A/N: Hi all, here's the next installment of what I've cheesily dubbed 'the holey Trinity' and the one where sh*t starts to hit the fan. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it! And if you did, please show some love in a review, follow, or fav! Those never fail to make my day 3

It takes Levi a while to prepare the guest bedroom for the elder Mr. And Mrs. Ackerman. When he is done catering to their whims ("I will only take sheets that have had three wash-and-iron cycles. The creases here tell me they've only had two.") and follies ("Give me the floor boy, soft beds break hard backs!"), he finally finds time to grab a quick snack before retiring to the bedroom. He finds Mikasa in the plush brown armchair by the double windows engaged in a phone call.

" - please, if you can - half past ten - of course not, he'd love to see you! - thanks so much, good night and Merry Christmas." He watches her hang up and place her phone on the night-table with a sigh. He folds his arms and makes a noise of disapproval as she snaps to attention.

"When were you going to introduce me to them?"

"I'm sorry." She says, rising to her feet while she fidgets with the hem of her white night-gown. "I didn't think they would drop by like that - "

"Because you were hoping they'd stay away for the rest of our lives, so you wouldn't have to tell them about me?"

"That was the hope."

"Well that hope was crushed the moment they saw me mooning them through the windows whilst splayed on top of their daughter like a creep." Levi clicks his tongue in annoyance. "So are you going to tell me what happened between you and your folks? Don't think I didn't feel the gangrene creeping up on me when you locked eyes with your dad."

"You've seen how mom is. As for dad - I really don't want to talk about it."

"Even if I didn't want to give a flying - " He begins, but stops at the miserable look Mikasa shoots him. After two more failed starts, he finally opens his mouth to say the only thing his weakened mind will allow him to say. "Look, I signed that marriage contract for a reason, and nothing anyone says or does will make me change my mind. If it makes you happy, I will work for their blessing. Hell, we can even have another wedding ceremony and let Braus and Braun remind everyone that they're aliens from another planet. Just don't make me spend my life pretending we're not married."

"Thank you." Mikasa sighs with relief. "The good news is, I think you've already convinced mom. She sounded shocked when you told them we live together, but she'll get over it soon enough, as long as you indulge her inner neat freak. The difficult one is my dad, but I have an idea."

Through the glass reflection he can see a determined glint enter her eye and is mollified that she has faithfully adopted his elite 'twist-and-swipe' surface cleaning technique. He wonders whether, if put to the task, the elder Mrs. Ackerman could do a better job.

"Have you ever been to church before?"

The only time he had been to a church was when Kenny had snuck him into the sacristy to pilfer bread and wine. But the fact remains that he knows next to nothing about church ceremonies, never mind how anybody who is part of a cult can turn out normal afterwards.

"It's not a cult, it's a community." Mikasa corrects him sternly. "Shiganshina was a small farmers' town and community was everything. Dad would love it if you took an hour of your morning to take him to church, and on such an important day no less."

"Will you come as well?"

"I can't. Mom wants to visit a grand-aunt in town who suffers from severe bouts of narcolepsy, and on Sundays the care home only allows visitors in the mornings. If I don't take her tomorrow she'll get all huffy and accuse me of sleeping on the job."

"Touché."

"Armin's busy tomorrow, but I called Eren and he said he can make it to church so you won't be alone with dad."

"Does he really need to be there?"

"Does a sheep need a shepherd to protect him from the big bad wolf?"

"I resent that analogy." Levi glares. But he has little objection to make besides his own suspicion, and so it is decided that Eren will accompany him and Mr. Ackerman to church.

"The boy's not answering his cell?" Mr. Ackerman grumbles.

"Get creative with the phrasing all you like, but the answer's still the same." Levi replies tersely. True to the form of model parishioners, they'd arrived ten minutes prior to the service, giving Eren, in Levi's view, a cushy interval to materialise within. Yet in the time Eren spent dithering elsewhere, the elder Mr. Ackerman had infuriated a young woman ("Are ye goin' tuh church or the chicken house?") and given no few children nightmares ("The ghosts in the churchyard will steal ye in yer beds an' drag ye into their tombstones, what with the ruckus yer making"). Levi merely keeps his head to the ground and watches the ivy on the church wall continues its insidious inch ever closer to his shoe. But although the air turns sourer and sourer with the elder Mr. Ackerman's temper, of Eren, not a single strand of spiky, brown hair is to be seen.

"He should take a few straws from yer haystack and learn how to be on time." Mr. Ackerman, tired of his haunting of the local parishioners, turns his attention son-in-law-ward. His eyes slide sideways, catching onto the soft white cloth about Levi's neck. "Though with that thing yer wearin', ye look like ye could eat tuh whole Communion loaf. The Good Lord loves ye, but he don' love ye that much."

"There wasn't much to eat anyway." Levi mutters, annoyed that the old grouch had equated his cravat to a baby's bib. He turns his gaze on the Mitras Church of the Virgin Mary but does not have the time to appreciate it before Mr. Ackerman sucks in a breath deep enough to extinguish a house fire.

"Did ye drink last night? Ye smell like stale wine."

"No I did not." Levi insists, objectively offended.

A merry bell tinkles inside the church and Mr. Ackerman's eyes bulge in their sockets.

"Mass is starting. Where is that boy?!"

"You go on ahead. I'll see if I can get ahold of Eren." Levi says. Mr. Ackerman nods at him and trudges down the gravel path, joining the other parishioners as they file into the church.

Levi pulls his phone from his pocket. It is ice cold to the touch and hisses when he presses the screen. It takes him a second to realise the hiss isn't coming from his phone, but from a bush to the right.

"Levi!"

Eren emerges. He is dressed in an outfit that would have been Sunday's best if it had not been mercilessly exposed to the debaucheries of Saturday night. The jacket and pant legs are ripped, the top buttons of his crinkled, white-collared shirt are undone, small twigs cling to his nest of brown hair, and his chest heaves with the consequence of extreme physical exertion. He stumbles when he takes a step forward, narrowly missing Levi as he narrowly careens into the tree just behind to offer a glimpse of an angry red hickey on his neck and a whiff of stale alcohol.

"Nobody needs you here showing off your overnight conquests." He hisses.

"I promised Mikasa I'd be here, and I'm here." Eren winces as he clutches his head. "So help a persistent do-gooder out here, won't you?"

"I'm not helping you till you tell me what hole you've crawled out of. You probably have germs crawling all over you."

"You're cruel." Eren grumbles, but relents when he finds little sympathy in Levi's glare. "Fine, but only because I don't remember much anyway. Now check inside the church, will you? There's a toilet in the reception area we can hide in."

Levi pries the heavy oak door open and pokes his head inside. The large reception area Eren mentions is deserted as the devoted parishioners have all filtered past the second set of doors at the other end and into the adjoining church hall. Levi spots the men's to the left. After finding it also devoid of human life, he beckons Eren inside. A flurry of activity ensues as skin is scrubbed, twigs are removed, and hair is combed over. Levi clicks his tongue when he examines Eren's clothes.

"This won't do. Use my coat for now, but don't you dare go home the same way you got here." He pulls his long coat off and thrusts it towards Eren, but Eren doesn't take it, instead choosing to keep his hands suspiciously concealed behind his back.

"Come on." He insists impatiently.

"Wait - "

Levi drops his coat. Eren catches it on reflex; his face turns redder than Rudolph's nose as a set of pink-furred handcuffs swings from his right wrist and clinks against the sink. Schadenfreude tickles a delicious path up Levi's spine.

"Need I say more?" Eren asks.

"Please." Levi purrs.

Eren huffs, jamming the handcuffs into one sleeve before easing into the coat. Levi makes a mental note to disinfect it three times over and burn it after.

"Evergreen trees, turkey, presents…those are some of the best things about Christmas. Every year I spent it with my family until my parents passed away, and after that it was always with Mikasa and Armin. But this year Armin was over at Annie's. Mikasa came over for a bit, but she didn't stay long because she wanted to be home for you. Christmas is supposed to be the happiest time of year, but it sucks when you've got no one to spend it with…"

Levi imagines Mikasa waiting at home the previous evening in excitement and stark anticipation. He'd robbed her of that excitement, and now that he thinks about it, hadn't he forgotten to buy her a present? He shifts on his feet, annoyed that Eren had somehow managed to make him feel guilty, and it wasn't even his fault.

"…anyway, I decided to stop moping and get off my ass. I went downtown, wandered into a bar. I know I had quite a few, cause…cause…"

Levi leaps back as Eren lurches over the sink and retches. He groans when nothing comes out and wipes the back of his hand across his mouth with a shuddering breath.

"When I woke up, I found myself somewhere that wasn't my house. There was a clock on the nightstand. I remembered I'd promised Mikasa to join you and her dad for church, so I legged it over."

"Wouldn't it have been better to just go home?"

Fear flashes through Eren's eyes. "You mad? Mikasa's dad would skin me alive if I didn't show up to church!"

Levi envies Mr. Ackerman to be so fear-inspiring as to make Eren forget the greater scourge of lost reputation and public opinion.

"And you still want to see him the way you are?"

"Maybe not. But, hey, I dragged myself all the way here, may as well go the whole nine yards." Eren grimaces as the handcuffs clink together beneath his sleeve.

"Get real, Jaeger. You're not fit to see anyone now."

"No! I'm fine. Real peachy. I - I - " Eren staggers with a groan. Levi catches him, but almost collapses beneath his weight. They stumble against the sink, and Eren's face turns a greenish hue that should only ever see the light of day through the skin of a vegetable dumpling. Levi sighs. While playing babysitter is the last thing he wants to do, it is clear that Eren is unfit to go anywhere unaccompanied. That he'd even made it to the church is a downright miracle.

"Fine. But you're not seeing the old man, and I'm not letting you out of my sight."

"Mr. Ackerman…"

"The only Ackerman you're seeing up close today is me. In fact, if I'd had a choice, you wouldn't even have seen me today. I've got enough mess on my hands making a good impression on Mikasa's old man, never mind dressing you up and making sure you don't make fools of us both in public."

He pulls his cravat off his neck and ties it around Eren's neck, ensuring the hickey is covered before half-leading, half-carrying him to the door.

"So let me get this right. You got drunk, had a one night stand, and still decided it would be a good idea to see Mikasa's dad at church the next morning."

"Eurgh..."

"With a set of handcuffs."

Eren stays silent.

"From God knows where."

"That's blasphemous." Eren accuses.

"Well good thing you're here, because when we enter the church I know which one of us he would strike down first." Levi smirks.

As Levi predicts, God strikes Eren. Hard.

"Could that woman have worn a gaudier dress today?" Eren moans to Levi. The woman sitting in front of them shifts in her seat, dazzling them in an assault of garishly bright yellows, greens, and pinks.

"Think of fresh air and sunny parks."

"I need sunglasses to block out this broad." Eren slumps forward. Levi grabs his shoulder and yanks him back before he faceplants into said woman. "How much longer?"

"The priest is still talking Something about finding love in the unlikeliest of places. I think he knows you're here."

Eren groans, buries his head in his hands, and rocks back and forth.

Bored, Levi looks towards the front. Their seat is partially obscured by a large pillar, but the clear area gives him a perfect view of his father-in-law, who sits further in front next to a young girl with similar, sand-coloured locks. Rapt gazes fixed on the babbling priest, looking for all the world like a model father-daughter couple. Levi's mind wanders to Mikasa. How had she fallen apart with her father so badly? Had she done something truly terrible, or had he been too hard on her?

The service carries on in a crawl as Levi mimics the congregation. Sit, stand, blether, stand, sit, kneel, stand, blether, blether. Disaster threatens when the other parishioners form a line towards the front of the church for 'Commy-inn' (as Eren calls it); the process, Levi realises, in which they are to receive the thin wafer and wine. Mr. Ackerman, on rising to join the queue, turns and sets his gaze onto a catastrophic collision path ending in debauched, destroyed Eren. Levi ducks beneath the pew and pulls Eren to his knees. Eren's elbows clash against the pew in front as head sinks into clasped hands. Mr. Ackerman's gaze sweeps over their heads and returns to the front, but Levi does not miss the spark of rage in his eyes.

"What a pious Christian," he hears a woman say of Eren in passing. The observation sets astir in his chest a bubbling pot of diabolical mirth that momentarily overshadows his trepidation.

But Eren is too unwell to maintain his holy façade, for as the priest returns to the altar, his neck jerks forward and a retch leaps from the pits of his gut, only to be reeled back at the last moment. The woman behind starts at the sound, amplified especially for her own ear and, on seeing Eren's ghoulish face just behind, gathers her things and hastens for the exit. Levi clicks his tongue.

"Time to go."

"Wait - "

But he doesn't have the patience to wait for Eren to spew sick on the rest of the unsuspecting congregation. He drags the hapless brat to his feet and hurries him to the doors, breathing a sigh of relief only when he has kicked his way out of the building and feels the sting of cool air against his burning cheeks. Just inside, the choir has begun their final refrain. He figures he has enough time to dispose of the peaky-looking man partially draped over his shoulders before Mr. Ackerman emerges.

"Sorry, man…" Eren says weakly. "I know this was s'posed to be your time to impress Mikasa's old man…"

"I'll manage." Then, in his reluctance to let Eren off the hook entirely, he adds: "Though I've had easier tasks to achieve in a day."

"He giving you a hard time?" Eren asks.

"It could be easier." Levi admits. "You know he was terrorising the kids before you came, right?"

"Sounds like him alright." Eren chuckles and grimaces at the pain in his head. "He never liked me either."

Levi stares at him in surprise.

"He was real nice when I was a kid, but when we were older he turned sour."

"Why?"

"Dunno. When Mikasa called yesterday I thought maybe enough time's passed that he's flipped back to mister nice man, but from the little I've seen and heard, I now know better." Eren suddenly presses a hand to his stomach suddenly and leans on Levi with a groan. "Think I'm done for the day. I owe you one."

He has more questions, but he has a feeling that Eren isn't going to answer them. "Good enough. Let's get you a cab."

At that moment, an Orvud coasta car pulls into the gravel driveway, tinted windows keeping out the discerning light of the sun as the engine purring to a slow halt. Eren starts against Levi; his face turns as white as a sheet.

"Get me away from him…!"

"Who?"

"The guy in that car!"

"Don't be stupid." Levi growls, nudging Eren upright. "You think you can run right now?"

The arm around Levi's shoulder curls inward, breaking past his cushy bubble of privacy to jam against his windpipe.

"What the h-hell, Jaeger…!" He splutters. He pulls at the arm cutting his breath short, but to no avail. It's hard to imagine that the boy who'd barely been able to keep his head up a few minutes ago is the same person trapping him in a choke hold.

"Sorry, I know you've done a lot for me already but I need you to do this. Pretend you're dating me."

"What?"

"Just do it."

"Why?"

"Do I need to tell you everything?" Eren scowls. "Fine! I slept with the guy who owns that car, and I need him out of my hair. Happy?"

Levi blinks in surprise. In the few years he'd known Eren, the brat had always been talking about this girl or that chick, but never about that dude. Since when had Eren been gay? Despite the dangerously low supply of air to his lungs, hilarity bubbles in his chest. By this calculation, Eren is now free to enjoy all of Mikasa's favour, and then some.

"Why can't you just be honest with him?"

The arm around his neck tightens even further, squeezing him back to sobriety.

"Fine, just this once."

Eren's arm relaxes from death grip to jovial cuddle as Levi flounders. How does one appear gay? Images of jaunty and flirtatious drag queens from over-the-top reality TV shows come to mind. He sneaks a side glance at Eren, noting how he looks anything but. Then again, Eren didn't have to pretend; he just was. Levi juts an awkward arm out on his hip and crooks his leg to an 'oh snap' angle. Eren looks down at him and scowls.

"Act normal. You look like you've thrown out your hip."

He opens his mouth to retort, but the comeback dies in his throat as the driver of the coasta car step outs. It is a slim young man with silver hair dressed in a stylish brown trenchcoat. Levi's mouth falls open as ecstatic exclamations drift into his mind amidst the syncopated beats of electronic and house hits.

"Is that Eren dancing with Jean?"

"Titans alive, the sky is going to fall!"

"Levi's gonna have a hefty bar tab tomorrow!"

The urge to leg it out of that festering drama pit and wait in a bomb shelter for the whole shit-storm to blow over is strong. But he swears that Eren has suddenly gained the power to read people's minds, for his arm has already closed in around his neck once more, precluding his escape.

"If you don't help me, I'll tell Mr. Ackerman you and Mikasa are married."

"If I'd known you were seeing Jean…!"

But there is nothing more he can say as Jean makes quick work of the driveway and approaches throwing distance. Up close, Levi notices that despite his polished dress, there are small changes in Jean's appearance that suggest something all not right with him. His silver hair is scruffy, likely ravaged by multiple rakings of fingers. His yellow eyes, rimmed with dark circles, stare angrily towards Eren, who despite his hangover has pasted on his face a deceptively winsome smile.

The creaking of wood and the low murmur of voices behind them is like the firing pistol signaling the start of a race. Levi dons his best bitch face and puts his hand on his hip as he fixes Jean with a sullen glare. If he wants to resolve this awkward matter before Mr. Ackerman emerges, he will have to do it quickly.

"Horse face. Got baptised so you could come close to the church?" Eren calls out.

"You left. I thought I'd come looking for you in case you were off wreaking havoc somewhere." Jean says. If he notices Levi firmly lodged beneath Eren's armpit, he does not let on.

"You were too late." Levi mutters beneath his breath and receives a sharp nudge in the side for his remark.

"Who do you think you are, my mom?" Eren deadpans. "How'd you even think to come here?"

"I remembered you saying something about church. You shouldn't be here in this state." Jean tills another row of hair across his scalp.

"I felt bad for getting drunk and crashing at yours so I left early. Sorry for being drunk."

"You getting drunk isn't the problem, it's this." Jean snaps, waving broadly towards them. "Your denial. When are you going to stop roping other people into your mess? On that note," he turns for the first time towards Levi, "don't feel like you have to defend this idiot. I suggest you split, this is between me and him."

"I'd love to," Levi says. He tries to pull away from Eren, but when the latter's arm holds fast still, he concedes. "but I can't. We're together."

"And you're not married to Mikasa." Jean snorts. "Don't play me for a fool."

"See? I told you he wouldn't believe me." Levi shrugs.

"Yeah? That's his problem then." Eren says, his arm moving down to circle Levi's waist with possessive tightness. Levi clenches his jaw at the painful pinch at his middle, followed by the fiercely whispered 'Behave' in his ear. The murmuring behind them grows louder. Any moment now, Mr. Ackerman would come out and see him and Eren pressed together tighter than two sardines in a tin can. Scanning the area, Levi spots a small cluster of snow-topped trees with piles of snow for bushes gathered beneath.

"Let's talk over there. I don't want us to be seen like this."

"He's still finalising the divorce with Mikasa." Eren explains to a hesitant Jean. "I didn't want to break things to you like this, but we're going exclusive. Come on, hon." They push past Jean into a cluster of bushes surrounded by trees.

"No! What about the things you said last ni - yesterday?" Jean insists, racing after them. His tone takes on a desperate whine as he turns from hungry wolf into abandoned puppy. He turns on Levi as Eren hesitates. "And you! You can't be cheating on Mikasa."

Somewhere behind them, he catches the jovial rumble of Mr. Ackerman's voice in conversation with the parish priest. A chill runs through him, and he isn't entirely sure it's simply from the cold.

"Shut your trap and scram." He growls.

"I don't believe it!"

He'd wasted enough time listening to their squabble. With a flick of his wrist, Levi grabs Eren by one handcuff and yanks him in. Jean's hope would die by a kiss. But a kiss where? A kiss on the lips would be like a shot to the head. Swift, but perhaps too swift to kill Jean's sensibilities, and the sharpest of swords would not kill him fast enough should he find out where Eren's lips had been. There, however…

He cranks Eren's head eighty five degrees church-ward and plants a kiss on his cheek. A growl rumbles past his lips as Eren's hand tugs on his shirt, and he makes a prompt note to forward him the bill for his dry-cleaning later. He pulls away.

"H-Huh…" Eren's breaths come shallow, his pupils dilated in shock. Beside them, Jean stands in shock. Like a fire starved of oxygen, his passion is all but choked away, and his gaunt face yawns long enough to give fresh inspiration to a thousand variations of Edvard Munch's 'Scream'. Levi studies the result with grim satisfaction.

"Still in doubt?"

"No. No, I…" Jean's voice breaks. "I've had enough."

He turns tail and pulls himself free of the bushes, drudging a sullen path through the snow back towards his car. When he is out of earshot, Eren whirls on Levi.

"That kiss was amazing! No wonder Mikasa started dating you."

"I'll remind you that I'm happily married." Levi says acidly. He pulls his hot water thermos from his inner coat and takes a generous swig before swishing and spitting on the ground. Eren chews his lip and glances at the coasta car clearing the corner.

"Funny though…I should be happier about this than I am."

"You mean 'thank you'. Unlike you, I didn't mind Kirstein too much. And now he thinks I'm cheating on Mikasa. How are you going to fix that?"

"Don't worry, I'm on it." Eren promises. "But first, I've got to get this infernal thing off my wrist."

"Just get a lockpick. Now scram. I've got a father-in-law to appease, and I'm starting to freeze out here." He denies Eren's offer to return his coat and cravat.

"I'll return them clean. At least I'm feeling a bit better now. Gonna head home now, say sorry to Mikasa's old man for me." Eren hauls himself out of the bushes and almost crashes into the fence of the neighbouring lot. He takes a few paces before turning back to look at Levi. He taps his cheek with a lopsided grin. "By the way. Any chance you might actually be…?"

"No."

"Right. Thanks again." And off he goes, tripping and stumbling down the lane towards freedom.

Levi heaves a sigh and rubs his forehead in contemplation of all the added complexities Eren had just introduced into his life. First and foremost is Jean. Despite Eren's clever mention of a divorce, the prospect of Jean's calling Mikasa and conveying the notion of his cheating is not an impossible one. Currently facing him, however, is the more urgent issue of his father-in-law. How would he explain his absence in church?

I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, Levi decides. For now, he only wants to be able to feel his fingers again. Luck allowing, he could also sneak back into the bathroom in the church and wash himself up before going to find his father-in-law. He picks his way through the gnarly bushes, but upon setting foot on the snow-shoveled path, comes up against a wall of heaving chest. In that exact moment, Levi realises that he has not found, but rather, been found.