
After that? Well, that was the hard part. He didn't-
"KYA!"
A sudden scream that cut through the winds. A deathly jerk on the rope from below. The two things happened in such quick succession that he did not get a chance to think of until he was face down on the ledge. The sudden impact with the rock left him winded, and he wondered what in the world had happened. It did not take him long to reach a conclusion.
Erza!
"I'm okay!" came her voice, rising as if in defiance of the winds. "The rock I chose to hold on to came off."
The impact with the rock had not been gentle. His ice tools had gone flying and Gray placed his palms flat to push himself up and peer over the edge to his right. The rope would have held. Even if Erza was dangling, the rope was strong enough to hold her weight.
But that was not the problem.
As soon as he put pressure on the rock, Gray heard a noise that made him stop in his tracks. It was unmistakable, the sound of cracking rocks. The weather-beaten finger of rock could be used as a place to sit, sure, but the violent hurling of his body against it had been like a hammer coming down on a brittle piece of metal.
Gray lowered himself back to his chest. There was nothing for him to do except let her climb up to him. Ease the tension on the rope.
"You got a foothold?" he shouted back, hoping that his voice carried. Hoping that it did not bring the mountain down on them.
"Negative. The mountain curves inwards where I'm hanging. I can't even reach it with my foot." A pause. "Can you haul me up?"
Gray sucked in a breath. "If I make the slightest move, it's a high dive for the both of us."
"Well, I can Requip into my Heaven's Wheel Armour and-"
"If you do that, the metal in contact with your body will rip the skin right off. You'll bleed while freezing."
"It'll only take a few seconds to get to you!"
That was true. Gray knew better than anybody Erza's ability to take punishment and still come out on top. But he could not allow that. Especially in her weakened state. No, there had to be other ways.
But what? What can I even do here? I can't even move.
There was no time to dally, either. Sure, the clothes helped, but constant motion is what was keeping Erza warm. Now, she was hanging at the end of a rope. Motionless. Frostnip would set in in her toes first. Then work itself up. He himself was resistant to the effects of cold, but he wasn't immune. The longer he sat there, the more time the cold had to physically paralyse him.
Gods be damned, what do I do?
"Gray?"
"What?"
"I've been trying to reach the rockface, but I cannot. I'm afraid if I swing too much, the rope will start fraying."
He had not thought of that. The rope was good. Top of the line stuff, but even nylon had its limits. Even in a crisis, Erza had the presence of mind to think of these things well in advance. It was why she was the leader.
"Gray, I'm going to cut the rope."
Because she could take the tough decisions.
"It's a very vertical rockface. There is little chance of me hitting something on the way down," she continued. "Once I'm near the end, I can Requip into Heaven's Wheel and break my fall. The others will be right there, so there will be little to no delay in me receiving medical attention."
Her tone was calm and collected. No hint of any emotion in anything she had said. It was a rational argument, too. Wendy would be all over her as soon as she touched down. Besides, Erza had been through worse.
Gray chuckled darkly and shook his head. Why do you have to be so goddamn heroic all the time?
"Don't do it, Erza. Didn't you want to reach the top?"
"It's better if you do. You are the one who will be getting us out of here, so you need to know what you are working with."
Why did she have to be so damn rational about everything? Gray could not explain why he did not agree with anything she said. He did not have a good enough reason. Not a rational one. And he had no good ideas. All he wanted to do was make sure she did not get hurt. To make sure she reached the top. To see her look upon the world wreathed in white.
Most of all, he did not want her to do the whole self-sacrificing schtick again. She had done it once before at the Tower. Back then, he had no means of appearing at the crystal room at will. If he had-
Gray sucked in a breath. Instant travel. A backup. The beginnings of a plan began to surface and he immediately began unfastening his end of the rope.
"I'll see you at the bottom, Gray."
"Damnit, Erza, wait-"
The rope lost its slack just as his knot came loose. Without sparing a single thought, Gray channelled his magic into his left hand, slapping it down on the rock face before rolling to his right, over the edge.
He saw Erza falling towards the earth. The sword that had severed the rope was just disappearing from her hand when their eyes met. The time had come and gone for words. He saw her eyes widen and pulled his hands to his side, leaning down, towards her. Minimising the amount of drag meant he would be hurtling down faster than her. Erza's main goal was to float on down and Requip at the last possible moment. She had her arms and legs spread out, slowing her descent. He would catch up to her in a few seconds.
She was right. The extreme verticality of the rockface ruled out colliding against other things. If Gray had the power to propel himself faster, he would. Sailing through the air at breakneck pace towards Erza, he gnashed his teeth and prepared for impact. The sunglasses allowed him to keep his eyes open – barely. Even through the tint, he could make out the expression on her and translate it.
Why?
It was a simple thing to ask. Not many people would throw themselves off a mountain for someone. If she thought about it, she would know.
Because I love you.
His actions had always been rooted in sentimentality. Always. Whether for better or worse, every decision he had ever taken had had emotion at the base. Not once had he regretted it.
If not for love, then for what else would he suffer?
Spreading his arms, Gray enveloped Erza in what he hoped was a low impact hug, though he was sure it felt more like a tackle. He had her in his arms within seconds, going the extra mile and wrapping his legs around her as well.
Now, instead of falling neatly, they were tumbling through the air uncontrollably. A hair's breadth away from being dashed against the rockface. The sound of the wind rushing past his ears was deafening and Gray sucked in a breath. He could not warn Erza, so he settled for holding her tightly.
Then, he allowed the magic to flow.
Immediately, the wind stopped whistling in his ear. In actual fact, Gray felt nothing. No physical sensation touched him. Yet, the feeling of falling intensified. Sped up. Faster, and faster still, he hurtled through darkness. Something pulled him back. Something pulled him to the sides. A pull from every direction. Pushing against it. Stretching thin. Like a rubber band on the brink of collapse.
And then, just as quickly as the winds disappeared, they came back. Except they weren't falling anymore. Blinking the darkness away, Gray found Erza tucked into his chest, the both of them lying on their sides atop the finger of rock. Against his cheek, glowing tremulously in a white light, was the impression of a snowflake against the rock.
His backup.
"What?" Erza broke the silence, sitting bolt upright and looking down at him. "What happened?"
"Easy. This thing is unstable. Don't move too suddenly."
Erza said nothing. She was waiting for his answer, Gray knew, but something seemed to be off. Without wasting more time, he threw himself into the explanation.
"Short distance teleportation," he said, pointing to the snowflake-shaped rune on the rock. "Mark and Recall. I'd left a Mark at camp. A backup, in case we needed a speedy exit."
Realisation dawned on her face. "You changed your anchor for this?"
"I did."
"Now we can only teleport to this rock."
"Yes."
Erza rubbed her forehead. She did not appear overly enthused to be back on the rock. Gray sat up.
"Everything okay?" he asked gently.
"Do you know why I chose to come here, Gray?" she began, ignoring his question. "Do you know why I took this mission?"
He shook his head. "You said it was something you had to do."
"Yes. It is. I came here because I wanted to do something for myself, by myself. I wanted to be able to make my own decisions and triumph or fail based on them." She looked at him now, agitation undisguised. "I wanted no safety nets. I did not come here to be saved, Gray."
What?
Gray licked his lips, unsure of what to say. Where was this coming from?
"I wanted to see if I still had it in me to be Titania," she went on, her voice now more a growl than anything. "I wanted to pit myself against the worst the world had to offer and see if I could pull through. I want to live and die by the merits of my own decisions, Gray, whether good or bad." She struck the ground lightly with her fist. "I wanted to prove it to myself after…" She sighed. "After everything with Jellal."
It made sense, in a weird sort of way. So much of Erza had been defined by her unwavering love and support for Jellal that, after a point, it seemed like she had stopped growing. People did a lot of different things to get out of that rut, but…
"Erza, our strength has always come from the people around us," Gray told her. "Why do you wanna do this alone?"
"Why did you run away alone to Isvan, Gray? Why didn't you ask any of us for help?"
Gray said nothing. Erza rose to her feet.
"It was something you needed to do alone. This is something I need to do alone. As long as you keep trying to be my safety net, Gray, I will never grow a sense of self. I will never be me." With another sigh, Erza started undoing the rope around her waist. She had cut the rope. It would need to be tied again, now. "You need to let me make my mistakes. Stop trying to save me. Those days are done."
Stop trying to save me. Those days are done.
There were seldom things that hurt him more than those words put together. What was funny was that she had not put any effort into putting these words together in that particular order. It was just… just what made sense to her. Effortlessly, she had broken his heart.
How could he stop trying to save those he loved? Her? He sought no reward for doing it… but at the end of the day, what else could he do? Erza had a purpose for coming here. His purpose was to save her. That was why he had come. Would he have bothered otherwise? If she wasn't part of the party?
Gray didn't know. Now, stripped of that purpose, he was unsure what to do. What to say. If by loving her he was in any way holding her back, what would he do with a love like that?
Coming here was a mistake.
Wordlessly, Gray stood up. He had undone the rope around his waist as well, so he started roping up. Basic knots. It was something to do. Something he could do. Then, he was to climb a mountain. One step at a time. He could do that, too.
Relying on his practiced actions to get through the fog clouding his head, Gray resumed the climb. It was a straight shot to the top. No need to micromanage decision-making. No need to think. He counted that as a blessing. Just one step after another. He could do that.
Old wounds had a way of resurfacing. He could run from reality all he wanted, but right there, at the edge of the known world, it had found him. Words reverberated in his head. Stray, incomplete thoughts. Possible responses. Questions. Everything and nothing at the same time.
Gray was surprised when he reached the top. The peak afforded him a look at the valley beyond. Mountains rose around theirs on both sides, forming a ring around the valley, which was frozen solid. He didn't know what he expected. It was all the same. White, white, everywhere. He couldn't wait to get out.
The watch told him it was eight in the morning. Lots of time to get a read on the geography. Make plans. Erza joined him shortly, though she didn't say anything. No exclamation of victory. No joyous flag planting. If anything, she seemed tired. She gazed out at the valley, taking it all in.
He looked around, scrutinising the environment from every possible direction, but all he felt in his heart was dread. A big part of him did not want to be there anymore. Not with the snow. Not with her. She didn't really need him there. Not her, personally. Yes, they needed a rescue, but anyone could have done it. She would have been fine with that.
The weight of her regular visits to Isvan, considering what they meant, numbed his mind to the spectacular view. He stared blankly at the ocean, not really seeing it. Not even understanding how best to get there. It was like something inside him had cracked. The gears were off kilter.
With the world spread out before him, reminding him of how utterly insignificant he really was, Gray sighed. It tasted only of bitterness.