DISCLAIMER: Everything in the Harry Potter universe belongs to JK Rowling.
"So the boy . . . the boy must die?" asked Severus quite calmly.
"And Voldemort himself must do it, Severus. That is essential."
Another long silence. Then Severus said, "I thought . . . all these years . . . that we were protecting him for her. For Lily."
"We have protected him because it has been essential to teach him, to raise him, to let him try his strength," said Dumbledore, his eyes still tight shut. "Meanwhile, the connection between them grows ever stronger, a parasitic growth: Sometimes I have thought he suspects it himself. If I know him, he will have arranged matters so that when he does set out to meet his death, it will truly mean the end of Voldemort."
Dumbledore opened his eyes. Severus was horrified.
"You have used me."
"Meaning?"
"I have spied for you and lied for you, put myself in mortal danger for you. Everything was supposed to be to keep Lily Potter's son safe. Now you tell me you have been raising him like a pig for slaughter —"
Severus' world was falling apart.
He had returned from Dumbledore's office after midnight and he had been sitting at his desk in the dark since then. The castle was silent. The dungeon cold. Severus Snape was buried in life.
His brain was still malfunctioning. He couldn't process anything. He felt disconnected from himself. There were no words inside his mind, barely any images. He wasn't alone, however.
Lily was there. She had been with him all night, silently staring at him. He could imagine her eyes, sad and penetrating. She didn't need to say anything; Severus already felt it all. No words whatsoever. He was still not ready for words.
Had the castle ever been more haunted?
"Oh, Lily!" he finally whispered.
What else could he say? Severus was falling, and the abysm promised to be eternal. No point in screaming, nor crying, nor anything at all. The horror was just too overwhelming. His mind couldn't bear to process his reality.
He went about his routine like another ghost. Maybe he would die of shock and become another Binns. Was he even still corporeal? He weakly stared at his hands. It was as if he was seeing them for the first time in more than a decade.
"Are you all right, Severus?" Minerva asked beside him.
He looked up, vaguely surprized to find himself in the Great Hall. It was lunch. There were hundreds of children down there. In one of the tables there was a child who had been raised as a pig for slaughter. And Severus had helped. His eyes slowly searched the Hall, vision slightly unfocused, until they finally found him. Potter. Just like his father. Lily's son.
"Severus?"
He wrenched his impaired attention from the boy and looked at his left. Minerva was looking at him with concern.
"What?"
"Are you all right?"
He just stared at her. She had been his Transfiguration's teacher. Lily's too. How had he forgotten that? What would she think if she knew?
"Fine," he finally said.
The rest of the day passed in a blur.
Another haunted night. This time Severus at least laid down and tried to sleep. Maybe he did sleep a little. When he opened his eyes in the darkness he felt her right beside him. She still said nothing. There were no words. Would his life be like this from now on? Could he even function as a spy in this state?
A spy.
He had been used.
"And what will you give me in return, Severus?"
"Anything."
It hadn't been enough. Not enough. Lily...
"I wish . . . I wish I were dead. . . ."
"And what use would that be to anyone?"
He should just have died. What use had he been? He had only...
"If you loved Lily Evans, if you truly loved her, then your way forward is clear."
"Oh, Lily!"
There were no words coming from the dead. Why didn't she say anything? He had been listening to her for fifteen years. Say something, please.
Silence.
"...then your way forward is clear."
It had been clear. Then why had he been walking in the opposite direction?
What was he supposed to do now?
Dumbledore.
Something resembling a feeling was taking form inside him, but to his relief he was still mostly outside of his body. He could see that Severus Snape didn't want to think that name. Severus Snape still wasn't ready for words.
The days flew by in a haze, and he still couldn't find the words nor bear the feelings. Some indifferent part of him wondered if it would always be like this from now on. He suspected it would be best. He feared this blessed disconnection would eventually lift, and then Severus would never be able to stop screaming. Or crying.
When Saturday arrived, he was still lost. A silent Lily followed him around, denying him her words. How could an imaginary presence be so stubborn? Shouldn't she say whatever he wanted her to say?
And then someone told him. These words he did hear.
"Weasley's in the infirmary. He was poisoned. Potter saved him."
He looked up, feeling some measure of reality returning to him.
"What?"
"There was a poisoned mead. Slughorn shared it with Potter and Weasley, and..."
"What?"
He was suddenly completely present where he was, and he realized it was the staff room. Minerva was sitting across him, and clearly it had been she who had been speaking.
"Really, Severus! What is it with you?"
"Potter was almost poisoned?"
"We don't know. Slughorn might have been the target."
"Or Potter."
"It does seem like it might have been a coincidence that the boys were there. Potter didn't drink the mead. It was very close, though..."
Very close.
"...then your way forward is clear."
For her. Always.
There were very few things Severus was certain in his life. Until a few days ago, that his way forward was protecting Lily's son had been the main one. Almost the only one. He had lost that the moment Dumbledore had told him that the boy had to die.
But why did he have to listen to Dumbledore? It had always been for Lily, not for Dumbledore.
What do you say, Lily?
He didn't need the words, of course. That's why she was silent. The way forward was still clear.
Protecting Lily's son. That didn't have to change. Severus' world could still stand. He would just have to find another way forward.