"Granger?" He tapped with a sharpness and persistence that felt like a beak on her skull. His knuckle rapping against the frosted glass pane in her door, just under the 'H' of 'Deputy Head of Department'. "I demand to speak to someone from Magical Creatures!" his knocking was consistent and unbroken and made her feel like she could sprout talons and rip the skin from his skeleton in one swoop.
"Not today Satan." Hermione responded from somewhere in the nest of paper she called a workspace, "I don't have time for you!" she groaned when he ignored her and pushed his way into her office uninvited.
"Make time, woman." he huffed, peering over the file mountain behind which she hunched.
"what? What is it now?" she threw her quill down onto her desk and stood, knocking a perilous mound of parchment to the ground "what could you possibly need from me today Malfoy?" she threw her arms in the air and stared at him, waiting for a response. He was in her office at least twice a week. "What is it this time? Your unicorn farm needs expanding? Do you need more permits for Giant-born labourers in your quarry? Need to know the legality of breeding blast-ended skrewts for your families overseas, fucking potion emporiums? What?" Her voice was shrill, but she had nothing left in her tank except fury and acid. She was practically running a department alone, and he took up such a lot of her precious time.
"it is my elves." he ignored her screaming, sitting comfortably down on the empty chair across from her. "I need help with my elf situation," he said solemnly, calmly like a man who wasn't looking at a woman on the verge of a breakdown.
"You're scheduled for a home visit in a week. You can get help then!" she took a shuddering breath in and a slow one out, desperate to calm herself lest she cries in front of Malfoy, of all people.
"Why can't I tell you about my problem now, then when you come in a week, you'll be better equipped to help me!" He stomped in frustration. His elf problem was very much her problem.
"Because it's not done like that. You get an at-home assessment, then we devise a strategy for whatever your problem and then we execute said strategy… when the budget and manpower are available" her voice was beginning to tremble again.
"Granger… that is the single most stupid…" he started, but she stopped him with raised hands and a high pitch.
"Malfoy… please give me a break, OK?" her mouth felt dry as she opted to beg, "I'm alone here."
"where on Merlin's name are your staff?"
"Three of them got venereal Dragon Pox…" she tightened her lips and stared him down.
"From each other?" he blinked. This was the kind of office drama he lived for. Half the reason he spent so much time in the ministry was the gossip. The other half was split between running his company and Granger's penchant for a pencil skirt. Merlin bless the muggles and their appreciation for an arse.
"James, my file clerk, gave it to Celia, who's a junior in the department who gave it to Marcus, her fiancé… my beast wrangler." she picked up some files. She shuffled them. "Usually, I wouldn't gossip about their private lives and medical issues, but this issue is no longer private as Marcus attacked James with a trained falcon in the corridor three days ago while screaming 'POX WHORE'. To top it all off, my head of department, while trying to break up the altercation, accidentally killed Chauncey the Falcon and has had to take time off to deal with the emotional baggage that comes with murdering a bird." her eye twitched. "He's a vegan."
"So you can't help me with the elf situation?" he smirked, knowing full well it would send her into a rage. Perhaps enough that she'd storm out and show him her back.
"Oh for god's sake, Malfoy!" she leapt to her feet and reached violently into the deluge of papers littering her desk. "You only ever think of yourself!" she retrieved a folder, random post-it notes and parchment pages hung from it. "There, it's my file on House Elves. Everything you need to know about them is in there. Everything I know about them is in there." she shoved it into his arms "read it, and I'll see you in a week at your prearranged home visit!" he lingered, staring open-mouthed at the folder in his arms "GET OUT!" she screamed, her cheeks burning with righteous indignation and exhaustion.
"Thank you for your assistance Granger." he nodded coolly and finally, thankfully, left her to single-handedly run a department.
It was midnight when Hermione glanced at her clock again, it had taken her ten hours of straight work, but she'd managed to catch up on the backlog. Paper was now stacked in neat piles, files arranged alphabetically. All the owls that needed sending were sent, and the Magical Creatures of Britain could rest assured that they were being regulated, controlled and cared for. Hermione pulled out the small key she kept in her skirt pocket and reached for the locked drawer on her desk, her lip trapped between her teeth, she turned it only to realise it wasn't locked "idiot." she scolded herself, remembering earlier that day when she'd opened it during lunch. She'd needed something to take her mind off of everything. Hermione was usually a lot more careful. She retrieved the small stack of paper and searched for the page she'd been reading earlier in the day. Page 13. there was 12, there was 14… no 13.
"no." Hermione panted, her eyes suddenly growing wide.
"no, no, no, no, no." she scanned the room, there was nothing. She attempted an accio for the lost page, no paper flew her way. "NO!" her breath left her as she tried to walk back her day, to remember when she'd had it last.
She had pulled the page from the pile during lunch, she had sat back with her coffee in one hand to read, she had gotten halfway down and… Harry had walked in unannounced, and… she'd panicked and shoved it… "NOOO!" she wretched as bile flew up to her oesophagus "OH MY GOD NO."
Hermione stumbled out of the Potter's grate and into their darkened kitchen. Tears and mascara streaked her face as panic and despair flooded her every nerve. "GINNY!" she screamed. She needed a friend. She needed someone to confide in. The lights of Grimmauld place clicked on one by one, and she heard pounding footsteps barrelling in her direction "Ginny!" she sobbed again as she sunk to her knees, clutching at her blouse, her coat and bag remained forgotten on the floor of her office.
"Hermione?" Harry was there, at her side glasses askew, pyjama shirt half-open, sleep and worry creasing his face. "What's happened?"
"NO! NOT YOU. I NEED GINNY." He'd never seen his best friend like this, in all the years he'd known her, in all the death-defying situations they'd been, he'd never seen her so unhinged and distraught, and he didn't know what to do, so he padded in a useless circle as he waited for his wife.
"Are your parents OK?" he asked nervously. If they weren't, he wasn't sure what he'd do. He wasn't the best at comfort. He was more a fixer than a soother.
"YES!" she roared. "THANK YOU FOR ASKING!" she didn't sound very grateful.
"get out." Ginny pulled her husband back from the ticking time bomb that was Hermione. "Your son is awake and crying, go hold him," she instructed the man she loved, the man who knew what to do if the world was ending but couldn't cope if a girl was crying.
"What's happened?" Ginny crouched on the floor beside her friend, genuine concern burned in her chest "has someone hurt you?" Ginny asked gently, noting the lack of coat, the askew blouse and Hermione's streaked make-up.
Hermione shook her head. "I've done something so stupid, Gin." Hermione's voice shook as she turned her bloodshot eyes to the only female she'd ever managed to successfully bond with.
"Have you killed someone?" Ginny grabbed Hermione's chin "because if you have, we need to clean the scene and dispose of the body. No body, no conviction." she nodded knowledgeably.
"It's worse…." Hermione panted, still clutching her chest. She averted her eyes and reached out her pinky to Ginny "swear you won't tell Harry" Ginny hooked her pinky with Hermione's and made the vow. Hermione cast a messy silencing charm on the kitchen to make sure Potter's prying ears wouldn't be able to hear them.
"OH MY GOD… Did you fuck Marcus, your beast wrangler and catch the pox?!" Ginny looked horrified at the thought and was relieved when Hermione shook her head.
"You know when we left school, and I had panic attacks?" Hermione asked, and Ginny nodded "and I went to therapy, and he said I should find something to do that's just mine and nobody else's?"
"I guess. I think you mentioned it" Ginny couldn't fathom how Hermione's therapist suggesting a hobby could've ended with her friend sobbing uncontrollably on her kitchen floor.
"I do creative writing," Hermione said in a small voice and a wince.
"oh… OK," Ginny nodded supportively, "that's nice."
"I write…" a bubble of a sob emitted from deep in Hermione's chest, "dirty stories."
"oh…" Ginny's eyes widened, a laugh started to spill from her lips
"DON'T LAUGH!" Hermione screeched and slammed her hand over her mouth as more tears and sobs followed. "I write dirty little stories and…." Hermione's breath was barely there. She could see spots in her line of vision as she approached the nut of the problem. "And… Draco Malfoy was in my office …."
"NO!" Ginny's mouth fell agape, she was trying so very hard not to laugh, but it was hard.
"I accidentally gave him one of my stories in a folder about elven welfare." Hermione's head fell back, her mouth going square with a silent scream because that wasn't the worst part.
"What's the dirty little story about Hermione?" Ginny asked quietly.
"It's about Malfoy and Me..."
"NO!" Ginny took a breath and looked at her thoughtfully. "Obliviate him. Go to his house now and just obliviate him."
"I can't, it's illegal, and he's an expert in memory magic." Hermione's bottom lip trembled. "I think I need to emigrate."
"no… just deny it." Ginny nodded with assurance. "He turns up with your homemade porn? Say, sorry, buddy… It wasn't me. Gaslight the blonde twat until he thinks he wrote it. I do it to Harry all the time… I mean mostly with unflushed poops in the toilet and not with handwritten smut, but the principle is still the same."
"I'm sorry for causing such a fuss Ginny." Hermione nodded, the air coming back to her lungs. "I think I may have overreacted a smidge."
"no, you reacted appropriately. This is mortifying." The redhead grinned and wrapped her arms around Hermione, "Now, since I'm already sworn to secrecy, why not tell me what was in your little porn story."
Hermione wretched again.
Author Note:
I really wanted to write something sexy and funny, this is the start. I hope you like.