Author's Note: Brief mention of a very ill pet, internalized homophobia

-x-

"Lagoona meloydies decorum sadist tee! Subsidory locomotor, something power… something… uhhh…"

Remus covered his face trying not to laugh too hard. James was dancing along the hall, trying for the millionth time to sing one of the songs from the film earlier. He hadn't gotten it right once. Sirius had been singing 'Portobello Road' but at least he remembered some of the lyrics, even if it was just 'Portobello road, Portobello road' followed by a lot of la-de-das, instead of trying to make up words to fill in the parts he didn't remember exactly. He did also remember the bit 'streets where the' but then more humming.

"Maybe Miss Fawley can replay the memory long enough for you to remember some of the real lyrics," Peter teased when James messed up again.

Instead of being offended, James spun around to face Peter and Remus. "Do Muggles really see us that way nowadays?"

"Did you pay any attention to Professor Lewis?" Remus asked and James shrugged. "What am I saying? Of course you didn't. Apparently nobody does, judging from the confusion earlier. As she said… that is one of many ways that Muggles see us."

"S'better than Wizard of Oz," Peter said. "That's all… umm… what's the word… you know when it's really good and really bad?"

"The extremes?" Remus suggested, thinking of the film instead of the book since he assumed that's what Peter was referring to. "Black and white?"

Peter shrugged. "Yeah. You know, with Glinda being all…" Peter put on a falsetto voice to the complete amusement of the two Purebloods. "OOOOOH I'm a GOOD witch!" Then he hunched over, his voice cackling madly. "And the other one all oooooh I'm a BAD witch!" He straightened up, making a face. "It's weird."

"I wonder how else they see us," James mused. "The different ways, I mean, nowadays. Cause that one in the Broomsticks story was weird to me. The whole… way they did that was… I dunno, I liked the story, it was fun, but also a weird way to see witches."

"I'd rather have them see us as dancing around with…" Sirius wrinkled his face up. "What was the word lewis used? Ant… you know, painted fish—drawn—"

"Animated," Remus supplied.

Sirius nodded. "Dancing around with animated fish than trying to burn us at the stake."

"I wonder what it was like being burnt at the stake," James said.

Peter elbowed him. "Probably a lot like when you were burnt up by the dragon painting."

James made a face. "Bugger off. Don't remind me of that. Ugh." He shuddered and rubbed at his arms. Then suddenly he began giggling, which turned into loud shrieks of laughter. He collapsed on the floor, clutching his sides as he laughed, kicking his legs wildly.

Sirius was standing over him, wand drawn. "Probably felt like that," he said, "since they made the flames tickle them instead of burn them."

"Except they wouldn't be flailing around like that," Remus snickered. "They had to act like they were being burnt."

"Yeah and they were all tied up," Peter added. "You're not makin' it very convincing. I don't think I'd believe you were being burned."

"SHUT! UP! STO-OO—OOOP!" James gasped out. "Bloody—blood—" Sirius flicked his wand and James lay still, panting for breath. "I—hate—you."

"You wanted to know," Sirius said, offering his hand to help James up.

"Still, films are fun," James said when he was on his feet. "That was brilliant. I hope we watch more films in class. Not the real stuff, the, um, dockementrees, but the story stuff. The made up stories. Maybe over the holidays I can convince my parents to see one! Dad would have so much fun, I think! Do there—is there a way to get tellyvises?"

"Televisions," Peter said, looking very smug at being the one to correct his friend. "Yes, though it's not really easy to get films, you'd probably have to go see one in a theatre."

"A whater?"

"Theatre," Peter said, spending the rest of the time walking to the fourth floor explaining what theatres were like, which made James all excited again.

Soon they were standing by the room where Remus always did his Occlumency. He wasn't sure if his friends were coming in with him right now or waiting somewhere else. He kinda hoped for the latter, feeling like it might be awkward to try Occlumency with them watching him. It made him all itchy just thinking about it.

"Good evening, boys," Miss Fawley said when they went inside.

"Hey Miss Fawley!" James said brightly, bounding past Remus. "How are you doing tonight?"

She smiled at the exuberance in his voice. "I'm doing well, thank you."

"So!" James stuck his hands in his pockets and began rocking back and forth. "What's the plan? I mean, I know the general plan. You're gonna work with Remus then work with me and Petey, but I mean, where do you want us? In here? Somewhere else? I don't think we should hang about in the hall, that might be suspicious. Ooh, there's a secret passageway nearby, we could wait there?"

Miss Fawley raised her eyebrows, tilting her head very slightly. When James finally finished talking she said, "I think that would be a good idea for tonight, and we'll see how it goes. I know tonight I want both of you in here together to start with. After that… well, it will depend on what you want. What you're most comfortable with." She reached up, tucking some hair behind her ear. "I think tonight I'll work with Remus for forty or so minutes before we switch out, if that is all right with you, Remus."

"Um, yeah, that's fine."

James nodded vigorously. "Okay, yeah." He turned to face Remus. "We'll be down in the passage behind the unicorn tapestry. Do you know which one I mean?"

Remus folded his arms. "You mean the one I found? That one?"

James grinned sheepishly. "Errr—"

"Yes, I know which one you mean."

"Groovy."

James whirled around, dragging Sirius and a nervous-looking Peter out of the room. When the door swung shut, Remus sank down onto the couch. Least they won't be watching me. He reached up, rubbing his temple, then had to ask Miss Fawley to repeat her question which apparently was about how much sleep he got the night before.

"Erm, enough," he mumbled, trying to ignore the scowl on her face. "I had Astronomy so—"

"That's what I was worried about," she sighed.

"I took a nap before Astronomy. I'm all right. I got enough sleep, I promise." Actually he couldn't remember exactly how much sleep he had gotten. His nap had been about an hour, he had gone to sleep around two and woke up shortly after six so… that was enough sleep.

Miss Fawley pursed her lips together but didn't argue farther. "Very well. How are you feeling?"

He bit back the response of 'tired'. "I'm doing well. Except I am paired up with Snape on a Runes project. I mean, Lily's there too but…"

Fawley laughed. "That must be difficult."

"Yeah, our first meeting didn't go very well."

Luckily, they didn't make much more small talk. Since Remus's lesson was cut short by twenty minutes he wanted to get into it, and so did Fawley. She pressed a cool hand against his temple and soon they were going through his memories. He had a lot of trouble fighting her off and after several unsuccessful attempts, she asked if he really was doing well.

Remus clutched his already aching head. "I am! I—I think I'm a little on edge about the fact James and Peter are going to start tonight."

Two attempts later they encountered a memory of him alone and Fawley pulled out, but she was obviously displeased. "What was that?"

"N-nothing."

"Remus."

He wriggled uncomfortably. "A private memory."

"A private memory," she echoed. "And what were you doing in that private memory?"

"Erm." He began to panic. "You know, boy things. Very private."

"Remus. You were in the Restricted Section."

He wriggled a bit, chewing his bottom lip hard. Why did that memory have to pop up? "Er—I—I might have been…"

"You were," she said. "That—"

"Miss Fawley—"

She held up her hand. "Remus. It's Restricted for a reason. It's dangerous. Those books are dangerous. Very dangerous. You could have been injured. Or worse."

He felt his nose itching like he might start crying. Disapproval from Miss Fawley hurt. "I was careful, I was very careful. I promise. I didn't—I was—you know I'm careful with books—"

She let out a long sigh, putting her head in her hands. "Don't go in there again. Promise me you won't. It isn't a game, it isn't—what were you even doing in there?"

"Um." He scratched the couch with his fingernail, feeling very nauseated. "Trying to find some information."

"What information?"

He ducked his head, chest aching now. "I'd rather not talk about it. Please."

Miss Fawley wasn't facing him but her anger was burning a hole through his soul regardless. "You can trust me with anything. You know that, don't you?"

Not this. He tugged hard at the hem of his shirt, wondering if he should just run away. Er, again. He had done it before from one of his Occlumency lessons and now his eyes darted towards the door as he debated doing it again. Then a fleeting thought spun through his head: Could I? Could he trust her with this dark seed inside of him? His heart fluttered at the possibility of trusting someone—then it was a crushing weight of realization he couldn't. He couldn't ever.

This was disgusting and dark.

Fawley would continue to train him, he knew that; she had that loyalty to Dumbledore. However she'd despise him, think him horrible if she knew. She'd hate him, and he couldn't stand that. It'd be as heartbreaking as the Marauders hating him if they found out.

"I know," he finally said. "I trust you. But this is—this—this I'd rather keep to myself for now."

Fawley was silent for several seconds before, "All right. It's okay. It doesn't bother or upset me you are keeping secrets, Remus, I want to make sure you know that. You do have a right to keep secrets."

"Yes. Thank you."

They continued trying Occlumency, however Remus could not focus at all. It didn't help that one of the memories they landed in was him in the owlery, visiting Arthur. It was his most recent visit and Arthur was not doing well at all. Seeing his beloved pet so droopy and lethargic again made Remus's soul hurt, and after Fawley pulled out they had to take a short break while Remus tried not to cry. Miss Fawley didn't pretend that Arthur was going to be better soon which comforted Remus more than if she had lied. Arthur wasn't going to get much better, and he hated it when people kept saying he would. All she did was rub his back and hug him, promising she'd be there for him.

The pain from everything started accumulating and soon his head was aching. It was the worst he had done in a while and after Fawley hugged him again, he was trudging down the corridor to the secret passage with a lot of bitterness. James was excited and Peter was nervous when he slipped into the corridor and they took off, leaving Remus alone with Sirius.

He sank down onto the floor, dropping his head in his hands.

"You all right…?"

"Head hurts."

Sirius sat down next to him, shoulder against his. He was warm but the touch felt like it was going to set Remus's arm on fire. "Can I do anything to help?"

"Do you have a handkerchief?" Sirius and James both usually had them. Remus sometimes did, but didn't now.

Sirius fished around in his pocket and yanked out a crumpled ball of cloth. Remus got his flask of water out of his satchel and poured some water on it. He started to press it against his head but Sirius stopped him. He then used an ice spell on the damp handkerchief. Normally it should have encased the entire thing in ice but Sirius wasn't too good at that spell so instead it made the damp cloth very cold, with a few crystalline flakes on it. Remus thanked him and pressed the icy cold cloth against his face. It felt so good.

"Can I say something weird?" Sirius asked after a moment.

"You always say something weird," Remus pointed out, the cloth still against his face.

He heard Sirius snort. "I just wanted to say that it was… it—it was nice hearing you joke about your… the bruises healing last night."

Remus tilted his head, tugging the cloth down enough to give Sirius a curious look. "Eh?"

"I mean. You joked about how your bruises healed up quick, teasing us about how we needed bruise balm." Sirius rubbed his hands together nervously. "It's really nice to hear you joke casually about your—your condition. It made me happy."

Remus stiffened a little, having not really thought about that. "Oh. Er. Erm. Yeah."

"No, I mean it. You'd never say something like that last year." Now Sirius looked at him, smiling. "It's really good to hear you feel comfortable enough with us to joke."

Remus thought about all the jokes and sarcastic remarks he'd say around his parents and get into deep trouble for. Eventually he kept them to himself. He had made a few jokes around the Marauders regarding his lycanthropy, though not many. Sirius's words made him feel…

Good.

Before he could respond, though, the entrance to the passageway opened and a furious Miss Fawley stormed in followed by James and Peter.

"REMUS LUPIN!"

He jumped to his feet, jerking back and nearly tripping over Sirius. "Wh—what's wrong?"

"You have terrible headaches?" she asked, face full of fury.

"I'm s-s-sorry!" Pete squeaked. "I mentioned them, saying I was worried about having them too. I thought she knew—"

"How bad are they?" Fawley went on, ignoring Peter. "He said you have them after every single lesson? He said you often complained they were really bad?"

Remus trembled slightly, stepping back again. Since Sirius had stood up, Remus was now backed up against him. "N-n-no! I mean, not—not that bad!"

Behind Fawley, James was making a face at him. Then Sirius's hand came down on Remus's shoulder. "You should probably tell her the truth," he whispered in Remus's ear.

"TRUTH!" Fawley screeched, hearing Sirius's whisper. "You HAVE been hiding this from me?"

"If he has a headache you probably shouldn't be yelling," James yawned.

Fawley hesitated, a worried expression replacing the anger. "Do you have one right now?" she asked, very gently.

Remus wriggled uncomfortably. "A little bit—"

"Remus, I want the truth."

He looked down, squeezing his eyes shut. "Yes. It's really painful though it will fade soon, it usually fades within half an hour—"

Her arms were around him, engulfing him in another hug. "Dear one, why did you hide this from me?" she asked, one hand stroking his hair.

"I—I figured it was—I didn't—is it—is it not… normal?" he asked, knowing it wasn't. Or at least none of the books on Occlumency ever mentioned it.

Fawley shook her head. "No." She pulled back, cupping his face in her hands. "Maybe occasionally a small headache or two, but not after every single lesson and not one that bad. Normally your headaches fade quicker than that, don't they?"

"Um, sorta yeah," he admitted.

"They're bad?"

"It's all right—"

"It—it isn't," she said. "This isn't normal." She let out a sigh, hands dropping away from his face.

"Maybe it's because he's so smart," James suggested, and everyone turned to face him. "His head's full of information, no room for you."

Fawley gave a slight smile at that. "That's a fun hypothesis, but no."

"Maybe it's cause he's so small?" offered Peter and then squealed as Remus dove for him to hit him. He dashed behind James. "Sorrryyy!"

"No," laughed Miss Fawley. "I appreciate your ideas about what is going on however none of that—it's not—it's something else going on. Where exactly does your head hurt? Does it feel like a tension headache or a sinus headache or a migraine?"

"Uhhh—it sorta feels—it feels—" He broke off, trying to figure out how to explain the ache inside of him. "It feels like my brain is about to burst."

"So like James when he's trying to study," Sirius joked.

"It's all over?" Fawley asked, ignoring Sirius now.

"Um, yeah I—I guess. It feels deep inside of me. Deep inside my head. But it radiates out all over."

"Does it always feel that way?"

He nodded. "Yes."

She frowned, brow furrowing. "Does this happen after every lesson?"

"Pretty much."

"When does it start?"

He gave a shrug. "Partway through. Usually at the halfway mark is when it starts really hurting and by the time we finish it—it's really bad."

"And how come you never told me?"

He shifted from foot to foot. "It—I—I didn't want you to end my lessons."

Her hand returned to his head, to stroke his hair again. "Oh, Remus, darling… this doesn't sound good. This is not normal. I think we should—"

"No! Please don't take a break!" Remus begged, fearful she'd cut it off completely. "I can handle the headaches, honestly! It's starting to go away now. Please!" Her frown deepened as her fingers slipped through his tawny strands. "Look, we—we can talk about it next week because right now you're supposed to be with James and Peter anyway, right?"

"Very well," she reluctantly agreed. "We will discuss this next week, and we will talk about it next week. You will not get out of it."

Well that still gave him a week to try to come up with a way to convince her to let him continue. "Yes, of course."

Fawley turned around, her cane sweeping to make sure she didn't hit anything. "All right, come along boys, let's get back to our lesson."

James gave Remus a sympathetic look and Peter mouthed 'sorry' before they left. When the passage shut Sirius grabbed Remus, spinning him around.

"Don't," Remus growled before Sirius could start.

"You give us lectures all the time, you're not getting out of one! How could you keep this from her? You heard what she said, this isn't normal—"

Remus pulled away from him, sinking back down to the floor to put the cold cloth against his head. "I know! But I can handle it, it isn't like the pain is going to kill me."

Sirius stood over him, arms folded. "How do you know?"

"Well it's not like it's silver!" he snapped.

"It's not only silver that can kill you." He crouched down, eyes narrowed. "What if it's doing something to your brain? Something serious?"

Remus didn't answer, he just chewed at his fingernails.

"What if it's causing some sort of brain damage?"

"I heal."

Sirius ran his fingers through his hair, groaning. "Remy—"

"I'm fine! The pain stops, it goes away, I feel fine once it fades," he continued. "It's not that big a deal. Besides, I'll talk to her about it next week. I won't have a choice anyway, she won't let it drop." He suspected she might even want to talk to him that night, once the others were done.

Sirius adjusted his position so he was sitting next to him once more, shoulder to shoulder. Then out of nowhere Remus felt fingers brush against his hair. He glanced up and Sirius pulled his hand away.

"Worried about you," he said by way of an explanation. "You push yourself too much."

He wondered if his hair had caught fire from the touch. "One of us has to." He wanted to reach up and touch the same spot Sirius had touched but that would be weird, so he kept his right hand in his lap and his left one holding the cold cloth. He ached all over and knew he didn't have a choice anymore. "By the way… I am really considering tutoring. Um. If you still wanted to—to hire me." He hoped he hadn't said 'hired' too firmly.

Sirius brightened. "Yes, Regulus is doing—er, well, yes. Absolutely. And you'll take payment?" Remus nodded slowly. "Perfect."

Remus wondered if Sirius was going to use his own money to pay Remus or get it from his parents. He wasn't even sure how much of an allowance Sirius got. He knew it wasn't as much as the Blacks could probably afford. But this fiery ache was too much to deal with anymore. He needed answers, and that meant buying a book in Hogsmeade—hopefully—and that meant getting money.

-x-

Fawley didn't want to talk to Remus when she was done with James and Peter, though she reminded him they would talk the next week. The Marauders all bid her farewell and headed back to the Gryffindor tower. James talked fast, excited about the lessons, excited for the next one. He said she said he did pretty well but—

"Peter did even better, she said he has a lot of potential," James said, flinging an arm around Pete's waist.

Peter's cheeks reddened. "Um, well, I guess she said that—"

"She did."

"For bad reasons…"

"Bad reasons?" Sirius asked.

Peter looked down, wriggling away from James's hold. "Yeah, she said I did real good at making my mind blank."

"Why is that bad?" Remus inquired.

He let out a scoffing sound. "Saying that I'm good at makin' my brain go blank isn't much of a compliment, is it?"

James rolled his eyes and grabbed hold of his waist again. "In this case, yeah! She said I seemed to be having a lot of trouble making my head go blank." Sirius staggered back clutching his chest in fake shock, and James smacked him. "Ha-ha. I know."

"What exactly did she say?" Remus asked curiously.

Peter puffed his cheeks out, eyes squinting as he tried to remember. "She said I did real good at making my brain all blank and empty, she said she was impressed by that. She said—"

"She said he had a lot of potential," James cut in.

"Yeah, all right, she said that," admitted Peter.

Remus smiled, feeling a slight stab of jealously. "Congratulations, that sounds very good! Er, you didn't manage to fight her or anything, did you?" He cared about his friends but if they managed to fight Fawley off right off the bat after it took him so long, he thought he'd cry.

"No," Pete said.

"Not at all," said James, spinning around in wide circles. "But it was a lot of fun seeing my memories!"

Sirius grinned. "It's James's best dream: seeing nothing but himself."

James laughed at that. "We did get to see some damn good Quidditch plays I've done!" He did a little kick and punch, almost knocking over a suit of armor. "You know, Legalamancy would be fun to learn too, not just Occulemency."

Remus shuddered at the thought of James being able to hop into peoples' heads.

James kept yammering the entire way back, and while he stopped when other people were around… once David and Spinnet went to sleep, Remus could hear James start up again with Sirius. He started asking Sirius questions and Sirius said he couldn't help, he had no idea how he managed, he was a natural, and to ask Remus. Within seconds Remus heard a tapping at his bedpost. Sighing, he closed his book and said to 'come in'.

James scrambled into his bed, looking bright and chipper as if it wasn't nearing midnight and he had barely gotten any sleep the night before. "Heya," he whispered, crawling across Remus's legs. "Question."

"About Occlumency?"

"You're a mind-reader," he teased, plopping back against the headboard. "How do you make your mind go blank? I can't. Peter had such an easy time and I—I mean, all right, yeah, I'm not expecting to be able to do anything like that right away but Fawley said I had a busier mind than you when you started. I asked her, if you're wondering, and I simply can't!"

"Er—"

"I tried, before, you know," James continued. "When we agreed to do this, I thought I could. I thought I made my mind blank. I can't. How do you stop thinking?"

Remus chewed at his lip. "I imagine my mind to be an empty, blank book. A book with nothing but blank pages, one after another. Nothing inside. That's how I managed."

"Huh." James frowned. "Sounds boring."

"Why don't you try…" Remus tried to figure out something that might work for James. A blank mirror? An undecorated broom? "A sky. The sky. Just, the empty, cloudless sky stretching on forever."

"Hmmmm." James rubbed his chin. "An empty sky. I can try that. Thanks, mate." He pat Remus's shoulder. He asked for more tips and Remus tried the best he could to explain things, and then when they were done James thanked him again then slid his legs under the covers. "Night-night," he said, taking his glasses off and curling up next to Remus.

Remus sat there in slight shock. James was—he simply—he—he didn't even ask or anything. He just got into Remus's bed and went to sleep, like he belonged there. Remus glanced at the curtains, not sure what to do. Ask James to leave? Clear his throat? Go to the loo and hope James was gone when he returned?

Soon James's breathing slowed. He was asleep.

Remus cautiously slid down until he was laying stiffly next to James. It definitely felt different than when he shared a bed with Sirius over the summer, and also different than when all four Marauders were in bed together. It didn't feel horrible. Or bad at all. Actually, as Remus closed his eyes, he thought it was rather nice and comforting. Even when James rolled over and flung an arm across Remus's body. Like before… he liked this.

The wolf inside of him sorta liked it too.

Eventually Remus drifted into sleep, James cuddled up close against him. He woke up multiple times, since James was an active sleeper. He'd wake up with an arm across his chest or in his face, or a leg on his leg or a knee digging into his thigh. When morning properly came he woke up to find both of James's arms tight around him and James's head on his chest.

His heart spiked for a second before calming down. He lay there relishing in the lovely feeling for a moment or two and then finally he began moving, elbowing James until he woke up.