You can do this.
It's just a room.
It holds no power over you.
You got out and they can't hurt you anymore.
You're safe now.
This is one step closer to taking these bastards down for good.
Pansy repeated these words like a mantra over and over in her head as she got herself dressed into her death eater robes and gathered up her wand and mask and stashed the vial of hemlock in her inner pocket.
The boys had been fussing over her all day, going between a state of repeating similar statements to the ones repeating now in her head and going silent, acting like she was made of glass and was on the edge of a counter where the slightest movement would send her tumbling down and breaking to pieces.
She could deal with the words of encouragement, as annoying as they were, but if there was one thing Pansy Parkinson would not tolerate when it was aimed towards her it was pity. Pity, in her mind, equated to the notion that she was too weak to complete this mission and she had spent too damn long feeling weak and helpless at the hands of those monsters to allow fear to control her now.
No, this mission, this blatant act of treachery towards the men who thought they had her loyalty even after the suffering she had been subjected to under their hands, this opportunity to finally do something on her own to hit them with a heavy blow, it was her chance to widen the crack in their hierarchy that would hopefully lead to their ultimate demise.
When the death eaters managed to look into Shaklebolts mind, the last dregs of the order would be obliterated and that just wouldn't do. They were going to need the order eventually if they really wanted to end this.
Pansy stopped and looked at herself in the mirror. It was something she usually avoided doing these days at all costs. While once she would have looked upon herself and although, like every other young girl, she would always look for the smallest of what she perceived to be flaws, she could also admit to herself that she was pretty. Now when she looked at herself she could see the small scars she carried from her time captive as a breed mule created from the abuse she endured. Of course most of them had healed, but those from dark objects never would and Nott Sr. had a particular proclivity for objects that would leave permanent reminders.
Avery had been the first to be gifted with her by the Dark Lord. He had taken many things from her, her choice, her dignity, her virginity and the first ounces of her hope. She remembers how he was surprised of her pureness when she had bleed after the first time he raped her, laughing at her and goading her on about how boys obviously found her repulsive if she was still intact. Truthfully, and much to what she was sure would be disbelief to all but those she kept close (rumours and lies in a school setting are a bitch after all), she had been keeping herself for marriage. There weren't many of the pureblood customs she had been happy to abide by growing up, but this was one she always liked the thought of.
Yes, Avery took many things from her, but he could never completely break her, never make her completely lose hope that things would get better.
Thamuz Nott, on the other hand, took everything from her. She knew the unending cruelty the man possessed from the way he had abused his own son and having grown up with Theo, she had witnessed it on more than one occasion. However, witnessing it and experiencing it were two completely different things. He scrapped every last fragment of hope, every last drop of sanity and every last piece of herself she had managed to hold on to, and in its place had left a vessel that she thought she would never again fill with joy or happiness or even the feeling of contentment.
Being released from his captivity thanks to Draco had been nowhere near enough to ignite any semblance of herself again. It had been a long journey to find a part of a person she recognised within herself again, and her boys had ensured they did everything in their power to get her there. Draco's fierce protectivness had made her begin to feel safe and comfortable, Theo's understanding of how bad things were for her with his father without the words having to be spoken, and Blaise coaxing her to talk through her pain and solidarity as a rape victim due to his first step father as a child, got her through it. The strength these men had shown and the things they had overcome gave her the surge of confidence that she too could come out the other side of this.
They were all broken pieces of the same puzzle. Alone they couldn't amount to much, but together they fitted perfectly as one to make a beautifully damned picture.
They gave each other a solid ground to stand on, an anchor to tether them to the present and support when one of them didn't have the strength to hold themselves up. Together they had a place where it was okay to allow pain to take over, to collapse in anguish when needed and a crutch to lean on until you could stand back up again on your own.
Thinking about all they had endured both individually and together, looking at the scars of her own personal hell evandent still upon her skin, filled her with the anger and the determination she would need to complete this mission. To venture down into her past prison to complete it and to hold herself together when she was certain she would be consumed by guilt in the part she was about to play in the death of a good man, even if he would be dying willingly.
She took a deep breath, turning from her reflection and exiting her room to make her way to the living room to face the others before she would have to leave.
The moment she entered the room she was met by three sets of eyes.
One set grey, one green and the other brown. All equally full of concern and anguish at the realisation that the time had come for her to go.
Anyone of them would have taken her place without a second's thought, but she was the only one who could fulfil this particular task without suspicion, she was the only one who was stationed at Nott manor and she alone had to face her darkest demons by walking down into that dungeon and doing what needed to be done.
She had been to Nott manor since taking the mark, that in itself wasn't the part she feared, but she hadn't stepped foot anywhere near the vicinity of her once prison and honestly, she had never let herself imagine it would have been something she would have had to face again.
Theo jumped up from the couch and crossed the room in three strides, enveloping her in his arms.
"It's not too late to change your mind. I promise you that nobody will hold it against you if you do. Salazar, I think we would all prefer it if you did." She could hear the pain in his voice at the end even as he followed with a forced laugh.
He placed his lips at her ear, whispering so she was the only one who could hear his next words.
"Pansy please don't do this. Being stationed as guard is one thing, but if he catches you down near the dungeons where you aren't supposed to be he will make a point of using it to convince the Dark Lord to let him have you again. We both know what he's capable of and I know there's a lot more to what he put you through than what you told us."
She could feel the wetness on her cheek and pulled back, raising her hands to wipe the tears from under his eyes.
Out of everyone, he was the only one that truly understood the sadistic nature of the man that had broken her, and her heart shattered thinking how impossibly brave it was that he had survived his entire life subjected to tourture at the hands of his father.
She promises herself then and there that Thamuz Nott will not survive the end of this hell of a war, even if he has to meet his ends at her own hands.
"I'm sorry Theo but I need to do this."
Pansy almost breaks when she sees his solemn nod and he steps back averting his eyes to the ground, lifting his hand to swipe away the few stray tears that are escaping.
Blaise approaches her next, pulling her into a hug. "I believe in you Pans, you're one of the bravest people I know and you're going to be fine."
He kisses her on the cheek, stepping back to look at her with a soft reassuring smile.
Draco was pacing furiously in front of the fire, stopping every so often, opening his mouth as if to speak and then nodding his head and continuing on with his attempt at burning a hole in the floor with his constant back and forth.
She watches him for a moment, trying to give him the time to process his thoughts into whatever it is he wants to say.
Eventually he stops, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a packet of cigarettes, placing one in his mouth and lighting it with a click of his fingers.
Blaise makes an exaggerated coughing noise behind her to which Draco rolls his eyes and makes his way towards the doors to the balcony, turning to look at Pansy and gesturing to her to follow him before moving through the door.
She slid the door shut behind her and made her way over to where he was leaning against the balcony looking out towards the sky, reached over and plucked the cigarette from between his fingers. He turned to look at her with an eyebrow raised, one side of his mouth raising in a smirk as she coughed on the first drag.
"Taking up smoking now?" he asked with amusement.
"I need something to calm my nerves and going into a mission piss drunk doesn't exactly seem like the best idea." she shrugged.
The smirk immediately fell from his face and he busied himself with reaching for his cigarette packet again and lighting himself another, lighting it and looking back out towards the night sky, clearly trying to gather himself and decide on what it was he wanted to say to her.
Pansy found she got the hang of smoking by around the third drag and could feel the slight dizzying effect when she held it in her lungs for longer. It was calming, if not for the fact that it was giving her something to concentrate on, then for the fact that at least this was one thing that could damage her health that she had full control over tonight.
"I know we have all repeatedly told you that you don't have to do this and I know that except for what you told me and the things I have witnessessed him do to Theo growing up, I have no idea just how bad things were for you at Nott Manor, but i can imagine and I am certain even what I have in my head is nowhere near as bad."
Draco paused tacking the last few drags of his smoke before waving a hand and vanishing the butt and turning to her, placing a steady hand on each of her shoulders.
Pansy looked up to meet his eyes, the grey looking almost metallic the way they shone in the moonlight. He had always been good at hiding himself on the outside, but anybody who truly knew him could always see everything they needed to know written in those eyes.
His hands may be steady as he grips her shoulders, but his eyes reflected how torn up he was with worry and anger on the inside.
"I'm not going to say it again and I'm not going to ask you to stay. I know how stubborn you can be and it's clear you have made up your mind. I just wanted you to know that I do understand why, I understand the urge to prove you can stand alone and I most definitely understand the urge to do something that will aid in taking those bastards down. Most of all I understand the belief you have that pulling something like this off under the very nose of the person you hate more than anybody else in this world will bring you some sort of comfort and will ease the weight of the pain he caused you, if even just a little. I would be lying to you if I said it doesn't feel good to know you got one up on them."
Pansy could feel the tears starting to pull at her eyes and internally cursed herself for allowing herself to shed them yet again tonight.
"So I'm not going to beg you yet again to reconsider. I am, however, going to make you promise me that the first sign of trouble and you get out of there, mission completed or not. Do you hear me? I don't care if you finish what you went there to do. We can come up with another plan. We can't come up with another you."
She poured every piece of sincerity she could muster into her voice. "I promise."
And with that she turned and disapperated on the spot.